I went for an initial consultation with a 'Marriagecare' MC yesterday. We had around an hour of chat, nothing heavy. However something the MC I met said stuck in my subconscious.

I have been hoping/praying that my Squid might withdraw some of her fog statements as they were so hurtful and also give me a heartfelt apology for having the affair, not just for hurting me.

MC congratulated me for the work done so far ( thank you guys for that !!!) BUT....!!!

Said that it could be that the reason I want Squid to retract some of that fog is that I instinctively want less reasons to resent her. As I have no strategy to deal with my resentment, I may need to get less things to resent.

What I need to do is have a strategy that helps ME deal with resentment or my wound will never heal.

I was thinking about this and re-read Dr. Harley's piece on resentment on the main site.
I resent:

* the lies
* the betrayal
* the arranging for me to babysit while she ****** OM
* The paying for the rooms in the motel with my money
* the buying of sexy underwear and sex games for OM with my money
* the way she treated our kids
* the deliberately hurtful fog talk
* the fact she ****** somebody else when I haven't.
* That she won't treat me like a special person yet
* that she still blames me for her affair
* that she ......
I could go on. And on. And On. I am dripping with barely-contained resentment.

I LOVE my baby but I resent the ******* **** out of almost everything she did over a 5 month period. MC was right. I interpreted myself wrong.

I don't need fog questions answered I need to find a strategy to deal with my resentment. We don't have a time machine to go back and prevent all that betrayal. I need a coping mechanism for my resentment.

Wow. MC might be useful if only for me after all.

Anyone got any advice for dealing with resentment in a GOOD , successful recovery process ?

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

WOW -

great discovery Bob. I still think Squid needs to look at her feelings as she still seems to cry at the mention...dealing with them will still make your stomach upset, but you wont go bezerk with overwhelming guilt and remorse if you face em...I hope she can one day.

As fo you - wow - neat when you make a realization about yourself. I wish I knew how to help ya with resentment - maybe Sprint can - he seems to have a few bad days - but does some amazing soul searching during those days and solves the problem he faced during those few days...resentment could very be one of them he has faced (we are on a few up days now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Being that I am on the WS end of things - I don't resent much at all, cept myself...but that's part of my whole forgiveness, self concept goal...hehe


I hope that this new discovery helps you alot!

-ds

Hi Bob,

Wow, good for you! I can't really give you advice on this, but can tell you that one of the VERY FIRST things RH did was seek help with an IC concerning resentment. He did not want to resent me and somehow instinctively knew if he did, we would have no chance. Thank God for small miracles! I kind of remember his counselor telling him something about the miltary's tactics for changing focus or something, yet she didn't even explain how it's done, so I thought that was strange. I don't know what she said to him, but it worked. I'll give him the heads up on your thread, and maybe he can help later.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NOW

Bob - Just lost my first post so if you get two sorry! I love how you express your emotions with no hold barred (?) and you are so right on with how I feel even if your dday wasn't as long ago as mine (I must be slow). I so feel all those very same things you listed and I hope you get some good responses from the experts because I'm running out of hope that I will never be anything but bitter about this!

Hey bob,

I guess this is what I was heading towards the other day in I'ville when I mentioned something about maybe not needing a verbal apology.

I guess the point I was trying to make is kinda ethereal. I've not answered it myself yet but...

I keep coming back to the fact that our relationship is co-created by 2 people. I am learning more and more that I can not expect or demand anything from EL at this time.

I have to be patient and work on avoiding LB's while trying to co-create a more exciting M.

I get the feeling that you and I are both still not far off from d-day (it's all in the perception right?). And that the turning point from stories I have heard is about 2 years post d-day.

Maybe it would work if a guy just worked on one resentment at a time...start with one and replace it with a (new) core piece of the M. I bet if the foundation pieces get fixed solidly that many of the extra resentments are forgotten.

You mentioned something about overuse of computer and TV...sounds like my house too. One of my current projects is to find a way to smooth EL and myself into a new hobby or interest together...something that would replace a fair amount of non-productive computer and TV time.

I am hoping that once we have a fun *us* life aside from the kids and chores and responsibilites that life will look brighter to both of us.

We start ball room dance lessons next week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(gawd I hope that helps us out)


Added:
I hear ya about things are better but not wonderful yet. The guage is moving then right?

I know you have heard it before (I am saying this as much for my benifit as yours) but this is not a race (you might have even said that to me when I first got here??? LOL)

P.S. Why has Squid stopped posting?

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

You will have to learn to deal with your resentment no matter what happends to your marriage. Gaining that realization is awesome.

This is personal recovery talk ... not necessarily marriage recovery talk.


And conversely, your W will have to learn to deal with her guilt and shame no matter what happends to your marriage.

You each have your own individual work before you.

You do not make your personal recovery work dependant on your wife's progress or lack thereof in her own personal recovery.

So .... resentment is a given. Don't feel that there is something wrong with you for feeling resentment.

First accept the feeling as valid.
Then decide what to do with the energy that resentment provides you.

Once the anger settles down, there is a deeper hurt ... and resentment is the symptom.

Bob, this is a spiritual journey, as you know.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by b0b pure*:
Wow. MC might be useful if only for me after all.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I laughed soooo loud when I read this.....
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... "duh"

Pep

Bob, yep! I know exactly how you feel. Except for the loving your baby part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Resentment . . . oh, boy, don't get me started.

I am eaten alive with resentment virtually every minute of every day. Bob, at least Squid seems to have *some* glimmer of guilt -- but my H has absolutely zero.

Just this past Sunday, his argument for his long-term personal involvements with his female co-workers was, "You act like I picked them up in a bar or something -- like I was 'dating' them."

Mulan: "Why on *earth* do you think it's any different??? Would you have gone out with them if you'd met them in a bar, or from an Internet website, or if friends introduced you?***

H: Probably not.

Mulan: THEN WHY IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH DO YOU THINK IT'S ANY DIFFERENT BECAUSE YOU MET THEM AT WORK?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

H: (staring at me like an owl) But -- they were work people. It shouldn't bother you.

And so it goes. He takes no responsibility and accepts not one shred of blame. Getting personally involved with other women and going out with them is perfectly okay as long as they are co-workers. He honestly believes this. Work is okay with it -- there aren't any rules against it and it's actually encourged and enabled -- so it is therefore okay. The end. *I* am the one who is unreasonable because I just can't see that it's perfectly okay and perfectly harmless so long as it's with a co-worker.

My feelings on this minor matter of his ignoring me for his female co-workers are completely, totally, and utterly invalidated by my H. I don't think there is anything that breeds greater resentment than that.
Mulan

P.S. Pepperband, love the sig line. Eddie Izzard is the reason my son decided to take French in high school. Actually made me smile today.

It's a start, Bob.

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mulan:
P.S. Pepperband, love the sig line. Eddie Izzard is the reason my son decided to take French in high school. Actually made me smile today. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eddie is a riot! When my 15-year old is in a pickle of her own making, I ask her "Cake or death?"

...Pep

Woo Hoo Eddie Izzard. He deserves his own thread..just 'cause.

Listening to him has gotten me through some pretty bad days.

Not hard to look at neither..even in drag <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Noodle

Hi Bob,

Long day, sorry to get here so late. Glad you went to MC today! Truly am happy to hear that.

Pep said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> First accept the feeling as valid.
Then decide what to do with the energy that resentment provides you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think my IC said something very much like this in one of my sessions. I think I went about 5 times before I felt like I wasn't making any more head way. She was very good in helping me take my resentment focosed on now* and deflecting it. I foget exactly what we talked about, but I remember talking about anything and everything. There were times where I thought "why is she telling me that about herself." It was weird at times, almost like the session was about her and not me. I think she did that at times to take my mind off of certain things.

Overall, all I'd say that the IC did a good job helping me over my resentment. There are times, I'm still P1S$ed at OM, but we didn't really talk about him much. One of the things she said was that recovery is a three part act. Recovery of myself, recovery of my Marriage and now*'s recovery. I could only control one of those and at best hope that now* would join me in the 2nd one and only she could work on herself. It took us about 4-6 months before it felt like we were in recovery. I've since found out that it's an ongoing process...probably for life.

A little more info on my/our recovery. My recovery has included: reading books (self help, marital, etc. you know the ones: SAA, HNHN, Torn Asunder, Passionate Marriage and others), IC; the marital recovery has included a lot of Plan A stuff and trying to meet EN's; now*'s recovery has included reading, writing and talking and we've both seen an MC for several sessions.

One of the things that both the IC and MC said to do was to take some time and spend together doing fun things. Get the good feelings back in the M (much like Harley's request that spouses spend 15 hrs/week quality time together). I think you've got a lot of that covered. You've now started IC/MC and have been working on yourself since the beginning. So what's left? Squid. And how do we control her recovery? That's right we don't. I think you've made your requests known. Do you know how long you're willing to wait for them?

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that you've come a dang long way in 6 months. Relax and see how it goes, learn from your MC and refocus your plan (on you, your M and see if Squid comes along for the ride --and I don't mean *ahem*)

Brotherly hugs,
RH

Given the betrayal and the circumstances, I believe resentment is a good honest reaction. I think that over time you will let go of most of it, but really you would have to be superhuman not to hold resentment. Adultery is as bad as it gets. You are normal. TT

Bob,

Here's my straight shoot from the hip cure for 'resentment'. Well, I'm no MC so whether or not my recipe works....it's all up to the cook. LOL!!!

BS: Well now that you have risen up to the Xws status, it w/b a good time to have a talk about where I am at. You interested? The outcome will affect you as much.

Xws: Oh, so you raised my status? Hmmmph.... I thought I was already your W.

BS: Well you c/b but this is a slow process. YOu know what is making it go even slower?

Xws: No, what?

BS: There are several factors. So as not to overburden our discussion, I would like to start out with 1 of them. Is that ok with you?

Xws: Yes.....what is it?

BS: Hm.... it is difficult to bring it out. Can't tell if you are irritated, annoyed or truly interested.

Xws: Iiii'mmmm, Iiii'mmmmm (stammering), I'm interested.

BS: Oh, thanks for clarifying. Well I think one of the primary factors and there are several.... one of the primary factors is: RESENTMENT. (dramatic roll......)

Xws: whose? mine or yours?

BS: Well that's interesting. What's yours?

Xws: I don't have any.

BS: Ok, well I do.

Xws: (blinking away the tears, twisted mouth syndrome emerges)..... You do, why?

BS: Well since you asked, I know I have been trying to figure it out and I found that I still to this day resent: ___________, _____________, etc. There's more but those are the hot ones.

Xws: So what are you going to do about it?

BS: Well I've given it some thought. Since you are the cause of most of these items, I could shoot you..... or give you the chance to work through these items with me and for me. If we do it together, it could help prevent future issues. So which one will it be?


Ok, that's my rendition. Any critiques? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Orchid...

I think you just invented double-reverse babble.

sd

Good feedback all, thanks !

Squid is in no placeto handle any discussion aboutmy resentment right now. I learned that on Monday in our 'warts N' all " discussion.

She already thinks I will divorce her for adultery first chance I get and thinks she's somewhere lower than whalesh*t on the'lower than low' scale.

Just recognising that I resent the PATOOTIE out of so many things is useful to me. I can decide what to do with this now.

I have never dealt with resentment on this scale before. Especially as I must respond with deliberate impotence to it as theres not a thing Squid can do to help my resentment.

Ah well. Keep choking it down I guess. A glass of water helps....

Hey Bob,

I was wondering when you were going to get around to addressing this one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The resentment issue tied in with my forgiveness issues somewhat... I felt guilty about my resentment because I'd already told my W that I "forgave" her. The anger and resentment that you are feeling now is real... and you must deal with it. Please don't just sweep it away and think that since you've "forgiven" Squid, that these feelings are invalid. You can learn to deal with them... and once you do, you will be that much further along in rebuilding your M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Our MC gave me several exercises to work through and some helped, and some didn't... Like Pep said, this is an individual rebuilding effort... Be sure to ask your MC for some good techniques to try...

Let me know if there are any specific questions I can help you with...

Semper Fi Mate,
RIF

Well Bob, you can either look at it as she is already in the mud and can only go up or she is in quicksand and will sink with or without you.

That convo I wrote was similar to the one I gave my Xws in 2003. Yep, I said I could shoot him or we could work on it together. Now I am not a gun advocate but I am human. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I felt I was at a limit that if we didn't work on this together and ASAP, I was gonna lose me. I let him know he had his chance to go 'find himself' and now if he really was back, I needed help. I wasn't weak just plain tired.

At first he balked, so I went into withdrawal. It wasn't pretty. I learned not to care for him. He taught me that. If he wanted me to care for him, he had to show care for me. That was the ground rule. Not one I set, it was one I needed. He knew it.

There was no more cushion and no more games. All the energy was taken out of me. That part of recovery was hard. The strength was gonna come from him or not at all. I did throw all my eggs in the basket. But I did have a backup plan. I already knew the steps t/b taken if he didn't meet my needs. Losing him wasn't a big fear that controlled my every thought. Nope it wasn't. Once he realized that, he chose to make his changes. First for him then for his family.

Bob, I hope it happens for you also. Squid needs to step up to the plate. Not an option. She will never be ready. When a diaster hits we are never fully ready but we make do. Let her know the diaster has hit. Either she pick up a shovel and start helping or there will not be anyone to benefit from her future good deeds.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid, a few days ago you warned me against pressing Squid too hard so soon :

Timing though is critical. So since you said you would hear it, here it comes:

1. Squid is still in the teetering stages. She has learned she can be with her family. Doesn't look like she is actually a part of her family....yet. Still a ways to go. For my H that took several months after the last recovery (Aug 2003).

2. Your taker wants to get fixed ASAP. Understandable but not sure if your heart is ready for whatever may babble forth due from Squid. I don't think she is ready to help your taker that way..... yet.

If there is any truth to items 1 & 2, then it w/b wise to make the adjustment on your taker. For a while. Not indefinitely. See it s/b Squid's que to you that she is ready to take on your taker. Then both w/b ready to help you out. Cause in reality, you are the one more in need than her. She just isn't up to parr to give you the right amount of help you so desparately want but not necessarily need at this time.

Make sense? If not, I will try again. I feel you are going through what I went through. I had to pull back on our recovery, at least on my side at first. My time came. In fact, it is still my time. LOL!!!

But now you seem to be exhorting me to encourage Squid to contribute harder and faster to recovery :

Squid needs to step up to the plate. Not an option. She will never be ready.

So I have to back off AND get her to step up to the plate ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

This is the central dichotemy I am experiencing in recovery: the desire to press versus the need to be patient.

Well I pressed pretty hard before Christmas, had a llull over Christmas and pressed again on Monday.

I learned Monday Squid is nowhere near able to prcess my resentment. Her heart IS changing, I heard some very hopeful things from her, but she would not be able to face any resentment discussion without crying and conflict avoidance. On monday ah was alsomost LITERALLY doing the kids CA tactic of "* fingers in ears saying 'blah blah blah blah * " so she wouldn't have to hear MY truth over her crumbling justifying fairytale one.

Your earlier posted approach makes more sense to me, and also was proven in RIFs awful sitch.

I don't like it but I must be patient and handle my resentment in other ways until Squid can help me deal with it.

I will not risk desroying our recovery through impatince any more than I will through complacency.

It snot only that Squid is made uncomfortable by such talk right now she evidently cannot PROCESS such. Fog still lives in her, I think she is clinging onto te last vestige of fog so she doesn;t have to look at what a tawdry entanglement she had , and that prince charming is actually Prince Charmin - a serial womanising old wastrel.

I need to look to ME to process this resentment, not Squid. She CAN'T help me with it right now.