I have just been home today reading posts. I DO NOT understand infidelity. Doesn't anyone make cognitive decisions? Are they just horny animals that don't think? I don't get it!!! The only way I could be unfaithful is if I knowingly CHOSE to be. The only reason I could think that I would CHOOSE that is if I didn't care about the person I was unfaithful to. I have never accidentally found myself in bed with someone. It makes me very angry to think that people just walk around making mindless decisions. They are adults. It's not like they don't know that what they are doing is wrong and will hurt people, even IF no one else finds out. This is a mystery to me.

I agree Frozen....
I just don't understand! How can so many people cause other people so much pain and hurt? I could never put someone I love through that!

I agree Frozen....
I just don't understand! How can so many people cause other people so much pain and hurt? I could never put someone I love through that!

I agree, but the saddest thing is situations like my WW that believe that since it is in the open, and "some paperwork has been started" that it is not infidelity. It is merely "no longer ignoring my own pain".

When someone tells their own kid "Sometimes you just have to think of yourself first" in response to that kids saying that they are being hurt by the A. You have to know the world is out of orbit just a tad.

Hosea

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: Hosea_2004 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich*:
<strong> I agree Frozen....
I just don't understand! How can so many people cause other people so much pain and hurt? I could never put someone I love through that! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree too, but I have to add this - I DID the exact thing that is hurting me now. Maybe never carried it as far, but I was so wrapped up in finding someone that 'understood' me and 'cared' for me that I closed out the rest of the world. I would never (God willing) go back to it again, but at the same time, I know it can happen. As Dr. Harley wrote: "We are ALL wired for an affair" ALL OF US. There's not a one of us that is immune, and I think the people in the most danger are those who think they would NEVER do such a thing.

IMHO

David

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
This is a mystery to me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think it is (a mistery to you); if it ever were, you revealed it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
The most of it, that is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
Doesn't anyone make cognitive decisions? Are they just horny animals that don't think? I don't get it!!! The only way I could be unfaithful is if I knowingly CHOSE to be. The only reason I could think that I would CHOOSE that is if I didn't care about the person I was unfaithful to. I have never accidentally found myself in bed with someone. It makes me very angry to think that people just walk around making mindless decisions. They are adults. It's not like they don't know that what they are doing is wrong and will hurt people, even IF no one else finds out. This is a mystery to me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See? There is no mistery here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey

As a FWW I agree with everything you are saying, but I want to explain a bit about my poor choice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The only way I could be unfaithful is if I knowingly CHOSE to be. The only reason I could think that I would CHOOSE that is if I didn't care about the person I was unfaithful to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got so low in my self esteem, my self confidence, and didn't know how to communicate with H, that my negativity started to cloud my thoughts = every hear of self talk? Positive self talk is good, negative self talk can ruin you.

I didn't think I was worth much and didn't think much of myself, and because of that I convinced myself I was in a loveless marriage (which was FAR from the truth)

I never accidently ended up in bed, but I also didn't mean to for it to happen though when it began, and due to the conditions I had placed myself - I made a VERY concious choice at that time, but I made that choice not as the person I am now, but the person that got buried in conditions and didn't know how to get out.

And as for not caring about the person I was unfaithful to? Not on your life - my actions may show i didn't care, but I struggled everyday...I even talked about my love for H with the OM - how sad is that. I just thought because I wasn't worth it and I had crossed the line there was no turning back.

The fog is thick on many adulterers....and it's more complex than you think - it's not as black and white as you say it is - it just feels that way.

Yes - we make the choice - yes it's a poor choice and many of us live with the concequences of that choice for the rest of our lives - the pain we caused the ones we cared about that our actions showed we didn't care....most of us do care - that's the sad sad thing.

I have never been a BS, so I can't say I know how you feel...but I have watched what my A has done to my H, the pain I have caused...I didn't want this. But I also didn't think of the concequeces before.

I do not shun my concequeces, nor want them to go away - I accept them, the same way I DO accept responsibility for my actions. I made a horrible horrible choice. And I am fixing myself and my marriage so I am NEVER in that horrible state of mind again.

-ds

Frozen, since I’ve never been involved in premarital or extra-marital sex myself, I can perfectly understand your question and concerns about this. However, as someone who’ve been involvement in a near-EA I know and understand now how easily people can get involved in A’s if not very cautious & careful… If I can explain: Although my involvement hasn’t progressed to a serious level yet, the feelings I’ve developed (even sexual feelings) were extremely intense… So intense that it scared me… And because of this, I have more understanding & empathy now for the weaknesses of people who get caught up in PA’s. From my own experience, I know how hard it is and how much willpower it take NOT to act on those feelings… I was lucky that certain internal factors (like my anxiousness, fear of hurting my H, awareness of consequences, etc.) helped prevented me from acting on those feelings... I think part of Satan’s strategy is to use these inappropriate feelings and sexual attraction people often develop for a member of the opposite sex to cause them to stray. And I think during infidelity these type of feelings are intensified to the 100th power. As someone stated earlier, we ALL are wired for an affairs, so be aware… Don’t think it can NEVER happen to you… I thought the same thing prior to my involvement, but I learned the hard way and my experience was an eye-opener to me.

Suzet

This is a very difficult subject. I understand very much why every BS thinks this way now that I am one. I was the WS in my first marriage and the A was easy and guilt-free because I didn't love my WH at all, didn't even like him by the end. I don't feel that way any more now and after more than 15 years, finally appologized to him for hurting him. Long time coming wake up call. So now that I am the BS, it is understandable that on D-Day, I made the assumption that my WH simply didn't love me, feel guilt, or care how I felt at all. This was dead wrong, he did/does love me, did feel guilty, and actually thought I wouldn't care (my fault). Although so many of our situations are similar, each of us is an individual. If I didn't believe, for the most part, that my FWH loved me with all of his heart and would never have had the A in the first place if he had known how much it would hurt me, I would have ended the M on D-Day. Recovery is one day at a time, some good, some very bad. If we make it, the bad days will have been worth it. If not, well then I can at least say I tried.

There must be an awful lot of mysteries to you in this world. In fact couldn't you just substitute any injustice in this world for infidelity in your statement? Everything from murder to rudness.

Sure at face value your statement has merit but why do any of us do things that are wrong or hurtful? Because none of us are perfect or without sin.

I'm not real good at bible quoting but somewhere in there it says that the flesh is weak. There's one answer for you.

bump

In my situation, the BS was happy with the M and thought everything was perfect. I, on the other hand, was extremely unhappy.

I made a decision to go to bed with someone who wasn't my wife. I thought it would make me happier. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong.

What I discovered was that the bond that developed beween me and OW was very strong...so strong that I couldn't end it.