New poster here; if you don't yet know my story, I'm a WW, had DDay about a month ago (EA and PA 7 months, though I also had worked closely with OM for a number of years prior to the A). I'm trying to work through the fog, had posted a few days ago about the confusion I was feeling upon finding out that, true to his "word," OM is seeking a D and wishes for us to be together. I know, I know. And yes, I'm running the other way, though it's tough at times to do so. I learned of this through some limited work-related contact I'd had with OM since DDay (all four occasions were either by phone or email, with H cc:d and/or in the room when the communication took place).

But knowing how important it is I cut out any even business contact with OM, I am now trying to work on NC so that my unbelieveably forgiving H and I can focus on rebuilding our M. I know that what I did is beyond hideous, and while I also can tell I'm still in the fog, I really, truly want to work on my marriage. I want for H and I to be happy together again. I've already done so much to hurt him and/or not be available to him, and yet he's been so steadfast with me in spite of it all. I hope I can get past this incredibly selfish and self-centerd mindset of mine and finally be the loving W my H deserves.

I'm also realizing, largely through the very frank and passionate advice I have received from posters here -- THANK YOU, all of you, for that -- how much of my recovery depends on my ability to be happy on my own; that is, to not look to another person to "make" me happy. Sure, OM helped inspire some changes in me to this effect, but without question, I was definitely "seeing" OM as my "source" of happiness, which I now realize was completely wrong. I need to take responsibility for my goals and aspirations, and CHOOSE to be a loving, contented, and happy person. That only when I can achieve this deep-seated, genuine inner contendedness will I be able to fully open myself back up to the man I chose to marry 14 years ago. H is already there and waiting; now the rest is up to me.

It's a good revelation to be having, as it's my first "non-fog" thought since this whole thing began.

But it's given me a pause for reflection, and I would love your thoughts on this philosophical question.

Speaking hypothetically, if a person is truly happy, regardless of their situation (i.e. no longer thinking "if only I had a nicer home, better job, etc. etc....), would that person technically be happy regardless of who they're with, assuming their partner is similarly genuinely happy and balanced? If the onus is on all of us to be whole, balanced, contented individuals so that we can be honerable partners to our mate, how then, does one go about determining who is or isn't the right person for them? I think my original criteria for choosing a mate had to do with his making me "feel happy," and "feel desired." But with that wrongful mindset removed, what should a person look for instead? Again, assuming everyone they encounter is similarly whole, balanced, contented, etc.

This is not a question pertaining to my current situation -- believe me, I know OM is NOT my partner, my H is. But I'm asking this on a grander scale. If we all manage to reach that state of total internal contentedness, would it matter less who we end up marrying, assuming that person was, at the very least, a kind and responsible and happy person themselves? At that point, how would you "know" when YOUR mate came along, if you're no longer using that "he makes me so happy" as your guide?

Oatmeal

Marriage is a relationship which requires the support and respect of both parties. You can love anyone but if no one loves you in a marital relationship, then holding onto a M like that w/b equivalent to holding onto to someone by one arm while they are dangling off the side of your car. Once that car takes off, someone's gotta give. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So can you just marry anyone? I think not. On the other hand....this 'soul mate' theory is not 100% accurate either. The euphoria the A gives to the soul mate theory is evidence that it doesn't work. Love is not only euphoric, it is a deep lasting commitment and relationship that goes beyond shallow fantasy feelings.

BTW, quite proud of your ability to see past the fog. All the best to you and your H in recovery. As for the OM, he sounds like a real loser.

JMHO,
L.

Your story pulls at my heart as I too was a WW. By the way, the exOM had divorce papers, and he moved 400 miles to live near me, away from his wife. Big deal. By the time I ended it with him, his divorce wasn't progressing at all. I was by that time divorced, and as far as I know he moved back to his wife. Just FYI to remind you that things aren't exactly as the OM presents them.

Abraham Lincoln said something like, "People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

I think that's true to a large extent. However, I know that when my husband and I (we're now remarried) were apart those 3.5 years I wasn't very happy. I saw the effects of my infidelity and our separation on everyone in my life. My children disliked me, I could see it in their eyes. They knew I caused the separation/divorce. I didn't like looking in the mirror. My horrible choice and mistake struck to the very core of who I am.

I think when we make good choices in life, we are happier. I'm speaking of good choices for our own behavior. That would include choosing a partner who complements our personality, and loves us when the times are rough. I don't think we could marry just anyone, no way.

It's good to recognize the fog moments you still have. In a few years you'll perhaps be like me in your thinking. I rarely look back at the times with exOM (it ended 2.5 years ago) and if I do I see him for a lying, manipulative man. I was a fool. He played me like a fiddle, saying and doing the things I thought I needed. He knew what I craved, and that's what he did. It worked for awhile. I was truly crazy during the affair. I actually thought we were soul mates. Blaa!!!! Now I see I was used, and he enjoyed destroying my marriage and family.

Sorry to veer off. I must add that during the 3.5 years my husband and I were apart we did learn more about ourselves, and our marriage is stronger than ever. Maybe that's the only good that came of it, if anything 'good' at all.

HP

oatmeal... you're doing the right thing. It's so rare.

Human beings possess innate desires for companionship, support, sex, etc., that for most of us are best satisfied by a permanent partner.

Pairing up with somebody you're attracted to, who has similar philosophies, ambitions, interests, etc., simply makes it easier for the two of you to satisfy these needs for each other. It makes those behaviors more "second nature" I suppose.

And having those desires satisfied regularly makes you happier, no doubt, than not.

I think the most important thing is to have someone who knows what you need, and is willing to give it to you, and in return to have a corresponding knowledge of and generosity toward your partner.

If I find somebody new in my life, I'll decide whether or not I want her to be there permanently based on whether she gives me those things, and shows a desire to continue doing so, and vice-versa, not on whether we have the same favorite color and both remember really liking a certain episode of "Three's Company".

How 'bout that?

GC

Orchid...

I hate to get in on someone else's post but...

I do have another thread going... but...

You mention:
You can love anyone but if no one loves you in a marital relationship, then holding onto a M like that w/b equivalent to holding onto to someone by one arm while they are dangling off the side of your car. Once that car takes off, someone's gotta give. So can you just marry anyone? I think not.

I think I might be in this situation...

I know people will tell me it is just the fogtalk or whatever... But I really truly think that my wife thinks she married me for the wrong reasons... she says that she liked me... but that she was not supposed to marry me... but that she wanted out from under her parents... she says that she has been acting all these years... just thought that she would have to live life like this for ever... so she went ahead and had kids with me anyway... but a few years ago she shut down on me... and now she has gotten up the courage to tell me how it is...


What should I do... set her free... make her life miserable... live without love for the rest of my life...

I don't really know what makes sense...

You can come over to my thread if you want to answer...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=036175;p=8

DH,

I went over to your thread and scanned all 8 pages. Wow.

I put my post to you there.

L.