WW is having an EA. I suspected it 10/04 and have been gathering info ever since. Sunday I was able to get onto WW secrect email and found out quite a bit. WW has never met OM, however it appears she is trying to. When confronted with email copies she said the only reason she has not met him is that she is married. We have been separated for nearly a month now. See her almost every day. Hug, Kiss and talk on a regular basis, SF also. She says that SF is the only thing we have? I feel that I should continue as much contact as possible but sometimes I feel like I'm being used. I get "I don't love you anymore" and "I don't want to hurt you" and "You don't deserve this" kind of feedback. Any advice out there.

Foglight,

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but am glad you found this place.

Start by reading Basic Concepts on this site.

Then follow the advice given, Post here & we will help you.

God Bless You

Hosea

Thanks Hosea, I have the love busters book and the his needs her needs book I have read them both and have begun to use everything I have learned. She still is in contact with OP and I can't seem to get her to stop. I know its just a matter of time before they meet. I have begun to write a plan B letter and plan on giving it to her next week but since we have a 12 child who spend one week with me and the next with her we will at a minimum have to at least drop the child off at each others residence. Still don't know if its too soon for plan B. any advice?

Deleted

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 05:41 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

The system double posted.

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 04:41 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Deleted

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 05:43 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Foglight, I don't know how it happened, but I have mixed up all my previous posts while I tried to edit it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , so let me try again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (I’ve deleted my previous posts and put it all in this combined post):

How long have you been in plan A? The reason I’m asking is because it’s necessary for the BS to follow a very good and effective plan A before moving on to plan B. Most recommend a period of 6 months, but of course it’s a very individual thing and depends from situation to situation and from person to person… It also depends on how much the BS can handle and endure. Plan B is also to prevent the BS from falling totally out of love with the WS. The main purpose of plan A is to make the BS as attractive as possible to the WS before moving on to plan B (ending all contact with the WS). During plan B the WS will start to miss the BS and get in withdrawal from the BS.

Another thing… Have you exposed the A to OM’s W yet? Is the OM married? Exposure is a very effective tool in trying to end the A. The first person to expose to must be the OP’s spouse. If contact doesn’t end, you can continue exposing to the parents, close friends etc.

Foglight, here is good guideline to follow on exposure (it was originally posted by Star*fish: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exposure is one of the strongest and most necessary parts of ending affairs....especially when NC cannot be established or affairs have become entrenched. The right time to do it is Plan A. Why? Because in Plan B....it is viewed far more as revenge, sour grapes and simply vindictive. When you are actively trying to save your marriage is when you should expose.

The model of exposure I like best is done in steps. Because exposure is so traumatic...and can cause huge withdrawals...do the exposure that is necessary. Is the OM married...if so...then exposure begins with his wife. Wat and I recently discussed this....he called it a model of concentric circles:

At the center is the WS....they are the first to be told what you know and how you know it. Just outside of that circle is the other BS (if there is one). Together...they are the first line of defense against no contact. If contact ends....exposure goes no farther. If contact continues after it has been revealed to them....close family (parents, siblings on both sides) plus a trusted pastor or priest... are the next circle. If contact ends...it goes no further. If contact resumes, close friends/neighbors who are also friends of the marriage would be informed. If contact still continues....the last circle are work and church.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 05:48 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Other man is not married, but lives 1000 miles away. WW said once that he did not date married women, I guess OM just breaks up the marriage first?? WW still shows some affection towards me. I asked WW the other day if she ever thought see was ruining a good thing between us. She with tears in her eyes said yes. I think this is sincere because she rairly cries if at all. I can tell she is still on the fence, so to speak. WW invited me to dinner last night at a local resturant. We are starting a excercise program tonight at the YMCA as a family. Is this typical behavior or just smoke???? I will continue exposure as recommended after this weekend. Thanks guys for the advice.

Suzet, we have been separated and working on plan A for 1 month. Since 10/04 So I haven't been working in it for very long. Can you suggest a stratagy for me??? I have seen some changes in WW. In the beginning she wouldn't let me even touch her. Now we hug, kiss, cuddle, go out, shop, SF you name it. I have stayed at her place many times up to 9pm before I get the go home signal. Thanks for your advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Is this typical behavior or just smoke????</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think her behavior is typical… Your W is addicted to OM (that’s why she can’t stop contact with OM) but at the same time she is aware of pain she cause you and she feels guilty about it. I think she have feelings for both you and the OM and now she is trying to keep both of you in her life. Of course this is cake-eating and can’t be endured forever! This is where plan A, plan B and exposure comes into effect.

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 06:26 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

foglight...
contact me on my personal email...
knowalibis@msn.com...please ,i think i might be able to help YOU...

knowalibis - email sent

reply sent from knowalibis.....

Foglight - good name. Hope it works - we've been looking for one of them 'round these parts for a LONG time.

Ditto Suzet.

"She still is in contact with OP and I can't seem to get her to stop."

You cannot make her end the affair. All you can do is indirectly compel her to end it. Plan A and exposure are intended to do this.

"Other man is not married, but lives 1000 miles away." Why do you believe either one of these claims? The "not married" claim is very likely false.

What are the legal arrangements for your "separation"? Have you agreed on financial things and custody ad hoc, or is it specified in a legally binding way? Are you supporting her or is she supporting herself?

Most importantly, what have you accomplished in your Plan A regarding YOUR prior behaviors and faults? What has been her reasons and excuses for leaving you?

I have his address, cell phone, home phone and email address. So I know the distance for sure.
Separation is by mutual agreement only not legal. We support ourselves and split the child expenses.
I am reading LB and HNHN. My main issues were not showing affection and conversation etc. How can I find out for sure if OM is married or not. OM lives in Houston. I left because WW wanted to separate to see if she wants to divorce me. So I got a rental home. Have been there 1 month but seem to be at her place quite often, I am invited by the way. Also I know for a fact WW and OM have never been together, yet anyway.

First order of business (revised): move back home TODAY.

Do not announce this, do not ask to do this, just do it. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

Go directly home. Screw the rent.

Got it?

NO EXCUSES!! No mamby pamby about making her mad, pissing her off, changing your mind after you agreed.

Will it piss her off? You bet. Is this a love buster? You bet.

Just be calm when she confronts you about it and state that you (we) "cannot make our marriage better while separated and it's not good for our child." Do not argue with her about it. Stay calm.

WAT

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

But, but, but........... Can she have me thrown out???

Just wanted to say I love the name...Foglight is PERFECT!!!!!!

That is very strong advice. Does anyone else think the same way, that I should move back in....

Foglight, great name!

I'm pretty doubtful she can throw you out. Your don't have a legal separation. That's good. Is your name on the lease or mortgage for the place she's staying? If so, your in. I think.

More importantly, I have a feeling she's not going to go to any legal extreme to get you out once your there. She may be mad and may even threaten you. She is in a much better place than a lot of WS's I've heard of here.

As for what to do...PLAN A. If you haven't read Surviving an Affair, do so immediately.

Move back home. No relationship talk. Be happy and loving yet a little independant. Enjoy your child. Get on the floor and play. Get some board games and play as a family. Be goofy with your child...and your wife. Draw your wife into interaction with you and your child as a family.

During this time work on being the dad and husband you want to be. You can't change the past and your marrige should never be the same again. Change it starting today.

There is no way you should be living apart if possible though. She wanted to separate to see if she wants to divorce you??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Get your behind back there so you can make her see why see wants to stay married to you!!!

It's easier and easier every day to fall a little more into the A. I saw my WH do it. Get her off that fence as soon as possible. You've probably just scrubbed the surface of Plan A, my friend. To be effective, you'll probably need to do it longer.

Read up on it. Read Ark's Lighthouse thread and WAT's exposure thread and the basics of plan A.

You've found a great place here at MB.

Best of luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />