My W still says she is not in love w/me romantically, but loves me as the father of our children and for our history. Says she is not attracted to me anymore, and hasn't been for years. Can't say ILY. So why does she still have sex w/me? There have times when I have been told that she can't b/c she doesn't love me. But then there are times when she doesn't iniatite, but seems very receptive to my advances.

Take last nite for example. W was heading back to the bedroom around 9:15 to read and go to bed. I am a nite owl, so I had rented a movie. I wanted to talk to her alone before she went to sleep. She complained about her back, so I started to give her a backrub, which I am awful at. It leads to me lightly dragging my fingers over her body, mostly legs, with her getting totally relaxed. I honestly had no intention of this leading to SF as I am trying to back off of that now, but with my libido, that is hard.

So, as I am about to stop, she rolls over and turn off the light. I said "I thought you were going to read?" and she said, "I can after." What gives? Sometimes it feels like charity, sometimes it has passion. I think it is out of guilt, and I hate that. Through all that has happened, and all the mistakes I have made through recovery, our sex life has not slowed all that down much. While I am the only one here who knows my wife, I know that there are alot of common threads through these situations. I feel this is a good thing, but don't want to be disappointed.

Betrayed,
I could be totally wrong about this but it sounds like your W is still attracted to you but she wants more in the "package." I have not read your story but as a woman I can say that if a woman does not feel sexy and wanted by her man, she might translate it to not being attracted to him. It all goes back to romance I guess... Remember - a small or waning flame can explode into a raging fire with a little coaxing and TLC. If you still desire your wife, tell her, touch her, kiss her (really kiss her) in "stolen" moments, make suggestive comments and generally let your emotions float to the surface anytime you have the opportunity. More women also need to know that affection does not come naturally for most men - they show affection through sex. His Needs/Her Needs (book available on this site) illuminates this critical fact and many other important ones.

Sorry for the double post - but I just want to clarify - I am not a FWW or WW. I am the betrayed spouse. Just noticed your headline...

Betrayed Man, I was determined to get back all my feelings for my H and, even though I felt as your wife says she feels now, I knew that the intimacy of SF was the best way to bond and I knew if we gave that up we were done for.

I also wanted to make new, better memories and wipe out memories of OM.

I also wanted to let him know that he was still attractive because his self esteem after d-day was gone.

Some of it was guilt SF, some of it was genuine desire.

Does that help?

Jen

Thanks for the replies. My W knows I desire her, in fact I tell her too much. She says that I just want her for sex. I have really been trying to not pressure for SF, but I have a very high libido, and could easily have SF everyday.

Jen,
I think alot of it is guilt, often SF is pretty "sterile". We do pretty much the same thing(s). She doesn't have much desire to snuggle after, never really has. During SF, she doesn't want to kiss much, which sometimes bugs me. I dunno, guess it can't be a negitve sign, right? Of course, our SF never dropped off during the A either.

Our SF didn't drop off during the A either. In fact it increased.

I used to cry after SF with my H. Part of it was that I didn't feel anything for him and felt so terrible about that, part of it was withdrawal.

Obviously, to get where we are now, recovered and happy, we've worked on a heck of a lot more than SF.

BM, it does get better (SF and everything else) if both of you are working in the same direction.

In fact it gets better than better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have to go now - it's midnight in my part of the world. I don't like replying then just disappearing but I'll be back.

Jen

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 05:13 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ. ]</small>

I am going through the very same thing. It seems very strange. It starts with foot rub or back rub, then kisses then off to the bedroom. It is some of the best SF we have ever had since D-Day. Every time she says "we can't do this anymore". Then a few days later it happens again. WW also says our relationship is only based on SF.

Most of what she is saying is "fog-speak"...very little of what she is saying makes sense. Look at what she does.

After 30 years of marriage, I will admit that sometimes I have sex with my wife when I didn't want to. And (surprise) my wife sometimes has sex with me when she doesn't want to.

So? Doing something for someone else when you don't feel like it is an "expression of love" for the other person.

Have you and she had discussions about sex what she enjoys and what you enjoy? You and she perhaps need to try some variety.