Hi Everyone,

I have mentioned before in another thread that I confronted my wife in August of 2004 with recorded phone tapes and it ended up that she was not going to see or talk to these guys again....

After coming back from our family holiday in Mexico i started to notice she was drawing back from me, i was starting to be happy again she was huggin and kissing and we started to feel close again but that last couple of weeks had open the gates of hell again... I have palced a phone recorder found the other mans voice again, she was meeting up with them when she goes out.....
this has nearly killed me that it was still going on and I feel i was played with and my kids in the middle.....
She is very heavy involve with the co-worker but she tells the OM2 she loves him but I dont catch them only by an email three weeks ago....

I been putting the recorder in her car everytime she goes out and it always hear her talking to him on her cell and they meet up in locations...
I have started to place a GPS in her car and found three location where they meet but so far not consistance place...
the hardest thing I had to hear was on last Sunday she said she was going to the mall and she ended up meeting the co-worker and having sex in her car where our children sit every day....
This mad me break down, i feel i am at the stage of loosing it and I am not sure how to handle it. I am sure thes guys are feeding her that she wont get caught and i have no proof....

I need help to figure out how to handle this, i am trying to get all the evidence I can and plan to confront her again but she will go balistic and try to start slapping and kicking which i cannot defend myself due to if she gets a mark on her even from pushing her away the police will take her side.

I was thinking to talk to my bestman and tell him whats goign on and maybe he can talk to his wife which is wifes ant (she is only 5 years older than wife) and knock some sense in her when this comes out so atleast if she goes wild they would be their....

I am really confused and depressed right know and not sure what to do, I am listening to each day recording and trying to put a happy face but it's hard when you go to kiss youe wife and she pulls back and no sex in weeks and she is having sex with the OM....

Please help me to guide me staight to what to do.
Thanks.

deeppain, I agree that you need to confront her and that you need to have someone there. I don't know that I agree that your friend and his W should be the ones to be there. Do you attend a church? Is there a pastor or a marriage counselor that could be present?

deeppain, sorry for your recent discovery.

I have one question for you though. Your DDAY is recently, why is your W allowed so much freedom to go out???? She should be proving herself trust worthy, yet you are saying she is going out and meeting these men.

I know I would be putting tight reigns on a WS if I was wearing those shoes.

My dday has almost been a year. I have fully committed to my H, and I have not been anywhere without him but 3 times since DDAY. At first I was smothered, but once I was over withdrawal and on my way to recover I realized I wanted to make my H as comfortable and happy as possible.

As a consequence to my infidelity, I have to prove he can trust me. I just can't see how going out and about by oneself can do this. I think it just creates opportunity for the WS to slip. There are so many struggles for her to get by, keep her close.

KY

Yikes! I can see this is miserable for you. It is probably best to confront her about this in a public place - you don't want to end up in jail.

I think I would tell people what is going on, BEFORE she gets a chance to tell everyone that you are crazy. That's what they usually do.

I am usually pretty pragmatic in my thinking when the mother of small children is acting so carelessly taking risks with her children's lives and their well-being.

So, here it is ... my advice.

All this done in secret.... until you have everything you need lined up.

Contact and retain a family attorney who is experienced helping FATHERS retain custody. Seek legal advice first.

Clear with the attorney to hire a PI to document your wife's infidelity and her doing this under the kid's noses. Try to get an estimate of how much time your wife is spending with her clandestine activities .... time stolen from the family.

Safeguard your finances. Document her spending.

Meanwhile you plan A and you play dumb. Do not let her know what you know. Get her relaxed enough to become more and more careless.

Then ... when you have documented proof of her infidelity from a not-emotionally-involved 3rd party .... and you have made your finances secure.... you spring the trap ... you get your attorney or your PI to go with you to witness as you Plan B her in person .... show her the proof ... and hand her the Plan B letter.

Play hard ball now.

Being nice is not working. Time to be strong and tough!

Well thought out decisive action is called for. Never confront your WW alone from now on. She absolutely cannot be trusted.

Pep

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

thanks everyone for your comments...

Yes, this is hell... especially that i heard them having sex in the car.....

I was thinking to get the others to know first before confronting my wife, i see it did not work with just me....
Yes, she would tell them i am crazy and have no proof. I was thinking to hire a PI to take photos for evidence since audio is not permitted...

I feel this time it has to be full exposure with her parents and family to put this to the final last pull to recovery... If she will not want to fix this marriage than she will notice another side of me...I have been a good husband, not perfect but tried to give her everything....

I just cant live with these lies anymore and I turn my back she is with them....
on the recording she is very nervious about someone spotting them, so in other words she is worried .
She has told me that she loves me ...
I just want my wife back, the kids are happy when they see us hug but run away when we argue....

thanks.

Deeppain,

Don't make the mistake we all make.

Don't give away any your surveilance until it comes to court (in my opinion). Too often I have found things out, w has persuaded me that it's all done, I tell her how i find out, and next time she's more careful.

I think there is not any need for her to know you have tapes - for her to know how much you know or how you know it.

If you want to confront her, you don't have to prove anything to her. She knows the truth. You know the truth. So, if/when you tell her, restrict yourself to saying "I know you are having an affair with OM" - or perhaps something a little more graphic. You don't have to describe the times and places. She knows that. (and you may not know them all). Don't give away your methods.

Don't give away your ability to monitor her.

Don't.

(I'm being repetitive on purpose.)

Oh, and I am so sorry for your pain.

My W is having an A too. At this point, I think I can never trust her again - and D is almost certain. But, I'm still leaving her a small chance.

Be strong!

(and talk to a lawyer).

-AD

PS. If you don't mind, tell us the technicals of your recording setup (car and phone).

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Deeppain, Pep gave you awesome advice and I agree with every word!

Ditto what Pep said!!

I got custody of my kids...and I did it almost exactly like she said. Do not let on to what you know unti leverythign is in place. One things WSs are notorious for is being careless. Just get your evidence and get ready.

Of course, that doesnt mean your marriage is over. It was her losing custody that actually pulled my wife out of the fog. So, your marriage is not on the line yet. But, exposure should happen soon (and with witnesses there, like everyone said). And then you go to Plan B and let her deal with her consequences.

But, I would go maybe a week or two more with gettign a PI, getting more evidence, gettign yoru attorney onboard...and then drop the whol thing in her lap.

In His arms.

ditto Pep

Exposure to her parents is imperitive, but if you plan to follow Pep's advice, it may do you well to not expose to them just yet.

What do you others think?

My thought is that exposure to the parents, assuming it has an impact, may result only in a hunkering down and more caution on her part - if not a full but temporary moratorium, i.e., she apparently stopped once before after a confrontation, only to recommence. Status quo (laying low "playing dumb") actions on your part enhance the success of Pep's plan.

WAT

thanks everyone,

I have heard it many times too that dont expose until you see the smoking gun, a good friend of my has told me that and it made alot of sense....

When i exposed it in August 2004 she can out admitting she was with them but not admitting to sex fully and not knowing why she did it... then later on she tells me it was planned and she knew I had a recorder on the phone (B&LL!!!) ....
then she tells me do you have photos of me having sex, you know you can go to jail for recording (not for finding out the truth only) ..these were words that for sure was told to her by the OM's..
Thats why I guess it's important to get photo or a video which can be used in court....

I want to try to not to give all my methods of finding things out so i have some to check up on her next time... She will not use the house phone anymore for her affairs...

I am really frustrated over this and I got to be strong, their were time in the shower I just broke down. like last night on our dresser was a photo album with all our photos from our wedding day and honeymoon trip, it brought tears down my eyes...

If we disput somethings between us she will tell the OM about it and make it sound she cant take it anymore but before she left she kissed me good bye...I dont get it, is it because she has to show the OM , that I am a bad husband???

Sorry , I just vented a bit...

DP

Oh another thing.....
Should i still keep going and get her a Valentines Gift, i think she may start wondering why I did not get her anything when I always do....
Your thoughts...
Thanks.

dp,

As for the valentine's gift...

If you leave it out, she will notice more than if you give it. Making her notice might be more important than trying to please her right now.

I may be wrong.

-AD

AD,I feel she would notice why i did not give one to her...
I should make sure I do and for the kids sake too...they are happy when they see their parents hugging...

thanks.

OOOOOOOHHHHH MY GOD!!!!!
Plans has popped up early.....

My wife went out last night and she went under her car seat to look for her glasses and found the GPS unit......
She went balistic, of coarse she called the OM or he may have been their when she found it.. we started to fight and I had to just let it all out about her affair...
then she starts up that nothing is going on and she is denying everything and I even told her that I have recorded sex in her car she had...She knows i know the truth but still denys everything and I even threaten to call the OM's wifes to inform them whats going on, she says go ahead.....
But with a nervious look......
She also found the mini voice recorder and she says her brother has it, intersting, she got her brother now involved???and Is he helping her covering it up or he does not know the truth or he may not have the recorder????

It got let last night she went to bed and I went to sleep in my bed too but i could not sleep next to her...so i went downs stair on the coach.
i came back up around 4 am and she said to me what i am doing, I just replied" Do you care!!!" and she told me to come to bed... I told her I cant sleep and she said again to come to bed.....
I just went downstairs again....
She called me to tell me the alarm went of, so I went 20 minutes later and showered and got ready for work, when i was about to leave she wanted a hug and kiss!!! I just looked at her and said " Now you want a hug and kiss " ...I just cant understand WHY she asking for that......
She asked me " Do you want out " and i replied No, i dont but yuo do and i would do this if i didn't love you!!! " I also told her that i am not doing this to fight you in court, it's to keep our family together......
I asked her if she wanted out but would not say anything.... i said to her " do you know that i love you, she replied " me too " .....
Then I left for work, she called me 20 minutes later asking if I fixed the item in the bathroom ..But I know it's just to talk to me....

This happened so fast that I am not sure what to do next....
any thoughts...
Thanks.

DP, I don't know your story other than reading this post. You also have some experienced posters giving you some very good advice. But the one thing that jumps out from your latest post is the fact that you seem to have your W on her heels. You cannot let her get her footing again. I believe it is time to expose to OM's W and also if you are close to her brother maybe give him a call and see what he knows. Of course her brother won't take your side but he will surely call your W and tell her that you called. That will continue to add pressure and keep her moving towards the light. Remember something, you are trying to help her not hurt her. When the dust settles, no matter the outcome, she will understand that you were always trying to help her. You need to be the strong one now for your family.

I am basing my opinion on what you have posted today. Because up till now it didn't seem like there was any thinning in the fog. But this message looks like there is. But whatever you do continue moving forward with your plan and don't negotiate with her. Of course you want her back and you let her know that. But you also insist on what it will take ie. NO CONTACT, Marriage Counselling etc. Good luck and conduct yourself so you can look back knowing you did all you could.

WOE

Hey DP,

Wow! I hope things calm down soon and you get back in control of the situation.

BTW. I did the couch thing for a couple of hours last night too - and w came down and asked me to come to bed and give her a back rub - and then kept waking me up to discuss important things that I can't even remember now since I was half-asleep.

Your w, and mine, need to know that they are loved even when they are looking for "love" (or whatever it is) somewhere else.

We should figure out how to use that.

-AD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deeppain:
I even threaten to call the OM's wifes to inform them whats going on, she says go ahead.....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NEVER NEVER threaten something you are not willing to do.

Call OM's wife and set up a meeting. Tell her who you are, tell her your wife's name. Tell OM'sW you have proof of their affair. Is she interested in looking at (listening to) the proof. Tell OM's W you are exposing the affair for 2 reasons.

1. You see exposure as a way to stop the secrecy element of the affair ... and may indirectly cause the affair to die. And, you want a chance to save your marriage.

2. Because exposing to the other betrayed spouse is the right and decent thing to do .... from one hurting human to another.

NEVER threaten ... only DO

Pep

My W's OM is not married, but I can't imagine not telling his W if he was. (were?)

Do it!

-AD

I vote for contacting OM's wife, too.

I wish my husband had done that, and/or exOM's wife, too. It would have ended the nonsense much earlier, and perhaps prevented a separation and divorce.

HP