If I remember correctly,she had started up her contact with the OM again and then she left here.Not sure if any of you FWW's have heard.Just curious.I thought we were doing so well with her and she sounded confident,for a while.

O

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Hi O
This is my first visit to MB since mid January when I discovered the new info on the long term relationship between my W and her friend, the OM.

Mrs X as I recall never gave up contact with OM. She got so caught up in the MB boards that she lied to us all and told us that she had and that recovery was progressing.

She finally admitted the truth and left to apperently never return.

MrsX if you are out there I hope all is well.

Mac

mrsx here, new name as was suggested by Finally Learning a while back....

Get a cup of coffee this is gonna be long...

Hi. Octobergirl, I thought you hated me! LOL The last time you replied to me you were absolutely disgusted with my behavior and attitude and I can't say as I blame you. The fact that you asked about me is surprising and I am so grateful you can't imagine. I promised myself that I wouldn't post on MB until I could honestly say that there was NC with OMM and that I was actually in marital recovery.

Well I actually never left MB. All these months I have been lurking, keeping up with everyone's issues, learning and applying the knowledge into my own situation. As you know, the last time I posted here, I was still in the A. I had continued an EA with OMM from March of 2004. I finally instilled NC again in early November. OMM just totally drove me insane. He was playing games with my head, acting arrogant and destroying whatever good feelings I had for him and the relationship. During the months of the EA, I never stopped reading here at MB. I knew continuing an EA was wrong and honestly, 2004 was the low point of my life looking back now.

The withdrawal from OMM had been torture for me, absolute torture and fearing coming here, I turned to SYMC. The people there are exceptional. They got me through the worst part of withdrawl and never gave up on me even when I was practically suicidal. I can't be grateful enough to them for their understanding and patience. I didn't think I was going to make it. I tried so hard to not take it out on H but it was very hard with me being an emotional and physical wreck. H kinda got used to me being in this state since I was this way for well over a year, sad, depressed, apathetic towards him, etc. But the real withdrawal from OMM was the worst place I had ever been. I took 3 weeks off of work because of this.

On Christmas eve, I got an email from OMM. Short email basically saying how he missed me and his feeling would never go away. I just lost it. I emailed his wife (she still didn't know anything at that point, 1.5 yrs of her husband having an intense PA/EA) and told her her husband is a ****ing cheat. I wanted so bad to hurt OMM, I didn't contact her out of any concern for her well-being, I did it because he didn't respect my request of NC and when I heard from him it set me back soooo much, I just wanted to hurt him back. I never heard back from her and he emailed me and said she knows everything (which I tend to doubt) and he contacted me once again to tell me that even through all this, he still misses me like hell. I made the mistake of telling him that I miss him too, but having him in my life was too toxic and he just needs to get on with his life and leave me alone. He promised to do so, and that was early January. I haven't heard from him since.

H had no idea what was going on, I don't know what he must have thought all this time. I was the worst wife ever during the EA, I was so apathetic, so cold, so ungrateful. I had no desire for intimacy with H in any sense of the word. We were so far apart. H had grown to accept this and I didn't care if he was there or not. I had intended on eventually confessing the ongoing EA to H but I was in no rush to do it. Well OMM's contact put me in such a bad place that I knew if I didn't confess to H, that I would kill myself. Again, motivated by my own self-centered emotions, I dropped the bomb on D-Day 2, Christmas day. H was astounded, and simply said, "If you want out, go. take the cat, your clothes and stuff and go. It would be a shame, but I won't stop you. If you want him (OMM) then tell him to leave his wife and go with him." It's weird when this happens, when the BS gives you the go-ahead to pick up and leave, and you can see the hurt and anger in their eyes, because that is the only time you actually see what you are doing, how much of a mess you made, who you've hurt, and what type of person you have become. At that moment I cried real tears for the destruction that I caused. I hated OMM so much at that moment I wanted to choke him. I hated myself so much that I really wished I could die.

We got through the holidays somehow and in January, I made an appointment with my therapist and also a psychiatrist. I knew I really needed help in a big way if I was going to change myself. I was sooo weak, still in the fog of the A somewhat and just really depressed, angry, and all the other negative attributes that a WS aquires along the way. I knew that until I really change myself and my health and behavior and attitude, that no attempt at reconciling my M would work because I was so very sick.

I am bi-polar and was diagnosed 10 years ago. I was put on 2 meds back then that I was very scared to take.Neurontin and Zoloft. I started the drug therapy then, and the initial reaction that I got scared me and after a month I stopped. I saw a different doctor who put me on Paxil. I still to this day cannot say if Paxil actually did

a damn thing to help me, but I continued to take it for almost 10 years.

The first thing the new Psychiatrist did this January was prescribe 2 mood-stabilizers and get me off Paxil. From what I find out, if You are bi-polar, Paxil can actually exascerbate the mania. There is no denying that I have been

terribly manic for years, but I assumed it was manageable.

OK so after 10 days off Paxil, I went through terrible physical withdrawals. If you are interested in the torture of Paxil withdrawal, read this link: http://paxil.bizland.com/jbuzzw.htm. I have to say taht if it wasn't for H supporting me through this I surely without a doubt would have committed suicide from the physical withdrawals of

Paxil. It got to the point where after 14 days, I had to take a pill just to function. So what the shrink did was he gave me a script for Prozac to take one every five days to wean off of SSRI's. Prozac has a longer half-life so it's

easier to wean on it. Well that worked!!! It took a few weeks, and I have minimal withdrawal symptoms since my last dose of Prozac.

So now the mood-stabilizers are starting to work. I am still increasing the dosage slowly, but I already feel calmer. I am doing better at work, focusing and stuff, and H and I are getting along pretty well considering what we've both been going through.

We lost a very very close friend on Sunday. The day I met H 13 years ago, he was with this guy Joe. We have always been close, and I can't describe how much it hurt both of us to learn of his death. He was 34 years old and got sick

in 1999. He never got any better. We all watched him suffer for years. His family, his fiance', his friends, all helplessly watching this terrific man wither away and die. You know, even when you know it's gonna happen, you are never prepared to actually hear those words "Joe passed last night". H was a wreck the first few days, and I just

did my best to comfort him. I hugged him constantly, called him like 5 times a day from work to make sure he was ok, and cried with him. At the funeral we held each other up and comforted the family together.

OK so that's where I'm at right now. Due to my medication issues, and the death of our friend, we haven't actually started to address our M issues. We are getting along very well though.

There are stretches of time throughout each day that OMM is in my thoughts. Sometimes I obsess about him, I admit. It's been tough for me to let go of these feelings as the EA was very very intense and I am trying to push thoughts of him out of my mind the best I can. However, I am much more functional, I don't feel like I NEED him in my life. I am starting to get my old self back, only better because now I have a lot more tools to work with, and how I have grown the past 2 years I am much stronger right now. I can't say as I am terribly depressed over the loss Of OMM right now whereas less than 2 months ago I literally was suicidal. That's a big deal to me.

The best thing is that I am more than happy to be nice to H. I actually hear him when he speaks. I take him into consideration when I decide to do something. I think about him during the day. Believe me, these things are HUGE progress. When I was deep in the A, I never thought about H. Just acknowledging him and having feelings for him is huge progress for me. It may sound wretched but I'm sorry that's the truth. I looked at our wedding photo on my desk at work one day this week and cried my eyes out, I think because at that moment I saw the reality of what I have done.

So I have to admit I am terrified. I know that in order for our M to work, it's going to be with huge changes on my part and on H's part. I know we have our work cut out for us now and the rebuilding hasn't begun yet. This scares me so much because I don't want my M to be what it was pre-A. If it was up to H, that is exactly how it would be. He thinks that my poor judgement, lack of character, selfishness, and psychiatric issues are the cause of the disintegration of our marriage. OK, I am taking responsibility for the last 2 years, and what I have done to further destruct our M and worse, but I hope he realizes that not just me, but he needs to change also so that the conditions aren't the same in our M as they were pre-A. He doens't want to go to MC and that is going to be a big hurdle. I think he should go, but he doesn't think he can learn anything from MC. Anyway, I'll save this stuff for anohter post.

O and CWMAC thanks for thinking of me!

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: Not.Giving.Up ]</small>

When I talked to my WH OW and told her some of the things and ways WH had been treating me she was shocked. You see he always told her I was such a jerk when he was the jerk. She had no idea he was verbally abusive , not talking to me, no EN nothing she was set up by him. She heard negatives about me and did not hear the loving wonderful things I did daily for the idiot. She called my WH and told him off. Oh don't they make themselves seem so wonderful -yeah well live with them and you'll find out what you really get. Glad you are OK -it will get better

realtor*,

Thanks!

It's funny b/c I never met OMM's W and OMM never met my H. When OMM & I worked together, he used to come by my desk and see my wedding pic and he was angry and jealous and used to say to cut out H's face and put his there. I was like, "are you psychotic?". He would giggle, hehehe, and I rolled my eyes. <vomit> Although, I do admit at the time, I did wish it was OMM there and not H. </vomit>

OMM never said anything nice about his W except about how she maintained the house and was a good cook. Otherwise she was a uncaring, unfeeling, nagging pain in the butt and they had nothing in common. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I never ever said a bad thing about my H to OMM. EVER. I mean if H & I had a fight I might mention something to OMM but it was actually used as ammunition against my H by OMM. He never met my H but always had something negative to say about him. It got to the point where I actually started to believe the things OMM said about my H. Incidentally, this is what caused me to finally go NC with OMM. That coupled with his absolute arrogance and smug attitude. He was getting his needs filled by 2 women and loving it. I was so busy accommodating him that I never even cared if H was filling my needs and vise-versa. I never gave H the opportunity to even try, I completely shut him out. But when I would hear negative things about my H from OMM, who never even met my H, it hurt me very very much. Why I even continued to carry on an EA with him just shows my frame of mind at the time.

I know my H is a great guy. I bet that OMM's wife is equally great. OMM probably had to demonize her in order to justify his part in the A. Of course had to villify H to continue rationalizing having an A; but I did it internally b/c as contradictory as it sounds, I didn't want to "disrespect" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> my H by putting him down in front of OMM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: Not.Giving.Up ]</small>

Not-giving-up

You've had a high mountain to climb, that's for sure!

When you reach the top of your mountain ... stand up straight and take a long look around you ... and enjoy the view. You've earned it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One of our kids struggles with a mental health issue ... and I see a real hero emerging within him.

And I see a real heroine emerging within ~ YOU ~

yes, that's right, I said *heroine* ... and I mean it.

So, be ready to accept compliments gracefully. A weakness of so many people is to stumble and stammer when they receive a compliment, don't do that. When you get REAL compliments, take them in and embrace them.

OK? You got me?

with love,

Pep

Let me tell you men that cheat lie about everything- they rewrite history. I have found this out now and after all the loving yers we have had together now I do not know if I want him. I see him as someone I do not trust and not even sure I like him. He showed OW my picture and I do not know what she looks like. I know she is opposite of me -short brownish blonde and that is it. But who knows maybe she looks just like me. The 2Ow is young cute and a body build like a model, short again. I am taller and large framed big boobs and small hips. I have been told I am lanky. He always said he likes women with my shape-guess what he likes them all. I have been so stupid for so mnay years, naive, had blinders on. He is so smooth and a chamer -never saw him flirt until 2 years ago. I never flirt never knew how. I do not like it when he flirts so now I am learning to flirt. I can play his games and I am angry enough to do so. Need spell ck on here. So you see these people who cheat lie about themselves and their spouses. We had sex almost daily while he was with OW. I'm sure he said he wasn't being taken care of here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> Not-giving-up

You've had a high mountain to climb, that's for sure!

When you reach the top of your mountain ... stand up straight and take a long look around you ... and enjoy the view. You've earned it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One of our kids struggles with a mental health issue ... and I see a real hero emerging within him.

And I see a real heroine emerging within ~ YOU ~

yes, that's right, I said *heroine* ... and I mean it.

So, be ready to accept compliments gracefully. A weakness of so many people is to stumble and stammer when they receive a compliment, don't do that. When you get REAL compliments, take them in and embrace them.

OK? You got me?

with love,

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, Pep. Thank you!! That means a lot to me, coming from you. And I accept your compliments!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yes, it is a hell of a time getting through this and I'm only at the beginning. I just wish I knew where we will be 6 months from now, 1 year from now. There are so many issues that need to be addressed, I am soooo friggin scared!!

Thank you!

realtor*, I can only imagine!! It really sucks to think that OMM could have been this way, because then I have to really question my own character, why I would fall in love with someone like this, why I would allow myself to become as horrible a person.

Since I am only beginning my personal recovery, and while I am experiencing much clarity in my thinking, I still have several fog moments, and as much as OMM disgusts me when I think of him, sometimes I remember the good times we had together and I miss that. But he is becoming a stranger to me. I haven't seen him in person since sometime in October. I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 months, with the exception of the "exposure" contact during the holiday. So I am beginning to really detach. I just wish that certain situations, songs I hear on the radio didn't trigger me to think of him. I do my best to push him out of my mind, but it's still kind of a struggle. I do know that I will never go back there again. I would rather stick needles in my eyes than see or speak to OMM. I am really beginning to see the truth. I can recall a lot of instances when he was just a jerk. To me, to his wife, etc. I do my best to focus on that to keep me on the right path.

Hello NGU,

Thank you for your update.I don't remember what I said to you the last time you were here,without going back to review, but it's a struggle for me,all the time,to see people fail when I think they can do better.I think knowing you were still in contact with the OMM after leading us on was very difficult to hear.I am sorry if I was harsh at the time but I am not one to sugar coat and support bad behavior in any way.SYMC is more supportive in certain ways,I think, and I know many people feel better over there.That is ok.

I am also glad to hear the you have stopped contact with OMM again.I sincerely hope it lasts.Whether or not you stay with your H I sense more openess and honesty with yourself and some growth in the right direction.I hope this is the truth.However,I was sorry to hear that you didn't have concern for the W when telling her about the A.In my case,it hurts to know that there is someone out there that is doing and feeling these very same things to me,another woman on this Earth.Every time I let myself think about what my WH's homewrecker(HW) has helped do to me,our children and families I want to sob.But in the best interest of my sanity I don't go there.I can't.I will crumble.I am doing much better with letting my anger go regarding the HW but it's still hard for me.

I hope your H will realize soon that you are not the only one who needs to tend this marriage if it's to be saved.Not agreeing to counseling and and wanting to regress back to the Pre-A marriage is certain failure.Your H can be just as much a detriment to recovery with that attitude at this point.I can understand your fear.I would not want that either and I think most people here,at least as BS's intrinsically know this cannot be.

Anyway,I feel like I am rambling but I am glad you checked in.One day I hope you will feel safe enough to come back here and lend your knowledge and support being a *FWW.Until then,I do hope for the best outcome for you and your H.

O

O, you were very harsh with me, but it's not like you weren't telling the truth. I lied to everyone here for months and I'm ashamed of that. I don't know what I thought I would gain by lying, and after I read your reply and realized you were right, I decided I would post until I was sincere in my attempt at recovery and able to just be honest here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my case,it hurts to know that there is someone out there that is doing and feeling these very same things to me,another woman on this Earth.Every time I let myself think about what my WH's homewrecker(HW) has helped do to me,our children and families I want to sob.But in the best interest of my sanity I don't go there.I can't.I will crumble.I am doing much better with letting my anger go regarding the HW but it's still hard for me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have done a lot of things driven strictly by my selfish inconsiderate emotions, and at the time I truly didn't care about how this would affect OMM's W. I just wanted him to suffer. I didn't get too specific in my email to her, just basically said her husband is a rotten liar and cheater. I have no idea how she reacted to it. I don't know if she believed it or not. I can't say if OMM told her I was just some nutcase trying to mess with them. Right now I feel pretty crummy about emailing her, and reading what you wrote makes me see things from a BS's point of view and I'm sorry that I am so uncaring and inconsiderate. I really don't know how a BS really feels inside because I've never been one, and H isn't one to show his emotions. He broke down once, but immediately turned on the defense mechanism of intellect and rationale which is how he reacts to emotional situations. We never talk about the PA or the EA ever. H doesn't want to talk about it, so I really don't know how he feels. I can only imagine, and I guess I am starting to understand. I put him through hell, I know it and I really am so very sorry for doing it. I cry alot because of it. I am ashamed. I feel a lot of pain inside for the loss of what we had before I decided to go out and wreck everything. We didn't have the best M before the A, but at least we didn't have infidelity to make things worse. I really am truly absolutely sorry that I made such a horrible choice and continued to lie and hurt him over and over again. I'm also very sorry that what I said hurt you, and I will try to be more considerate of my H from now on and of other BS's feelings.

Still, thanks for pulling me out of lurkdom. I am still gonna stay and lurk and post any updates when I can.

Hi again,

I just wanted you to know that although I was saddened to hear about your "lack" of feeling toward the OMW,I still hope that you would post here.I don't want there to come a day where we all have to tippy toe around each other and filter everything we say.I know that many of us are so raw with pain but we should be able to express our feelings with some modicum of discretion,you know? There is no place for brutal and severe lashings here against anyone and we should respect one another as much as we can,etc but there really aren't many people who understand like those here.All this emotion has to come out and talking about it here unleashes it.

Your input is valuable for us so we can understand the things you go through but for me the limit is repeated contact and refusal to end the A.I can honestly say though that after a certain period,I have nothing helpful to say to someone who continues in the A.I will help anyone here,WS or BS alike, if they are truthful about taking the steps to stop the adultery/infidelity and/or save their marriage.

If there were one thing I would wish now for my WH,it would be to walk in my shoes.Like you said,not being a BS means you will never know how bad it was to be betrayed like this unless it happens to you.You have your own pain and confusion no doubt too and I can appreciate that but....but.

I am sorry to hear about your H's refusal to talk about this with you and seek counseling.It's not going to help anyone by sticking his head in the sand and not getting professional help.He has to take a chance.From the very beginning for me,I knew that I would forgive my WH for his A and I read so many books(Still do),sought counseling even when alone,talked to and helped people here,talked with family,bettered myself,was willing to face any "faults" I may have had that my WH perceived,did numerous quizes,even many on my own.

But,I do not have a H who is willing to give us a chance.And this,is just another painful and sad outcome for me.I never saw this Infidelity coming,I never got a chance to make things better,and now I am two steps away from a divorce.I've lost,three times over.And,I didn't deserve it,not one bit.Even my WH tells me this but he doesn't do a thing to change it. The homewrecker got her wish,she wanted my WH to leave me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway,I am glad you will stay with us.Please do.

O

O,

Again, thanks for your honesty. I'm really sad that you are going through what you are, and that your H never stopped to see what he was doing to you, and that you never got a chance. It sounds incredibly selfish of me to say I'm giving my H a chance, in reality, I'm not, he is giving ME a chance, not just a second chance, but a THIRD chance, and that says alot about the type of person he is.

In his defense, even though he sweeps the A under the carpet, or as you put it, buries his head under the sand, he is being wonderful to me. He is concerned about my mental health, my ups and downs, my well being. He is very very kind to me, and just today we had amazing, passionate sex. And I didn't think of that friggin OMM once the entire time. He is doing alot to fill my "love bank" and I see that and I am welcoming it and accepting it. I don't know how we are going to approach marital recovery, I guess right now we are both doing the best we can given our circumstances. I do hope that when we are both ready to tackle these issues, that he will at least go to MC just once and maybe he'll see that we really do need it.

I think that if I didn't find this Marriage Builders website a year and a half ago, I probably would be in the same place as your H. This site and SYMC has enabled me to see the reality of affairs, even when I was so so very deep in one myself. That is why I am with H, so thank you and everyone else here. And I really am grateful that you are still willing to hear me out and give me another chance, too.

T, just wanted to know I'm thinking of you. You've come a long way, baby.

So have I.

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ.:
<strong> T, just wanted to know I'm thinking of you. You've come a long way, baby.

So have I.

Jen </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Jen, and thanks! I have kept up with yourposts, and I must say I am very envious of where you are, and how well you are doing, and very happy for you and your H as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: Not.Giving.Up ]</small>

NGU,

I am very glad to hear that you and your H have made some propgress together.I didn't want you to think I was negating that.Not at all.I just hope that one day he will realize the need to take extra steps toward a full recovery.

Until then,it's great that you are enjoying each other when you can(especially the amazing sex!lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )Good for you both!

O

Hi Not.Giving.Up aka MrsX

I know it sounds strange but I've thought about you over the months and was hoping that things were getting better for you and H.

I rememmber that the lack of passionate SF was a biggie for you so it was great to see your comment above.

BTW, you can bet that OMM talked his way out of your e-mail to his wife. Probably went something like this...

"Ya know honey. I work with NGU and she has always flirted with me and pursued me and so I finally told her to lay off and she got angry and defensive. She must be a psycho beotch from H***."

When a BS is told "cold" or out of the blue, they really want to trust their cheating spouse. Now if she's always suspected it's a different story.

My W's OM talked his way out of my personal call to his W. She wanted to believe him so badly. I was the psycho H who was out to get him and had hated him for 20 years bc of his "special" friendship with my wife.

Just this past December I discovered that my W has had carried on a secret friendship/relationship with OM for our entire marriage (20yrs). Calling him at home and work at least 4 times a year. Many years was more often. This was doubly hard to take bc I had asked her near DDay2 questions about when the communication had. She said "out of the blue" a year before the A.

I'm struggling with rethinking the entire history of my marriage.

I guess the moral of the story to FWSs is to ALWAYS tell the truth. (I know it's nearly impossible for most.)

Mac

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

cwmac:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know it sounds strange but I've thought about you over the months and was hoping that things were getting better for you and H.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's very cool to hear! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I rememmber that the lack of passionate SF was a biggie for you so it was great to see your comment above.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, it's terrific! (and I hope it lasts!!) I think alot has to do with that I'm more into it, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> rememmber that the lack of passionate SF was a biggie for you so it was great to see your comment above.

BTW, you can bet that OMM talked his way out of your e-mail to his wife. Probably went something like this...

"Ya know honey. I work with NGU and she has always flirted with me and pursued me and so I finally told her to lay off and she got angry and defensive. She must be a psycho beotch from H***."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Yeah, I can't help but wonder, and to be perfectly honest right now, that would hurt, and I hope that one day I can say the opposite, that I don't give a rats a$$. Part of me doesn't but my ego and pride does. Kinda makes me feel like I risked so much for that?? ...vomit!... But I know he's a supreme liar, I caught him in a few lies when we were involved, so I don't doubt that he would continue to lie to save his a$$.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When a BS is told "cold" or out of the blue, they really want to trust their cheating spouse. Now if she's always suspected it's a different story. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He never said anything to me about her suspecting anything, but I really have no idea what is going on in their home. I haven't heard back from her and like I said, he hasn't contacted me again since he told me "she knows eveything" so who knows. I try not to think about it. It's not productive and besides, it would be too easy for me to start really obsessing about this, and I just mentally, emotionally, and physically can't do it. Just thinking about it right now has me very tense.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just this past December I discovered that my W has had carried on a secret friendship/relationship with OM for our entire marriage (20yrs). Calling him at home and work at least 4 times a year. Many years was more often. This was doubly hard to take bc I had asked her near DDay2 questions about when the communication had. She said "out of the blue" a year before the A.

I'm struggling with rethinking the entire history of my marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel so bad for you, cwmac. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> That really sucks! I know how hard you have worked at recovery and as a WW *I* feel guilty just reading this. Not that I have any advice to give, and I really wish I did. Just a hug for you!

Thanks for your thoughts, I really am sincere about giving this my best shot this time and not B.S.'ing everyone here.

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: Not.Giving.Up ]</small>

NGU,
I just reread a post thread from August and realized that you had posted to me. Guess I never saw it.

Thanks for the comment 7 months belated.

WARNING: THIS TURNED INTO A VENT

I'm really torn about my situation. On one hand things seem to be going well at least on the surface.

On the other hand...her behavior and attitude towards the secret friendship that was ongoing our entire marriage really bothers me.

When I raised the issue at a MC session she got angry and said that MC was a complete waste of time. "We just go over and over the same issues" Funny but I never had brought up her 20 year secret relationship with this guy b4! (Probably since I didn't know about it)

I asked her why she felt it was OK for her to have this secret relationship with a male friend knowing full well that I wouldn't approve. She said," we were just friends and that's it!"
She then stormed out and slammed the door leaving me and the MC to just look puzzled at each other.

The MC asked me what it would take to get over this. My answer is the same as it was 2.5 years ago: the truth. I cut the session short since MC doesn't work with just one person. We haven't been back since.

As I said above on a day to day basis things are fine if not great, but I worry that we'll slide back into the pre-A mode.

I guess I need to realize that I'm married to a emotionally shallow person who is afraid to talk about anything more deep than the weather or next vacation. Someone who sees the anger in others but can't possibly see it in herself.

Sigh

Mac

You know Mac? This really is a huge deal because your W is still not being honest with you even on the most basic level. That is a very big thing to hide from you and lie about. I know all about lies, believe me, as I did quite a bit of that...sigh...but 20 years is a long time...

Also, her getting angry at YOU for wanting to dig into and resolve this huge issue isn't very promising. This really is a big deal. And I just feel so bad that you have to deal with this. Again, as a WW, *I* feel guilty for your hurt and frustration. I know I put my H thru enough by lying for 2 years.

If my H asked me, i would tell him EVERYTHING he wanted to know, but he doesn't and I can't

help but wonder if taht is why I sometimes miss the OM. At least OM & I were intimate on a more emotional level. I wonder that if we talked more about it and expressed our feelings that I might forgive MYSELF more and have a easier time dealing with the issues of withdrawl, re-connecting with H, etc.. I often cry alone in the house when he's not home b/c of how lonely it feels.

I also cry to him taht I'm sorry I betrayed and hurt him, but we have NEVER gone deeper

than that in terms of discussing the A.

I wouldn't tell him everything b/c I want to hurt him, but because I think it might bring us

to a point where he would understand my EN's more and I his...