<small>[ February 10, 2005, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: JK57 ]</small>

HI JK.

I am sorry you find yourself in that sad situation, but this is a GREAT place for help !
I have no personal experience of cyber in internet affairs, but I know there are folks here who do have knowledge and experience of it.

Be patient and someone will drop by with more experience to help you.

In the mean time I suggest you study teh concepts of marriage building in the articules that accompany this forum. They give wonderful insight to the background of infidelity and how to deal with it.

All blessings.

JK,
Sorry to bring bad news, but your W is most probably lying about the frequency and content of her cyber sex. Did you expect her to say it she was doing it for months? She will tell you what she thinks you want to hear and what helps her save the most face.

I get the impression from your post that even if your W was not having cybersex with a OM that her "role-play" was something you find distasteful. Perhaps this is a fantasy for her, or even something she likes. Perhaps you have shared your dislike for this type of play in the past ... which left her uncomfortable sharing it with you. She felt rejection or ridicule my occur.

She may however be suffering from something else. Lots of times the type of play you describe is not really related to sex , ... but to other needs.

Either way, it is not healthy for her, or the M for her to continue this Cyber play. It will most likely escalate.

Good luck.

Anyway, do more reading.

What you're describing is a Sub and Dom thing....I don't know too many people who find that tasteful, but some like it.

Spinning is right, she might be afraid to approach this subject with you, and by your reaction to seeing it, maybe rightly so. Maybe you could research it a little, see what it's about, and maybe better understand it.

I don't encourage you to do anything that you are uncomfortable with, but it's definitely something that you and your wife have to work out, no matter how "embarrassed" she is.

-Caren

jk57,,,

as with anyone else the only person you can change is yourself..

AND the only persons' actions "we" the collective can have any impact on are yours...since you are the poster and your spouse is not...

your post if full of things are your wife's actions and responses....and little about you...

I had difficulties with my inlaws and at occassions during our smaller fights I could not control her parents problems behind and gave it to her.

I don't understand this sentence..

what difficulties did YOU have with your inlaws...and what do you mean by controling her parents...?

My wife has been short tempered and hardly discussed her emotional problems with me. But when ever she discussed her requirements with me, I gave her all the support i.e. having a child, quitting job, financially never had a problem.

what lead you to have a child with someone who is short tempered....

I had a big problem with her parents recently and I told her that we should separate,

why would you send your wife and son away if you had a problem with HER parents....??

what was the terms...length of time of seperation...
was it to be permanent....

the more information you can give of the big picture...the more people can relate and help you with each issue...

this global post of problems with her parents so I asked her to leave...doesn't make sense...

ARK

JK,

Sorry you find yourself here. You have to deal with two issues here.

One is your W's sexual fantasies, talk to a doctor and ask him/her if the meds your wife is taking can cause them. Then think is it the degrading nature of the fantasie that is really bothering you or just the fact that there was an OM in them and not you? When I was snooping around my WW stuff one day I found a vibrator, hand cuffs and a spanker. I was shocked. She never, ever mentioned that she wanted to use any kind of toy too me. But, IMO, there is nothing really bad about it. So after throwing that stuff away I went and got her new toys. We haven't used them but I just wanted her to know that ít's ok with me. I just didn't like the others because they were not ment to be used with me.

The second issue is much more serious. You wife is/was having an A. Since you didn't find anything else in the PC but this chat sesion they were communicating in some other way. If you want to find out more you can ask the phone company for phone records and also you can ask the credit card company for detailed descriptions of the things she paid while she was away. You say you want to believe her, all BS want to, but we just can't. WS lie to protect themselves, don't get angry at her for not telling you the truth now. If you want keep looking for more proofs but be prepared for what you might find.

Good luck!

SM.

EDIT: Listen to ark^^, makes very good points.

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 07:46 AM: Message edited by: sadman28 ]</small>

I am not sure I fully understood your description. But as I read what you wrote: In the record she willingly was humiliated and treated like a slave. And she played her part as well.

This could have been just a game. Obviously this game was hurtful to you since she shared her person and perhaps her sexuality with others. But this game could be without deep roots in her person.

On the other hand: There are people whose sexual and personal "profile" includes a deep wish to be degraded and humiliated and even given pain. As crazy as it sounds occasional subjection to degrading can be a kind of an EN to some.

If this is the case with your wife, your respectful lovemaking may have left her rather unfulfilled in the SF department. And if you are always respectful to her in your day to day interactions this can be also in the end be unfulfilling to her.
She may be ashamed of this orientation, and not dare to reveal it to you.
I suggest you provide a safe environment and ask her about this. Show yourself to be open minded and accepting.

The obvious solution, that you go along and try to play according to her rules, may not be quite successful. If you love her and respect her it may be difficult for you to play convincingly. I would suggest MC with an expert. I suppose you can also educate yourself for the role.

If I misunderstood I am sorry!