I don't get many replies but I'm going to try again with these couple of questions(thank you to those that do reply).

Today I had my session with the IC. He's been trying to get me to bring my H in but he won't go. During this session I bought up the voice recorder I used to record one of his conversations with the OW and how he vented to her about me. Well this IC doesn't think I should even bring up the OW when I talk to my WH. He says it will cause him to be angry with me. To me, being angry is part of the MB concepts. Should I find another IC? I don't have much of a support group and I really need to talk to someone. Would it be ok if I confided with my MIL?

To my other question... when should I plan B? I'm suppose to have a cut off date for plan A but I'm getting fed up with my WH. Everything he does and says annoys me. I'm trying not to be a smart a** and LB.

I cook dinner - he says I didn't make something the right way or he doesn't like it.
I ask what he wants to drink - he says he'll get it himself.
I try to make conversation - he pays attention to something else and ignores me.
We get on both or our nerves just being around each other.

I am trying to work on myself but whatever I do I need him to watch our DD. We commute to work together so the only other time we don't see each other is when we're at work. I don't know how much longer I can handle him being around all the time. I want to work on myself without him around.

So what do you think???

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: much mahal ]</small>

Hello Mahal,

Well according to your sig you are still very new and very raw right now. Let me just say to read all you can here to try and help yourself. I'm no pro and hopefully some veterans will be along.

As for your questions:

#1 Should you get a new IC? Well that depends on a few things. Is your IC pro-marriage? Is he willing to help you change yourself to save your M, as well as protect you during this troubling time? Also I would have to agree with your IC right now. Do not mention the OW to your WH right now. Do as little relationship talk that you can right now. Just be in Plan A, you have read about it right? Show your WH the best wife in the world. Don't talk about the M or his A unless he initiates. Just be the absolute best you can be.

#2 Well on the website here it says that Plan B should only be done after a strong Plan A (remember there is no perfect Plan A). As for a timeline they say 3 months for a woman and 6 months for a man. I don't know why the difference between the genders.

Why do you want to work on you by yourself? Maybe you could post here what you have identified in yourself that you need to change and some of the good folks here could maybe help you with it. Just a thought.

Read all you can here!!

Native

Hi navtive00,

My IC is pro-marriage.. he's wanted me to bring my WH in our last 3 session but it won't happen. I've told him the things that I was working to help the M based on the 4 sessions of MC my WH and I had. The only LBing i've done since he told me he wanted a D was the R talk.. I no longer do that. I told him I was thinking about having him move out. He understood the frustration I am going thru but doesn't think that separation is a good idea because I'll be on my own financially with the house. He said maybe you should sleep in separate rooms. But I don't want to do that... that would be the case if we had an argument.

I think i've been the best wife I can be (w/o the affection/SF part of it) but I guess I need to keep at it. Its tough...am I suppose to keep my anger inside until the 6 month mark?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why do you want to work on you by yourself? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought part of plan A is not only to make yourself a better spouse and remove the LBs but also to work on yourself?! I'm trying not to depend on him but its difficult when we are always around each other all the time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Maybe you could post here what you have identified in yourself that you need to change and some of the good folks here could maybe help you with it. Just a thought.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said I was too dependent on him (I wanted him to come with me when buying groceries/shopping)--I try not to ask him anymore. If there is something we need one of us will do it.

He said I always expressed a sense of urgency to get something done--I don't ask anymore.. we didn't even get to decorate the baby's room before she came, but oh well.

I always started arguments because of our finances. I wanted his help. I was very good with my money but then I had to take on his debt, find money for the wedding, reception, and the house. I put us on a budget-- now I barely care about saving money. (This is the only thing he needs me for because I take care of all our finances.)

I didn't cook much so we ate out a lot-- now I'm always planning something for dinner.

I always talked about R talk--i've only done this 4 times since he told me he wanted the D (in oct).

I've done a total 180 with all his LBs, I think. I'm frustrated with him. he is selfish and inconsiderate. I don't know how much longer I can keep the anger in since I see him ALL the time.

I would plan B ASAP! You have to protect yourself!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would plan B ASAP! You have to protect yourself! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I? Anyone else think so?

My thought would be to get yourself stronger, and ready for Plan B. Detach, and start working on what you will need for Plan B. Save some money if possible. Clearly you need to go to Plan B soon. Otherwise you are apt to go ballistic.

When you are going crazy, come here and post. We understand. If you don't get a lot of replies, post to your own thread. I used to do that a lot.

^

I agree that you need to prepare for Plan B.

Exposure needs also to be done.

Plan A is to show the WS that your home will be a safe place should he decide to end the affair. Has that been accomplished?

You have a three month old baby. You need to be strong emotionally to take care of that baby. And living under the conditions you currently are cannot be good for mommy.

I would do as Believer has suggested and get your ducks in a row.

Post your exposure plan and Plan B letter here first.

It sounds to me that you have done a very, very good Plan A so far.

Thanks weaver and believer... I will continue to build the strength especially for our DD. We share a lot of the responsilibities around the house as well as for our DD.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Exposure needs also to be done.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't done this because its only an EA and I don't have much to go on besides the voice recorder and cell phone records. He confides with OW about problems in our M and hasn't done so with me. I was able to see that he talked to the OW everday during the 2 week period he was home with the baby. So I know they practically talk everyday when he is at work.

I didn't think this would be enough for exposure (or is it?) so I was going to wait until the next time he is home to record his conversation again(this friday). The OW has spring break at the end of March. I'm going to see if they plan on meeting during that time and expose after.

But what if I don't have anything else to go on. Do I expose what I know so far? Plan B should not be implemented right after I expose, huh?!

MM,

I would advise you not sit and wait for them to meet..once an EA becomes an EA/PA [which is what they will be meeting for] you have a whole new bucket of worms to deal with.

The very same reservations that you have about exposing..will continue to follow you. You will keep pushing the line just beyond what he is doing because you are afraid of the consequences.

Exposure works..it is an important part of plan A.

Please do reconsider,

Noodle

Noodle... I do want to expose but I'm not sure what I have to expose will be sufficient. Do I have enough evidence to justify the EA so he can end his "friendship"? Oh, another one of his LBs is that I put words in his mouth... so I don't want to do that.

I exposed with no evidence..and formally so.

My H wasn't resisting me though..so expose what you KNOW..how many phone calls..irrelevent and explainable..here's the heart of the matter.

H has a relationship with a woman that I am uncomfortable with..he is aware that I am uncomfortable with it and pursues it all the same. This relationship exculdes me..in fact, it is largely hidden from me. I feel this is inappropriate and putting our marriage at risk.

Can't argue with that.

Noodle

Well said noodle! I hope you don't mind if I say it like that with more added. I've actually expressed my concern with my MIL and one of my friends/his coworker. My MIL knew nothing of my WHs R with the exGF/OW so now she understands why he is unhappy.

I will probably expose to his close friend at work and his sister. Who else should I expose to? So far I have the few people he usually talks to.

Now if they ask how I know I know he is talking to her... do I tell them about checking his cell phone records?

That is none of their business. It is not yet an issue of proof..and don't get snared trying to prove yourself.

The issue is..you are uncomfortable with this relationship and H doesn't care. He values this relationship more than he values your peace of mind. Conversation with this woman is higher on the priority list than his wife. 'Nuff said.

That is exposure..because it isn't UP for negotiation..if he only calls her 3 times a day instead of 12..it matters not. I would not even ALLOW him to draw me into discussion of the details..and the how do you knows..that is a smoke screen. You know..you don't like it. What he plans to do about it is the only answer you are interested in.

I get so frustrated reading [so often..you are sooo not alone in this] the BS mantra of how will I prove/explain this to WS. Since when does the person betraying you get to demand answers?

In this regard..I say screw them..make your plan and carry it out. Exposure is part of plan A. Expose what you KNOW.

Noodle