I believe my H is still in contact with OW with whom he had an EA. My husband is a very devoted person and I can't see him just dropping this person out of his life w/o further contact. He became involved with her because "he felt sorry for her". According to him she had a lousy marriage and he was working away from home and very lonely. I think I can find an e-mail address for her. I have been thinking about contacting her to see what her thoughts are about her relationship with my husband. I could use some advise from others. When I ask him about it, he says no contact; but sometimes 2+2 aren't adding up to 4. Sorry this is so long!!

If you suspect they are still in contact, I would suggest finding out for sure and proceeding from that point. You don't want to confront either of them unless you know for sure. If you do confirm they are in contact, you may want to contact her and especially contact her husband.

How does your H communicate with her? On the phone, computer?

I think both phone and e-mail. He has an e-mail account that I don't have the password for and it shows up in the history of the computer usually on days that I work late or have to work weekends. Once when I was working late he said that one of our daughters was calling his cell phone while I was talking to him on the land line so I told him to answer it. The next day my daughter said he called her. See what I mean by 2+2???

Ok, here is what you do. Go install spyware on the computer he uses and see what he is doing. It will show you every keystroke he types and will give you his email password. You can have the reports emailed - secretly - to another computer. Do you have another computer at work? You can set up a yahoo email account and have the reports mailed there.

You can also secretly tap your phone if you think that would help.

If you are willing to do this, I will help you do it. This would hopefully, give you the information that you need so that you know how to proceed. This might also RULE OUT an affair, which would exonerate your H and allow you to move forward in peace.

Give us a bit more info.

What do you know of OW and her husband? What is the basis of this knowledge? What was the pre-affair acquaintance of OW with your H? How far away is she located? Did you contact her or her husband previously?

Give us a bit more info.

What do you know of OW and her husband? What is the basis of this knowledge? What was the pre-affair acquaintance of OW with your H? How far away is she located? Did you contact her or her husband previously?

Give us a bit more info.

What do you know of OW and her husband? What is the basis of this knowledge? What was the pre-affair acquaintance of OW with your H? How far away is she located? Did you contact her or her husband previously?

Give us a bit more info.

What do you know of OW and her husband? What is the basis of this knowledge? What was the pre-affair acquaintance of OW with your H? How far away is she located? Did you contact her or her husband previously?

Melodylane--Thanks for the advice, but I don't know if I can go the Spyware route. He's very computer savvy and would know if I installed something. As for tapping the phone, he usually uses his company cell phone. I hate feeling like I'm spying on my husband!!!

Worthatry--I only know what my H told me about the OW and her H. My H met the OW while he was working OOT. She lives 6 hours away from us, so he can't physically see her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dougswife:
<strong> Melodylane--Thanks for the advice, but I don't know if I can go the Spyware route. He's very computer savvy and would know if I installed something. As for tapping the phone, he usually uses his company cell phone. I hate feeling like I'm spying on my husband!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dougswife, this spyware is not detectable. My H is a computer engineer and has never detected it. And even if he did find it, which is doubtful, so what? It's too bad that he put you in that situation in the first place. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.

If you want to resolve this, DW, you are going to have to take risks or just learn to live with your doubts. Frankly, I think it is more risky to your marriage to sit by an do nothing. An affair is much more harmful to your marriage than any potential anger he might have about you spying on him. You can't help your marriage unless you stop the affair and you can't stop the affair unless you know the facts.

I would also add that continually asking him if he is talking to her will get you nowhere. He is not likely to tell you the truth and it is actually a love buster if contact has, in fact, ended.

Let me know if you want to work on resolving this situation. I will be glad to help you.

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

OK, you should assume that she's lying to him about her lousy marriage, or he's lying to you about it. It's possible that her husband is an axe murderer, but the vast majority of the time affairees grossly exaggerate the "lousy" state of their marriages.

Is her e-mail address all you have?

If you choose to contact her, do not expect to get her "thoughts" about her relationship with your husband. You'll get her wrath for invading her privacy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Please describe what you know of the relationship so far. Do you know whether she knows that you're married? If your husband says that he told her about you, don't believe it - unless he told her what a lousy wife YOU were. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> - again.

The only reason to contact her is to clear the air that your H IS married, YOU are not a axe murderer, your divorce will NOT soon be final, blah, blah, blah - countering all the lies he's told her.

If you're reluctant about Mel's advice, then you can consider hiring a PI. Otherwise, keep your eyes and ears open for more evidence and call him on it when it appears.

Also consider counseling with one of the MB counselors - they can give you customized guidance.

In the meantime, Plan A your butt off and fix whatever bad juju you have introduced to the marriage.

WAT

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

OK, heres an update. Last night (actually at 3 this morning ) we were discussing something that happened while we were on vacation that I did that upset him. So, I countered with now you know how I felt when I found out some other stuff and by the way what about this e-mail address you have. He refuses to give me the pass word, and said "how come my loyalty to you would be any less, I don't spend 1/10th of the time I spend with you". I think he's fog talking again.. I don't think it's a question of loyalty, it's a question of honesty.

PS to Worthatry: I have actually spoke to this woman on the phone. At the begining of the EA she was the secretary in the field office. I found out about her in a really, shall we say out of the ordinary way, and I called to speak with my husband. She answered the phone and I asked her point blank about her relationship with my husband. She claimed that they were just friends, etc...... So she knows I exist. As for promises of divorce and such, I don't know if that subject was ever mentioned to her.

Go to google and ask for phone records. You have his cell#. They can give you a list of incoming and out going calls. It will cost a few bucks but will help you see how many and when the calls are made.

As for talking with the OW, think....what benefit does she have for telling you the truth? Also some OPs like to have fun at the expense of the BS. Love to give the BS just enough info to make the BS crazed.

Be careful.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dougswife:
<strong> Melodylane--Thanks for the advice, but I don't know if I can go the Spyware route. He's very computer savvy and would know if I installed something. As for tapping the phone, he usually uses his company cell phone. I hate feeling like I'm spying on my husband!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dougswife - I can hack any computer. Sort of an old job for me. Trust me, I can show you how to break his passwords, etc, but there is an easy (but kinda convolexed) way to put a spyware program on his computer. You only need it there for a day or so. I can give you all the steps to setting it up, and how to get rid of it befoire he finds out - but the info - I must warn you - may be something you don;t want to know. If you can simple ask hoim honestly and straight out, that's best. But if you need help. I will send you step by step instructions on how to outwit the computer wizard (it takes one to beat another - hee hee)

David

OK I'm ready to take the Nestea Plunge so to speak. If you can show me how to get a password w/o installing spyware---go for it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dougswife:
<strong>He refuses to give me the pass word, and said "how come my loyalty to you would be any less, I don't spend 1/10th of the time I spend with you". I think he's fog talking again.. I don't think it's a question of loyalty, it's a question of honesty. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. You would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy man and he certainly has no right to demand trust when he has done nothing to earn it. He must earn it first.

DW - please do not place your only priority on finding out more info.

Assume the affair is in full swing and get hot on Plan A. Regardless of what you might find via snooping, your actions will be the same, EVEN IF the affair is over (which it ain't). This is why 2 + 2 frequently do not add up.

The only missing info is what you need to implement exposure, and I bet you can find out this stuff in other ways vs spyware, and maybe not even that way. You have to contact OW's husband. #1 exposure priority. Cell phone records will help in proving frequency and extent of contact.

WAT