Foglight, my advice is as follows:

Tell your W calmly and lovingly that you have NO intention to get a divorce and to go the lawyers or paralegal. Tell her that you want to safe your M and that she must give you a chance to work on it and a chance to show her how serious you is before she take such a drastic step as divorce… Ask her to give it at least a certain period before she makes a final decision on this. And then follow WAT’s advice and contact Steve Harley ASAP.

IF your W pushes it and want to separate from you, then allow her to live separately from you (she can move out) and again, ask her to give it a certain period of separate living before she makes a final decision about divorce. Then you can move to plan B and cut off all contact with her. It will be better to move to plan B before your W carry through with her divorce plans. Foglight, it’s important to get time on your side. IF your W moves out, then you have to stick to plan B and not allow ANY contact with your W until she finally made up her mind. You can’t allow things to go back as it was before e.g. your W living separately from you and have her needs met by two men. Hopefully, if you need to move to plan B, she will get into withdrawal from you and start realizing how much she misses you in her life. This is the main purpose of plan B.

However, I agree with freefromlies that your W is probably bluffing, just angry and trying to test you.

Suzet

House is in both our names and we own it, almost paid for (she wants to keep it and give me 50% of appraised value) Vehicles paid for. We each have our own exclusive bank accounts as well as a joint account. We each have 401K accounts. We each have our own exclusive savings accounts. There are only a couple of credit cards we have together with very minimal balances. Thats it in a nut shell. She is currently paying all bills associated with the home. Thats it in a nut shell.

OK, with some separate liquid accounts, she can't clean you out, but keep an eye on the joint credit cards. Consider limiting your contribution to the joint checking account to absolutely necessary expenditures.

This is intuitive - do what you think you need to do to limit your financial exposure for the time being. DO NOT underestimate the rationalizing ability of a WS in defiance mode.

WAT

worthatry - I have to say that the advice I'm being given is putting her into a rage. I really think she will get a lawyer if I follow through with the I don't want a divorce line. She is really comming apart like I have never seen before. Our DS12 is really taking this hard as well. I originally told WW that she could have house and pay me 50% of value before I moved out. She is holding me to that as of last night.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
worthatry - I have to say that the advice I'm being given is putting her into a rage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's GOOD!

In order to introduce reality into your WW's affair dream .... you need to create a crisis FOR HER.

You cannot adopt her panic and rage right now. Do not cloak yourself in her emotional rolleroaster.

Keep your eye on the prize.

Ending the "wonderfulness" of her affair dream ... and blowing the light of reality into her foggy brain.

Your task is to make her UNcomfortable with her choices by allowing her to feel the consequences of her choices.

GOOD! She is not happy experiencing the reality of what divorcing you will mean. She needs to be unhappy .... which for her, translates into blaming you and becoming enraged.... so be it!

Good job!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really think she will get a lawyer if I follow through with the I don't want a divorce line.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can only guess at what she might do.

She wants you to lie down in the road and allow her to steamroll over you with her desire for a quick divorce where she gets exactly what she wants with no regard for what you desire.

Disappointing her in this regard is your duty! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is really comming apart like I have never seen before.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good! She is feeling the reality of her consequences.

She will get worse before she gets better.

Turn off your desire to please her in ways that calm her down but enable her to ruin the family's chances for recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Our DS12 is really taking this hard as well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And, tell him you are fighting to keep the family together.

Tell him you will sit and listen to his concerns whenever he feels he would like to talk.

Take him out for alone time ... and just be there with him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I originally told WW that she could have house and pay me 50% of value before I moved out. She is holding me to that as of last night.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tell her you will do that if she stands by her vows to you made on your wedding day.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> worthatry - I have to say that the advice I'm being given is putting her into a rage. I really think she will get a lawyer if I follow through with the I don't want a divorce line. She is really comming apart like I have never seen before. Our DS12 is really taking this hard as well. I originally told WW that she could have house and pay me 50% of value before I moved out. She is holding me to that as of last night. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you SIGN an agreement on the house?

You do realize that she is the one breaking her word.

She has broken her marriage vows.

She NEVER INTENDED to resolve your marital problems. In fact, she very likely INTENDED to take half your house and live in it with the other man. Your separation was CONTRIVED.

I am hoping that you already understand this.

What you are doing is TAKING BACK GROUND that you lost. Of course she will be mad. She is also learning to take you seriously, something for which she has NOT done in a long while.

Don't lose sight of what you are doing. You are FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. You are doing this because you love this temporarily strange woman and your child. You are doing it because in your guts, you know it is the right thing to do.

Lose the panic. Do it now. Get your wits about you. You are in this battle for the long haul. The goal is to win your family back. Metaphorically speaking, you simply can NOT expect to get through all this with out a bloody nose.

Please keep us posted.
Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>She is really comming apart like I have never seen before.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right on schedule.

What do you want to do?

Do you want a divorce? If so, you don't need our advice.

If you don't want a divorce, tell her you changed you mind about the house, etc., and you will not cooperate with a divorce at this time.

Let her "come apart." She needs it.

WAT

Foglight, to reiterate what the others are saying, you are doing the right thing.

If you think your DD is having a hard time, wait and see how hard it is for her when your WW starts having her boyfriend over to the home that your DD lives in.

You are the stable one right now, your daughter needs to be with you in your home so that some symblance of security/sameness remains.

I could tell you all the stupid mistakes I made with my DD's dad out of fairness to him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So he wouldn't get mad, so he would be my friend. I even ended up giving him 50/50 custody, and now his new wife wants to take my daughter completely away from me. If she gets her way I will fall off the face of the earth and him, her and my DD will be her happy little family.

You must stay in your home and be the strong, stable one. Everything that is happening now is good.

And as Gimble says, your WW is seeing a whole new you. A strong assured you, and this will be attractive to her in the long run.

FogLight.

An additional consideration.

Do not tell your wife that you have people coaching you (giving advice).

Do not tell her about the Marriage Builders website. You can do that later when your relationship is in recovery. For now, all your sources are secret.

A good soldier does not give away his intelligence resources.

All the best,
Gimble

I concur with Gimble.

additionally....

be suspicious if your WW suddenly becomes sooooooo sweet ....

if that happends .... look for a sneaky tactic she's tryin' to pull ....

Pep

FogLight - don't get Foggy on us.

I assume you can see that without exception, we are all saying the same things. We are all giving you the same advice.

How can we be so unified and consistent?

BECAUSE WE'VE EXPERIENCED IT OURSELVES!

WE'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE - OVER AND OVER!!!

If you consult with an infidelity professional, like Steve H., he'll say the very same things.

Go back and read what I told you before - you will become the scourge of the earth. I was right, right?

Nothing your wife is doing is surprising to us.

What OUGHT to be surprising to YOU is that she is ready to divorce you and be "happy" with a man SHE HAS NEVER MET!!!

How much sense does that make?

You have to be the sensible one for your wife and your child. Your wife is enraged at you - right now. She's a teenie bopper not getting her way. You're a Dad - did you give your child their way when he/she was 4, throwing a tantrum? I hope not. This is the same logic.

Hunker down and do what you know is right.

WAT

OK - Just came back from the army surplus store with a new flack jacket and the party store with a smiley face mask. I good to go - keep up the encouragement, I sure NEED IT. Oh by the way not a daughter, we have a son, but it shouldn't make a difference.

Good job "Foggy!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For what it's worth, you seem to be "normal."

By that I mean that you seem to be going through the "normal" emotions, self doubt, confusion, etc. that we see in practically all BSs. Take some comfort in this.

You're used to dealing with a rational person and now you're dealing with someone who has seemed to change overnight. Same body, same voice, same handwriting - different brain. The original brain has been scrambled by the aliens on the Mothership. Do you have a better explanation? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WAT

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

My future is so bright I need to wear shades.

You're cooler than a polar bear's behind!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep

OK friends time to go to the abode. I'm taking a deep breath and putting on my poker face. Wish me luck. If I have the opportunity I will post tonight. She will probably jump in the car and leave to consult OM like last night. "I'm here to fight for my marriage and this families survival in the face of this crisis".

Been home for about an hour. WW laying on couch - has not moved since I got home. Offered to fix her something to eat, got a no. Not much talk from her & she didn't bring up the lawyer or paralegal. I was out in the garage cleaning up 2 weeks of her messes. She came out and was getting into her car. I asked where she was going and got "It's none of your business" and watched her leave.

Beam her up, Scotty!

When she comes home, have the house looking good and you and son be doing something together.

Don't even ask her where she's been.

WAT

Yep, thats exactly what i have been doing

Last night got dirty looks and thats about it.
This morning I took a shower and moved some of her clothes and her car keys fell out. Took the opportunity to check out the car. In the trunk was two new seat cushions and napkins? The NASCAR races are today and that is what you would take because the seats are hard and they don't give out napkins because they get on the track. Also OM is a big NASCAR fan, so I guessing that is why she has today and tomorrow off. She was very "nice" this morning, unlike last night, GUESS THIS IS IT, THEY ARE FINALLY MEETING. Noticed she bought instant tanning lotion also. No talk whatsoever about lawyer or paralegal issue.