If anybodies been reading my previous postings, you know the current situation. My question is... am I any better than he is ? I'm complaining to people I don't know about my problems. I should take them to him, right?? He's not a bad man, he's very loving and giving. I just can't seem to get over this EA of his. He's been home for over 7 months (working close to home) and I still look at all his receipts and such.
Me 46
FWH 48
M 25 y
D day October 2003
working on recovery

I suspect there's nothing wrong with you.

But you need to give us all the facts before we can help.

Is the affair on or off - to the best of your knowledge?

On this thread you infer it's off. On your other thread, you infer it's on.

If you're not sure - and we certainly can identify with this anxiety - assume it's on.

Have you ordered Surviving An Affair yet?

WAT

WAT--I glad someone can identify with me. There are times I feel like I'm hearing hoofbeats and looking for zebras, not ponys. Meaning, I wonder if I'm looking for something to blame on him, that I imagine things! I really do love this man, and want to stay with him. I just can't seem to keep myself together for very long at a time. Stupid stuff causes me start doubting myself and him. I'm glad to find out this is normal (whatever that word means). I guess my latest chain of thought is maybe instead of buying spyware and looking for ways to hack into his computer, I should go to him for some answers. But on the other hand, will be be honest with me? He knows that I know about his "secret" e-mail account, but won't give me the password. This AM I said to him "if it's something you have to hide, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it". Does stuff like that ever sink in???? I have rambled enough. If you need more details about my situation, let me know.

Please give us a full description of your family and your relationship history. Children? How old are you and H? Extended family, closeness, distances. Occupations. Anything that may be informative to know in order to assess your sitch.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dougswife:
<strong>I should go to him for some answers. But on the other hand, will be be honest with me? He knows that I know about his "secret" e-mail account, but won't give me the password. This AM I said to him "if it's something you have to hide, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it". Does stuff like that ever sink in???? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should express your pain and anxiety, but not repeatedly and not begging and whimpering, and whining. But do not expect honesty or rationality.

Your self doubt is very, very, very, very typical if he's like the usual alien abductee - telling lies a 4 year old wouldn't believe. Most BSs have been there. My favorite expression to close friends and family was, "Please tell me I'm not f'ed up????"

So, common sense questions like you asked, "if it's something you have to hide, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it", not only do not sink in, they bounce off, get returned as accusations of privacy invasion, and you try to process them rationally, because you're the only rational person in the conversation.

Ever try arguing with a drunk? Same thing.

Have you ordered SAA yet?

WAT

double

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

double

Forum crashing again?

Hi DW,

The only reason I stopped looking at my WW's PC is because she knows that I can look at it whenever I want to. The only thing wrong about you snooping around his things is that he doesn't like it and that he wont give you his passwords.

Do what you feel you have to do and have no regret.

WAT--I get the hint , order SAA!!! How much of my sitch do you need to know. I can go into greater detail but this is the jist of it:
Me 46, RN
H 48 Surveyor
M 25 years
2DD 21,23 (both live away from home)
D-day Oct. '03
Found out about EA by accident, he denied it for a long time. Still says it wasn't an A because no sex. Met OW while working away from home for 1st time in marriage. Working 6 hours away from home, home on w/e only. Got job closer to home-3 hours--continued contact with OW. Finally got job within driving distance (after about 9 months). Denies being in contact with OW, but I'm not sure.

OK, so there's some physical distance between them now, right? Assuming she hasn't moved closer. Is he gone overnight without reasonable explanation any more? Does he come home late, etc.? In other words, if not for the secret e-mail, would he be acting like a model citizen?

How is he treating you otherwise? What does he think of your marriage? Have you ever suggested counseling and what was his reaction?

The secret e-mail is the stinker here. Are there other things in his history/behavior that he would want to hide? Is he into porn?

WAT

WAT---So you've met the man. No, he's never gone late, or overnight.(Hardly ever) He is however into porn (I found some he had down loaded). I also was wondering if he was into some kinda "chat-room" situation. He treats me extremely well 98% of the time and always says he's worried about "pleasing" me. So am I barking up the wrong tree?? No OW??

I've met 'em all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (And the women.)

It's possible there is no longer THIS ow. Or no OW. But, if so, there could still be others in the future. You know there was one, and nothing has been done to prevent this again, other than his physical working location. Opportunity maybe gone, desire not.

The truth is he's hiding something or somethings from you and that's not right. Period. Could be women, porn, chat rooms discussions, a shoe fetish, or - YIKES! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> a forum like this one????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have you investigated his browser history after he's been on the internet? Does he spend a lot of time on-line?

Are you barking up the wrong tree? Maybe. Maybe not. But if you consider the "tree" to be secrecy - that covers the bases and you're not barking loud enough, perhaps.

Have you suggested or requested counseling? What was his reaction? Remember - if he resists, it may be for reasons other than infidelity.

I think counseling is a smart, reasonable next step. Start by yourself if he resists. Appeal to his 98% of the time extremely well side and ask him to do it for YOU and your family!

Bide your time, read SAA and all other relationship info on this site, and keep your eyes and ears open. Find the emotional needs questionaire on this site and ask him to fill it out. You fill it out also. See if he'll trade answers. No secrets. Also order His Neds/Her Needs. After you read them, loan them to your girls.

WAT

WAT-- the thing that always aroused by suspicions, even before the EA, was that he ALWAYS clears the browser history before he shuts down the computer, even to go so far as to clear the recycle bin and internet cookie portion of the clean up program he runs.
We went to MC x1, but he refuses to go again. I have read Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs, but I think it's time to review. Thanks for letting me rant on and on.

I'm gonna stick my neck out here and predict he's into porn or kinky chat rooms or something like that more than you realize.

If he was just e-mailing an OW, why would he be so anal to clear browser history?

I hope others chime in here to weigh in, but something here does not fit the classic infidelity mold. It feels different.

Perhaps you really ought to try out the hacker spyware.

Please consider counseling with Steve Harley. He'll help you sort out what really is going on.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dougswife:
<strong> WAT-- the thing that always aroused by suspicions, even before the EA, was that he ALWAYS clears the browser history before he shuts down the computer, even to go so far as to clear the recycle bin and internet cookie portion of the clean up program he runs.
We went to MC x1, but he refuses to go again. I have read Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs, but I think it's time to review. Thanks for letting me rant on and on. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DW, then you owe it to him to EXONERATE HIM by doing some sleuthing to prove your fears WRONG. Asking him or accusing him without evidence is highly disrespectful to an innocent person and will cause a wedge between you. Snooping will help you get over your fears once and for all and allow you to move forward.

You can't realistically just ask him because a) if your fears are true, then he will just lie and b) if your fears are WRONG, you will have insulted him by wrongly accusing/questioning him.

Marriage counseling will do you no good if your H is lying. Folks can lie just as easily to MC's as they can to their spouse. MC's are not some magic truth detectors or miracle marriage saviors. In fact, I will tell you its easier to bullsh** a counselor than it is a most spouses.

So, I would say that you owe it to your H and yourself to do some snooping so that you will quit thinking the WORST of him and stop accusing him. Exonerate the man, DW!

P.S. people who have nothing to hide, DON'T HIDE. Just remember that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dougswife:
<strong>My question is... am I any better than he is ? I'm complaining to people I don't know about my problems. I should take them to him, right??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you found that talking to your H about this works? Isn't that why you are here in the first place?

I would also point out that you are not having an affair with us or doing anything wrong. You are here trying to HELP your marriage; if your suspicions are right, then he is not using the computer to help your marriage, but harm it.

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melodyland et al: When he came home from work last night he told me he had deleted the "secret" e-mail account, which I suppose is his way of trying to make things right again. I am going to get Surviving An Affair and start going to MC with or without him. I fear that my suspicious behavior will only cause him to return to OW for emotional support (he's very needy that way). I would almost classify him as Passive-agressive in some ways. I need to deal with my own hurt and anger, it's gone on long enough. I want to be able to help myself so I can be stronger for our marriage. Thanks everyone for your help.

Dougswife, if you feel that your suspicions are all in your mind that is exactly the path to take. Accusing and suspecting an innocent spouse is very damaging to any marriage. Not as damaging as an affair, but almost.

I wish you the best and hope you get some help at counseling to deal with your fears.