What I want….

1. I want the nightmares to stop.
2. I want the kids to be at home all the time.
3. I want the house to bustling with activity again.
4. I want to hear my wife walk in the door and say hi.
5. I want my hands to stop shaking.
6. I want my eyes to stop watering all the time.
7. I want to sleep.
8. I want to not be afraid of being alone.
9. I want to quit feeling this pain that cannot be described.
10. I want to quit waiting for her to come back.
11. I want off the emotional roller coaster.
12. I want to wake up next to her.
13. I want to quit waking up in the night, sweating, startled, not knowing where I am.
14. I want to keep my food down.
15. I want to quit hearing the “fog” excuses and lies
16. I want the truth
17. I want to quit being blamed for my WW’s actions
18. I want to feel normal, happy, full of life and goals
19. I want to spend time with my WW
20. I want to be able to get up in the night and check on the kids; make sure they are sleeping and safe.
21. I want to go back….. I want her back…. How can I get her back?

AMEN

Dang man - way to make a grown man cry again!

((((((((((BHINWI)))))))) I want those things for you too.....the only way to get them is through the MB plan (I'm convinced of it)....are you in A or B hon?????

Alot of those things on your list can be helped by an anti-D, and when you feel better, then you can start chipping away at the rest of the list....I know you can't help how you feel, but she won't come back while you're a basket case......I know she put you there, but you've got to pull yourself out of this tailspin...it's the only way.

PRAY BHINWI, PRAY! Ask God to lighten your load.....one word of caution though.....you can ask him and he will.....but you have to let it go before he can take it. It's hard to let go, but you have to. I struggled for months with this, I cried and begged him to please take it from me...it was too much, but then I persisted in holding onto my pain with both hands....God couldn't pry it loose...it was only when I trusted him completely and loosened my grasp that he took it from me, and I feel stronger everyday because of it.

I still have my bad days, but they're NO WHERE close to as bad as they used to be. I still get discouraged, but my savior is only a prayer away...and I feel better.

I know it sounds unattainable, but it's really not. God WILL NOT be your spare tire.....You can't only use him in emergencies, you have to commit, and once you do, he will provide hon, I promise.

-Caren

Caren - I'm trying to get there too. We get to be so stubborn as humans, always wanting to get it OUR way on OUR time. I think, at least in my case, that the pain has to heal before I can even move anywhere - and I've been praying and praying to have God help me learn the wisdom to turn it over to him.

Just so hard to do. And you reminded me - time to go take my meds....

David

Caren,

Heading to Plan B. She has moved out, admits to nothing, and I filed (should not have) for divore in Oct. However, I will delay the divorce as long as I can.

Don't know what to do... She used to love me so much.

Keith

Be strong my brother... I could have written each and every one of your lists and you know what I got um. It can happen, but first take care of yourself.

She still loves you.....she is just lost, now it's your job to show her the way back home.

You have to be the lighthouse......Lighthouses are strong, they can withstand the waves crashing at their base, they can weather the storm, and they lead the ship to saftey. BE THE LIGHTHOUSE!

You have to look at this from a different perspective. Your WW hurt you, your heart is mortally wounded. Now you have a choice, you can lay down and die, or you can stand up, dust yourself off, and make a plan....Fight for her, you love her right? I'm sure you've said you'd do anything for her right? She's worth it, isn't she? So now DO IT. You'll feel so much better when you have a plan, everything won't be so chaotic.

Now pull yourself up by your bootstraps, figure out what her top 3 EN's are and have a go at her, she won't understand what on earth happened, and you won't tell her, you won't tell her what you have in your arsenal.

Now you said she denies everything.......she denies the affair? Do you have proof? Have you exposed??? Lemme know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

I have an email sent to OM that is very, very suggestive. I showed it to her and she said that she sent it to see if I was spying. Can you believe that? She fell for him the week she took her new job. Lots of what I have is circumstaional, new clothes, underwear, taking feminine hygene wash to work, coming home late, change in hobbies, weight loss, etc, etc. Lots of fog talk. She has done this before so I know what to look for. I know it is an EA but it could be a PA. I investigated the guy and he goes through women like socks. It will not last long.


What do you suggest? She does care about me but she is so stuck in the fog. She has moved out. Should I "Plan B" or what do I do?

((hug))
Whether you do Plan A or B, make sure you take care of you, too. Go to the gym, eat right, make the time to do some of your favorite things. Consider AD too, if you need to. No shame in that - you are in a hugely stressful situation.

I never thought I'd feel better, but I do. You will get there.

Caryn,

What is your email address? I need to send you a letter that I want to send my wife. Would like to know what you think?

Keith

Cyllanlisa,

I would like to hear some of your circumstantial evidence.

Keith

I had a lot of the typical tips -

buying new clothes
going to the gym
dying his hair and tanning (all of these things new, he had'nt done it in the prior 14 years)
unaccounted for time (would go out to the store for a couple of things and it would take hours, work late to midnight or later 3+ times a week)
calls on work cell phone, never the home phone
I was never invited/allowed out with his work friends (this was huge)

My gut was telling me something was not right. (He of course claimed and still claims nothing ever happened)
I listened to some of his voicemails, nothing outright incriminating, although I could tell he was discussing personal things and stuff about the marriage with his female friend at work.

The biggest thing was I found some pictures on his flash drive. Him "posing" some in a bed. Another picture of his friend in the same bed. (none of pics together or naked). He said he wanted pictures of his new muscles. Yeah.

He at the last minute cancelled a family vacation (well I took the kids anyway) for work.

I'm sure there is more, but those are the highlights.

ETA: oh yeah, I got the I love you but am not in love with you line. Also the space thing.

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: cyllanlisa ]</small>

You should post the letter here hon, a lot of wise people on this site <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> A lot wiser than I am for sure.

I would say you should be in Plan A since you have not proven/exposed the Affair. Work on that, proving it. Your wife moved out, correct? Did she "Need some space"?? Or "Need some time to think"? What those two statements mean are "I want to continue my affair unimpeded by you", and the old favorite "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" That's a load of crap.

You need to maybe hire a P.I. to tail her, get some hard evidence and then confront her with it, it has to be UNDENIABLE, then you show her your proof, and then you expose it to the world, you tell your family, you tell her family, you tell her boss, you tell anyone who may have any influence. Is the man married? If so, tell his wife.

You start Plan Aing her now, you do the EN questionnaire, and guess what her needs are.....or if you think she'd fill it out, have her do it. But you need to start filling those emotional needs. Before, during, after exposing the Affair. And she's going to be P.O.ED when you expose it, but you're just going to be nice, and not LB her. You are going to listen to her ranting and raving, and calmly tell her that it's okay for her to be mad, that it doesn't change the fact that you love her.

DO NOT go overboard with the I love you, as a matter of fact, I use that VERY sparingly, she already KNOWS you love her, and it will irritate her to hear you saying it, she finds it weak...she's hurting you and doing all this mean stuff, and you're telling her you love her.....she doesn't respect you....see what I mean?

You can do this hon, you can, we'll help you, okay?

Caren,

I did have a PI follow her once but she just went shopping. I know she is in deep in a EA for certain but it is so hard to prove (other than her email to him). Her family knows that things don't add up, her friends know, my family knows and I called her boss once to see if he knows anything (he did not tell me much but he came down on her pretty hard she told me). She is on thin ice at work and may get fired now so the boss must know something is up.

The OM is not married and plays the field. I know a lot about him. If they are having a relationship, he will dump her at some point.

At this point, we are divorcing and I wish we were not. I want to stop it. This much I know, she does care about me lots. But she still wants the divorce.

I don't know what to do Caren. I have sent her letters on what I have learned about EN's and how to give them to her. I have said that reconcilation is possible and worth it. I just don't know at this point what to do???

I was going to Plan B but I am not sure if that is right either. So confused!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

{{{BHINWI}}}
I know how you feel. Hang in there.....it does get easier. Take care of yourself!!!!!

It is absolutely NOT time for plan B......just keep plan Aing her the best you can. Her refusal to acknowledge the love busters/emotional needs talk is typical. Just drop it with her, don't tell her anything about Marriage Builders, that way she won't know what you're doing is part of a *plan*.

If she won't fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, that's okay, you fill it out for her just make an educated guess. Think back on things she's complained about, that ought to give you some clues.

Plan A the crap out of her. Don't talk about the OM at all. Don't talk about the relationship, just be nice and fulfill any needs she'll let you fill. Even if she isn't letting you, don't stop trying.

About the P.I. one day isn't really enough to find out what's going on. It's a lot harder to prove an EA, once it goes physical there's always evidence.

Send her some flowers at work.....then everybody at work will see the delivery guy walking in with a big bouquet....OM will see too. On the card just say something like "Just thought I'd brighten your day" Not I love you, not please come back to me.....just simple, to the point....have a nice day.

That's a start, you see by being nice to her, and not all weepy/clingy (I understand these feelings all too well...I did it for MONTHS). The analogy I like the best is if you were going to a car lot and the salesman came up to you and was crying and said "Please! Please buy this car! If you don't buy this car I'm going to be fired! Please help me" You'd be like "Okay psycho, I'm not buying a car from you" Same deal here, you can't *sell* yourself that way.

You can also start doing stuff like working out, buy new clothes, buy new cologne (Drakkar Noir smells so, so good...LOL). Don't explain any of it, she'll notice even if she doesn't say anything.....it'll make her wonder, "Hmmmmm what is he up to? Do I need to worry about him finding someone else?" It'll make you feel better about yourself too. Go out with some guy friends........don't tell her where you're going, or where you've been. She'll most likely get mad at you and yell.....but you're going to stay calm, you're going to say "I didn't realize that you cared...." "I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now" stuff like that NOTHING mean NOTHING beggy. You need to be aloof. Start doing bachelory things to your house...LOL. Get a big screen TV if you don't have one, or get a bar....something to make her think...what the hell, doesn't he want me back...but then when she talks to you, you're being loving towards her. It won't be congruent, she will be confused.

When you go somewhere and she says "I tried to call you but you didn't answer..." DO not explain where you were...BE VAGUE. Oh, I just had a few things to do.........Oh I had some plans. It'll drive her crazy. Oh, I just went out to dinner with a friend....always say "friend". If she asks you if you have a girlfriend say "What would make you say that, that would be ridiculous wouldn't it? I'm married" Don't deny it....just sorta tap dance around it. "Married people aren't supposed to date, are they?"

Good luck hon,

-Caren

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Caren,

Great ideas!

How can I help you? What do you want to know from a man's perspective? I will help you in anyway possible.

Keith

Thanks for the offer hon, but I'm about to go to Plan B. There will be no contact between us.

But I will be bored out of my gourd I'm sure, so I can still help you out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren