So yesterday I had a very tough day...first real tough day where I didn't want to leave the house in quite some time. I think between all the Valentine promotions, my 5 year anniversary (our first date) with WH quickly approaching, reflection on the hurt in my life this past year+, as well as thinking about the good times I had with WH all hit home yesterday and I spent much of the day bawling on and off. Last night, I went through my wedding albums, reflecting back on all the good and also working on condensing the 3 albums down to 2 (am going to sent WH most of the pix with his family; he can do as he pleases but I think he will want these at some point in time). I also read my journal, which includes all my darkest moments (including my once suicidal thoughts in June) and all the sentiment I shared with WH during these tough times this past year. I also found a script that WH and I had wrote to our wedding officiant after WH had proposed to me. It was hard for me to see this cuz there are so many things he professed to me that have ended up being just one big lie...I no longer know who he is and it scares the sh*t out of me entering the singles scene. I even mentioned to the guy I have been hanging out with purely on a friendship basis (although there is an attraction) that it just sucks to have such trust issues. Anyways, this is what WH and I wrote to each other 4 years ago:
WH's words to me...
1. What do you cherish about your beloved?
It is impossible to pick just one thing I cherish about K. She is smart, funny, beautiful and in general…perfect! She is the most genuinely nice person I have ever met. She inspired me to be the best person I can be, if only for the fact that by being a better person myself, I might make her life happier. I guess the only thing that I truly cherish about K is that she found room in her heart for me.
2. What does marriage mean to you?
Marriage is the joining of two people in every sense of the word. Mind, body and soul. You must be willing to sacrifice something sacred to yourself in order to enhance something that is sacred to your partner. It is two people accepting each other for who they are, faults and all, only to you they don’t seem like faults but just another reason to love that person.
3. What are you willing to commit to?
I am willing to commit to anything in the world to make K’s life a better one. She is what makes my life complete, and I will do everything to keep her life happy and enriched. For me the word commitment seems like something you “have†to do, or might find hard to do, but with K nothing is hard. Being with her is the easiest thing I have ever done, that is why I know we were meant for each other.
4. What do you want your guests to know?
I would like our guests to know how honored I am to have met my one true love, and that they are here to share in our very special day. K and I are very oriented towards nature and close friendships, so to have our wedding along the breaking waves of the Pacific Ocean with our dearest friends at our side makes us amazingly happy. I could not have ever dreamed my life would turn out this perfect, and it is ALL because of K. She is my inspiration, my happiness, and my love. If only hope I touch her life as much as she touches mine.
My responses:
1. What do you cherish about your beloved?
The fact that WH on our first date was able to give me that “butterfly†feeling that no guy had ever given me. The butterfly feeling can be described as a feeling of security, a feeling of comfort, a feeling of friendship, a feeling of trust, a feeling of love. Prior to WH, I had never spoken the words “I love you†yet felt no qualms saying them because I knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. WH is someone who makes me feel good about living. He creates a feeling of joy in my heart. WH allows me to be strong, yet gives me the comfort and support whenever I need it. With WH, I found somewhere that makes me feel sheltered and secure, yet free to grow and develop on my own. With WH, I found the someone who accepts me as I am yet helps me to become a better, more fulfilled person. With WH, I found what it seems I had been looking for forever—the beautiful, and real, meaning of love.
2. What does marriage mean to you?
Marriage, to me, symbolizes the unity of two colors. These colors never fade, sharing a lifetime of memories. These memories include honest communication; intimacy; reaching and attainment of dreams together; sharing of thoughts, feelings and emotions; being with each other during times of trouble and triumph; growing as a couple; loving one another unconditionally.
3. What are you willing to commit to?
With WH, I am willing to commit to anything that will make him happy. I will help him attain his dreams. I will communicate in a honest and caring manner. I will share intimate moments with him. I will share all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with WH. I will help WH through both trouble and triumph. I will love WH unconditionally as long as we both live and beyond.
4. What do you want your guests to know?
It amazes me that out of the whole world I would find the one person who would make my life complete and that we both would be at the right place to meet and at the right time in our lives to fall in love. Five years ago if you had ever asked where you’d think I’d be, it probably was not San Diego. By chance, I was computer matched to San Diego for a clinical internship in dietetics. Upon my arrival in San Diego, I decided I would join the San Diego Track Club as means to meet new people with common interests. This is where I first met WH. It is kind of ironic of our timing. Five years ago, you could have asked any of WH’s friends about where they thought he would be in 5 years and the track would have been the last place to have found him. The same year I had moved out to San Diego and joined the track club was the same year WH met a friend who coerced him into running a 5k. This 5k paved the way for a blossoming runner and the congregation of two colors meant to blend together. I have to admit our story makes me a believer of fat. I am so thankful for all that happened to bring us together and once again I realize that our love was truly meant to be.
I do see a conflict in what each of us say; in particular, I always am very confident about who I am and WH's feelings towards me but WH makes comments that are indicative of low self esteem....like, "the only thing that I truly cherish about K is that she found room in her heart for me" and "I could not have ever dreamed my life would turn out this perfect, and it is ALL because of K. She is my inspiration, my happiness, and my love. If only hope I touch her life as much as she touches mine." I also read a card from a close friend of WH who actually introduced the two of us (this guy is now closer to me and rarely sees or interacts with WH)....interestingly, this is what he said: "WH & K: We are very proud and happy for you on this day but especially for the growth I have seen in WH. May you have many wonderful years and miles together." There were even comments made by MIL like, "K, you make WH a better person", comments by his wedding party like "I'm proud of you WH. K is so good for you. I am happy of the man you have grown to be." It is all amazing to see it now...but it just screams out insecurity, low self esteem. I do believe all have good in their heart and that all can erase demons and become better people...hear inspiring stories everyday. I just feel so helpless continuing to watch my WH spiral back into old, unhealthy, immature behavior that never lead to anything good in his past...very scared to see where his current chosen path is taking him. How do I just put these concerns behind me. Even with my continued strides toward accepting this divorce, I still genuinely care about what is happening to WH. He is a lost man on a path filled with destruction, anger, hatred, fear, hurt, and sadness. I have tried to help him but he has resisted...it is like he has this barrier put up where he doesn't want to accept that he needs help. Instead of confronting the "issues" that have lead to such destructive behavior, he has always buried his problems internally and tried to start on a clean slate, copping out, taking the seemingly "easier" road out of a life that had been so good for him. I am lost for words to describe how hard this has been for me. I know that I am deserving of so much but I read my comments to WH like "I will help WH through both trouble and triumph" and then hear songs like "I'll Stand By You" and it makes me want to go back to helping WH even if it is merely as a caring person at this point in time.
Anyways, sorry for the long post...guess I have had a lot on my mind. Any thoughts/feedback would be greatly appreciated ( :
Thanks,
K
Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 31 yo WH
Happily Married: 3.5 years, together 5. There were never any fights....not sure what happened with WH although I know our busy lifestyles prevented us from spending enough quality time together....perhaps this hurt his seemingly vulnerable ego.
His Affairs: Fall 03 with coworker and most recent with a 2003 HS graduate who he met when she exposed herself via webcam on a chatline.
D-Day: May 23, 2004. Plan A thru Oct. Plan B thru Dec. Divorce papers served a couple days prior to Christmas by WH. I hire a lawyer and report OW (the 19 year old) to her commanding officer and now am the "evil" one according to WH and his family. I have since been told that I am "never welcome in their family again."
