I need to get back in the game here. I have not been posting and there have been a number of situations in which my participation could have helped someone or me.

I have been tanked in self-pity and hatred of me. Today I woke up and I made a renewed commitment to be a leader again. So, put me in coach.... I'll play now.

I have never tried to blame her for my A. I am responsible for it and the pain it has caused. I am, however, the very source of the strength for her recovery. I have to accept this role because my wife and my marriage to her is the most important thing in my life.

I needed to quit my job because OW was there. I fought you all on it, not because of desire to see her(far from that, actually) but because I am a provider. Hard-core. It was stated to me that "god will provide" This is true. God has provided. I believe in him and I believe he loves me. He loves my wife as well and he wants us to make it. I have faith in this.

I have reflected on my "reasons" for having an affair and I don't believe I am finished with it but I have found some issues that contributed.

1) I have huge issues with confrontational situations with females. I am in the Army and I am an E-7. I will tell you right now I can tear any soldier a new [censored] with the best of them... but in personal relationships with women... I have an issue to deal with. Tie root of this issue is my Mother dying when I was very young and then my Father remarrying a very confrontational(to me) woman who favored her children over me. I learned early and often to avoid confrontation and all costs by lying, telling her what she wanted to hear and hiding. These are habits I am addressing. I have identified they exist however, and that is a start.

2) I have a very real acceptance problem.(probably related to mom again) If I don't feel accepted, then I will seek it out. I usually don't use this method(an A) to gain acceptance, but I did this time.

ok... so these key issues are major contributors to my deviant behavior. I felt pressured by froz on some relationship issues(confrontation) and she is a very emotional person about things. I hate hurting her and when she reacts emotionally I feel like I have hurt her and she will not accept me anymore(acceptance)

still working on this exploration but I have found some very valid points in my mind.

I love my wife and would go thru hell to find and rescue her. And that is what i feel I am doing now. Rescueing her.

ok... enough rambling. I feel better and a little rejuvenated inside.