grapegirl-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you talked with your children? You don't have to put them in the middle but you should give them instructions. You wouldn't mind telling your child not to give you the phone if it's somebody calling about a new long distance phone plan or aluminium siding or a timeshare?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I wouldn't have a problem with the kids telling a salesperson I couldn't come to the phone, but WH would be wise to that....he's VERY persistant....DD10 TOLD him last night she didn't want to put me on the phone...but he kept at her about it. I WILL NOT have them lie and say I'm somewhere or doing something I'm not. (Not that you were suggesting that)

I did tell them that I am not talking to Daddy. They already know he has a girlfriend and I've told them that it's not right to have a girlfriend when you're married, and the thing is they KNOW who she is...isn't that special?? This dumb b*tch is someone we all know....good plan.

SuSutimes2 -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry you had to go to Plan B, but you are doing great. I am envious LOL. I am a MB concepts failure. I know what the concepts are but I have a very hard time abiding by them. It makes me feel so stupid. Reading what you are going through is inspiring me. You are so strong and have done such a great job supporting others on this site even while dealing with your own pain.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think I'd say you're a failure and I definitely wouldn't say you're stupid, don't be so down on yourself. It's not an easy thing to do to follow the concepts, and I've lost it more than once and did a bunch of crazy crap....For the longest time I had no proof of WH's affair, and he kept denying it, and I couldn't find anything concrete...so I didn't think the Surviving an Affair book was applicable, and yet knew in my gut something wasn't right. So I did some INSANE crap, I won't go into it all here, but suffice to say, I have the temper to match my red hair.

I'm glad I'm inspiring someone LOL, cuz I don't feel very inspired myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you for the prayers...I REALLY appreciate it!!!!

*************************************
Oh wow, guess who's calling me right now....DING DING DING....WH....am I gonna answer? NEGATIVE, he's a dork, he only let it ring twice.....am I supposed to be worried and call him...OMG maybe he's fallen and he can't get up and I should run to his house immediately and take care of him....LMAO Suffer. I got a call about 15 minutes ago too, from a blocked number...and they also hung up before the machine could get it....golly, I wonder who that could've been. I've been telling everyone...look, if you're number is blocked, I won't be answering the phone, so you best either unblock it, or talk on the answering machine, cuz I'm not risking it. Oh there we go again.....phone just rang, blocked number, no message.....wow, he really should be a rocket scientist...because I absolutely DO NOT think it's him calling.....LMAO Ooooo maybe he's calling to tell me Happy Valentines Day LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He can shove Valentines Day up his @ss...sideways.
**************************************
Dying-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Detached is when you make the move from... the feeling of losing your WS, to the feeling that your WS is losing YOU.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a great quote, that's why I have it in my signature line <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> DONT GIVE IN
I AM WATCHING YOU
DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT
COME HERE AND POST

Dont forget to clean the tops of the doors very important to have clean tops of doors LOL

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I appreciate that you're watching me...and I will come on and post before I make ANY move.

As for the tops of the doors.....I was thinking maybe you could come and do that for me LMAO...I'm not cleaning the tops of the doors LMAO That was too funny.

Kandi-

Thank you for your support, I'm glad you're doing so well. I think that with him calling (like the 14 times he just called) I feel better....but I know that's going to end in short order, he's going to stop calling, that's when I think I'll panic.

This is crazy, I want to talk to him so bad, but I know I can't. My mind is seriously creating all kinds of stupid, stupid reasons why I should call him, it's ridiculous!!! I find myself starting to wander into.....hey I should call WH and tell him....blah blah, and then I think "AHHHHH stop that Caren!"

I have become quite adept at being able to change my thought pattern....if I start thinking about the "tape" I have of those two doing the love bird thing, I can just think, "NO! We're not thinking about that" So I can do the same thing with wanting to call him or to pick up when he calls...I think "Yeah...no I'm not going to do it".

I'm really going to kill this cat though, she's roughing around on the stairs, and just made some noise that sounded like my screen door opening...I about had a flippin heart attack. (The door is locked this time)

I'll bet he drives by here (Not like it's on his way....there's no outlet)on his way to work, and if I didn't think he was already en route I'd pull my car into the garage so he'd think I was gone....but I didn't, and I hope he does drive by and see my car and see that "Yes, she is home, and NO, she's still not talking to me"....it's about fricken time he start doing some of the worrying. LMAO

You know what (and I know I'm going to get a 2x4 for all these things I'm thinking....but I'm just processing it all.....I'm not dwelling)he has told me several times that when I left him (I've left him 4 times...only for short periods, and never for an OM...I was depressed and didn't realize it)that he just 'left me alone', implying that's what I should do, just leave him alone....well now I'm fricken leaving him alone....sh*t he's never happy. LMAO

-Caren

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Ya know what, I felt fine before his stupid [censored] called me....now I'm feeling anxious again....c'mon Xanax...kick in.

Maybe I should be addicted to crack instead of my WH......at least crack wouldn't call and harrass me. LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Caren

Caren,

You're so much stronger than you realize! You're doing great. Every time you don't answer the phone you empower yourself a little bit more for the next phone call. It has to feel secretly good that he is at least trying to contact you. Stay strong. You're doing a great job. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you this morning.

Frozen

P.S. I wish I had some Xanax, too.

Froz-

Yeah, it's not really a secret...I do feel good that he's attempting to contact me....it also makes me feel moderately sadistic, because I'm glad he's in pain....(LOL that's the thing that should probably be a 'secret' LOL, oh well I'm an open book, what can I say?).

I appreciate that you were thinking about me this morning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How are things with you babe??? I hope you are feeling better, and if you need to talk about any of the things that you're feeling, e-mail me....I told you in another post, been there done that with my WH previous affair......so I can tell you all the things you are feeling are 100% normal.

Oh, hey...lol, my e-mail is the_pieces_of_my_broken_heart@yahoo.com

Thanks for the support <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-Caren

How come you can't change your phone number or turn your ringer off and then have all your calls answered by the answering machine. I tried to change my number but the phone was in WH's name but I did turn off the ringer at home.... and changed my cell phone number. He found the new number, though. That's another story...

Caren, Like SuSu I too am inspired. You have finally taken the step that I so desperately need to take. You WH needs to step up to the plate and work to get you back. It has been a long time coming that it is no longer about what you can do for him. Your Plan B letter says it all. You are making postive changes and are in a continuing state of renewal, but if the other side refuses to make adjustments you are nothing but a speeding train to nowhere.

I know it must be hard with the kids. I just told my DD10 and DD12 that in the next few weeks when their Dad calls they are not to ask him if he wants to talk to me or ask me if I want to talk to him. He went on a vacation to see FIL and I told him I was going to "leave him alone" just as he has asked.

I am reading a book (forget the name) about emotional abuse. Reading the various couples stories a bell keeps going off. I am seeing the light and sadly I am not sure if a Plan B will work for me because I do not think WH will ever be able to change his pathology. Like my friend says "If you get him back, will you have won? Personally for me I don't think so. All I am saying is that during this time as you get stronger you may find yourself healthier and happier then ever before, and you may decide to move on without him. I know that MB is about saving your marriage, just realize that not every marriage is worth saving. He either loves you and will do what ever it takes, or he doesn't. I think you will know soon enough. I am praying for you that whatever happens it will bring you happiness and peace. Lord knows we all need the peace around here.

Good morning Caren,

Just checking in to see how you are doing. Sounds like you are doing great. I think it helps that he is calling you so much. It is a great ego booster. My WH didn't call or even attempt to get in touch with me or DDs for almost a week. Talk about feeling rejection. So by the time he did call, I was about nuts and took the call. Plan B went downhill from there.

Keep up the great work. Continue to keep the ball in your court and I hope this will end quickly with a positive result.

I love this site, the support is wonderful. I just wish I would have come here and asked for encouragement more (as you have). The wonderful people on this site are very generous.

Take care. I will check in to see how things are going for you.

Blessings,
Suzanne

Mimi-

I'm not changing my number, I've had the same number for like 10 years, and besides he needs to be able to call DD10. I'm okay with just not answering when he calls.

Earlier when I posted he called and let it ring twice, I guess actually DD19 was asleep, and answered it. He said "Is your Mom there?" She said "I don't know if she's even home, I'm asleep" He said "Oh, well tell her I said Happy Valentines Day". Oh wow, is that how he's gonna win me back? By calling me when I told him I don't want to talk to him and telling me *Happy Valentines Day* ...... LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just-

Thanks for the prayers, and like I said before, I'm glad I'm inspiring someone....I don't feel very inspired.

SuSu-

Yeah, it makes me feel better that he's attempting to talk to me, even though I told him not to, because I do actually feel a little more empowered everytime I can not answer it.

I know this is probably a bad idea, but I am doing it anyway. I busted out the voice activated recorder and put it on my phone line...I'm just wondering what he's saying to DD10, and I don't want to drill her, so I thought I'd just do it this way. He sounded all depressed when he was talking to her....really quiet and stuff, he said "What are you doin' punkin?" She said "Going to bed" He said "Is Mommy in bed with you?" She said "Yes".....blah blah....but he sounded all down. GOOD!!!!!!!!!!

I'm too nosey for my own good, but I like to know what he's saying to her, and I don't want to ask her. So I'm probably playing with fire with that one, but I don't care, I want to know....not what he's doing, or who he's doing it with....just what he's telling her.

-Caren

Hey hey, Caren. That V's Day gift was almost as good as that sixty bucks he gave you for your birthday (I think that was you...). No wonder you're struggling to resist him!

GC

There is not supposed to be any contact whatsoever between you two in PLAN B. That means that he honors your request for him not to call and for you not to hear his voice. Otherwise, you are not learning to go on with your life and he does not get the message that you are going on with your life.

No games. Serious business about this. BTW, I changed the number that I had for over 20 years. My commitment about changing it was evidence to me and him of my seriousness about ceasing contact with him until he was finished with the OW.

If he continues to call your house and you do not want to change your number, let him realize that the answer machine will always answer or think of some other means of contact with your daughter. Did you name a mediator? For your sanity, turn the volume down on the machine.

You seem too involved in listening to what he is saying, Caren, referring to your plans with the voice recorder. Not a true PLAN B this way.

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

GC- No no no, the 60 in cash was my Christmas present...it was so sentimental...I got NOTHING for my b-day, except he graced me with his presence.

Mimi-

I will let the machine get it when he calls, I'm talking about when he calls DD10 and then wants to talk to me, I think I'll do Mom's suggestion and ask my daughter to leave the room, and then just hang up on him.

But on the off chance he does get through, I'm just saying "Have you met the conditions of the letter?" And then telling him I have nothing to say to him.

I'm sure he'll try yet again to talk to me to tell me Happy Valentines Day again. Yeah, yeah this Valentines Day f*cking rocks....

Okay, have to go pick up DD10 @ school.

GAWD I wish I didn't have a cold, this sucks, I had all these cleaning plans, but I'll I've been doing is laying around.

Be back shortly,

-Caren

Ohhhh and about the recorder, yeah....I knew that was probably a bad idea, curiosity killed the cat and what not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But on the off chance he does get through, I'm just saying "Have you met the conditions of the letter?" And then telling him I have nothing to say to him.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Caren, don't plan on having such conversations with him. It seems that you may be anticipating this.

Think: TOTAL DARKNESS!!!!!

Mimi-

He WON'T CALL the mediator, he's flat refusing, and all I can do is tell my daughter I won't talk to him, he will badger the crap out of her until she gives me the phone, so I am sorta anticipating it....I know him, therefore I have to anticipate what he's going to try next. Next time he calls I run into the bathroom, that way she can just tell him I'm using the restroom.

-Caren

This is not going to work. You've got to come up with something different than running in the bathroom when he calls. There is absolutely no reason why you guys have to answer the telephone. Let the answering machine always pick up. Turn down the volume so that you do not have to hear his voice. Make him leave a message. Your daughter can call him back if she needs to. Stop letting him push you around like this.

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!!! DD10 called WH, always does after school, and they talked, I was in the bathroom (LOL), so pretty soon I hear her get off the phone and she says "Daddy's coming over to bring my my Valentines Present." I was like "WHAT?!?!" I don't know what the **** to do now, the only thing I can think of is to be in the shower or something....son of a b*tch, he's just trying EVERYTHING....I'm gonna fricken snap and meet him at the door with a baseball bat.

I guess I'll just stay upstairs, This is so uncool. I am not engaging him. I am not talking to him damn it.

I'm so pissed I could spit nails! I called my sister to see if she could come over and watch the kids so I could get the hell out of dodge, but she's not fricken home...Arrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!

I can't leave, then DD10 will be crushed, because oooooo Daddy bought her a present. B@STARD!!!!!!!!

This is almost impossible with kids, I just have to avoid him I guess. WTF, he hasn't been lodged up my [censored] like this in 6 fricken months, now suddenly he's going to call the hell out of me and stop over every 5 seconds.

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Caren

Caren, why not get an Order of Protection?

Is this possible? Tell the police he is harrassing you, this will really drive him crazy. The only Negative is that he may get very Hostile towards the OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have your sister call him and tell him that you are taking out an Order of Protection if he contacts you in any way shape or form. If he then does so, file the Order. This will make the message very clear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He must go thru your sister. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This may upset him though, poor thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your daughter can get her present later.

Leave the house with her before he comes.

She will get her present. Just not when and how she wants to get it.

Caren, just so you know, I am thinking of you and you're sitch. It is hard and it sucks at times, yet I know you can do it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok, Caren, a few 2 x 4's coming your way! First of all, of course your Husband will not go thru the intermediary...because he knows he can get to you this way and you are letting him...You WANT him to get to you! This is why I cautioned you so much on doing this befroe you are ready! You tell your H "do not call the house...DD10 can call you every night before she goes to be" and leave it at that!

Caren, he WILL throw a fit...He WILL get upset...He WILL say he wont go thru your sister...but you know what, He WILL go thru your sister eventually because that is the only way he can get to you! YOu have got to stop engaging him if you want this to work! **SIGH**

You need to sit down with your daughter and have a talk with her...YOu need to tell all of your kids that they are not to answer the phone...PERIOD! My kids have never been able to answer the phone. Sooo, you need to be prepared for the "but I want to talk to daddy" you say you can talk to daddy, tonight when YOU call him...If he calls then do not let your kids answer the phone...it's that simple.

Second 2 x 4...yes, caren this CAN work with kids...I have 3 kids under 9...I have NO ONE in town to help me with this...My EI is 2,000 miles away in another state...That is the only way WH and I communicate!

Yes, my WH refused to go thru the EI at first...I have been in Plan B since Jan 2...I cant tell you how many times he told my mom "oh screw *****, I'm not emailing her or calling her" He just spoke with my EI this weekend for the first time!

My WH threw hissy fits, tried emailing me, tried Im'ing me, tried calling me...but you know what...I did NOT engage...Only a few times have I engaged with him, and it only sent me into a frenzy!

Caren, you have got to ground yourself if you want this to work...I told you, this is not supposed to be a plan to end the affair...this is also not a game...You have got to stop this...You tell your WH the rules...if he doesn't like them, then he can throw his fits...these are the rules...

The way my WH and I do this kid thing is we set up two days a week that WH can see the kids...Thursday and Saturday...he drives up, I have them ready, I send them out to the car...He drops them off at 7:30 and I am waiting for them...He asked if they could call him every night after their bathes...so they have been calling him every night (when I remember) after their bathes...I am really bad about remembering to do this...My WH knows not to call her, cuz I WILL not answer the phone...

Caren, we are all Human...we will all have contact at some point with our WH..but you want that contact to be a pleasant one...not one full of LB's and demands...and certainly NOT NOW at the beginning of your Plan B...

NOw, you need to ground yourself and stop playing these games with your H...

Caren - I don't understand all that is going on - but couldn't you just take the phone if he forces DD into handing it to you, ask if he's ready to meet your requests, ad hang up if he brings anything else up? And then turn off the ringer? I'm really sorting this out 'cause I know what will happen when I go to Plan B - just hoping you can come up with a workable method that I may be able to steal........

David