Does anyone have any suggestions on how to heal after infidelity in the marriage.

So far his infidelity has consummed my every thought and my dreams.

Last night the dream was so vivid and realistic that I woke up mad at him and I am carrying resentment throughout the day. This is not the first time It has happened and I need to know if there is a way to move past this to heal my life. Rebuild a marriage and to ever be happy with him again!

We have be back together for 14 months now and so far it still consummes me.

needtoheal

Sorry NTH!! You are in the right place!

You said it has been 14 mos? Have you two had MC? You said it has happened before? How many times? Did you find out abut them all at once and then moved forward or he had an A, you found out and moved on and it happened again? (this is my case!)

How long have you been M? Any children? There is alot of great info here, alot of healing and support... and you can survive this! Sit tight though, it is a rocky ride, esp. in the beginning!

Yes it has been 14 months since we have decided to give our marriage another try...we were seperated for 10 months prior to that in which time we both had relationships. His relationship was with a close family member of mine. I can't seem to get past it. I not only loved him but loved her also , was my best friend!

As for the my saying this is not the first time , I meant about the dreams..and my carrying resentment throughout the day.

As far as I know he didn't cheat on my while we were together and only had this one other relationship. We have been together for 14 yrs minus the 10 month seperation.

He thinks, and my MOm and dad think, that I should be over it by now and be able to put it behind me and believe me I am trying. I have to hear about her and see her (small town) and she is a close family member which doesn't make it any easier to get past and heal from.

Needtoheal

It sounds to me like you need closure. Maybe you need to have a ceremony to get rid of it all. Maybe renew your marriage vows? Maybe take a "honeymoon" together? Maybe just have a bonfire and burn all the hateful stuff.

If you are sure of your marriage and sure the affair is completely over, you need to move passed it. Plan a day with great pomp and ceremony to let go of all the bad energy of the affair. It's not easy, that I know personally. You need to do it TOGETHER. Get your FWH involved. The A residuals can poison your M. GET RID OF IT!

What sort of counseling or reading have you both done? Taken the EN questionnaire?

Recovery does not mean stopping the A and ignoring the causes.

L.

What helped me A LOT is - I FACED my fears, hurts...

I'd spent minutes at first then hours thinking of the two of them, hugging, passionate kisses, sex, their love, their excitement, their happiness together.
Yes, it hurts like a hell.
At the beginning.
Then you get used to it (those scenes/films you make in your mind with two of them in the main roles), pain is lesser, and after a while it begins to be - boring (always the same, even the same sex positions, just 100 poses, yuck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )...
The next stage was imagining them living together, his snoring, scroodge, control freak, unstable, and many other things (you H must have some of them, right? )

So, after a while - nothing interesting left to think about them anymore... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First of all I want to that you for your replies.

Grape Girl, I have burned everything, I even tore up my wedding pictures because she was in every one of them , well almost! I have such deep hatred for her. I know she persued him and he says he went there because I didn't want him back and he had to move on. He deeply regrets it now but can't take it back.

I picture him with her every time I look at him. I try not to feed my thoughts of his affair. I read somewhere that if you don't feed it , It can't grow. That isn't working for me so far.

Orchid, What's an EN questionaire? I had done lots of reading online. Joined 2 or 3 support groups. Which I don't visit anymore, except this one. I think ppl are just tried of hearing the same old thing.

Belonging to Nowhere, Believe me I do that. I think about them being together constantly. Everytime he and I do something together I think did he do this with her. This consummes me! I know I need to let it go but I don't know how.
He doesn't want to talk about it. thinks if we sweep it under the rug it will go away but it hasn't for me , it's been 14 months and It has only intensified.

The dreams are getting worse......Last night she told me she would keep persuing him until he came back to her and I bashed her head in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I can't picture him with another woman, I love him to much but I know I can't keep going on like this either. I am scared to death that he will hurt me again like this. He assures me he won't but I can't help but think he will.

I desperately want to move past this and rebuild our lives and I don't know how or when this will stop consumming my every conscious and unconscious moment.

needtoheal

I think you have a double hurt going on, I know if it were my best friend I would really feel betrayed by her dating my husband. I can't offer any advice because I'm in the same boat you are in.

I am in counseling though and thank God I have an appointment tonight, it's been a rough week for me.

((need to heal)) a hug for you!

enchantedlady, Thank you for the hug. I think you also deserve a hug(((enchantedlady)))

It is a double hurt. I loved her too. We grew up together, called each other sis, dressed alike and we do kinda look alike. I hate this.

I don't understand why he had to have her. I don't understand why she persued him, why did she hurt me like that, why did he? I know I will never have the answers to those questions because I did ask her WHY DID YOU DO THIS? after Husband and I were back together and her answer was I DON'T KNOW! well that's the bigest load of BS I ever heard. She knows why. If I persued her husband I would know WHY!

I hate who I have become. I can't even look at our childhood pictures. Every memory of my childhood makes me shudder. She was always there!

I am sorry to go on. I don't know your story but I am sure it is just as painful hun and I am so sorry for your hurt.

Needtoheal

Sorry that you are going through the same thing that I am. If there are any positives, you could be greatful that this betrayal did not occurr in the same room, while you were sleeping next to it. That's what happned to me. My best friend and his wife, had a threesome with my wife while I was sleeping next to them on the floor. I am dying everyday. This is the worst experience of my life..

{{{detroyedMan}}}} That is just awful! I am so sorry for your pain!

Destroyed Man, That is awful. I am sorry that happened to you.

(((((((((((destroyed Man)))))))))))))

Destroyed Man , perhaps I shouldn't ask and If I shouldn't please tell me it's to painful to talk about.

Are you trying to work through it with your wife?
Are you in counselling?

I am taking one day at a time. That's the only way I can deal with it and if that becomes to much I have to take it one hour, One minute at a time.

Needtoheal

Needtoheal....
It's terrible all the pain and suffering that you have endured and are suffering through; betrayal is made worse only by more betrayal. Your H betrayed you with an affair, your friend betrayed you with your H.

Sorry though I cannot be as supportive of your rolling around in the mud as some of the folks who have posted here. Most people here have felt pain beyond description yet we look around and see others who seem to have experienced even more than we have as is the case with Destroyed Man. So many of us would give or would have given ANYTHING to be where you have described yourself as being..... with our WW spouse turning away from the OP and coming home and trying to work on the M. What exactly do you hope for. Someone suggested you research the EN section and that is a good idea; also consider personal counseling; perhaps spiritual in nature... to help you move from the pits of what happened and search for ways to put your M back together!

Nothing hurts as bad as betrayal and the ramifications that can ensue. I personally tell people that I have experienced the pain of war, been shot, been in a helicopter crash, been on a respirator with a broken neck, buried my brother, my father, and recently my mother.......all the pain from those events in my life pale when compared to the pain and devastation I have experienced by losing my W to a drug addict with no human similarities at all. I must agree with your husb and other family members who feel it is time you move on. This descabbing of wounds will surely lead to an "infection" of your marriage and could lead to the complete and final destruction. We cannot change other people, only ourselves is a common statement around here and this is true; we cannot change what has happened we can only accept it. Take the hand of someone who can lead you through and away from this cataclysm in your life; do not allow yourself to be stagnated. Move forward and live.....stay put and your inner self will die.

Your H may very well be your best source; you did say that both of you had other relationships while apart. Do you feel he never thinks about the men you were with? Does he bring this up to you. It may very well be that your major issue is with your friend who your H was with rather than the EA itself.

Ecxpa,

I know I wasn't right with what I did while seperated. My H does think about it and he does throw it in my face. I was wrong I admit that.

I have to agree that I do feel Just as hurt and betrayed by my cousin/who I called sis growing up, if not even more betrayed by her.
I don't understand why either of them did this.

She persued him , wrote him letters, called him constantly until he gave in and went to see her.

I would love to know why she did this and why he let her.

I know it's time for me to move on and I am trying but It's very hard when she is such a close family member that I have to hear about her all the time. I have to see her. I hate that she knows every little detail about my Husband, I hate her for it and I think sometimes I hate myself more. Why couldn't I prevent this. I am humiliated and ashamed to see my own family who think I did something wrong for wanting my family back together and making it happen.

HE COULDN'T HAVE HURT ME MORE IF HE SLEPT WITH MY OWN BIOLOGICAL SISTER!

She and I shared everything growing up, secrets , dreams, vacations and EVEN MY HUSBAND SO FORGIVE ME IF I AM A BIT UPSET!

Hi, sorry I did not reply sooner. we are in counseling, not sure if it is gonna work though.