Why do people get so upset that their spouses are reading, downloading or watching porn or adult materials?
I worked in the adult film industry for over 9 years and always felt that expressing and satisfying ones sexual fantasies to be a healthy part of ones life. My wife and I have always been into adult films, toys and fantasies. I personally would never date or marry a person that was not secure in their sexualality. It's not healthy and will only cause problems later on.

I just don't fully understand people...I see so many posts here where a spouse is freaking out that their husband or wife is watching or downloading porn. They should both understand each others needs but it seems to me that the person against the adult material is almost always the one that will never bend.

Ok, I have never asked my H to not look at porn, and am open to watching, looking, or whatever, TOGETHER, but, I always thought when he does it alone, it is like he IS having sex with someone else and keeping it secret. Of course now that I know what that really is like, I may have changed my mind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Also, maybe it's just my female insecurity issues, but when I know he is "having sex" with other women, even in his mind, I am not good enough for him.
I am very confident with my own sexuality, and also enjoy toys, new and exciting things, and so on, but I guess I am not so secure in my desirablity to him.
Also, my H would tell you that porn helped quench his desire for other women, but I have noticed that his desire for others has grown over the last couple years, and I think watching all those other women MIGHT have helped fuel that desire so that when a woman who was very aggressive came along, he took it!

I think TTS hit the nail on the head. Porn was one of the reasons my WW was unhappy in our marriage. It wasn't the porn itself, but the fact that I would veiw it behind her back, and exclude her from that part of my sexual life. I think porn can be very destructive if there are already communication problems within th marriage.

TM

I personally don't have a problem with the whole issue unless it were to become an obsession or something. My WH and I used to watch movies and stuff and used toys but if it would have become something he preffered rather than being with me then...there's a problem!!! IMO!!!

Porn shared with the person's spouse is one thing.

Porn that is experienced in secret behind a web of lies and used as a *substitute* for that person's spouse -- and I include strip joints in this definition -- is a completely different thing.

If someone is cutting their spouse out of their life to do *anything,* that is going to cause a problem. Porn is an especially touchy one because then the spouse is cutting their partner out of their sex life -- and how the heck is that going to benefit a *marriage?*

Mulan..I agree.....if it's done in secret...there's a big problem!!!!!!!

There is no problem when it is viewed together and mutually satisfying. I actually like to watch that stuff. However it was not good when my FWH and I got back together and he needed that stuff to want SF with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> then it was a problem. WE have a good size collection of movies, magizines, toys, creams etc. I am pretty open when it comes to that stuff. However not if my H is viewing me as a object instead of his wife. I still need tenderness and intimacy- and if that goes to the way side in place of P*rn then that is where I have the issue.

I understand if a person hides it from their spouse, but sometimes I wonder if the hiding is because some spouses wouldn't even allow any porn even if viewed together.

When I worked in porn my wife never had a problem with what I did for a living. I never was an actor but was in a few movies as an extra (with clothes on btw). I mainly did boom and camera work and knew many actors and actresses both at work and out. My wife even came with me to some of the sets to see how it all worked.

Porn was never a problem for me. I'm not into as much as some of my guy friends were (probably still are?). H and I have been to a strip club (my idea) and we watch movies together. My Dad was relatively open about porn at home...subscribed to Playboy and us kids tried to find the bunny on the front cover (remember those days), always kept the rest from us though. Just normal sexuality. Sex is fun, not wrong. Bodies are beautiful, not dirty.

BUT,

When my H and I met and got M I knew he had a collection and I wasn't bothered by it. We had our first child (DS now 11) and when the young son started to toddle I asked H to keep the magazines up, out of reach, out of sight. When DS learned to work a vcr I asked H to keep the tapes out of the machine and out of reach.

This became a HUGE issue for us. Not only did he NOT keep the items out of sight, it was as though he was keeping them around ON PURPOSE.

OK, OK, it is too easy for me to take things personally, but it was getting out of hand. The more Iasked him to keep it up, the worse he got about it...even to the point of leaving the open bottle of oil out and (warning: graphic) a puddle on the floor.

For years we fought about this. He would make promises (I'll keep the books up, get rid of the tapes, etc.), and repeatedly break them, then deny he made the promise. The internet and hte computer was a whole OTHER issue. Downloading porn and copying to unmarked disks was a constant. We would have a spindle of unmarked disks sitting next to our family computer with over half the disks filled with naked pictures and movies. DS is VERY computer savvy, and it got to be a VERY big problem. He promised he would only use the downstairs computer, would not use the 'family' computer, but I would CONSTANTLY find usage and files copied on the 'family' computer.

He seemed compelled to use porn, couldn't stop. It led to chatting online, cybersex, offering to meet up with girls.

I was made out to be the whining, shrieking shrew when it wasn't a problem at the beginning. I realized this is what he had expected from me all these years...the part I HAD to play in all this was I was NOT supposed to be OK with his porn. He had to feel bad and feel he was getting something over me if it was to 'work' for him. It was the thrill, the guilt, and the shame that made it exciting, not the pictures.

Then he stepped over a line we will never be able to get back to again...he met a girl, fell in love, and went on dates with her.

I found MB, and the rest is history.

I plan Aed, then Plan Bed. We began recovery which included MC and insight into DH's in-your-face behavior all these years. I continued cutting out the YEARS of LBs (and an argument could be made he was using porn as an escape from my tirades) and fulfilling his top ENs. I have made myself worthy of his love, and he's not as willing to lose me.

I asked for him to stop ALL porn usage, and he has complied. It was too big a problem, much like alcoholism. And much like drinking an occasional beer for an alcoholic, I know just a little would be devestating to us/me.

We are happier now. I still check, but don't find it around anymore. I am too precious to lose now.

I would still enjoy some porn, but know I can't do it around him, nor tell him about it...so it is not around any longer. I do not begrudge ANYONE that enjoys it...

***I was made out to be the whining, shrieking shrew when it wasn't a problem at the beginning. I realized this is what he had expected from me all these years...the part I HAD to play in all this was I was NOT supposed to be OK with his porn. He had to feel bad and feel he was getting something over me if it was to 'work' for him. It was the thrill, the guilt, and the shame that made it exciting, not the pictures.***

Very, VERY perceptive.

Hemidart, I think this answers your question about "gee, what if they HAVE to hide it because their mean old spouses won't 'let' them see it otherwise?"

My husband had to hide the strip-joint visits from me, too. Apparently it was just no fun if I knew about it.

I used to watch XXX-movies with H. I told him the occasional strip-bar visit was okay, like for a bachelor party, *as long as I knew about it before it happened.*

Guess what? He started going to strip joints every time he was out of town on a business trip (and these happened often.) Vegas, Chicago, Columbus, Tampa Bay . . . if he's been to the city, he's been to a strip club there, and ALL of it behind my back.

Now please tell me -- is that my fault because "I wouldn't let him have his porn???"
Mulan

Hemi, 1st do you really have a hemi in a dart??

Let me preface what I am about to say by telling you that I am about as sexual as one can get and still maintain employment, outside of the adult film industry that is.

Okay, here's my take... it is obvious that your #1 EN is SF and that is fine, however, it is not everyones. There are many couple where that is far down the list and that is fine as well. While you state that if someone was not secure in their sexuality that it is not healthy and would cause problems I'm quit certain that is not true in many instances.

A wise man told me when I was much younger to make sure that I married someone that I was friends with rather than someone that was good in bed because you'll be friends a lot longer than you'll be lovers. In my case I believe that I have both but it is never-the-less a point well taken.

Always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!

Mulan...NO WAY was that your fault. My WH started going to strip clubs too. It's a choice they made to do what they did. There probably wasn't anything any of us could do to change that. They knew what they were doing was wrong and they chose to do it anyway. Their fault!!!!

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]</small>

I suppose if both people find watching porn a great thing to do together, why not? I think the secretive aspect isn't good, ever.

On the other hand, many women are bothered by it. My husband looked at and enjoyed porn when we were apart, but he hasn't looked at it since we've reconciled. I'm glad. He says he hasn't even thought of it. He didn't look at it much before earlier in our marriage, either. (before the problems, A, divorce...)

It seems to me it's like any habit that's hard to break. I'd rather eat chocolate than exercise. Better to relax with porn than do something less stimulating, right? Porn is so easy now to access, it makes the temptation much greater. I think if anyone gets the urge to waste time by looking at porn, then he/she should just ask themself if this is the sort of person they want to be. It seems like a supreme waste of time.

I think that when you're part of a couple your sexual energies should be spent on/with your partner. It seems self-centered to focus on images and 'get off' without including your partner.

As for strip clubs, the same thing.

It's funny, when I was a young lass in my twenties this stuff bothered me less. I guess because I looked like the girls in the porn/clubs, it wasn't a threat. Now that I'm well into my forties I see it as especially threatening/insulting.

Funny what time will do to our minds and our bods.

HP

Mr E

I have two Darts...a 68 with a /6 and a 1970 Swinger with a 340. Someday I want to turn the 68 into a Hemi Dart clone if I ever get my hands on a Race Hemi. I love Darts...

Don't mean to get us off the sex talk but it does kind of go with hot rods... the first car I bought for myself when I was a pup was a 1970 Cuda with a 340 in it. I had a friend that had one with the Hemi. Even though mine didn't it ran like a stripped @ss ape.

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For me, porn was used as a release, since sf was not a big part of our life (every 6 to 8 weeks) and I got tired of rejection, It helped so I didn't look elsewhere. Because an A was not an option in my mind, it is just what I turned to. I would much prefer to have a sex life with W but since that was not an option, That is where I looked. does that sound wrong? I am not addicted to it, just kept me from looking elsewhere. unlike WW!(oops did I say that)

I think Ive always been into porn ever since I hit puberty. I am very open about it with my wife and she is ok with it. Ive been to strip clubs with her permission and shes even been to a male review. Its all about openness and honesty. For me Maturbating to porn is a totally different thing from sex.

Its a different ballgame. Its not a substitution or even a guilty pleasure.I do know that I would never hide it from my wife and If she asked me to stop I would drop it like a bad habbit. My wife happily gives me a lot off freedom and liberty that most wives dont. My situation is a lot like the one StillHereMakingIt described except I dont overstep the boundries.

sounds like her husband just totally abused his freedom.