Rummaged through H's things yesterday and found a cd-r marked "private". Of course that meant I should look at it (curiosity killed the cat and all). Turns out it was filled with pictures of OW; the one that he swears he's not having an affair with; the one that lives long-distance that he has her name programmed into his phone under a man (as to not look suspicious), the one that he said "would say all kinds of things" to get a dad for her kids when confronted about a text message I found. He now locks his cell phone, so that I can't snoop, so no more ammunition that way.

What's so galling is that this morning he went on a long spiel about knowing that I wanted to continue to be a SAHM, and that we neeed to look at starting our own business to plan for the future when our 7 and 4 year olds go to college. Things like having enough money to retire on and see our grandkids. Am I the delusional one or is he? I think that he thinks that as long as the OW is hundreds of miles away, and he can only see her "virtually" unless he's up there on a business trip, that things are ok.

I've not confronted him about the find, I just copied the disc and put it in my place for future use. I've also got OW's email and personal info; should I use it? Should I confront her about what is going on? Should I hear her side and find out if H is lying? (which of course I suspect he is..)

I'm so confused because I don't want to "rock the boat", but at the same time I know that all of this shouldn't be kept inside. H doesn't think that we need marriage counesling; "we can talk by ourselves". He doesn't put much stock in it. I've been on anti-depressants and I think I need to get back on them. Not sure what to do.

Excellent so far.

Sorry you're here, but seeking help before reacting is the very best thing you could do.

Hide that CD and do nothing yet until you get horsed up with all the infidelity knowledge you can swallow.

You know he's lying, so assume everything he says that is remotely connected to his whereabouts and activities out of your sight is also a lie.

Do not contact OW just yet. The first order of business after you get smart about Plan A is to confront your husband. The amount of info that you reveal to support your confrontation needs to be strategized - you may not want to reveal everything and how you go about this depends on your ability to keep your cool and be smart. Translation: you CANNOT become a raving lunitic and shout and scream and accuse and beg and whimper, etc., etc., etc. Understand?

Time is on your side and you can afford time to prepare for each of your actions. After confrontation (assuming your H will be typical and deny everything) these should include contacting the OW and exposure of the affair in expanding concentric circles to make it expandingly uncomfortable, with priority to exposure to OW's H if she's married.

So, when you get smart about this disease, rocking the boat is exactly wht you have to do.

Please read the link in my sig line below.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I think it is about time to rock the boat. You might want to get back on anti-depressants first. They really help.

Your husband is having an affair. Read about Plan A on my signature line. That is the starting plan.

Don't worry - your husband is acting like they all do - right out of the wayward spouse manual. We can help you turn this around.

As far as starting a business - is that something you would like to do, or do you want to continue being there for your children?

I forgot to mention that you should get the two books, Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs, both by Harley and available in the bookstore on this site or just about any on-line bookseller. Do it TODAY!

Required reading.

WAT

Thanks for all of the advice. I've been sitting here with a lump the size of Texas in my stomach, dreading the confrontation to come. I look back at our marraige and find all the ups and downs, and can pinpoint the "death" of one section of the marriage or another. Having kids, moving, getting a computer, a new job with travel; all of these contributed to the state we are in today.

I want to scream, lash out, cry, yell, throw things; because I swore this heartbreak would never happen to me again. This isn't the first time I've been on this "merry-go-round". WS has had at least one PA that he's admitted to, and countless EA's. I've tried and tried not to throw in the towel, but I'm getting so tired; tired of being angry, tired of feeling I have to snoop, tired of crying, tired of feeling like a failure, tired of it all...

I confronted WS with evidence of EA this morning, and told him that the "ball was in his court". I've come to terms with the fact that we may separate/divorce over this, but in all honesty; i'm at peace with the possiblilty.

Told him that I knew that he had considered moving EA to a PA with OW; and he did confess that he had; and hasn't moved it to that point yet. I told him that I was getting back in to counseling and back on anti-depressants; and his response was that if our marriage was making me that mentally unstable, maybe we should call it quits.

The problem is that I really still love him, and he really seems like he still loves me. We've just gotten so lost along the way with the multiple OW that make him feel some sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

I can no longer shoulder all of the blame in this, but I am big enough to admit that these problems come from both of us, not just him. However, it has been HIS choice, not mine to enter into numerous EA's thus perpetuating the cycle of hurt, anger, and mistrust.

Not sure what next, but we'll see.

vhb - serial cheaters are a special case that are usually out of the "normal" realm of strategies dealt with on this forum. They're quite a different problem.

I strongly recommend you get an appointment with Steve Harley before you get back into whatever form of previous counseling you were in. You can do it from home over the phone.

Forget this OW. Even if you could make her disappear this instant, another one will pop up.

WAT