Well, a good snoop job and a fair conclusion. Shoulda taken the cushions out, or spread slow drying glue all over them? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This will be real interesting, but predictable.

Is her story still the "planting flowers" one? Is the race during the day today? Perhaps you should get off work and be home early so that you'll be there to see her "flowers". When she comes home you calmly ask her how her day was and what she did? What about the flowers?

She will not tell you the truth and you shouldn't press her for it. Afterall, you may be wrong about the race and OM. Not likely, but possible. The bottom line is that you have a good suspicion of what she's doing and she WILL NOT admit it - so short of having positive proof of her activities, e.g., photos from a PI, it's only a love buster to corner her. Even WITH photos from a PI, it's a love buster and her rage would just grow. You would have "invaded her privacy." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

That said, you SHOULD calmly communicate to her that you feel disrespected and you feel her behavior is harming your family. Use the "I feel..." phrases rather than "You did this..." or "You are causing that..." See the difference?

We know how painful this is. We really do.

The good news is that it's just as likely that they will meet and - guess what? - he WON'T walk on water! Wow. Imagine that. What a disappointment. Given his impressive "profile" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> it's hard to believe he will be able to stay atop her pedestal for long without some lies being revealed. This doesn't mean she'll see them, or care. This is not about him - it's all about the way he makes her feel. It can't last, so bide your time and stay atop your moral highground.

Keep your chin up. Time is on your side.

WAT

This is killing me, I am ready to break down big time. I just don't know if I can forgive her if this takes place. I just don't know.

We know, man. Been there.

When others were telling me the world wasn't ending and the sun would still come up tomorrow, I didn't believe it, either. Here I am telling you the same thing.

You have a HUGE advantage here over her. You have knowledge of the affair disease. It's a very consistent disease, highly treatable, with an excellent cure rate. She, however, believes she is unique and her situation is unique. Nothing compares to what she's feeling. She's special. Your advantage is knowing she is just like all the rest of the affairees and you have the book on her.

If you feel like you can't cope right now, go see a doc about depression. You are a prime candidate just like all the other BSs. I was diagnosed with serious depression and was put on two drugs. Worked wonders. Several months later my shrink told me she almost had me admitted to the hospital the first moment she laid eyes on me.

This is vital - you won't be able to be as effective in your Plan A and in caring for your son if you're incapacitated by depression.

WAT

Been on Lexapro for sometime now, it does work well and have zanex for special circumstances if needed. Just expressing feelings to get them off my chest. She just called and wanted to know why I was acting so strange. She asked if I was serving divorce papers on her today since I asked if she would be available for me to call if I needed to. I expressed my thoughts of her going to the races w/OM and she said yes they were - silence - then I said are you really?. Then she said no. I told her I had not been to a lawyer. Short call to the point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>She asked if I was serving divorce papers on her today since I asked if she would be available for me to call if I needed to.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any time she asks this, your reply should be, "I have no intention of getting a divorce."

Have you not told her you have no intention of getting a divorce? Look her in the eye and say it again, followed by, "I love you."

Typical female, huh? No means yes and yes means no. Just a joke, ladies!!!

WAT

No I've not told her this but I will when I get home tonight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> This is killing me, I am ready to break down big time. I just don't know if I can forgive her if this takes place. I just don't know. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Fog.

I am sorry for your pain. It really sucks.

Look at the facts. If you were still off at your apartment, you wouldn't know what is going on, and your wife would be steadily killing you marriage.

The big difference is that you would be waking up one morning, maybe even happy about the day, only to be served with divorce papers. Totally blind-sided.

At least this way, painful as it may be, you are actually in the battle. You have a chance - a damn good chance, but you have to keep it together for now.

You can cry later. There is too much to be done for now. You have to be strong for your son. He is going to need you no matter WHAT happens. You have to be strong for your marriage.

Now. Is there anyway you can take off work so that you can be home with your wife and potentially spoil her plans?

Gimble

Possibly I can but, I am a one man show at work and really she could already be gone, also there is tomorrow she has that off too.

worthatry I'm going to take a long lunch a go by the house if I tell her what you said::

Any time she asks this, your reply should be, "I have no intention of getting a divorce."

Have you not told her you have no intention of getting a divorce? Look her in the eye and say it again, followed by, "I love you."

And her reply is that she's going to get a lawyer what could I use for a reply

Sorry I ment Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> Possibly I can but, I am a one man show at work and really she could already be gone, also there is tomorrow she has that off too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay. You won't be able to watch her all the time. That is understood. Like WAT mentioned about 'glue on the cushions', there is nothing wrong with not facilitating the affair. I know that is obvious to you, but 'not facilitating' can also include items like scheduling car maintenance at times when you know she has planned to see the other man. Are you following me here?

Quote:
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She just called and wanted to know why I was acting so strange. She asked if I was serving divorce papers on her today since I asked if she would be available for me to call if I needed to. I expressed my thoughts of her going to the races w/OM and she said yes they were - silence - then I said are you really?. Then she said no. I told her I had not been to a lawyer. Short call to the point.
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She is checking you out because she is lying. She needs to take your 'suspicion temperature' and see if she is actually pulling the wool over your eyes. When you directly asked her about the races, and she eventually replied no, it is very likely that she lied because of your reaction to the truth.

So, next time you are going to directly confront her about the other man - going to the races in this case, then go ahead and tell her that her actions are hurting you, the marriage and your son. This is true. Truth is sometimes painful. When you speak the truth to her, I am NOT talking about unsubstantiated accusations, but truth, it is going to stick to her like glue. She may not do anything about it, but stick to her it will.

"Wife, if you spend the day with the other man, you are hurting me, our son (use his name here) and our marriage. Please stop."

Make sure you are calm, cool and that you do NOT REACT to her reaction, which will be to deny or make it your fault in some way.

Repeat to yourself. "The truth never returns void".

Speaking the truth in kindness, not beating someone up with it, but as a matter of course, is not a love buster.

All the best,
Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>And her reply is that she's going to get a lawyer what could I use for a reply </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Instead of getting a lwayer, we should be getting a Marriage Counselor. A lawyer, like divorce, will not solve our problems."

(She follows with some ranting and raving.)

"I understand your concern. I am ready to work on our family problems when you are - in fact, I already am."

WAT

I tried called WW several times at around 11, home and cell phone just rang, no answer. So I jumped in the car and drove home in about 20 min. In route her cell phone went directly to vm so I just knew they were together. To my surprise she was at home. She meet me, she was on the phone a asked what I was doing there. She told who ever she was on the phone with that she would call them back, pretty sure it was OM. Well she said what were we going to do about the divorce. I told her that I didn’t want a divorce and that I loved her and I was here to save our marriage. She said well I don’t love you and I can’t go on like this. The conversation continued on for about 45 minutes. I threw everything at her that has been advised on this forum. I asked if someone was advising me and I said no, what I was doing is coming from my heart. I told her that OM was just saying what she wanted to hear and that once he got what he wanted he would drop her and that he was just going to use her. She said that even if it wasn’t for him she couldn’t go on in this marriage. I asked again if they were going to the races anytime over the next 3 days (races every day until the Daytona 500 Sunday) she asked why I thought that and I said I just have a feeling. She said what if she was what was I going to do about it, follow her. I said I didn’t know what I would do. I told her that if she cut off communication with OM that she would begin to come back to the real world. She said she didn’t think she could. She also said that she didn’t think they would ever meet. I told her that I loved her more than anything in this world and that I now have the tools to build our marriage in to something great. Most of the talking was done by me. I told her that this marriage and this family deserved another chance. I got hardly any response from her. Still think they are going to meet. What now??

Should I follow her if she takes off to meet OM and I think that is what she is doing. Also should I take DS12 w/me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> Should I follow her if she takes off to meet OM and I think that is what she is doing. Also should I take DS12 w/me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't involve your son in this.

Calm down. You can only control what has been given to you. You can NOT control your wife or her actions. She is responsible for what she is doing.

I am not saying that you can't find out what she is doing. I AM saying that you can't make solid decisions in your current frame of mind. Get it under control, and work your plan.

Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> What now?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You work on you. Work on your plan. You have something that she doesn't. You have information that she doesn't. You have resources that she doesn't.

Get a firm clear plan in your head that you can recite to yourself forward and backward.

Do make sure that anytime you remind her of how what she is doing is hurting, don't just say "family", say specifically who is affected (example) "Your seeing the other man is hurting Me, Bobby (whatever your sons name is) and you. If is also destroying our marriage."

Truth is your weapon of choice. Use it.

Gimble

So don't try to follow her or interfere if she goes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> So don't try to follow her or interfere if she goes. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are you going to find out? You already know she has another man.

You have proof.

If you follow her, she is going to make claims about your stalking her.

Having said all that, I can not tell you what to do on this matter.

I don't think you should follow her, but I am telling you, on this one, you will have to make your own decision.

Let me know.

Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> So don't try to follow her or interfere if she goes. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you feel CERTAIN that she is going to the races with the other man, then you can say;

"Your going to the races with the other man is hurting Me, Bobby (whatever your sons name is) and you. It is also hurting our marriage. Please don't do this."

Normal rules apply.

Gimble

Understood, I don't think following and trying to catch then would be a good idea. I think I couldn't resist putting a few choice knots on OM's head.