Okay, so if I let him in, to keep him from beating the **** out of my front door....then what? I want to know what his fricken problem is...he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to break it off with the OW.......so what is his malfunction.

IF I let him in here, he's got some explaning to do.

-Caren

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Caren,

If you are afraid, call the police before he gets there. Have a squad car close by. Keep your cell phone next to you.

I just feel so profoundly sad and alone

This is part of Plan B journey. For me...it took 3 weeks before i feel a little bit calmer, another 3 months before i feel like celebrating and took another 1 year before i can tell you that there is a better life out there without WH and i am going for it.

After one year...you still get those sad moments where you really miss Husband the man before the affair but when you think of him NOW...you will cringe and cannot imagine living with this person he has become.

Chin up girl...stay on the wagon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You got a ten year old daughter...who is being exposed to two adults not in good control...

you got a dad telling the ten year old to tell mom he is going to rip up a check...

you got a mom calling the daughters babysitter leaving urgent messages to come get the baby...

you need a plan to get through these five-ten minutes when he comes...

I am totally against a restraining order or the police being involved at this point...

his daughter called and ASKED for money he is bringing it over...and you're going to call the police on him...

the big huge picture is protecting the relationship with the kids as well ...

unless there is violence then a restraining order cause he calls over and over while isannoying....seeking a restraining order on that two days into plan b is abuse of the legal system...imo...

BEST SCENARIO
call a neighbor or have the mom of one year old present when he comes...lots of talking with friend...

yell out..
honey your dad's here....
come get your stuff...then don't forget you have bed soon...

and as annie hall would say..

laddi-da...laddi-da....laddi-da...

then scoot HIM out the door....

think logical
get in control...

other choices and spin this mimimal contact out of control

scare the heck out of the children...

plan B is optingo out of chaos...not creating it
not engaging in it...

ARK

ark^^ what's the point of her HAVING to have contact tonight? He will just keep it up as long as it is allowed. How is she going to stop him from pounding on the door, waking the neighbors, scaring the kids, USING the kids because he's never grown up enough to act human?

well the point of having to have contact is that mom told daughter to call dad for money...and he is bringing the daughter money....

daugher needs money
dad has money....
mom already ok'd some type of transaction...
so lets go with it..

she stops him from pounding on the door by opening the door...better let daughter open the door...

children's agendas are even stronger driven to get their parents back together...
that's what they want...even if parents are unhappy together they want them together....

ten year olds actions totally understandable...
carens heart ache over not having money totally understandable..
WS desire to meet this small silly money goal
totally understandable...

none of this is the end of the world....
none of it...
arK

Ark-

DD10 already HAS the money for the bookfair...that's when he approached me at the car, leaving the shop he works for unattended....he had to walk completely away from his shop in order to walk up to my car...I handed him another copy of the PBL didn't say a word and left.

He then began the calling barrage and giving messages through DD10....I try really hard not to answer any question he asks through her...that's ****** ******, she's not the mediator.

He didn't say he was ripping up any check, he 1st said he was going to burn it, then showed up at my house on Valentines Day to give the girls candy (I ran upstairs and took a shower before they let him in) and he left the check with his signature on it and a note that said Happy Valentines Day, it's all yours. Today if I cash the check he's going to say I forged his name on it. (ALL THROUGH DD10).

Yesterday he called me 28 times....28 times in a row in a 45 minute time span...and hung up on the machine.

Today he's coming over because I won't talk to him on the phone....I told him I wasn't letting him in either.

He is coming here FOR ME...not for DD10....FOR ME.....he can't stand that I don't want to talk to him.

I don't want to call the police.....I don't think that would be conducive to saving our marriage.......I'm at a freaking loss.

I don't know....I give up.

-Caren

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Ark^^ she took her daughter to the shop to get the money - she already has it.

He's just coming over to assert the fact that he controls the situation.

Caren needs to let him know he is crossing boundaries.....

Caren, if he comes over and you jump up and down screaming, get outta here! Then you're being played.

Avoid contact. If he forces it, be distant and cheerful and end it quickly.

When you see him, remind yourself, this is my life, and I won't be dragged into the mud by him any more.

Do not be baited by him. Be too busy to talk, and involve other people whenever possible. Do you have anybody you can ask to come over?

GC

Yeah, I lost track of all this somewhere too. Why is he coming over?

GC

Caren,
FWIW, it's seems that your WH is bound and determined to see you, and will NOT stop until he does.
I would think a temporarily broken Plan B is much better than letting this get out of control.
Better for you, and better for the kids.

There have been a helluva lot of broken Plan B's around here.

Stay calm, Caren... I think your WH is showing some true colors here... and in spite of his, ummm.. "technique"... well... imagine if (when?) he could channel all that energy into rebuilding your marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

sorry caren and tanel
I'm at work and having a rough time keeping up with so...

many apologies....

my suggestion call him at work...
tell him you are sick and going to bed....
and tonight is not a good night..

tell him you are babysitting and baby is there and mom's coming....

and then bed time....

I realize how this is breaking plan B...
I get that......
but I think you got to try to avoid the drama...

no talk of OW...
just kindly ask him to not come tonight...and see what he says...

ARK

tqt - while I agree that things might be safer just to break plan B tonight, what happens tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that? How often does she give in so he won't 'break in'?

He needs to understand that she NEEDS this time to preserve her love for him, or she is GONE. How hard is that to comprehend? What does he have, 3 copies of the letter already? Somehow something has to get thru that thick skull that he has a choice to make.....

Caren - pullin for ya

David

while I agree that things might be safer just to break plan B tonight, what happens tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that? How often does she give in so he won't 'break in'?

Yep, I agree with you, David, on principle.
Can't say I know the guy, but it seems like he's a man on a mission, and if he's the kind of guy he might be(?), he won't stop until his mission is done.
As long as he's not dangerous, and Caren? you don't sound you're concerned about that(?), then... let the crazed goofball get his way and get it out of his system tonight, and we can all help Caren regroup and then tighten-up the logistics part of it...

I'm sorry I don't have much time right now.

I agree strongly with Ark's viewpoint.

CALM DOWN.

I think he's expecting you to react emotionally. Surprise him by remaining as calm as possible.

Maybe I'm missing something. Why you can't get in your car and go somewhere? Even spend the night somewhere?

Okay...well he's off work now, so if he's coming it oughta be soon.

I guess I'll let his dumb *** in and ask him what his problem is.....he's the one that wants the divorce, he's the one that has the girlfriend, I believe I might be able to accomplish this without LB's....we have NEVER talked about our R....he would always say he just didn't want to be married anymore....well he needs to shed some light here......he either breaks it off or leaves me alone, those are my conditions, and I'm not gonna have him stomping all over them.

It's not like I'm breaking plan B by calling him....he's all up in my bidness.

I think he's freaking out about my friend being here...but that doesn't explain the 28 calls yesterday....so he get's his "fix" tonight....and it makes the affair go on even longer, and makes me feel even ****tier.....Yippee...go me

This sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not afraid of him harming me physically, he's never touched me...he might beat the **** out of my front door....of the place I rent (and can barely afford...sure can't afford to replace the door). I guess I'll just play it by ear....

I don't know if I'll be back on tonight or not, I'll try, just so you guys don't worry that I've met some untimely death or anything.

-Caren

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Oops! Double! Even us oldies do it now and then!

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]</small>

Caren

Listen to me very, very carefully. If you let him in tonight, he will just pitch the same fit tomorrow. He will know that all he has to do is threaten and call DD10, and come over and bang on the door a couple of times...and you are willing to break Plan B.

He is testing you. He wants to know where the line is--what line does he have to cross in order to get you to interact with him. Apparently the line is coming over.

I VERY, VERY STRONGLY SUGGEST that if he comes over, you have a wireless phone in you home, you stand with the phone in your hand with 9-1 dialed but haven't pushed the last 1...and say, "I told you I will have no contact with you until your affair is over and you have met the conditions in my letter. I have dialed 9 and 1. If you do not leave RIGHT NOW, I will dial the other 1 and tell the police that my estranged husband is at the door scaring me and I need them to help me." If he takes ONE STEP FORWARD or does anything other than go away, dial that last 1 and tell them what I said. They don't need the whole story or all the dramatics--just "my husband and I are separated and he is at my door scaring me and I need you to help me."

PLEASE do not let him in!!! Don't cave in now!!!


CJ

P.S. If you need a new mediator, I would be willing to serve. Contact me at the email in my signature line.

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 08:34 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]</small>

YES FAITHFUL YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES - couldn't stress that anymore. DON'T FEED THE A!!!!!

David

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

ME TOO !! JUMPING ON CJS WAGON!!!!

Caren -

Your WH is just being typical. When I went to Plan B, WH stood out on my doorstep for 2 hours, knocking and begging me to let him in.

I asked him if OW was out of the picture, and he said she could be/would be, blah, blah, blah. My advice is to stay dark.

He needs to know that you are quite serious.