Hang in there, Foglight! We are pulling for ya! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Foglight,

Maybe it will help if you specifically read pages 7 and 8 of this thread again – just to help giving you some extra hope and strength again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You’ve received some excellent responses from Pep, Gimble, WAT and weaver on those pages and the feedback you’ve got from them is still applicable on your situation NOW. Also, if you haven’t done so yet, call Steve Harley to get some professional help and advice as well.

I agree that your W was/is probably just trying to manipulate/threaten you with her last e-mail.

Take care,
Suzet

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

ditto Suz, Mel and the others.

Calmly tell her that you still do not want a divorce and you would prefer that she not move out.

DO NOT MENTION OM!!!! We all know he's the catalyst for her current attitude. He's her "drug" of choice. She may, in fact, never meet him. But he makes her feel different and good and it's this feeling that she expects to be maintained if she gets away from you. All drug (dopamine) induced.

Try to conduct your home activities as if she is NOT leaving.

DO NOT let her attempt to move into your old apartment. If she is bound and determined to leave, she will have to make her own arrangements.

I am not familiar with the legal arrangements in Florida. I think I recall being described here by another poster that there is no legal separation. Please research this or consult your own attorney to be able to determine your next strategy if she follows thru on her threat to leave. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING without consulting an attorney. Consult us here in the meantime.

You are doing the exact right things. You are standing for your family. You are on the moral high ground.

What about counseling with Steve Harley?

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> Just in - the latest email -----

If you are not going to leave - then I am </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then let her go. DO NOT HELP, but let her move out.

More shortly.

Gmble

FogLight.

Listen to what WAT just told you.

Don't sign anything, don't agree to anything.

SHE IS PUSHING YOUR BUTTONS.

SHE KNEW YOU WOULD READ THE SPREADSHEET.

I WANT a Maserati, I have even priced one out.

What she wants you to do, is to fold. She doesn't think you have enough character to stand your ground.

Relax, you have to decide NOTHING right now.

You have to sign NOTHING.

You have to agree to NOTHING.

To reiterate WAT, don't let her in your apartment. Lose the lease, whatever it takes.

Are you going to let this conflict prove to her that you will give up? You do know that is part of the reason you are having this trouble, don't you?

I am not beating you up. Life is doing a fine job of it.

I want you to think about this. You give up when YOU do. Not because life is beating you about the head, or your situation is so uncomfortable, or you are in some pain, or it is all just so much trouble.

You made the right choice. Stand by your son - he needs a hero. His mom is useless to him right now. That means that you have do the right thing.

So. What are your plans?

Gimble

Gimble, WAT I am staying the course. I made a call to steve's office. I know you don't want to here this but right now I can't afford this. I have a 1 year lease on the rental and now WW has stopped paying house payment and utilities. I'm not sure how long savings will hold out with all this additional money going out.

In Florida you have to be at least physically separated before a divorce can be filed. I was out of the house for 1 week when WW wanted to see the paralegal and I shut that down when I took your advice to move back in.

No further contact with WW since her last emial, "If you won't leave - I will". I will continue with the advice you have given and I am on the verge of exposure to mother. Grandmother is in poor health and I am reluctant to disclose to her. I think mother will do that, she couldn't keep it to herself if she tried. Bless her heart.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gimble:
<strong>Stand by your son - he needs a hero. His mom is useless to him right now. That means that you have do the right thing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dern good advice.

Stand tall, puff your chest out, shoulders back.

Be the MAN!

Show your son what a real man is all about. Stand on principles and doing the right thing.

Often, greatness is not acquired - it is thrust upon you.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>WW has stopped paying house payment and utilities.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Huh?

What is your arrangement with her on stuff like this?

Did she stop because you moved back in?

WAT

When I moved out she began making house payments. Which was only one. Now that I have moved back in WW is refusing to pay. Whick I can handle for the short term. Hopfully the rental will be rented angain and I won't have to worry about it anymore. But who knows when another tennant will be found. I'm only obligated to pay the rent until someone else takes it.

You can't cancel the rental lease with reasonable notice? You have to wait forever until someone rents it?

Here's what you said before about your financial arrangements: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">House is in both our names and we own it, almost paid for (she wants to keep it and give me 50% of appraised value) Vehicles paid for. We each have our own exclusive bank accounts as well as a joint account. We each have 401K accounts. We each have our own exclusive savings accounts. There are only a couple of credit cards we have together with very minimal balances. Thats it in a nut shell. She is currently paying all bills associated with the home. Thats it in a nut shell.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, you can't NOT keep up the payments (home and utilities) even though she's being anal about it all. If a payment has been due that she refused to pay, clean out the joint account and close it on the basis that she has legal obligations and doesn't appear to intend to meet them. You had to clean out the acount to protect your and your son's living arrangements. Cancel the joint credit cards on the same basis. Before cancelling the cards, it's reasonable to inform her that you intend to do this.

Before taking any of these actions, wait and see what others here think.

Others??

When I was in your sitch, I stopped additional 401 contributions. Needed the cash flow. Consider this. It's easy to start back up once a new equilibrium is established.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>
Others??
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely protect your finances!!!!

FogLight.

For the foreseeable future, you have to consider the woman you love, untrustworthy. You are going to view her this way for two reasons.

1) She is cheating. All cheaters are liars. You can't have one without the other.

2) She has lost some of her moral restraints.

This is why you can not trust her with your money. You can not trust her with anything that is important to you.

I am not judging your wife. Her current actions are due to her bad decisions. Bad decisions have consequences. She is beginning to suffer from those decisions.

A wayward spouse will blame anything and everything for their inherent discomfort with their own actions, EXCEPT for the actual cause.

Gimble

Good Morning MB friends, WW came home last night, late and I was moving in more items from the rental house. No comment from WW about what I was doing at all. WW & DS12 went to YMCA to work out, I was not invited but I didn’t expect to be. When they got home I noticed after a while they didn’t come in. I went out into the garage and the car was gone, DS12 came walking down the road and I asked him what was going on. He was in a rage and said that WW had went out to the car before he was finished with his workout and that he had followed her out to the car without her knowledge. He watched her IM OM on her cell phone he said he saw OM’s name and Love and You before she saw him. They had a pretty big blowout and she stated to him that we were definitely getting a divorce. DS12 also said WW said that I was showing off being a good dad with him, wow imagine that! When they got home she let him out to go in and took off. She came back about an hour later. Now I just want you all to know that I do not encourage or condone this behavior from him and I told him not to ever do it again. I told him just to think of WW as an alien living in mom’s body and maybe she will come back some day. He was livid and when she got home he started in on her again. WW asked if he told me what went on and I said no. WW said that he would never go with him again.

The next morning not much was said between us and she left without saying goodbye to either of us. About 15 minutes later WW called and asked me to charge DS’s cell phone which I already had it on the charger. Also to make sure his homework was in his back pack, which I already did and (pause) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> thank you for cleaning my car. I said you are more than welcome and she said bye.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> No emails from WW this morning which is not typical of her current routine.

Your son has every right to be angry. He would be abnormal if he weren't mad. Please don't protect your W from his anger. It is justified anger. Your wife, on the other hand, is NOT justified in having an affair and wrecking his family.

Sounds like you handled it well. He will definitely need your support and guidance now.

Huge ditto to Mel.

Your son's reactions, while painful to him and you to experience, and sad to have to happen, are the direct result of your wife's behavior. Oh well.

Expect further accusations from her that you are manipulating your son, are pitting him against her, are lying to him to make her look bad, blah, blah, blah. You're the scourge of the earth, remember?

Keep "showing off." It's working. Be the man for your son. He needs you strong and to be right. Tell him that you are there for him.

WAT

MB Friends, I just got on a Florida Divorce Website and looked at the Q&A section. In Florida you can get a divorce without reason even if the spouse does not want one! 4 to 5 weeks uncontested and 4 to 6 months contested! Typically the spouse that gets custody of the child remains in the marital home! I am shocked beyond belief, now it's wait and see. I will continue plan A for now and hope she is bluffing.

FL - I think it's a good time to write a Plan A letter. Yep, you probably haven't heard of one, right?

A Plan A letter is pretty much the same as a Plan B letter - but without the "going dark" punchline.

Do you have a copy of SAA? Look at the Plan B letter in there and think of how you would adapt it for your sitch and without the Plan B going dark component.

WAT

This is indeed very shocking and unfair! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I’m holding thumbs for you FogLight and will keep you in my prayers… I hope your W is bluffing and will not carry through with her plans, but I was wondering… What do you think is your chances to get custody of your son and therefore have the right to stay in the house should your W carry through with her plans? Do you think there a chance (in your country) that your W’s A can count against her regarding this? If so, this can be of great advantage to you and can possibly help discourage your W continuing with her plans. I was just wondering about this...

Foglight,

Regarding your son, I think it is good he found out. Now there is something concrete to base his feelings on. Now it has a name, so to speak. Before where there was only confusion now there is truth. I am sorry that he is faced with this sitch, but very glad he now has the truth with which to deal with. When she becomes a FWS, recovery will include him so that he can lose his anger and forgive his mother.

She moves out, she leaves your son behind with you. Not that he would leave now with her anyway.

Stay srong Foglight, we are all routing for you and sending bullets of strength your way. What you are going through is very scary to say the least, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>WW asked if he told me what went on and I said no.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, he did tell you, right?

No need to hide this from your wife.

I think a better answer would have been, "Yes, he did tell me his concerns and the basis for his anger at you. I'm his father - that's what he expects of me - to listen to his problems."

Please practice calm honesty with your wife.

WAT

never mind, responces noted. Thanks

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: FogLight ]</small>