i am trying to work out making my H and myself happy at the same time when it comes to contact with my family. a family my H has never really liked, and now, completely dis-likes.

my H comes first, this i do know, so if the ONLY reason for wanting to see my family would be to make THEM happy then i would question my actions. but the truth is I WANT TO SEE MY FAMILY STILL!!! we will be talking about this very issue tonight in fact. my mom's 70th b-day is coming up, my siblings started an email chain between the 4 of us about surprising her. of course my note to my brother is already going to put a strain on everything, that will be sent to him at the end of the week if i stick to my schedule i put on myself.

now i have the additional strain dealing with my H's desires on just how this b-day thing happens and if it will include our kids.

i found out today, he has told the kids they do not have to go see my family ever again if they did not want to. this occured sometime after xmas, i'm not sure exactly when. he only told me today. he says they are relived, but i think that is his interpretation. my famliy has never been mean to them. however, the xmas party at my brothers (me and kids attended only) was a mess at the beginning cuz i broke down into tears for a while. i know the kids were VERY uncomfortable, i felt terrible about it. but is the answer to tell them that "hey kids, since your mom is struggling with her family and it is possible that seeing them will again result in her getting upset, you guys don't have to go" i'm really kind of hurt by this.

when i told him this on the phone, when i shared my perspective and i seriously did it in a very non-LBing way, his response was, well if that is the way you choose to look at it....

i re-told him i understood his goal is to protect the kids and that i believe that is a wonderful goal. i just wish we had talked about it before he said that to them.

this past weekend, he has also told me that he wants to tell the kids that the reason i was upset at xmas party is due to some self-centered behavior on my brother's part when we were growing up that impacted me. he has it all worked out in his head as to exactly what he wants to say. however, he did choose to share this with me before actually doing it and he did agree to wait until he and i talked about it more.

i had been thinking about wanting to talk to the kids about xmas too, actually i wanted to talk about more than that. i wanted to appologize for the amount of turmoil that has occured over the last few years, and very specifically to apologize for once telling them we were going to seperate. i wanted to take ownership for that, take ownership and apolgize. as well as to give my H credit for holding us together. i had not yet told my H that I was having theses thoughts, we never seem to have time to talk.

anyway, that is what is ahead of me right now. anyone have any words of wisdom to help me do this right?

well one reaosn I am replying is that w/ all the people on this board,I seem to not be getting any repsonses and did not want you to feel that way too...

anyway... You should make time to tell him (and them), one way or another! Making amends to your family for hurting them is an awesome step toward healing your lives.

I do not know your story, but I must assume there was some abuse history there somewhere. I know my FWH feels very strongly about my family for the same reasons...they keep hurting me and it is in his basic nature to protect me (although he has had a sucky way of showing it lately!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Now that CSA is being disclosed about his family as well, I too find it difficult to face these people even though I know I must if that is what he wants to do. They are our families and it is natural to be drawn to them evwen when they are hurtful... somewhere inside is that child who is always hpoing...

FWIW, talk to your H, tell him how you feel. Do it w/the thoughts that he is not necessarily trying to be a barrier, but a buffer...C

Tx-RN

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> well one reaosn I am replying is that w/ all the people on this board,I seem to not be getting any repsonses and did not want you to feel that way too...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks, that is very sweet.

as it turns out, about 30 min after posting that, i had to leave and i have not been back to a computer till now.

we did talk last night. when it comes to my brother in specific (and yes, there was some minor sex abuse that occured) we just do not see things the same way. but our talking went ok, i am guessing we will talk more.

i'll probably add more about this later but i have to go back to work right now!!

thanks again for your response. i was sure i must of gotten some responses and i was sure one of them said to pray before you begin talking cuz that idea came to me and i felt like it must of originated from here!!!

i was feeling a bit panicy when i wrote this but i was able to calm down and stay calm.

and pep, if you read this now.... guess what? i was much more successful at self soothing and leaning on my faith last night and it felt really GOOD!!! progress. "old habits must die" maybe i should put that in my signature.

FLT2M -

You wrote, "there was some minor sex abuse that occured." I think that's not the first time I've seen you write that. I just want to say that there really is no such thing as "minor" sexual abuse.

Telling your kids about your brother is a tricky situation. I'm probably not the perfect person to give advice on this, because my family has kept it's deep ugly secrets until most of the perpetrators are now dead. I just never let my kids be alone with any family members (who all live in another state, so we were only around them occassionally - I got the h*ll out of town).

I finally told my daughter a little (not nearly everything, and only about the violence - nothing about sexual abuse) when she was out of high school and wanting to make a trip to see my family by herself. She understood, and hasn't suggested going alone again.

Anyway - how much and what you tell your kids about your brother (and whatever other problems you might have with your family) depends on their emotional maturity and how much information you believe they can handle. The 15 year old might be better able to understand it than the 10 year old, but there will still be emotional fallout.

You and your H should definitely be a team on this one. It's such a sensitive subject that I can completely see why you want to be in on the decision making and the explanations.

God bless,

Rose

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

and pep, if you read this now.... guess what? i was much more successful at self soothing and leaning on my faith last night and it felt really GOOD!!! progress. "old habits must die" maybe i should put that in my signature. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">progress not perfection

when old habits die you have the opportunity to choose something new

you have free will

self-soothing takes practice

good for you

Pep

I agree w/ Rose here big time... sexual abuse is sexual abuse.... no minor when it comes toh things.

That being said, you know what you lived and how much you can take and how it feels now... just know that it really sounds like H is trying to protect you (even if he isn't doing it the best way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

It is a difficult thing for everyone on all sides... CSA is a horrible thing that impacts so much of your life (even if you don't realize it) I guess I am saying "don't sell yourself short"!

i'm very tired and finally about to leave for home. working late hours these days...

regarding my decision to say "minor sexual abuse", i hear what you are saying and yet i still have a hard time thinking what happened to me is anywhere as bad as what has happened to others. however, it is true, it had a large impact on me either way and maybe having it be so "minor" actually in some ways made it worse because it made me just want to write it off as nothing when it really was something. all i really accomplish by trying to "sell myself short" is invalidating my own feelings, and that is not a good thing. my IC has tried to get me to stop saying it was minor too, she asked me how would i feel if the same thing happened to my daughter?? still just minor??? and of course i said NO!!! but then when it gets back to me, it's minor again.

hi pep and thanks, progress is good enough for me, perfection will have to wait until i'm in heaven.