Maybe I'm just not as strong as the other people here.

I think we are about to get divorced.

I don't know what to do. I can't fix this. I don't even know how. I just read the thread about forgiving and forgetting - and letting go of blame. It looked like an impossibility to me.

1. I can allow him to be human - fine. That one I have no choice but to do. The second part of that statement (not bringing it up)I can't seem to do no matter how much I promise myself I will.
I get so angry and it just comes out. I am not typically a very angry person and I'm usually quite patient and reflective before I speak. I've never known this side of me and I don't like it.

2. I DO hold a grudge. A part of me hates him for what he did. There is another part of me, too, and that part still loves him and thinks things like "It's not HIS fault I was not good enough and deserving of fidelity".

3. I do see that he is remorseful now. Maybe this remorse would be more acceptable if this happened on ONE occassion. But to continuing to do something that makes you remorseful over and over again doesn't make someone appear all that remorseful. It makes them seem uncaring.

4. I cannot let go of my anger, hurt, and pain over this offense. I don't even see HOW. Am I just supposed to accept that I'm inadequate in his eyes. That seems humiliating. Having sex with him is humiliating.

I have never felt so inadequate and ugly. I know physical beauty is important to him. He holds very high standards for himself, and I think for me, too. I feel like I'm under a microscope and every flaw I have is magnified every time he looks at me. I wish that he looked at me the same way I look at him. I wish that when he looked at me he saw physical beauty just because it was me and he loved me. That's how I feel about him.

I won't even address the rest because they seem equally as unattainable as the first four and there were a bunch of them.

This is too hard. I feel like if I stay, then I am choosing to live with the fact that I was not good enough. I don't want to be second to his OW in any area. I want someone who thinks I am worth everything. I don't want to be with someone who is willing to "settle" for me or who is willing to sacrifice what they REALLY want in someone just because I have some qualities that might overshadow the sacrifices. I don't believe that he loves me. I don't believe ANYTHING he says. He has proven to me that he will say whatever he thinks I want to hear to avoid conflict. How do I know he's not doing that now? He has a serious fear of abandonment. He has proven in past relationships that he will settle for just about anything to avoid being abandoned. I can't risk getting hurt again. This HURTS SO MUCH AND I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!!!! I am tired of being miserable. I am even more tired of making him miserable. I hate life and I hope God decides he is done with me very, very soon.

Frozen - How far out from dday are you? I'm sorry I don't remember if you ever stated that. Basically, I know how you feel and my 1st dday was 14 months ago and the 2nd dday was less than a year ago. I have felt the exact way you feel and I'm there tonight again. I have noticed when I am stressed or my FWH is gone or I'm PMSing I feel these things more intensely. I'm not giving up though because I have two children and they are worthy of two parents. I am and you are too - a WORTHY person. We are not second choice and how sad for our spouses if they do feel they are settling. I wouldn't do that. They are the fools - not US!

Frozen: (my first post to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )


RECOVERY IS VERY HARD..............much harder than DIVORCE IMO (this is probably a very personal stance depending on situation) . Frozen....if recovery was so easy, we would have all done it. YOu have chosen to take the "tough" way, so you should be commended.

YOur struggling now..........that is A-ok. You can't fix this overnight. It takes a long while. Baby steps.....that is what you have to be thinking about. Your struggles and feelings are NORMAL and par for the course. IC/MC all need to come. The results will come, you just have to allow patience for them to come. There will probably be many more dark days, but there will also be days of light and hope. EVENTUALLY the balance will weigh on the days of hope, THIS WILL HAPPEN. Each day you recover yourself will be one step closer for you. Your marriage cannot survive unless you "fix you" first. I don't have advice for your marriage, but I do KNOW FIRST HAND that personal recovery and a fulfilling life are possible. They were for me, and they will be for you. Keep up the fight girl.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

Hey Frozen -

Are you guys in MC? The feelings that you're describing are all valid... you CAN work through them...

The feelings of anger and resentment don't just "go away" with time... you have to work through them... and that's where a good pro-marriage MC will really help you guys...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Oh my, you sound just like me! I am so afraid of never being able to let go. I am so afraid I can never forgive him. When I am looking at him all I see is him being with her. I also feel like I must have not been good enough, and that he is settling for me because of the kids, and because the OW dumped him!
I don't know your sitch, sorry. I wish I could tell you that you WILL get over everything, I just can't. I think everyone is different, and there are some people who CAN'T get over the pain. I hope that you can, and that you get all you deserve. Just know that you are not alone!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How far out from dday are you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3 months

Well Frozen you are actually progressing much faster than me - the anger and resentment didn't really hit hard until about six months <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> There are times when it will feel hopeless and everything seems wrong, but anything worth having is worth fighting for, right? I agree with lemonman - recovery is harder because we have to face the person that ripped out our hearts on a daily basis. That is not easy. I am giving myself at least a year from dday2 to see how I feel about divorce. I do have many good days now, so it does get better. Hang in there!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">there are some people who CAN'T get over the pain.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I must be one of those.

I can't stand this anymore. I have to get out of here. He is in the other room playing his stupid online game with his friends, escaping. I am going to a bar.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by truetoself:
<strong> I wish I could tell you that you WILL get over everything, I just can't. I think everyone is different, and there are some people who CAN'T get over the pain. I hope that you can, and that you get all you deserve. Just know that you are not alone! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I think your point is very valid...and I think what I really want Frozen to know is that SHE HAS TO HEAL IRREGARDLESS if her marriage survives. Her marriage may very well NOT survive (hopefully it does, but she has no choice but to work on "herself" and find happiness again WITHIN herself. There are tools for this (AD's, IC, etc..). "Getting over the pain" is something that all BS must eventually do to "move on". This was the case for me, maybe others see it different.

Frozen,

Don't go to a bar.

There ought to be a sign above those dark holes to get drunk in..something Dantesque.

"Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter"

Noodle

This is as I read my feelings at that time...
I'm so sorry, I know how you feel...


All of us are different.
Some people can take it and get over the pain - and stay with WS, forgive, and sometimes be happier then ever... and this depends on 'from the case to the case'...

But all I know for sure! is that all of us get over the pain regardless if we stay M or not.
And, at the end, that's only what really matters.

Let some more time, especially if he broke with OW (did he?)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All of us are different.
Some people can take it and get over the pain - and stay with WS, forgive, and sometimes be happier then ever... and this depends on 'from the case to the case'...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But some simply can't, right?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let some more time, especially if he broke with OW (did he?)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To the best of my knowledge, yes.

Frozen,

Do you feel obligated to try to recover?

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you feel obligated to try to recover?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES, YES, YES

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All of us are different.
Some people can take it and get over the pain - and stay with WS, forgive, and sometimes be happier then ever... and this depends on 'from the case to the case'...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But some simply can't, right? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Something I read once in a book called "How to Save Your Marriage Yourself"....

dang it!! I can't find it now!!!

So, I'll give you the gist, although not as well as stated in the book I am sure.

Pretty much every "can't" statement can be more correctly stated as a "won't" statement.

There is nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of things in this life I CAN do that I WON'T do.

But, we owe it to ourselves to make the distinction.

Maybe you truly can't get over it. That is a possibility. You don't know that yet though.

Maybe you won't get over it. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!! If you walk away today and never look back you are, in my opinion, justified in doing so.

BUT, recognize the difference between can't and won't.

You have before you hard work, horrible loss and a new life....no matter which way you go.

You decide can or can not get over it, will or will not get over it.

You aren't, you know.

Why do you feel this way?

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
[QB] </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All of us are different.
Some people can take it and get over the pain - and stay with WS, forgive, and sometimes be happier then ever... and this depends on 'from the case to the case'...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But some simply can't, right?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right.
And some people will not!
(Excellent distinction, FIM!)

I know some people they never even considered reconciliation after being cheated on. Unacceptable, for them, no any further step, together, in M.

I gave it another chance. Just one more. And told him it's just one more! And told him I meant it, just one more.
He didn't use it. He lied again, continued A again.
And I did NOT WANT to take it. THAT was unacceptable FOR ME.

Also I know people theg work hard on themselves and on their M, and it works!
Sometimes we learn much more from a mistake then from anything else!

Where are you with this?
Where is your husband? (Stopping A is an excellent sign!)
Only you know where you 'belong', just think very well, better - give some more time to clarify any doubt you might have now...
Don't rush - you have to be 100% sure in your choice, no matter what it might be.
Only after that you do things you never regret.
(I did so, and I never felt any regret.)

Frozen, I am sorry for what you are going through, I am new here and don't know your whole story but I don't know how you feel about not being able to get over it. In my opinion an A is not just something that you can just decide to get over. Like ok he did it and now I am over it. Reading your original post. I could have written those words myself. I just can't get over my Husband's A either, not yet anyhow. Perhaps one day I will, I just don't know how or where to begin.

I do know that if I left now that I would have regrets because I love him so much. That's another thing how can you/I still love the men who hurt us so deeply but can't get over the A?

I hope one day you find a way to heal yourself.

needtoheal

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you feel this way?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1.) I love him very much. Aside from the A, he possesses all the qualities that I admire and have looked for in a man.

2.) I made a commitment to him and to God.

3.) He fears abandonment. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. I would rather things be difficult for me than to have him hurt. I very much want to protect him.

4.) As a result of everything I have learned from MB, healing my marriage seems like what I am "supposed" to do and I have a strong desire to do the right thing.

5.) My children would be devastated if we were to split up. To my children, Patriot represents stability. He's taught my daughter to believe in men again. My son thinks he hung the moon and stars.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where are you with this?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As far as working hard on myself and my marriage? Not very far, apparently. Most of the time I make feeble attempts between bouts of pain and anger and lashing out at him. I am sometimes surprised at some of the ugly things that come out of my mouth.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where is your husband? (Stopping A is an excellent sign!)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know. He does try hard. He seems to respect my boundaries. He has tried to honor just about every request I've made. He spends a lot of time with me. He even set up a "date night". He has displayed an enormous amount of patience with me, something that hasn't come easily to him in the past. He remains steadfast and hopeful even when I give up. I try to chip away at his hope sometimes because I feel hopeless and if he is going to leave me because I can't heal, I'd rather him just do it now. When he does have times of hopelessness I feel horrible and lost. Lately he has been this way a lot. I push him away and he goes away. Then I feel sad and lonely and rejected and very, very lost. I really do need his strength. I don't know why I try to chip it away. Maybe I am testing it to see how strong it is before I rely on it.