And it wasnt me. He went to OW house after work this morning, after I asked him not to. Was going to help her move. I said it wasnt his place. He said I was right and said he would be home. He didnt. I called her and he was there.

So his stuff is in the yard waiting for him. I guess this is either plan b or plan d. But I couldnt live like this any longer.

Pray for him. I am worried that he will hurt himself. He has thought about death for a long time.

Katie

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: katiegirl34 ]</small>

Sheesh - more stuff in the yard. Yikes! Might be time for Plan B. Hang in there.

Does he know you put his stuff out ? So sorry tohear this, He will be wild when he gets home. Take care of yourself.

Katie....where were you and WS as far as working on recovery. Evidently not where you thought or would like to be and you both are definitely not on the same page

He knows his stuff is in the yard. I called OW cell and she hung up on me. Called her house and WH answered.

Just waiting on him to get here. Shaking like a leaf. But I have to do this. He kept going back and forth and just killing me a little more each time he did it. His conscience and the Holy Spirit kept him coming back because of guilt. But his flesh kept him going to her. So he made his choice.

Just hope I can get through this.

Katie were they planning on moving in together ? Don't be surprised if this was planned. Take care I will be back tomorrow. Stay strong.

Katiegirl,

I'm not even going to ask you if you are going to get in Plan B. (which I think you should, before you even think about divorce)

Be strong girl, and know that we are here for you.

So, Plan B consists of sending a letter, and absolutly NO contact. Correct? I will have to get out my book and see.

He came for his things. I got my house key and have him his car keys. That was all that was said. Other than he called from his truck and asked if the kids could come out so he could say bye. They agreed so I let them go out.

I dont see how I am going to be able to not have some sort of contact because of the finances. I am totally dependant on him. Guess I will have to figure out a way to have the least amount.

Thanks for the support.
Katie

{{{Katie}}} Not much else to say except be strong.

Katiegirl, I completely support your move. Plan A can be quite soul-destroying. Your WH (like mine) is pushing his own self-destruct button. We're a bit further down the line - separated properly end of November after his continued contact since Dday. My WH also has deep dark moments and talked about suicide but refused to seek counselling. Since we parted, there is continued contact because I will never stand between him and the children. He is not a danger to them. They are younger than yours. But mostly, there is contact because of financial matters. It sucks. I believe my WH had decided the reason he was miserable with his life was because of me. Funny enough, he is even more miserable now - reality bites! When it comes to affairs, they don't seem to realise they all follow the same patterns. They are so predictable.

Your marriage isn't over but you have to be strong now. He will miss you more than he realises. He thought he was calling the shots and you would always be there. I hope your decision brings you some peace for the time being. You sound like you need a break. TT

sorry...double post

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: katiegirl34 ]</small>

After reading a few Plan B letters, here is mine for critique.....

My dearest WH,

When we met 22 years ago, I thought you were the kindest and sweetest person. You made me feel so special. In my very immature mind and heart, I loved you. Though now I know I was only infatuated with you then, I grew to love you as time went on. I love that you have always taken care of your family, how you bring little gifts when you go out of town. I love how compassionate you are to others. One of the first things I loved about you was how polite and caring you were. Another thing I love about you is that you always went the extra mile for people….if you borrowed their car, you returned it full of gas. If you borrowed a tool or something, you made sure it was clean and shiny when it was returned. I love that you are so giving; that you have always been my cheerleader.

When you left in June, I knew you were unhappy, but I did not know the extent of your pain and hurt. I honestly did not know you felt this way; I just knew that you were unhappy and depressed. I did not realize how much hurt I had caused you by my actions and how much resentment you had for me. How it had built up over the years. I didn’t understand how important some of those needs were to you as a man. I now realize my part for the condition of our marriage and it hurts me that I have been so selfish.

I have done a lot of reading and soul searching these past months and have learned so many things. Tools we need to make a marriage in which we are loving and supportive, open and honest. It gave me hope that things could be different, that I could be different. I have changed these past few months. Even you have commented on that, but I am sure you do not know the extent of the changes going on in my heart. I want to continue to change and grow into the woman God wants me to be. I still have a lot of work to do, but my hope is one day I might be able to share this with you.

Even as my hope grew that things could change, your hope did not. It hurts me so much that I was so easily set aside. My love for you was dying with the pain of knowing your continued contact with OW. In order to preserve the love I have left for you, I had to remove myself from you. I will not contact you by phone or in person, but I will send occasional brief emails about finances. You may email or call the children directly should you wish to talk with them. This is to keep my love for you, so that if there ever comes a time when you want commit to rebuilding a new marriage with me, there will still be love and hope left to do that.

WH, I know that we could have a wonderful marriage if we are both committed to making that happen and if we have the Lord as our foundation. I have learned so much these past months and would love to share more with you. Should there come a time when feel you could commit wholly to trying to build a new marriage with me, it is something I would like to share with you. For me, a commitment toward working for reconciliation would be that you break off ALL contact with OW forever and that you would agree to marriage counseling. I know that right now you have no hope that you could ever feel differently for me, but I now know that changing the environment in a marriage can make all the difference in the world to your feelings. I hope you will think and pray about all of this and my hope is that you will choose this commitment. If you do, then I would welcome a talk to discuss this. But until you then, I will refrain from contacting you.

We used to be best friends. I cannot imagine who I would rather spend my life with than my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without you.
I love you with all my heart,

Katie

Katie,

Can you change the topic line to reflect that you need a Plan B letter review, and help getting ready for Plan B so the experts will see it and help?

I don't feel qualified to help in that way.

I may shorten the letter a bit, and make it a bit less mushy. Also change the parts about you not contacting him to him not contacting you. The only convo will be about the children or money. He needs to feel the full loss of not being able to call you when ever he wants to get his Katie fix. He needs to get the very clear idea that you are no longer there for him in any capacity unless marital recovery has begun.

I would not be so open about letting him know that you will wait for him, I might be a little bit more mysterious there.

Will he continue to support you? Do you need legalities in place to ensure this? Are you able to get a part-time job or something so you are not solely financially dependent on him? I think it would be a very good thing that he sees you getting out in the work force and beginning a life for yourself.

Not sure of your sitch with not working and why.

I am going to work on the letter some more. As far as the finances, he has the purse strings, but it wont be an issue.
I have not worked in 3 years. And I have only worked off and on durning our marriage. We felt it more important for me to be at home when the kids were home and when they got home from school. So, I will be hitting the pavement looking for a job ASAP.
But you are right, once I have a job or I am in college, he will see that I am getting on with my life. Dont know if that will help him feel less guilty about abandoning us or not, but maybe it will spark his interest in me. Who knows! I just know I am sort of glad he is out of the house. It has been calm and peaceful here. Is that wrong?

I just know I am sort of glad he is out of the house. It has been calm and peaceful here. Is that wrong?

A home should be a calm and peaceful place. It should be a sanctuary for you and your children. A place to find healing, to find strength and to be happy in.

If someday he is able to share and contribute to your peaceful sanctuary, then all the better.

WH,

I want to apologize to you for my part in creating your unhappiness in our marriage. I know you feel I have selfishly sought to fulfill my needs without understanding and meeting your needs. I have not been there for you in areas that were important to you and we are now both suffering for my selfishness.
I am willing to work on those mistakes that I have made in the past, and attempt to start a new path in life. I would like you there, but this cannot be done with the continued selfishness and dishonesty.

Until then, I will avoid seeing and talking to you. Our contact will be limited to the kids and finances only. You may call the kids or email them. If you want to make arrangements to see the kids, then I will not be here when you come by.
Please respect my decision to separate this way. You know the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW and I will no longer sit by and allow myself to be abused in this way. I will always love you, but my heart cannot see you under these conditions.

I know time is needed to think on this. Only when you are willing to permanently separate from OW and will go to marriage counseling, will I be willing to discuss this with you. I hope to be able to start fresh with you some day, the way it should have been from the beginning. You will always be my friend, but I want to be your best friend again. I loved you when we got married and I continue to love you even now. But we cannot be as long as we both continue being selfish.

All my love,
Katie

Sooo anybody think this is too harsh? or not cold enough?

I think you are apologizing too much. It is one thing to take responsibility for taking some things in the M for granted but it is a totally different thing t/b a martyr. Also seems like you are giving the WS the right to blame you.

L.

I agree with Orchid. It sounds like the affair is entirely your fault, and continues to be your fault.

Why do you feel so much responsibility for it?

I did a search for what Chris says should be in a Plan B, and will paste it here.

I don't think you should begin with an apology. And then only apologize for your part in the demise of the marriage and state you have/are making changes in yourself to correct your faults.

But the affair is not your fault and it is not your continued selfishness which is hurting him.

I don't get why you are being so hard on yourself Katie.

This is what I found from Chris's posts on what to put into a Plan B letter -

Do it like this.

1 – I love you
2 - I apologize for doing things wrong in the past (give an example?)
3 - The pain of your affair hurts me.
4 – I cannot have contact until you end your affair. Not to hurt you but to preserve my love.
5 – I know we can rebuild and I want us to remain married
6 - I love you

Katie, I liked your first original paragraph.
It was REAL and from your heart (not from a form plan B letter suggestion) and showed your admiration for the man he WAS and can be again.
I think you should leave it in.

"When we met 22 years ago, I thought you were the kindest and sweetest person. You made me feel so special. In my very immature mind and heart, I loved you. Though now I know I was only infatuated with you then, I grew to love you as time went on. I love that you have always taken care of your family, how you bring little gifts when you go out of town. I love how compassionate you are to others. One of the first things I loved about you was how polite and caring you were. Another thing I love about you is that you always went the extra mile for people….if you borrowed their car, you returned it full of gas. If you borrowed a tool or something, you made sure it was clean and shiny when it was returned. I love that you are so giving; that you have always been my cheerleader. "