Just curious about everyone's thoughts on this.

Could my WH truly be happy with OW and have no regrets? Could he never wish to come back to me? I think about this a lot. I don't want him back but I have to admit that it really hurts to think that he is so happy and never even thinks of being with me again.
I wonder if he misses me at all. I wish these thoughts would just go away!!!
Just wondering what other people thought about this.

TreeReich,

I think it doesn't matter whether he misses you or not, because nothing's going to changed based on whether or not he misses you.

I *do* think that wondering these things from time to time is normal. I think it bothers you (as it would bother anyone) because it is such a blow to the ego, self image, and confidence - just one more facet of the infidelity "package".

I also think that this is your way of grieving the dream. The "what might have been". When you're done grieving that, you'll not wonder nor care any more.

I think you're healing.

Of course he misses you and thinks about you, probably right now.

Whether people understand or not, your spouse is a part of your soul.

Turtlehead...
I look forward to the day when I don't care anymore. Yes, I agree...I do think I'm healing!

destroyed man.... You brought a tear to my eye. They are a part of our soul. I will always have a place in my heart for my WH. I miss the man that he was long ago.

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]</small>

TR.

I want to thank you for accepting froz around here. You were one of the first to ever reply to her. Thank you.

If he misses you is irrelevent if you and he are no longer together. I understand that it hurts if he does not. Does it help if he does? Really? He has caused you pain and he knows it. He will regret that. You may never know it but he will, unless of course he is someone like Dahmer or something.

You are a good person. If you left here, I know we would miss you.

sorry... I seem to be all about helping today. Point is your statement seems to be a hurt ego talking. That I understand and am here to tell you that you are not a bad or lowly sort. You replied to my wife when she needed help. For that, you are golden with me.

Patriot.....You made me cry! I'm so happy to know that I may have helped someone else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he misses you is irrelevent if you and he are no longer together. I understand that it hurts if he does not. Does it help if he does? Really? He has caused you pain and he knows it. He will regret that. You may never know it but he will, unless of course he is someone like Dahmer or something. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right....NO, it doesn't matter I guess. In a way I think it would make me feel better if I knew he did. It really is a blow to the ego.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are a good person. If you left here, I know we would miss you.

sorry... I seem to be all about helping today. Point is your statement seems to be a hurt ego talking. That I understand and am here to tell you that you are not a bad or lowly sort. You replied to my wife when she needed help. For that, you are golden with me. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much....you have made me feel really good!!!!

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]</small>

TreeReich - I totally understand the additional pain and grief that comes with thinking that perhaps your WS is having the time of his/her life with the OP. In my case, my H left for a woman who has three kids (the biggest draw was the children), who lies through her teeth, has a major spending problem, and displays histrionic personality disorders (e.g., she breast-fed another woman's baby in front of 12 shocked people (including me) at a party). I have my moments thinking that he sees her as being fun and exciting as opposed to me who is stable and even. Sooner or later, fun and exciting becomes inappropriate and embarrassing, however. Real life begins to overtake the drug-induced stupor that a full-blown affair brings on. I think you need to ask yourself if, in fact, you are done with your marriage. If not, perhaps a legal separation is in order to protect your finances, but holding off on the divorce. Did you have a good relationship with your H while you were married?

Tree:

I’m not a betting man, but if I had to lay odds I would say there is a 99.99% chance that your husband, at least occasionally, misses you.

He will miss the good times that you had together, he will remember the way you looked in your wedding dress, what he felt when he lifted your veil and gave you that kiss, he will miss the friends that you two used to have, and he will miss the security and the familiarity of sleeping in the same bed as his spouse.

No matter how fogged someone is, occasionally a ray of sunlight will penetrate, it is during those moments of clarity that the enormity of the betrayal and the realization that one has lost their integrity crystallizes. It may only happen for a brief instant, but believe me, it happens.

Some WS will do anything to not think about what they have done, they will run and hide an bury themselves with distractions (OP, alcohol, drugs, porn, exercise . . .); for others the realization will drag on them, will dig into their psyche and poison the relationship with the OP. I hope the latter happens with your situation if you still wish to reconcile.

I once thought that the best gift my wife ever gave me was herself when she agreed to marry me. To give herself to me again after I betrayed her . . . I really don’t have the words to express what I'm trying to say.

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

TreeReich,
I wonder at times if my exWW ever thinks about me also. I don't know. The things I do know are these things...

1. exWW and OM fought like crazy. WW got so mad she wrecked her truck and she also called the police on OM for drinking and driving. We rarely ever fought and the only time I can remember ever raising my voice to her was during the time she was having her affair...

2. exWW and OM are no longer together! Apparently things weren't as great as she thought they'd be. She'll never admit to that though, I'm sure...

3. exWW now has a profile on a dating service. Hmm....Don't know what to say about that one!

4. exWW now has some big financial problems. She may have to take in a roommate. I guess I wasn't a good enough roommate for her when we were together. I wonder how she feels now...

You know, there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of exWW, but my life is not any worse off without her. I'm not sure if I'd want to work things out even if she were to want to. I kinda enjoy being single, but it is kinda lonely. Anyway, I hope you find your happiness with yourself. We may never know the answers to how our WSs are feeling, but I know I can survive and I know you can survive without them...

Thanks to all of your for responding.
I just wonder why he continues to try to contact me for little things. If he was so happy then why would he care what I was doing. I guess I may never know.
I honestly don't want him back. I do mourn the loss of my marriage and the man that I loved but I do not wish to reconcile. I wanted that so bad early on but now I realize I'm better off withourt him. He's not the man I need him to be in this marriage and don't think he ever could be.

Tree, I have the same feelings except, in my WH's case, because of his terrible health problems, I feel sorry for him. We are also separated but not heading for divorce yet. I find myself in limbo. I cannot imagine that we will reconcile because I can't believe he will be able to help me with MY recovery. It is all about him. And yet, I just can't get to the point where I want to divorce him (almost 1 yr from DDay - is that too soon?). It seems so final and harsh on my children, and yet he started the mess. Like everything in our marriage, it will be me who has to make the decision eventually and it is such a tough call. In a way, I almost wish he'd serve me the papers and put an end to this misery. AAAGGGGHHH (PMS doesn't help either!)

TT...
I guess the difference in our situations is that I fought to save my marriage and my WH wasn't interested....then he filed for divorce and wouldn't even hear of fighting for us. He moved out 3 days after D-Day. I never even got the chance!!! BOOM>>>>>>he was gone!!!!!

It is very hard on the children. It saddens me that my son's life is forever changed because of my Wh's selfishness! I guess I need to start calling him my STBX not my WH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm a man who can't stand to admit he is wrong. I have ended a few relationships, only to regret it later. In fact, when my wife and I were dating, I broke up with her due to my fear of commitment. Fortunately, she could see through my fear and let me come back. My point is, your XH might be that kind of man. Maybe he has this voice in the back of his mind that says "you screwed up." Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side, and sometimes its just the way the light shines on it.
Mo'

Tree...I'm in a posting atmosphere tonight and what I have to say may not help nor make any sense. I think the WS often thinks about the BS; but so many times even when there is talk of reconciliation the WS remains in a fog because they cannot see the devastation they have brought into our lives because the OP constantly clouds the "big picture". My WS frequently talks to me about "working things out" but continues to hold on to the OP. I am healing and have no desire to tear the scabs from my wounds. As long as the OP is in the picture I feel that a WS who talks about reconciliation is struggling to find a way to "have it both ways". The next time you want to know whether or not your WS ever thinks about you.....just ask I think you may be surprised at the answer.

((((((((((TR)))))))))))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are right....NO, it doesn't matter I guess. In a way I think it would make me feel better if I knew he did. It really is a blow to the ego.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I used to think I would feel better if I knew my H missed me also. Well, I got my wish - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> - H has been calling, and leaving messages....."I miss you" "I was thinking about you" "I still love you."

But he is still unwilling to commit to me (even though OW is not longer in the picture) and do what is necessary to work on the M. In fact he still tells me that he doesn't feel bad for his EA because he didn't have sex with her.

So how do I feel, knowing that he misses me, but is unwilling to commit and do what is right. Emotionally stuck. Because I have been allowing that small little piece to hope that he will 'come to his senses' - that 'I might be important enough to him'. And it stalls the healing process for me.

So, no.....it doesn't make things easier, better, nicer, or happier. It actually makes them worse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And now, I am going to have to meet with him Sun night to say "Either we commit and do what's necessary - or we end it altogether." And that's so darned difficult to do when it's not at all what you want.

You did the right thing when you just said 'goodbye.' He must be responsible for his own choices. And he is making his choice. He knows somewhere in his heart that being with you would be better - healthier - etc. But it would also involve giving up his false sense of self pride, control, and being 'right.' And he might not be able to face that self-effacing pain right now.

His OW is nothing more than a drug right now.....a 'coping' mechanism. She keeps him numb. She keeps him distracted. She keeps him away from reality. Part of him likes that - part of him needs that....to protect himself from the pain he will endure if he faces his true self, and the consequences of his actions.

What's the main reason drug abusers keep using? Because they are afraid of reality, and afraid of the withdrawal. Your H is 'using' right now. Is he truly happy? NO. If he were truly happy, he would realize happiness came from within. And he clearly doesn't realize much right now!

I agree with everyone that you are grieving your M right now. I am right there with you, my friend. I miss the man my H used to be. I miss the committment he once had to me. I miss the sensitive, understanding, caring man I thought he was. And it's so hard because I know he's lurking somewhere in there. But alcohol is my H's OW right now......and he's not willing to give her up. So I must be the strong one, and grieve the M.

You will get through this. You are a sensitive, caring, devoted, loving, and admirable person, TR. It shows throughout each one of your posts. Take pride in that, and realize that your H is just too wrapped up in himself to know which end is up. You will find someone who will love you in the way you deserve to be loved. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> In the meantime, remember to love yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />