Bob,

I did as I earlier posted. I gave my Xws 'his time'. Well that was not going to last forever.

You know how the WS will suck the life out of every advantage given to them.

The point where I let him have his 'space/time' was not as long as he may have liked. Then again the Xws would have liked it t/b forever.....not doable by me.

So I had to cut it short for me. For my survival.

Squid will never be ready Bob. But when you give her, her time..... you have met your commitment. Then Bob's time steps in.

When you put that timing to the test is within your control. When you feel yourself slipping, knowing there is no one to catch you (because the Xws is still expecting you to meet her needs, t/b there for her, etc.), then you have to take the action I outlined in my post earlier tonight.

Bob, this is my opinion. I am not an expert. This is what I had t/d for my survival. NO one was gonna catch me if H didn't step up to the plate.

I am still angry that he took it to that limit. It scared the bejeebers out of me. REally it did. To have to rely on the new H, scared me. I didn't know what he was capable of. I only knew the previous character Xws or WS was one I would not trust my life with.

So Bob, those 2 suggestions really are not contradictary. They go hand in hand and it depends on your needs. Don't ignore them. You need to be loved and convinced Squid really cares for you. All the way.

If she can't do that when YOU need it, then separate ways may be needed. R U prepared for that? I know I was. That's why I could take that leap.

JMHO,
L.

Hey Bob,

Everyone is different. The dynamics for each couple are different... I completely understand Orchid's two posts and I know exactly where she's coming from.

Only you can determine when you need to push a bit and when you need to back off... For me, that was one of the huge benefits of MC... Our MC was there to help guide both me & my W as we progressed through the different stages of rebuilding.

Don't get too wrapped up in what has worked for others... you and Squiddy are unique and you will have to decide what works best for you.

You are doing great! ....and you and Squiddy are GOING to make it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi mate,
RIF

Am I prepared to take the leap ?
Hmm.

Thats a difficult question.

WhenSquid was a spitting, hateful thing to me and teh kids, and it was touch and go whether the kids would be better apart form her, definitely. I got passports and finances arranged and needed only to make a phone call.

But my studies in MM told me that such spiteful fog behaviour was generated by addiction to teh feelings of her affair during withdrawal so I protected the kids as best I could and plan A'ed.

She changed enormously. She is transformed in day-to-day behaviour now not only from the vicious fog harridan but alos from the indolent selfish spouse of prior to d-day.

Most of her actions are very loving, she is a great and indulgent mother to our kids again and had she not just had an affair to recovery from, she would be a wonderful wife too.

In 'practical' recovery she is re-embedding herself at the centre of our family and in my heart. NC has held totally.

Its her personal R and our processing of the A that are happening more slowly.

She has a lot of issues that need dealing with too - her mid life crisis, her self perception..lots of stuff needing IC when she's ready for it.

So would I tear a loving supportive mother away from our kids right now because she IS recovering but not at the same pace I am ? No.
Would I abandon her for an abstract reason such as " she isn't saying she is sorry" when she needs my love and support more than ever ? No

Would I leave her if through recovery we uncover some base incompatability or unchangeable unacceptable behaviour or attitude in her? Yes but th children are the major considration here.

Our kids have a Mom and Dad who laugh, make love and intimate:who make plans for the future and refer to the past.

They have a stable and happy home and only five months into NC our day-to-day lives are discernably better and more examined than for years.

It would take something pretty bad, that badly affected the kids lives or my life even worse for me to leave now.So yes I am ready to take the leap but only when that is the best for the kids.

Also, Squid has stopped her affair, is addressing my ENs, is addressing some of her issues and is loving me as hard as she can while her heart is still so messed up.

What kind of man would I be to let her down now?

Bob - You are doing great!!!


***** YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO MAKE IT*****

Bob,

My tolerance level is low now. I would go to plan B in a minute for less reasons than 4 years ago.

My son already knows what it is like NOT to have his real dad. He wants his real dad and I want my real H. WE will settle for nothing less. Because when we did, we hurt big time.

So do you really think that Squid can be a great mom and not be a great W? That is a question only you can decide.

The choices you make are for you and your family. My child told me that if I was not happy, he couldn't really be happy. That came from the mouth of a 7 year old. Imagine that!

That made me think. Think hard. Was I going to stay in a marriage less than what I needed even if it was to an Xws.....? See unless we worked on both our needs together, he was not an H.

My H became the H when he meet my needs. Til then I was living with an Xws and I had a low tolerence even for those kind.

That was my way of dealing with it. I am sure you will find yours.

All the best.

L.

"happy". Not sure what that means anymore Orchid.

Was I happy before Squids affair in our dreary, unintimate marriage ?

Am I happy now although I am dealing with the eviscerating loss of her affair, because we are MORE intimate, mutually appreciative and examining of our R than ever before?

Perhaps I have learned that there ARE no ultimate, de-facto condition that when met makes for 'happiness'. Such naievety was a casualty of her affair.

Life is making the best of what you have, changing what you can and coping with what you can't IMO.

I am in no way as unhappy and dissastisfied as you were during early recovery with your FWH.

Would I be 'happier' without Squid in my life now? No I do not think so. On balance the value I get from her ENs and love for me and love and support for the kids is worth more than her relative slowness at helping me to recover from her affair.

In truth I do not know if it is Squid that is the one who CAN help me with some eof my post-affair issues.

Nothing she can do will make her have no had sex with another man. I must learn to deal with that, with or without her regret for that fact.

Nothing can remove the fact of her betrayal, lying, manipulation...all that stuff.
A heartfelt "sorry" is about the best I can hope for. Squid is no therapist - shes not even a coping person right now.

The way I see it is I am the functional one right now. the one who has studied recovery and affairs: the one who can bounce ideas of, and gain wisdom from orchid for example <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Squid has made huge progress in seven months, and I have no reason to believe she wil not continue to make progress with my support for the rest of our lives. It may not be quick enough for my dreams but by almost any account we are making great progress.

I think that I owe it to Squid to help her recover to a position where she can have a say in what we do. It could be that SHE is not happy remaining in our M. I think such decisions need to be made when both spouses are balanced and compos mentis.

Squid isn't yet.

Hmm. You got me thinking about what 'happy' means now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Completely OT...but I had no idea our own Eddie Izzard was so well-known in the US! Well, well.

I wish he'd come over and do my eye make-up some time!

Bob,

So it is safe to say that Squid is aware of your resentment towards the things she has done?
If so, then it is likely that is what is holding her back from talking about the A....she is scared, she doesn't feel safe.
Is she responsible for your resentment, how you feel? Are you responsible for how she feels? I know I have heard often that we are not responsible for how another person feels, but honestly I struggle with where to draw the line on that one. We are relational beings, and in a marriage, two shall become one, right? How far do we take that? Or is it ok to retain a portion of ourselves?
What kind of messages are you sending her, subtly or not so subtly, about who she needs to be in order to stay married to you?

Bob, you said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Karate, refereeing its all KUDOS for being a YOUNG MAN. Thats right, its not female kudos :Karate is a YOUNG MAN'S sport.
Squid has so not identified with her real life that she has tried to become a young man.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She HATES being forty, a mom, and a wife. THATS why I am still not assured of our recovery success.

I can;t give her a life that isn't that of a mother, a wife and being forty. I treid that by letting he rkarate ambitions be fulfilled but that led to an affair and even more unhappiness for her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you really mean this, Bob? This is what really set me off the other day when I asked if you "hear" yourself. (I'm sorry for the way I said that, though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )

It's like you are saying that your marital recovery is contingent upon her being who YOU want her to be. Please tell me I am wrong! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Bob,
This thread is bringing a long time lurker out to offer some assistance. I wanted desperately to rid myself of the resentment I had for my husband- but I couldn't find the steps to do it. About 6 months in to recovery, my husband asked for a list of everything I needed to be able to forgive him-so I gave it to him and he worked on my requests until he could check them all off-some were major-like going back to church, career change, apologizing to OW's husband in person, going to a MB seminar.....He made himself a better parent and husband- I appreciated his efforts, but it did nothing for the resentment. In fact, I even resented his self-improvment-it almost seemed effortless- and I kept thinking it its this damn easy for him to give me everything I've wanted in a husband why did he have to put me through hell first? As the two year mark was approaching-he said that he was very discouraged with our relationship, because after everything he had done to prove his love and dedication to me-all it took was me thinking of something he did during the affair, and the day was shot. His current day actions were easily disregarded if I came across one little trigger. I wasn't crying and breaking down like I did in the beginning, but I might sulk, feel sorry for myself, withdraw, (I think I am alot like Squid when I don't feel I'm getting what I want!)
Anyways-that's when I started to realize that my way of thinking-of letting bad memories get in the way of the current day-had to change. I needed to change the way I managed my horrible memories-because they certainly weren't going to change. Thankfully, I came across an article about dealing with trauma memory-and that was the start of me getting over the resentment. (I'm still a work in progress)It talks about how every memory is a file in your brain, and the more frequently you use the file the easier it is to pull it and have it available. Once the file is out, it takes about 90 seconds for the emotional part of the file to surface. I realized that is exactly what happened to me. I was creating my own rollercoaster. I'd wait in line a couple days for the ride-and things would be going well-then I'd get reminded of something, think about it for a few minutes, and step right on that roller coaster so that I could get the pleasure of that familiar kick in the gut feeling, or self-rightous-anger, or hate for the OW, or disgust for my husband-you name it, that roller coaster took me for way too many rides those two years. For me, overcoming resentment means managing those bad memories so that they do not impact my feelings today. The article told me why and how to manage all my crappy files-if you think it might be helpful you can find it at www.drjoecarver.com. Good luck.

It's like you are saying that your marital recovery is contingent upon her being who YOU want her to be. Please tell me I am wrong!

Its much more complicated that that NOW.

Squid had a realy bad allergic reaction to turning forty. She started going out and getting really drunk really late with much younger friends, men and women: she HURLED herself into her sport, and with every step towards "eternal youth", she took a step away from the kids and me.


This ultimately manifested itself in an affair with a much much older man (which may have made he feel young too, I dunno).

Squid is a pretty, fit, funny, sexy, smart, good hearted forty year old woman and mother. Her life has been an adventure that ust would not fit into less than 40 year son God's earth and I have no idea why she was so revolted by hitting forty.

She doesnt place a value on being a mother and wife - instead values other attribute slike youthful risk-taking , brashness and vulgarity.

When she is with her friends she is a loud innuendo queen, brash and loud with a ridiculous " oh cheer up and get with it , Granddad ! attitude to me and anyone who seems to represent those folks of whave matured beyond being sick outside a club after drinking fifty shots of vodka.

And it just isn't SQUID. She hasn't been like that since we WERE both teens and did that stuff.

Its really not that I am old before my time ; I can party with the best of them but its the aspiration to be 20 again that is a problem.

Squid needs to find out whay she isn't happy in her skin before I can be confident of her returnng happily into our family.

How can I attract her back from her affair feelings when daily loife as a mother was so stifling to her since turnng forty that she craved someone who would deliberately IGNORE her motherhood and wifely status : OM.

I can't offer her the life of a free and single twenty year old without making our family suffer.

The duties of a wife and mother are part of the job.

What I need to do is wok out if Squid can truly never be happy as a firty year old wife an dmother and if not, she must follow her heart away from us.

I'll be really sad and he kids will be gutted but I won't shackle Squid to us. I love her too much for that.

She needs to be happy as a mother and wife, or go and be a teenager elsewhere.

It frustrates me that her self imagine is only positive when she is not considered a wife and mother because I can think of no higher state of grace.
You can see that the message of Squids affair is a complicated one NOW.

I fear that however much Ilov eer, I can never make her feel twenty like OM did cos I am the father of her kids and her provider and am a constant reminder of that.

We are starting a small business together in an attempt to make Squid feel good about herself and to broaden her interests. She is very excited about this and we will have to see if it works out.

I love her so much.

Its a pity she doesn't love herself.

Bob, I just read through this whole thread and I feel for you. The reason is because I just got out "Surviving an Affair" and was rereading the recovery part of the book. I really haven't looked much at the book since d-day, a little over a year ago. It reminded me how much I couldn't stand Sue. In fact, while I was reading that book I kept hoping her H would finally dump her. I know, not very MB-like. I am not saying your Squid is like Sue, because it took Sue forever to end her A. But when Sue finally came back to her H she showed zero remorse. Willard Harley says that remorse is not a prerequisite to recovery, and I'm sure he's right. For me eventually it would be a major dealbreaker. I was fortunate that once H really saw my pain he was extremely remorseful, and it's still difficult to recover from this even with a remorseful S.

I'm with Orchid in that at some point, which only you will know when that is, she will have to step up to the plate. She is a grown woman and not a little girl. She needs to discover how this A happened so she can protect herself in the future. My H went to IC right after d-day and discovered all sorts of things about himself. I'm not sure I could stay with him if he hadn't. Lately he has been going back to a dysfunctional place in our M. We just went to our 1st MC yesterday. We did go briefly after d-day, but I stopped it. I couldn't tolerate MC while he was missing the "B". Anyway, our MC said that when H gets triggered he is triggered back into childhood. When I get triggered I am triggered back to the pain during and after the A. I think the WS's childhood crap really does contribute to why they had an A, at least it did in my H's case.

I'm pretty sure I wrote this to you before when you commented on your W's problem with getting older. I think that is so sad. You can love her, but eventually she has to learn to love and accept herself. Reliving her 20s ain't gonna get her there. I personally would never want to go back to my 20s. I really hope that Squid one day will go to IC. At some point I think it is within your right to know what you need her to do to help in the recovery process. I'm not saying this is the time. Take care Bob! Lucky for you, and even luckier for Squid, you have a great, big heart! CV

First .... I wanted to say to SA ...where have you been keeping yourself? I LOVED your entire post !!! Please, don't lurk ... you have too much good stuff to share to keep in all to yourself! ~WoW~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starting again:
Bob,
This thread is bringing a long time lurker out to offer some assistance. I wanted desperately to rid myself of the resentment I had for my husband- but I couldn't find the steps to do it. About 6 months in to recovery, my husband asked for a list of everything I needed to be able to forgive him-so I gave it to him and he worked on my requests until he could check them all off-some were major-like going back to church, career change, apologizing to OW's husband in person, going to a MB seminar.....He made himself a better parent and husband- I appreciated his efforts, but it did nothing for the resentment.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can soooo much relate. Are we twins separated at birth? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

In fact, I even resented his self-improvment-it almost seemed effortless- and I kept thinking it its this damn easy for him to give me everything I've wanted in a husband why did he have to put me through hell first?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too!!!! My H , once he got himself on the recovery train, made like a bullet train going from Tokyo to Kyoto ZZZZooooooommmmmmm

Meanwhile, I was more like a steam engine gasping my way up a 30 degree incline *cough* >spurt< *gasp*

And my TAKER cried out : "NOT FAIR!!!!

Waa-waa <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

As the two year mark was approaching-he said that he was very discouraged with our relationship, because after everything he had done to prove his love and dedication to me-all it took was me thinking of something he did during the affair, and the day was shot. His current day actions were easily disregarded if I came across one little trigger. I wasn't crying and breaking down like I did in the beginning, but I might sulk, feel sorry for myself, withdraw, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd say ... at the slightest provocation, "I want a divorce. This isn't working." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">


Anyways-that's when I started to realize that my way of thinking-of letting bad memories get in the way of the current day-had to change. I needed to change the way I managed my horrible memories-because they certainly weren't going to change. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes ... and I also realized that I was making myself miserable, and getting a divorce would only make me a divorced and miserable woman ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thankfully, I came across an article about dealing with trauma memory-and that was the start of me getting over the resentment. (I'm still a work in progress)It talks about how every memory is a file in your brain, and the more frequently you use the file the easier it is to pull it and have it available. Once the file is out, it takes about 90 seconds for the emotional part of the file to surface. I realized that is exactly what happened to me. I was creating my own rollercoaster.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love the file anaology. It is also applicable to the wayward spouse who pulls out the affair partner's memory file from time to time ... and re-kindles those feelings just by paying attention to the file. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">


I'd wait in line a couple days for the ride-and things would be going well-then I'd get reminded of something, think about it for a few minutes, and step right on that roller coaster so that I could get the pleasure of that familiar kick in the gut feeling, or self-rightous-anger, or hate for the OW, or disgust for my husband-you name it, that roller coaster took me for way too many rides those two years.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And these feelings provided the necessary defense from the ever-dangerous intimacy that was threatening !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For me, overcoming resentment means managing those bad memories so that they do not impact my feelings today.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I love you!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks SA. That's sage advice.The file analogy breaks down when you realise that we can lock , delete or replace files but memories of those things we resent are permanent.

Thats why I think I need a resentment handling methodology rather than an avoidance or diversion strategy.

I'll check out the link, and raise it at my next MC sesion.


CV, thank you too. Its clear Squid has a set of issues that CAUSED the A not just as a result of them. And I feel impotent to help her as I am not independent or skilled enough to counsel her.

I have said this before, and it is not an excuse, there is not a culture of counselling and therapy in the UK.

We 'hang on in quiet desperation' as Pink Floyd once said. Stiff upper lip, don't talk about yourself, therapy is how the chattering classes reward themselves for having so much money etc etc

It is as alien to Squid or myself to seek counselling as it would be to have cosmetic surgery or go to a faith healer. Really.

I only sought out an MC at the insistence of some lifers on here, and I have high hopes, at last , that I may have found a service that may help us.
I am very uncomfortable with it though.

I pray Squid realises soon that its OK to accepot and enjoy new phases of her life. No one is better than another one.

Bob, I want to tell you to enjoy the MC, althought that might not be the correct word. Just have an open mind. Will Squid be with you since it is MC? Whatever the case it will be a good opportunity for you to get your stuff out in a place other than cyberspace, which has been great for me. But face to face has it's benefits also. And you wouldn't be able to be her therapist even if you were her therapist. As you mnight know counseling is my profession and Steve Harley told me early on not to be H's therapist. I don't want to be either.

In order for you to be safe and hopefully heal from this trauma I think she does need to understand the A in order to protect herself and your M in the future. Also, I really do hope for her she can get over this age thing and find healthy ways to learn, grow, and be happy. Something that our C told us yesterday that maybe eventually might help you both he called "bracketing." H has begun to have real problems with A talks. We actually haven't had that many in recent months. In his mind we have cleaned out the wound and it's time to move on. Well I know it ain't cleaned out enough for me yet. So our shrink told us to set aside one time a week for maybe an hour to just talk about whatever I need to discuss. H needs to answer any question I have and be totally attentive to me. I needed to agree that when the hour is up the conversation stops so he doesn't feel overwhelmed. Maybe you and Squid eventually can make some kind of agreement like that. Good luck! CV

you Mr. Pure

Does your Squidy have an American accent? She sounds just like my EL.

<scratches head>

CV I dunno how its gonna turn out re MV just yet. All new territory for me. Thanks for the good wishes though !

Greergan, Squid has a liverpool accent like John Lennon, crosed with a midlands accent liek mine.

Its very sweet and I love it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wow SA,

Thanks for posting the link - I love this guy, he has some great articles on other mental health issues that I sorely need!!

This was a great gift to me, Thank you!

Jeeze-thanks Pep. Means alot coming from you! I feel better about myself these days so I hope I can help someone else. Twins....now that is a hoot!

The initial post was a trigger for me. My wife had the OM in the car all the time and they had sex in it. OM drove the car as well. I had to sell the car, I couldn’t stand to be in it.

My wife gave money to OM as well as multiple free lunches before or after sex.

My wife gave lavish expensive gifts to OM while in return he gave her thrift store merchandise.

OM instructed my wife in the art of deception.

I realize that the betrayal causes more resentment than the actual SEX. Deep inside I am unable to get though this evil. Is this recovery??

Difficult territory here.

No BS is without deep, ingrained feelings of betrayal, deception, shock, disgust, and resentment.

Here's my experience on dealing with some of these issues.

The sex. At first this was my biggest dissapointment. My beautiful bride sullied by an OM. Then it hit me. The BIG deal was the loss of her heart to another man. Sex (unless accompanied by STD's or OC) washes off. Neither of us were :::: virgins when we married, and both of us were "in love" with previous partners. Affairs are typically not "all about sex", anyway. Hence, I was able to "let go". Forgive and try to forget, except for allowing the memory to be the catalyst for me to meet her needs, as completely and consistantly as possible for the rest of our married life.

The hurtful, spawn-inspired spew of a WS is certainly where the resentment is hardest to overcome. Yes, they (the WS) did all they did, and they said all they said, and I'm pretty convinced they meant every word of it. But under what conditions? They were CONSUMED by an addiction. Temporary insanity? Alien abduction? Call it what you will, but a WS can become an entirely different person when consumed by the addiction of the FANTASY, and they play out the role, without THINKING of the collateral damage.

WS's can forsake all that was once ALL IN THE WORLD to them. Parents, spouse, children, church, all neatly and catagorically disposed of when it's in the interest of continuing the addiction.

How can I "blame" my FWW for actions she took, when it was not REALLY her saying those things and taking those actions? One can place legal "blame" on a drunk (addicted) driver who takes another's life by carelessly driving a car. One can "blame" a crack-head for robbing a liquor store. These people can be "punished" to the full extent of the law. But the fact remains, generally speaking, the ADDICTION is at fault. The addiction drives people to "act out" in manners not typical of the individual when they are NOT "under the influence". How can the alcoholic or the crack head "explain" their actions?

My own sense of resentment stems not from the actions my FWW committed while "under the influence" of the A, it's how she could have crossed those boundries, and allowed the A to take place at all. Why couldn't she come to me and discuss the needs that I wasn't meeting? Well, truthfully, she did from time to time, and we just never properly communicated about those issues, until she "gave up" on me, gave up on her, and allowed boundries previously in place to be crossed. We share the fault in that, with the absense of conversations that should have taken place, if our priorities were straight.

That could be a whole 'nother thread, though. I guess what I'm saying here, is that what I've described above is how I've processed the resentment of things done and said my my FWW. The courts recognize "temporary insanity", and I can't think of a better description for what a WS goes through. When the fog finally cleared, the "insanity" was gone. There are certainly scars that remain, and issues to be discussed, but a deep, undying resentment for those "fogged" actions and remarks are not among them.

My energy is now better spent in not looking at a healthy marriage as a destination, but as a work in progress, and when my mind goes to those awful memories, I look forward and modify my behavior to fit what I expect from the future, rather than lamenting over the past. Maybe I'm just fooling myself? Any thoughts?

Best wishes,

SD

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>