Thought I should get all my thoughts out on the board rather than go home and LB H. I am feeling very bitter and twisted and I must confess sorry for myself today. There is just no justice.

According to OW's ExH, she has met someone else and is as happy as can be. My WH "CAN'T" discuss the A because it upsets him too much and I will give you a run down of his week. I work everyday from 8.00 a.m. to 5.00 p.m. then go home and do the chores and the cooking. WH's week - he works from home so has a lot of free time:

Monday - had nothing on so spent the day reading and watching TV
Tuesday - played golf
Wednesday - oversaw the garden chappy doing his work in the complex and spent the rest of the day reading and watching TV
Thursday - played golf
Friday - playing golf as I write this
Saturday morning (tomorrow) - yet another game of golf

All the spare time he used to spend with OW, he now spends playing golf. . .which is fine by me. . he brings in enough cash for us to live a pretty comfortable life BUT where is the justice. . .both of them caused me to feel miserable and unhappy and to question whether I want to stay in my marriage or not and they both blythly go along with their lives like nothing happened. I JUST DON'T THINK ITS FAIR. . .THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT OF RETRIBUTION. As you can all see I NEED VENGEANCE at the moment.

Sorry, but this is the only place I can really say what I feel. I somehow feel they need to be punished and instead I feel like I am being punished. . .for being a good, faithful wife for 38 years.

I know that I am all over the place, but that's just how I feel. . .surround me with your support before I fall apart completely.

Enid
I understand how you feel.

You seem to have forgotten that you have the whip hand in recovery.

FWH works on meeting your needs of you stop working on the M.

Ithink you need to have a think about what your boundaries are. If being treated like a housemaid, or a teenager's mother isn;t on the list, its time for some grit girl !

My Squid wanted to pick up where we left off before her affair once she got through the worst of withdrawal.

I said " I do not want the marriage we had, taht was so unfair and unsatisfying that it was exposed to an affair. I want a better one, and that means us both working on both getting over your affair AND rebuilding the marriage we deserve.

I will not shackle you to me. I want to be with you, and build a better marriage but I will not do this alone.

Will you contribute to rebuolding our marriage or not?"

She changed her attitude pretty fast.

now, 12 weeks after that talk Squid is working on our new relationship. Sh estill can;t talk about teh A much spontaneously but she'd transforme dour quality of lif with her loving, inclusive, less selfish atitude.

That coupled with my Plan A changes has led to a much imporved environment where we can more comfortably work on the affair-recovery stuff.

But Enid, you have to be prepared to plan B him if he doesn't want to work on the M. Or else tolerate being his skivvy.

I must say that the more fair setup really helped my heart feel that my efforts were worthwhile.

Be strong Enid.

All blessings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I JUST DON'T THINK ITS FAIR. . .THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT OF RETRIBUTION. As you can all see I NEED VENGEANCE at the moment.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, have I been there right with you on this one!

From what you wrote, is it vengeance you want?...or just some quality time with your husband? There's nothing LB-ish about letting your husband know you'd like to spend more time together. Tell him.

{{{{Hugs and support to Enid}}}

Wise word from Pure Bob - thank-you am feeling same way right now. We have different problem we are dealing with my FIL who is in nursing home and has alzehmeirs(sp) and dementia -WOW - every time we think we can get some time togheter something comes up with him and we need to deal with his issues. He is 91 . So what can I do now? I am exhausted and feeling low - resentful majorly - calling our attorney almost daily. Tired drained sick of WH - want my own life away from preoblems., son comes home from Iraq in March. Want to fly up and hold him WH says no -I looked straight at him and said watch me . Major LB there -what now??

My WH has been very loving and kind, its just that today I am feeling that life is so unfair. We do spend a lot of time together, he never goes out in the evenings and we spend the whole weekend together (besides Saturday morning when he plays golf and I usually have something to do on a Saturday morning because I work all week). Its either hair cuts, or leg waxes, or facials or shopping. So, yes we do spend a lot of time together and so long as the A isn't mentioned life is cosy. I have a dose of the flu today and I think I am just feeling very sorry for myself.

I resent the fact that they are both happy in their little lives while I am struggling still to come to terms with the A. If anyone had told me before the A how I would have reacted to it I wouldn't have believed them. First of all I would have said that I would have dumped him and left him straight away. I find I cannot do that because I still love him very much plus we have so many years invested in one and other that I feel its worth working on the marriage and keeping it together.

BUT that doesn't stop me from having days where I hate them both and hope something horrible will happen to them. When I think of OW with her new boyfriend I hope he ends up cheating on her so that she can feel a little of the pain that she inflicted on me and I sometimes hope that I will meet some dashing man that will sweep me off my feet and have an A with him and that my WH finds out and then will KNOW what it feels like to have the one person you trusted with your entire life betray you. I know that I would never do something like that, but there are days where I have these vengeful dreams and hope to hurt them as much as they have hurt me.

Enid. I am not an MC i can only speak from my own experience. But what I am trying to say is I wanted vengeance when I felt Squid wasn't contributing to recovery enough.

From what you write your H's laziness an golfing is failing to meet at least one important EN of yours.

Ask him to step up to the mark OR tolerate his laziness.

Up to you.

When Squid works ahard at our life I do not wish any ill on her and I do not think of OM. when she doesn;t I want him to be lying broken in an alley and Squid to be...well....just miserable enough for her affair to work harder on it.

I hope I was clear this time.

The vengeance feeling goes when your FWS contributes more. Thats all I am saying from my experience.

Yep, I'm no doctor but sounds like you have "resentment flu". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Lot of it going around here.

So, besides him not discussing the A, things are otherwise OK with you? Are there any other things he could do to help you feel better?

I don't think it's unusual to have those feelings and fantasies of revenge. I hope not, cause at over 2 years I still have them--just not as intense as they used to be. I think we have to acknowledge them, even enjoy them (the revenge part) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and then let them go. After all, we've made the choice to recover our M and dwelling on thoughts of murder and mayhem, however satisfying, ain't gonna get us there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hope you get over this hurdle fast. It's no fun! Have a great day.

Thanks Bob, I hope you are right. I am feeling particular vengeful today. I could write the OW an anonomous letter venting all my spleen on her (I have never had any contact at all with OW) but today I could send her the letter from hell telling her what a sl*t I think she is. And as for my WH, I could go home and scratch his eyes out. I am venting as much as I can on this site today so that by the time I get home I will be good little MB wife that doesn't LB her cheating bas***d of a husband. You can just feel my venom today, I am sure. Must be a combination of a hard week at work plus the dose of flu I've got. Hope to get back into "good" mode soon.

Thanks for your answers, they do help. Bob you are in the UK aren't you. . .I am in South Africa so there is only two hours difference between us. Can I send you my email address so that I can write to you from time to time. You have coped so well with your problems that it would be lovely to just be able to write to someone who understands and is actually nearly in the same time zone as I am. If you have a problem with that, I will understand.

I think I feel resentful because V Day is copming and you know what I am planning on nothing for that day. Just another day. If I think in my mind that he would plan something special for me and it doesn't happen then I will be all weepy in front of him if I don't and figure I'll get nothing then I'll get over it before like NOW.

enid,

I understand how you feel entirely. My FWH seems to be fine as long as I am fine. His only "bad times" seem to be in response to my dark moments. He has told me many times that he suffers a great deal and that it is very difficult to live with the knowledge of how deeply he hurt the person who matters most to him (that would be me)! I think that when I am feeling bad that I would like to be able to look at him and see some sort of visible sign of suffering. As far as the OW. I would like her to suffer until the day she dies. She plotted and manipulated for some time to lure my FWH into an A. I am not making excuses for him, he made the decision to have the A, but it was her idea. Once she had him in a PA, she tried to badger him into leaving me. She, as we BW's sometimes are surprized to learn, is a fat, unkempt, needy, unemployed lunatic. Her plan, since she is too lazy to actually work for a living, was to trap my H into a M so that he could support her and her two young C from a former M. Well, she failed and I have learned through my own research on line that she lost her house. I might add that she and her XH had been defrauding the government of France for years and my FWH turned her in and now they are after her for more than $100K which she and XH fraudulantly received. Revenge can be sweet, but I say the more suffering she gets the better. Well, that felt really good. My day looks brighter already.

Realtor - as in "Expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed"?

I use to do that too. Make your own Valentine celebration and if he wants to join in, good--if not, you just enjoy and good again.

Edited to add: Enid, sorry for the temporary thread-jack. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 07:44 AM: Message edited by: TooOld4This ]</small>

Don't worry about the thread jack. We have never celebrated Valentine's Day but it will be interesting to see if my WH does anything about it this year. My WH also tends to "be happy" when I am happy and be miserable when I am miserable. It drives me insane. When he is unhappy or miserable I have no problem in sympathising with him or jollying him into a good mood but he seems to have a major problem dealing with any signs of a "mood" from me.

Yes, fantasy is a wonderful thing. I can't tell you the things I sometimes dream up of doing to my WH and the OW. I am a great believer in that what comes around, goes around and I don't believe we ever get off scott free when we have hurt someone. . .there is some sort of retribution. It may come in a way we don't expect but I do think you have to be accountable for your sins. You can't just say "sorry" or God forgive me for my sins. . .I believe even God expects you to make retribution before you are truly forgiven.

I have never wished anyone harm in all my life but I have no problem in wishing the OW all the harm that comes her way. I know that she pushed for the A because my H is completely impotent and has to use viagra and I know that he wouldn't have initiated sex unless he knew it was what she wanted and then he had to plan it carefully so that he could take his viagra before meeting up with her. I think the whole A took its toll of him because he suffered from depression and suicidal tendency during the four years the A continued. . .though it didn't stop him from carrying it on, did it? I believe the OW will never have a day's luck in her life ever again and all I wish her is ill. . .not very Christian like of me but today that is exactly how I feel.

Enid you said
Thanks for your answers, they do help. Bob you are in the UK aren't you. . .I am in South Africa so there is only two hours difference between us. Can I send you my email address so that I can write to you from time to time. You have coped so well with your problems that it would be lovely to just be able to write to someone who understands and is actually nearly in the same time zone as I am. If you have a problem with that, I will understand.


I have no problem with helping out of course (you are ahead of me in teh R game, you will help me more I thinK !!) but I will say the only other female posters that I exchange with on here , I also either exchange with their Hs, or at least they know me well so theres no suspicion.

What would your FWH think if he saw my replies to you in your inbox ?

I am HAPPY to help, and I LOVE ZA ( worked in Jo'burg and Durban !) but I think it may be better to exchange on the board rather than by email. That way it helps other folks too, and there can be no trouble in FWS misinterpreting stuff.

Or I am sure we can find a timezone-friendly female to help you out more intimately. I know Orchids usually around in the mornings in Hawaii.
Suzet* is in ZA herself, and FWW insight can be wonderfully useful. That 'F' is a hard won letter I have learned.

That OK Enid? All blessings !