Hi folks,

I have not been posting my updates lately. Nobody asked either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Things are happening - mostly not good, but mostly I am driving it - and being in control makes even bad things feels better. But...

I'm exploring some alternative ways of thinking.

One day a couple months ago, my w and I were having an argument at the usual time (Saturday morning). (we do have arguments at other times, but weekends seem to spawn them in abundance). She threw out a line amid the fray something like "Sometimes we just need to take a new look at where we are".

So...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I said:
<strong> "OK. It's Saturday morning. The sun is shining. I'm in my bedroom. There is a beautiful woman here." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Well, I think she liked that. Argument faded away.

I'm thinking now that we all may often be making things too complicated. I know that all the problems don't just go away because we don't think about them or look at them. That's the conflict avoidance path. But sometimes, maybe we just need to open our eyes and live in the moment without thought of past of future.

Just a thought.

-AD

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Yes sometimes we all need a feel good moment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>But sometimes, maybe we just need to open our eyes and live in the moment without thought of past of future.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AD, I agree! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I sent the following on another thread today and I want to post it here is well. It's so relevant to your post! Here it is:

TODAY

Today I will delete from my diary two days: yesterday and tomorrow...

Yesterday was to learn and tomorrow will be the consequence of what I can do today.

Today I will face life with the conviction that this day will not ever return.

Today is the last opportunity I have to live intensely, as no one can assure me that I will see tomorrow's sunrise.

Today I will be brave enough not to let any opportunity pass me by, my only alternative is to succeed.

Today I will invest my most valuable resource: my time, in the most transcendental work: my life;

I will spend each minute passionately to make of today a different and unique day in my life.

Today I will defy every obstacle that appears on my way trusting I will succeed.

Today I will resist pessimism and will conquer the world with a smile, with the positive attitude of expecting always the best.

Today I will make of every ordinary task a sublime expression,

Today I will have my feet on the ground understanding reality and the stars' gaze to invent my future.

Today I will take the time to be happy and will leave my footprints and my presence in the hearts of others.

Today, I invite you to begin a new season where we can dream that everything we undertake is possible and we fulfil it,

with joy and dignity.

Thanks Suzet*,

That's inspiring!

-AD

AD, I believe it was Chuck Swindoll who said something about Life and how our Attitude affects many of the possible "outcomes." It went like this:

Life is 10% about what happens to us and 90% about how we choose to react to it.

Choose wisely, all ye Grasshoppers!

AD I am developing a theory that recovery is a three-pronged process.

There is PRACTICAL recovery - where the day-to-day becomes functional, even pleasant. Living 'in the moment' as you say

There is PERSONAL recovery - where FBS and FWS grow from the place where the affair happened.

There is Traumatic recovery - where the impact of the affair an discovery is recovered from.

When you are blessed as I am with a wonderful day-to-day recovery it is tempting to look only at the broken stuff in the other two areas BUT as you rightly infer: the quality of a good life experience today is not diminished because there are problems elsewhere.

The practical recovery can give a platorm for the other recovery processes to advance. Thats what I hope for us.

Glad you're progressing well AD.Thanks for posting this.

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 01:33 AM: Message edited by: b0b pure* ]</small>

Bob,

Actually, I'm not progressing well - except on the path to D.

I've had a bad week - very bad week.

-AD

AD,

I'm sorry for the bad week you're having. I did love your response to your wife, though! That would have shut me right up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob said:

There is PERSONAL recovery - where FBS and FWS grow from the place where the affair happened.

There is Traumatic recovery - where the impact of the affair an discovery is recovered from.


These two sound very much like the same thing. Isn't personal recovery more along the lines of each person in the marriage just growing as an individual, where their growth is beneficial to the marriage but not dependent on it?

Just wanted to clarify. Thanks, Bob! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NOW

NOW, I have only just started to map our recovery onto these three tenets BUT

To me Traumatic recovery is where both parties dealwith teh shock and emotional & physical fallout of the A and its discovery.

Personal Recovery is ( in my case) giving myself an identity seperate from the roles I play in life.

To recovery I need :

* a satisfying 'life' (Practical)
* to be healed from teh trauma of the affair ( Traumatic)
* to be a person that is not likly to be as badly affected by another A, NOR as likely to have one myself.

I understand if a person bunmdled traumatic and personal recovery together.

It doesn't work for me.

I could see me recovered personally to be a new, seperately identified and capable person but NOT able to deal with the trauma and vice versa.

My personal recovery is PROACTIVE, building. Traumatic recovery is passive, recouperative.

Just my definition NOW for my own use in our recovery. Not MB defined or anything.

My world makes much more sense mapped out like this.

It also allows me to see the MASSIVE efforts Squid has put into practical recovery.

I am not very articulate at this stuff, I hope that's a bit clearer.

Sorry AD, from the strength and confidence emanating rom your opening post i thought you were doing really well from a personal perspective at least.

Sorry you're having a bad time, and sorry I misinterpreted your mood <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Bob,

It does make sense....and it's a very good roadmap. I agree all three areas need to be addressed for partners affected by an affair to become whole again. I suppose the personal and traumatic areas would overlap a bit ...actually, all three, eh?

It's funny, because RH is more of a goal setting, map following fellow....that is how he works. I'm more of an intuitive, reflection, soul-searching sort of girl, and what's so cool is that we both get to the same place somehow!
There were times when he didn't think I was "working" on anything....nothing was really visible to him as I didn't have it spelled out on paper what I planned to do. I understand how that made him nervous. Eventually, though, he could see the results of my "inner" work, if that makes sense to you.
You know, I've come to realize that so often we are saying the same thing (you and I, me and RH etc) only we don't know it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You ARE doing great, and you are doing it YOUR way, and that's the best way.

NOW