Well. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Another A.

We're not gonna make it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Don't know your story, but you sound like you're in pain.
{{{{{{NCWalker}}}}}}
Mo'

Hey NC... I'm sorry to hear about this... We're here for you if you want to talk about it...

Semper Fi,
RIF

So sorry NC... damned sorry to hear this. The horror.

GC

NCW, that is very bad news. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Is it the same guy?

I-ville is still up and running and we're still the same Idiots and just as supportive as we always were.

So sorry, NCW.

Jen

Oh NC I am so sorry....I cannot imagine the horror....

Another A..the abomination that causes desolation.

No words, just prayers br'a.

{{{{NCW}}}}

No. It is a new OM. Old OM lost interest some time ago.

Get this. Current OM is divorced and his wife cheated on him. You would think that would help his decision process.

I have been struggling mightily to be the best husband I could be and turn this marriage around. RAP just wasn't interested. She wouldn't come out and say she wanted a divorce. Maybe she didn't (doesn't).

My wiser eyes from the previous experience picked up on this pretty quick and I caught them in a hotel room last night.

My heart is breaking for my 3DS. They are the ones who will ultimately pay.

Can't sleep at all tonight. The pain is unbearable and I have suffered it so many times now.

I saw somewhere about a month ago the following line:

"I it is possible to give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."

That pretty much sums it up. She couldn't give. Anything.

I feel like I am worthless. To have two other guys chosen over me. To have failed my sons so.

As always, I will turn to the Lord and draw strenght. ROM 8:28 is a little unbelievable right now, but I will not allow myself to falter in my faith.

I want to tell my sons what their mother has done to me. To let them know I did my best. I can't bring myself to be that spiteful. I threw all her stuff on the lawn tonight. Told her if she didn't want the boys to know (they were asleep) that she better come get it. She did. I already feel bad about that.

Makes me feel like a big wuss, not standing up for myself. I will let her explain to them why she is not staying in the home anymore. They could have a worse mom.

Of course all this hits at decision time for my next job (still unemployed). It doesn't feel like I have gotten a break since some time in 2003. A long and painful road.

NCW

Hey NC - I'm praying for you... I know that God will get you and your boys though all of this.

As for the feelings of worthlessnes... Don't let your wife or those OM define YOUR worth. You have fought that good fight here and have given more than you were required to give... RAP chose not to accept your gift.

Protect your boys and protect your self... I'll be around, but have a meeting to run to right now... post here or you can get my e-mail at rif902000@yahoo.com

Hang in there... God will get you through all of this...

Semper Fi,
RIF

(((((((NC))))))

Sure wish I hadn't logged on to see this, this morning.

Speachless and very, very sorry for you.

This is not a reflection of you.

The only thing I can offer you is for you to start praying NC. Praying hard for God to take away your pain. He knows it is deep, and will take it away if you ask Him too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like I am worthless. To have two other guys chosen over me. To have failed my sons so. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NCW/M: I can understand why you feel this way. It truly feels like crap. But understand as RIF and Weaver have already noted, this is not about you. This A is about RAP. There is something there that she is unable to confront in herself.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I was just praying for you last night. Alot of times people come on here and say to ask God for an answer and alot of times its not what you were hoping for or expecting. Your faith is strong and that will carry you and your boys through this tough time. My prayers are with you.

RH

NCW,

Very, very sorry to hear this. I've been through the same thing and know just what you're feeling right now.

Even though somewhere inside you know it's not right to blame yourself or to look at yourself as not being good enough,it always seems to happen anyway. That's just human nature I guess.

I think throwing her stuff outside and telling her to come and get it is standing up for yourself pretty well! Try not to feel bad about that. I seriously wish I would have had the b***s to behave more like that in the early times after d-day. It would have saved me some heartache in the long run.

I'm happy to hear that you have God with you. You will get your strength back in time. As you keep improving and being the kind of Father your kids need your pride will return to you. As a matter of fact you will come through this feeling better and stronger than you EVER have about yourself!

God Bless You.

So sorry to hear this NC. I will just echo the others and say this is not about you, but about RAP. She has a hole in her spirit and is trying to fill it. My prayers are with you and your family.

I think I would sit down with RAP and your sons at some point and explain what is happening to them. To me it is not spiteful. They are going to know that something is going on. Best to tell them the truth.

NCW..
I'm so sorry to hear this.

Please don't feel like you've had OM chosen over you.

You ARE incomparable to them.

You've stayed strong, vigilent, and done all you could to protect your family.

You haven't failed, and this is not a reflection of YOU...it's a reflection of RAP and her poor choices.

I hope you find comfort soon.

BIJ

{{{{NCWalker}}}}

I listen to you and I think that would have been my future.

I can't add anything nice so I'll shut up. I do want to thank you for the help you've given me in the past.

We can only control ourselves. We can't stop the self-destructive behavior of others. It is just a shame that the kids have to grow up with this shaping thier views of what a marital relationship is.

I feel very saddened. But not surprised.

In my opinion ... RAP is not a healthy woman right now. Nor was she a healthy woman when she was posting on MB.

She is a good woman, but sadly, not a healthy woman.

Do you think she would go for a mental health evaluation? If I were you, that would be my main condition of 1st step of any recovery .... RAP making a 3-5 year committment to mental health treatment. She is incapable of marriage counseling in her current state. She desperately needs individual help. Even if you separate, use whatever influence you have to help her decide to seek treatment.

Is RAP safe where she is? Safe from herself, I mean.

So sorry for you and the kids. Really sorry for RAP, who is far from home and feeling so lost.

Pep

NCW,

I am so sorry....from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry! It's a hard road for the WS to take, to look inside of yourself and see your utter sinfulness and helplessness.

What Believer said, RAP is trying to fill a hole in her spirit....is the bottom line. I, too, tried to fill a hole in my soul, and looked in the wrong places, even pre-A.

I'm still searching , but I now know it can't be filled by any of my own efforts or anyone else's.

I'm glad you came back....there are a lot of people here that will help you up, dust you off, and help you put the pieces back together. Don't try to do this alone, please?

NOW

NC Walker:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From NC Walker:
Well. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMO you've demonstrated that your any thing but a Fool.
(except maybe a FooL for love). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
However, I think we're almost ALL guilty of that.

Truly wish there was something that could be said that could make it any better (easier) for you. Sadly there is not.

Just know that Everyone has a breaking point, where enough is Finally Enough.
If you Have reached your limit.......then just Know that we will not pass judgment (or place blame) upon You.

Unfortunately, this does appear to be your W's issue.....totally.
You can't make a marriage by yourself. No matter what you do or How much you give.....it will fail, if BOTH partners are not Helping to Form that strong Foundation.

I'll pray for you to get your career back on track....so that you may at least be able to move forward, for both yourself and your children.

From what you've displayed on here, you seem like quite a guy.
You have my sympathies for your continuing plight.......and my added faith (in Him) that you'll come out the other end of this, Happy and Whole. Yes, its going to be a tough journey...but you'll make it!

This is a sad, sad Day indeed!

I know this is small consolation:
But you did many people a Great Service by being so Open about your 1st situation and going through it (with RAP) here on this site. So even if it didn't ultimately turn out for you.....IT Sure DID Help a whole lot of people here.
Just wanted you to know that.

********************************************
This is for all those nay sayers out there who chose to "attack" and condemn those who were "Questioning" all of those WW's who were on this site here supporting each other While "pineing" away for their OMen last summer.

I'd say this shows were THAT type of thinking leads you.

It was Right to call them on it THEN......and will continue to be in the future.

NC:

A question, if you wouldn't mind.

What part (or perhaps percentage) do you believe the Unemployment situation contributed (at least in HER mind) to this New A?

[Basically, did that added Stress on you both play a big/small part in hindering your Recovery?]

Or do you think RAP would have done this behavior No Matter What the situation?

I realize this is only speculation, but you have the best / most info. to be able to try and answer it.

Also, do you now consider (think) that she is a serial cheater?
(Do you suspect in the slightest that she HAS done this before......& just NOT been caught??)

Should you choose to answer.....thank you.

TopRope,

I’ll answer, but it is speculation. I have given up trying to understand what makes my STBXW work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What part (or perhaps percentage) do you believe the Unemployment situation contributed (at least in HER mind) to this New A?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">None. I believe someone ELSE came along who made her feel “special.” What that is, I cannot answer. I tried to make her feel special for almost a year after the first D-Day and could not. She began a game of going out with the girls – women in the neighborhood I knew and approved of, but stayed out after they came home (unbeknownst to me). She “trolled” in bars, and she is a very attractive woman, so it didn’t take long for someone to come along and make her feel special. This new OM is a “good listener.”

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Basically, did that added Stress on you both play a big/small part in hindering your Recovery?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. I have been out of work and on severance, so I have been home since mid December. I gave quite a bit in the love language department – acts of service, conversation – while this time off occurred. Gave her space when she wanted. Figured she was in withdrawal over first OM. But it was fog over new OM. It was stressful for me, but I put forth an enormous effort to “walk” in the Rule of Protection and the Rule of Care from Harley’s 4 Rules.

I am a firm believer in the “servant’s heart” from the Bible. After all she did to me, I still loved her tremendously. Why? I SERVED her with all my heart. Gave without requirement. About a week ago, my giver ran out and I kind of shut down toward her. That is when she got really brazen with the new OM. Had been seeing him for a few months, but got brazen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Or do you think RAP would have done this behavior No Matter What the situation?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bingo. It was out of my control. I am at great peace (finally, and it was the need for surety in this that kept me going for so long) that I have done my best. That I put my best effort forward to save my marriage and my family. It can now end with peace in my mind that I executed to God’s will. It is also now ending with great sadness. I do not truly believe RAP understands what she has so selfishly and spuriously thrown away. There is a laundry list of questions revolving around the children in my mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also, do you now consider (think) that she is a serial cheater?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Serial something. I don’t think it is a cheater. I think she is really trading sex for love. Or thinks she is. My “love” didn’t matter any more. She had it for so long it was assumed. The first OM stopped “wooing” her. The last few times they had relations, he almost expected it from her. I spent most of August through October helping her piece her broken heart together after the first OM relationship ended. She had lots of questions and lamentations. Things like “How could he do that to me?” and “I’ll never know if he truly cared and that kills me.” I thought my helping her through this was drawing her closer to me. I was really just putting her back together so that she could start her next “search.” I am sure, to her, it “feels different” with this new OM. That he really loves her. We’ll see. My heart is truly sad for her. My prediction is she is now going to go from man to man for a period of time finding false happiness only to realize that it fades once the realities of a relationship come to the surface after the newness wears off. But that is just a guess. She may have found true happiness with this guy. I have no idea where their relationship stands and don’t much care at this point. Please don’t think me callous for not caring. I cannot anymore. The pain is too great. I have a peace about this ending. Just an overwhelming sadness for my sons. And the enemy is really plaguing me and telling me I wasted my life staying married to her for so long (14 yrs). Also plaguing me about my own self-worth. I have be “last choice” twice now, despite my best efforts. I am just down right now. But I know I did my best. My soul is sure of it, and that, in the end will prevail for me. That will be the source of my joy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you suspect in the slightest that she HAS done this before......& just NOT been caught??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I do not. Something changed while I was deployed. With 20/20 hindsight, I could see it in the tone of her correspondence with me. She got more and more distant. She needed to feel like a woman. To be desired. It was sickeningly selfish, really. And sad.

Don’t worry about NCWalker. HIS strength is made perfect when I am weak. And I am weak right now. Means a big move of God is coming in my life and I am looking forward to it.

NCW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is for all those nay sayers out there who chose to "attack" and condemn those who were "Questioning" all of those WW's who were on this site here supporting each other While "pineing" away for their OMen last summer.

I'd say this shows were THAT type of thinking leads you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TopRope: I respectfully disagree with this statement of yours. My W was part of this group. They were working through their issues of withdrawal. There may have been one who was "pining" as you say and she is no longer around. No one seems to know how she is.

The "attacking" is what drove some of them away. Some posters did not attack but tried to point things out to them and did so in a civilized manner (Pepperband comes to mind). Now, I'm not saying you were one of the "attackers" but it could have been handled in a better manner. Luckily, my W was able to work through those difficulties and is still here getting and giving support. I think what you pointed out is just that everybody is different and we all have unique issues that we all need to be a little more tolerent of. Your statement is just a general, blanket statement. This is just my opinion.

As for your question to NCW, hopefully, he will check back in.