I have a sinking feeling my H is talking to someone again. Not sure who, if it is one of the former OW or not. Just too many signs point in that direction. He frequently doesn't "hear" the cell phone when I call him. He keeps his work cell in his truck so I can't see the call log. I don't know if I am imagining things or not. A few times lately he will call me when he is only a few minutes from home instead of when he is leaving. He used to do that when he was talking to OW. I don't know, mostly it is just this feeling I have.

What do I do? He does not feel I should have the privilege to see his cell phone or the inside of his work truck because I lied to him about my A for many years. (the A was over but he never knew about it until 3 months ago). He says I have no right to ask for honesty from him when I was not honest. I could ask my mom for his cell phone records as they are his employer but then i am involving my family and I didn't want to do that. Any suggestions or do you think I am just being paranoid?

I believe in the concept of radical honesty in a marriage. It sounds like your husband doesn't share that belief. The only time I hid things from my husband was when I was cheating on him, I'm sad to say. All the openness of previous times was gone. I feel sick now when I think back to how I wouldn't let him go in my purse, for fear he'd find some 'evidence' of a phone card number, etc.

I also think your gut instincts may be correct. It's easy to tell when someone is being evasive or sneaky.

Hopeful

two people in a relationship have to be open books. Especially when one thinks the other might be up to some sort of bad behavior(like an A) If he won't show you the call logs, then obviously you will think he has something to hide. You have the right to ensure he is not being unfaithful to you.

communicate your fears to him and make sure you are honest and not LBing. if he gets defensive, just make sure you don't fuel it. Then, if you do not get the intended results(make sure he is not being unfaithful or starting to) then pursue other avenues until you do get the information you want.

I committed the A in my situation. I understand now that I am an open book to my spouse. The fact is, most times I tried to hide something from her, it was because I had something to hide.

Also, my opinion is that it is childish to justify ones behavior because someone else did it. My kids say that. It truly is no excuse. It is a guilt-ridden defense mechanism.

Hope I have provided some insight

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
He does not feel I should have the privilege to see his cell phone or the inside of his work truck because I lied to him about my A for many years. He says I have no right to ask for honesty from him when I was not honest. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off ... were these his exact words? ---> "You have no right to ask for honesty ... (because ...whatever)"

My entire answer depends on if he actually said this or you were editing / paraphrasing.

Pep

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

ditto Pep.

Hi Faith,

sorry to hear you have these concerns. I strongly agree with patriot </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> communicate your fears to him and make sure you are honest and not LBing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also think Pep's question is a good one for you to determine.

so i have nothing new to add to help you except to send you some cyber support.

{{ff}}, this really doesn't sound good, ff. Remember what we all say about instincts? I'm so sorry to say that, but it just doesn't look good.

How to approach the issue is another story. I wish I was good at giving this kind of advice, but I'm not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hey FF - How are you doing this morning?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
First off ... were these his exact words? ---> "You have no right to ask for honesty ... (because ...whatever)"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to pretend you answered "Yes, he said these exact words."

If your H said you have no right to ask for honesty because of your past mistake .... he is, in fact, giving himself license to abandon HIS scruples. He is giving himself permission to lower his OWN personal standards.

A very BIG red flag!

The road to hell is paved with a misguided sense of entitlement. Here is the babble interpretation:

"It's OK if I treat you badly now. I have that right."

THIS is the one question you might ask your H ... when both of you are calm, well-rested, and not emotionally worked up.

You said you do not owe me honesty. Do you mean that?

If he says "YES, I mean that."

You say;

Then is our marriage going to be dishonest from here on out?."

He'll probably give you a non-answer like;

"Well, you had an affair and you lied to me ... blah blah blah...."

YOU re-ask the same question until he either says "Yes" or "No" ...

Then is our marriage going to be dishonest from here on out?"

YOU do NOT become angry.
YOU remain calm.
This is NOT a debate of who has a more lousy character....
this is a
FACT FINDING
and
CLARIFICATION
discussion only.

You are looking for the new ground rules of the marriage .... tell him that.

Personally, I think he's speaking his hurt, and not his desire to lie to you. If he wavers around, tell him, "I see how hurt you are by my lies. This is an intollerable way to conduct one's self in a marriage. I cannot un-do my past, but I can promise never to lie to you again. I humbly apologize for my past. I beg your forgiveness."

You are NOT ready to get into the meat of what he might be doing now .... just apologize as many times as you have the opportunity to do so. YOU role-model a humble remorseful X-cheating spouse for him .... coz he may need this model for future reference!

Love ya,

Pep

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Faithful I got my WH cell phone bills and know what numbers he call during the day. I got his company Number off the internet. I just went on line and got it. Pull up his comapny www.nextel.com or whatever type in his phone number and set up a password for it. You can print off his bills and you will know who's phone number he is calling. Then go to www.whitepages.com and pull up reverse phone number and bingo you get an address. Good luck let us know ok.

First off ... were these his exact words? ---> "You have no right to ask for honesty ... (because ...whatever)" Pep, he told me that afer me being dishonest for as long as I was in covering up my A he thinks it isn't right for me to "expect" him to be an open book.

Pep and everyone else (especially Patriot)thank you for your responses and insight. I do believe that much of this has to do with my past dishonesty and him not feeling like he owes me honesty in return. I am still not certain what, if anything, I am dealing with. My DS has been in the hospital with pnuemonia since Friday and this is my first time home. My H is staying with DS tonight.

Anyway, I will think on these wonderful ideas and will have a calm, non lb discussion with my H after DS is well and home and we are rested. I am tired.

Firstly, I hope you get some sleep. Sick children are so stressful. Your other issues should be put on hold until your son is better.

Once you feel the time is right, trust your instincts. It would be very hard to ask your family for the cell phone records because they would then appear to be your accomplices. The cell phone was a major issue in my WH's A. He hid it from me whereas before it was just left on the kitchen sideboard. Can you not get hold of the key when he is asleep and check it out for yourself? TT

No further advice from me, you have a bunch of good stuff here. Good luck and prayers to your family.

{{{{{Faithful & Family}}}}}

TT, he keeps his only set of keys with him because he knows I snoop. You are right though, I will just focus on my DS right now and not worry. I really appreciate that h is at the hospital and gave me a chance to come home.

Thanks

Pep, I just reread your post. Wow is all I can say. When DS comes home and things are calm I will have that discussion. I know you are right about him dealing with his hurt. We are only 3 months past my dday. I will model the remorseful behavior and pray that whatever it is I am picking up on disappears.

{{Pep}} Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />