Posted on D/D by Lost My Love 46:
Lost My Love = WS
Crushed Heart = BS
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Excerpt from D/D post written by Crushed Heart [BS] in response to her husband:I am Lost's wife,,,first of all let me say that I have just about had it trying to defend myself, so if I sound short, I apologize in advance,,,,no matter what please know that I gave my marriage my EVERYTHING,,,I'm simply tired of being the bad guy,,,In response, I can say the following,,,
1) Lost is a wonderful, incredible, funny, talented human being,,,part of me will always love him,,sometimes I feel like there is this thin gossamer thread that will always bind us together,,,,in some ways, he was my soul mate,,, and losing him is the single most painful thing I have ever been through.
2)Having said that however,,,it's been TEN years OR MORE,,not six,,,,10 years in which there were over 15 women,,I can not even express the pain involved,,,I cant even express the heartache involved each and every time i discovered another woman (or set of women),,,,the number of times I phoned women, read emails, and sat up late at night, organizing proof, only to spend SIX HOURS or more having to PROVE to Lost that I knew what I knew,,,,,he lied excessively, even when lying wasnt a possibility any longer,,it got to the point that I literally thought I was losing my mind, and that I wasnt reading what I was reading. The only good it ever did was to teach Lost how to hide his cheating better,,,"oh she figured THAT out, so I'll do THIS next time"
3) Three marriage counselors, an unknown number of individual counsellors, and THIS PROGRAM, have been unable to restore either my faith in my husband or my faith in myself. How many times can you smash a china plate on the floor before you can no longer paste it together again, and have it be usable for what it was intended?
4) My children are ripped apart, they have been dealing with this for approximately 12 years. My oldest (now 19) used to find evidence that Daddy was not wherre he said he would be, and have to decide if she should bring it to me, or keep it secret. She was 7. My youngest (13) has known nothing else but that Daddy cheats on Mommy. I have taught my children (very successfully, in fact) that you let a man do anything to you, you let him hurt you and destroy you and cheat on you, and you just take it, because love is worth anything, any pain, any torment, any abuse,,,and now I have to live with that as I watch my children have relationships,,, and feel that guilt.
5) I have had to deal with the accute embarrassment of knowing that Lost told his girlfriend's that I was a drug abuser, whom he never knew if i would come home at night or not, and therefore he was forced to work nights so that he could care for his children during the day. LIE. I was working, and would come home at 5pm to care for the children so he could take a nap before going to work (he worked the night shift),,,,a nap he needed because he was NOT sleeping during the day as he should have been,,he was emailing, and phoning women.
6) As the marriage disintegrated before my eyes, as I forgave and forgave and forgave until forgiveness was no longer a precious gift, but an expectation, Lost became desperate that I not leave, and began to try and control me in any way he could,,,I was not allowed more than 5 dollars at a time or I might have enough to stockpile to leave,,,he stole my drivers licence so I couldn't hop on a plane to take a trip to visit a friend after her surgery,,,ad infintum.
7) I have been tested for sexually transmitted diseases roughly three times,,,,Lost SAYS there was no sex, and perhaps he is telling the truth, but I cant trust that,,,,,,and I wont sleep with him,,I cant. I will NEVER go through that embarrassment again.
8) I am not the same person I was,,,,,I will never again put so much of my happiness in another's hands,,,,,I will never again trust someone else's words MORE than I trust my own instincts when backed with a 100 lbs of proof,,,I will never again let anyone hurt me as Lost hurt me,,,,,,never. I cant be that person he wants,,that person that is so madly in love with him, that she would believe ANYTHING rather than lose him.
9) and finally,,,,its not all his fault,,and I know and admit this,,,,,,I taught him how to treat me,,,,,I let him do this to me,,,and I have far too much soul searching and learning about myself to do yet,,,,,WHY WHY WHY would I let ANYONE do this to me????? I am FAR more valuable than that. Just 2 weeks ago, I found more evidence that Lost was again seeing women,,,,,but he assures me that he only did that because he was hopeless about us,,,and I wonder,,,,after a couple years,,,,,if he could be so hopeless,,,how he'd feel after a dozen years??? Yet I'm supposed to forgive "just one more time"??? How many times have I heard that? Too many to count,,,,too many.
10) I firmly believe with everything in my soul, that Lost is a wonderful human being with an incredibly caustic problem,,,he's addicted to something,,,sex, love, romance, lying, I dont know,,,in my head I put a bandaid on his forhead and put him in the hospital,,,,i cant help him, and my guilt over that is tremendous,,,,but no longer enough to keep me any longer. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me,,,as he knows love. But this problem has destroyed us,,,it's bigger than him, and its bigger than me, and the tragedy of it is that its bigger than us together.
I apologize for the lenth,,,,,,H
<small>[ February 12, 2005, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>
