Maybe there is someone out there that can help me overcome the attraction (potential adultery)between my store manager and I. This attraction has lasted for 15 months (since the store opened in my town). I know he feels the attraction but to what extent I cannot tell. We do not discuss this, but there are the casual brushings against each other, the small talk, the winks, the smiles, the touches, etc. I know it is progressing at an alarming rate and I now lead a double life. I know my husband no longer fulfills my needs and I try hard to fulfill his, but everything seems to be spiraling down the drain. Help. Advice please. I cannot handle this on my own and I cannot seem to discuss this with my husband.

Oh my dear - you are headed into some scary territory.

You know what you need to do, you need to quit your job. I know that's what you don't want to hear but it's the truth.

You say you can't tell your husband? Why? What's going on at home as far as needs not being met?

BTW, welcome and sorry that you are here but this is the best place to be for support for people in your sort of stitch.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know my husband no longer fulfills my needs and I try hard to fulfill his</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your marriage needs a large dose of fully honest disclosure!

If you want to stop your life from the on-comming disaster ... discuss this problem in it's entirety with your husband. And don't leave anything out.

If you stop the secrecy between you and your husband, your marriage has a chance of improving to the point of being wonderful!

You cannot feel attraction to or enjoy intimacy with with your husband ... while you are holding secrets.

You must disclose what's going on ... and POJA a solution with your husband.

This dishonest lifestyle does not suit you very well, does it. I think not.

Every day you make a choice to be an honest woman, or a dishonest woman ... to the man who you swore vows with.

What say you?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Your choices:

(A) Don't quit your job; have an A with your boss; start dreaming of the life you and he would have; wander around in a dream state, spinning your wheels for a couple of years; have your H find out; have the most horrendous feeling you have ever experienced; live 2 or 3 months in sheer agony; have you H go into a deep depression; see your life turned upside down; realize that you were only one in a long string of other women you boss f****d; try to reconcile with your H; have more horrendous fights. After 3 years of pure hell, flip a coin: Heads you get divorced and regret the mess you made; or tails you work it out with your H and spend the rest of your life with guilt and sadness.

OR

(B) Tell your H that your M is in big trouble; demand you get Marriage counseling and refuse to take "NO" for an answer; spend six months working on your M, and end up with a better, more fulfilling relationship with your H.


You have 5 minutes.

Jimmy, applause, applause.

Ho boy, did you hit the nail on the head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I second everything Jimmy said. You have a chance to salvage everything. The misery and the pain of going down the path you're on for EVERYONE is unbelievably bad.

Jen (FWW)

I must agree. The pain and suffering of my marriage would have been avoided if my wife had hit me with a 2X4 early on. Tell him what you feel, but IMHO leave out the manager at work part. Paranoia can make a man do stupid things. I could be wrong.
Mo'

Need to add get a new job and second is manager marrried. If yes why would you want a guy who is a cheat?? I'd rather have a man that loved me and was faithful. The pain of a W or H cheating is the worst pain in the world and I would never do that to another. My WH tore my guts out and stomped all over them. It was a death in me that hurts more than I could ever put into words. He was the one I loved and enjoyed my life with, my best friend. Do NOT do this walk away - get another job.

Quit your job now!!! Make an appointment with a counsler then sit your husband down.

Tell him you quit your job because you had feelings for your boss. Tell him it scared you because you love your husband. He may get upset but he WILL respect you for the honesty.

I cannot decribe to you the pain that you will put your husband (and eventually yourself) if you take the wrong path. I have been there and it is horrible, beyond words.

Don't have an affair. Please, please don't do it!!!!!

From reading your post I will assume that you have not had an A yet. I say that because it is an important fact for what I am about to tell you.

You do not have to quit your job. If it is a good job, then there is no reason right now. Yes, you are in dangerous territory, but the truth is you seem to be guilty of only hiding an attraction from your H.

I see quiting your job as running away from a problem, and by default, not dealing with it. You have done something I wish( and will wish forever) I would have done. You sought help to do the right thing before you went and destroyed your relationship.

Honesty. Openness. Disclosure. You must discuss all of this with your H no matter how angry it makes him or how embarrassed you might feel. However, along with the story of the attraction you can tell your H how much your M means to you and show him that you have taken steps to do the right thing before you "hit the iceberg", so to say.

If you had participated in an A with this fellow, then you would have given up this right and would be hearing me say quit as well. But as it stands you have a real opportunity here. Read what is on this site as far as Keys to a Good Marriage and what the Policy of Joint Agreement is. The fact is, without an A in the relationship, the principles professed here are just plain smart and useful. That is to say, this site would be great for people just married that have NO bad history yet.

Make a solid boundary with the store manager. You are not interested. He won't stop? Bosses have bosses too... so go talk to that person to make this guy stop. Readical honsety with your H. Always give him the chance to fulfill your needs, but you must communicate them. Maybe numerous times. If your M is worth everything to you, then you will always give your H an chance to fulfill your needs.

Please don't become a WS. I've been there. It sucks. Forgiving even yourself is damn near impossible.

I do have a wonderful job and there is no way I can afford to quit what I have strived so hard to achieve. Thanks, patriot92 for understanding that part. The manager, yes he is married, and yes, he wars with the same feelings I do. Just the other day, he spent more time around me than he normally does. It is daunting and my immediate supervisor (who is a pastor and I have confided in, although not revealed who my EA is with) helps me tremendously. It is a battle that I fight and I need encouragement PLEASE!! My manager and I never talk about what we feel, but I know sooner or later it will come forth and must be dealt with. The more encouragement I receive, the stronger and braver I will be to tell him that our relationship will never go beyond the professional level and never will be "just friends".. no matter how much we long for it to be different. Please just be here for me, guys, whenever I feel the urge to break down and commit my A... An EA is bad enough.

Daphn910,

I agree with every word patriot 92 said – very good post! The fact that you haven’t yet allow yourself to engage in an A and the fact that you decided to seek help before acting on the temptation, is very significant and shows that you have the necessary strength, will-power, awareness, self-discipline (and other qualities) to help you get through this without necessarily quitting your job… Also, the fact that you feel attracted to this man DOESN’T mean you are a weak person who will NOT be able to resist the temptation. You can still control your actions in spite of your feelings –but then you must continue to exercise will-power and self-discipline and you will overcome this (I have been there myself so I know it can be done! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

However, it’s very important for you to be honest and open to your H and tell him about this. Honesty and openness in a M and sharing your temptations with your spouse, will help you not to act on your attractions to the opposite sex. The fact is, there will ALWAYS be attractions between men and women, especially in the workplace where people work closely together all the time… IMO the solution is not to quit a job and run away every time there is a temptation or attraction (then people will be busy changing jobs all the time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), but in stead to exercise honesty and openness, will-power and self-discipline not to act on those attractions and temptations. This is how we mature, grow, become stronger people and learn to control ourselves. The world is full of temptations no matter where we go and how far we're trying to run away from it... You see, you might quit your job today because of the attraction to this co-worker, but in future you might become attracted again to another man in another job etc. etc. Must you change your job EVERY time there is an attraction or temptation? How are you going to learn to set boundaries and handle your feelings if you have to run away every time? Can you see what I’m saying? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 02:07 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Daphn910,

Something else I want to share with you. It's from an article about emotional infidelity at work:

HOW TO KEEP TEMPTATION AT ARM'S LENGTH

There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:

* Stay honest with your partner. ''Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. ''Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations.'' That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.

* Monitor your marriage. ''Realize if there is something missing,'' says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. ''Be willing to try to fix it.'' Assess whether needs are being met.

* Stay alert for temptations. ''Be very careful of getting involved in the first place,'' Young says. ''Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.''

* Don't flirt. ''That is how affairs start,'' says Bonnie Eaker Weil, whose Web site, www.makeupdontbreakup .com, features tips for preventing infidelity. ''Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.''

* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. ''Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time,'' psychologist Shirley Glass says.

* Beware of the lure of the Internet. ''Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office,'' Young says. ''There is safety behind the computer screen.''

* Keep old flames from reigniting. ''If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with one,'' Glass says. Invite your partner along.

* Value the intimacy of your marriage. ''Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible,'' Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman says. ''You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.''

* Make sure your social network supports marriage. ''Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around,'' Glass says.

My H had an A with his office manager. If you were to talk to him he would say that it was the biggest mistake of his life. He just called to wish me a happy valentine's day and I said, "Well, this year is a lot better than last year." His reply, "I don't even want to think about last year." You see last year OW was finishing off her last month of working for him because he fired her, at my insistance. My H also told me yesterday that he wishes he could let people really understand the pain of adultery, because if people could really get it, they would never have an A.

I recommend that you go out today and buy the book "Not Just Friends". That book shows exactly how these work As get going. DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS WITH THIS MAN! That is the kiss of death. Listen to me on this one. As soon as you verbalize your feelings you are way crossing the line. Once you cross that line, you'll think it's OK to maybe give each other a little hug. Pretty soon the hug will turn into a kiss, than making out, then screwing. By the way, our little OW was into the winking, major flirting, talking about her M problems, initiating feeling talk, etc.

You have a choice. You can indulge yourself in your fantasy world and feel like you are getting all your needs met now, and then you can live your hell later. Or you can face the reality that's happening in your M now, and hopefully have a better M. You never solve M problems by bringing a 3rd person into the M.

I give you a lot of credit for coming here. Talk to your H, not this man. Not only will you be inflicting major pain onto him, your children if you have any, but also to the OM and his W. Do you want that on your head? I still hate the OW that tried to break up our M. I've never hated anyone in my life before. Good luck and keep posting! CV