Yep, I like that paragraph too.

I'm beginning to like the first letter more and more. I think that changing the parts about not contacting him to him not contacting her should be made though.

He needs to feel the pain of not being able to talk to her. Putting it like she won't call him doesn't sit well with me.

Ok, I have revised orginal letter. It might be long, but it says what I want to say. Without sounding like a format.

My dearest WH,
When we met 22 years ago, I thought you were the kindest and sweetest person. You made me feel so special. In my very immature mind and heart, I loved you. Though now I know I was only infatuated with you then, I grew to love you as time went on. I love that you have always taken care of your family, how you bring little gifts when you go out of town. I love how compassionate you are to others. One of the first things I loved about you was how polite and caring you were. Another thing I love about you is that you always went the extra mile for people….if you borrowed their car, you returned it full of gas. If you borrowed a tool or something, you made sure it was clean and shiny when it was returned. I love that you are so giving; that you have always been my cheerleader.

When you left in June, I knew you were unhappy, but I did not know the extent of your pain and hurt. I honestly did not know you felt this way; I just knew that you were unhappy and depressed. I did not realize how much hurt I had caused you by my actions and how much resentment you had for me. How it had built up over the years. I didn’t understand how important some of those needs were to you as a man. I now realize my part for the condition of our marriage. It hurts me that I have been so selfish and I really am sorry for that hurt I caused.

I have done a lot of reading and soul searching these past months and have learned so many things. Tools we need to make a marriage in which we are loving and supportive, open and honest. It gave me hope that things could be different, that I could be different. I have changed these past few months. I want to continue to change and grow into the woman God wants me to be. I still have a lot of work to do, but my hope is one day I might be able to share this with you. But that will not be possible as long as you continue your relationship with OW.

It hurts me so much that I was so easily set aside. Your continued contact with OW was killing me and my love for you. I am not doing this to hurt you, WH, but so that I can keep the love I have for you. I wont be calling or contacting you, but I will email about finances and children if need be. You may email or call the children directly should you wish to talk with them.

WH, I have learned so much these past months, I know that we could have a wonderful marriage if we are both committed to making that happen and if we have the Lord as our foundation. But it would require that you end your relationship with OW forever and agree to seek marriage counseling with me. I know that right now you have no hope that you could ever feel differently for me, but I now know that changing the environment in a marriage can make all the difference in the world to your feelings. And you have always told me that with God there is always hope. Please think and pray about all of this and my hope is that you will choose us again. If you do, then I would be willing to talk to you about it. But until you then, I will refrain from contacting you.

You are my best friend and I love you with all my heart,

A male friend who has been a WH has stated that this letter seems like I am desperate. That it should not sound so desperate and so sweet.
But this is also coming from a control freak like me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Opinions?

Katie,

I shared the same reaction as your friend initially. Doesn't leave alot for mystery but it is very, very warm.

You know what type of letter will get his attention and say what you need to say though.

Hoping you can get some more input before you send it.

Hope you are still feeling that peace too!

Another thought Katie.

I think it would best if this letter was written in YOUR own hand writing. (NOT TYPED)

And definitely do NOT send via email.

That way it would be more likely to be read over and over and not just deleted!

Bottom line, use your best judgement.
You don't sound 'desperate' to me.

I think the thing about Plan B is, at first, their male ego is CRUSHED to think you could SURVIVE without them in your life and they keep trying to call etc. (We would feel the same if we were PLAN B'ed!)

And then, as has been mentioned in Caren's thread, they get their self esteem back in full force and think I WILL SHOW HER and they do a kinda PLan B of their own and DON'T CALL and make you sit alone and wonder.

So, this is just a little warning for you, so you will be mentally prepared, as this very likely will happen after a few days or weeks.

I like the advice to come here to MB for 15-20 mins and then do some work around the house for 15- 20 mins. (Setting a timer is a good idea)

It will feel good to you, if you have accomplished some household tasks each day.

Maybe make a batch of healthy vegetable soup, bake a cake, something tangible.

With love and caring, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Ok after listening to everybody and myself, I am confused! lol Soooo, to cover everything and not sound desperate, this is my final letter. If I have made some LB's unknowingly, let me know. Otherwise, I am tired of trying to get this out and I will go with this.

WH,
I want to apologize to you for my part in creating your unhappiness in our marriage. I did not realize how much hurt I had caused you by my actions and how much resentment you had for me. How it had built up over the years. I didn’t understand how important some of those needs were to you as a man. I now realize my part for the condition of our marriage. It hurts me that I have been so selfish and I really am sorry for that hurt I caused you.

I have done a lot of reading and soul searching these past months and have learned a lot of things. Tools needed to make a marriage loving, supportive, open and honest. It gave me hope that things could be different, that I could be different. I want to continue to change and grow into the woman God wants me to be. But as long as you continue your relationship with OW, I will do this alone.

You may call the kids or email them. I will email about the kids and finances only. If you want to make arrangements to see the kids, then I will not be here when you come by. Please respect my decision to separate this way. It hurts me that I was so easily set aside and your continued relationship with OW is killing my love for you. I still love you, but I just cannot see you under these conditions.

If you are willing to permanently separate from OW and go to marriage counseling, I would be willing to discuss this with you. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday, a new marriage on truth and honesty. But I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are with OW.

I love you so much, WH
Katie

Katie,

I like it, but think you should add your origianl first paragraph in again, only pared down a bit.

The way you told him what his good qualities were and how you fell in love with him for those good qualities. Like Julie said it will make him think of what a good man he was.

Then I think it will be perfect. (i'm not a Plan B letter expert though mind you)

I'm sorry, I know you just want to bop me in the head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yeah I am ready to bop some heads!!! lol Quite a few of them.

Thanks Weaver, for helping me. Sometimes I feel alone, even here. Thank you for taking the time to respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Katie

Katie,

The letter is better, though I did like most of your original 1st paragraph but understand that could detract from the intent of the letter which is more important.

You wrote: It hurts me that I have been so selfish and I really am sorry for that hurt I caused you.

I would change this to: It hurts me to see how we both have hurt our marriage and relationship. One day, we hope see my husband and the father of our children returned to his family. We miss you dad.


Ok Katie, putting a bit of the children into this letter since they are affected also.

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would change this to: It hurts me to see how we both have hurt our marriage and relationship. I year to one day, see my husband and father of our children returned to his family. We miss you dad. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didnt get the part of I year to one day??
I assume you meant to write, I pray to one day see my husband and father of our children returned to his family.
I added.. Our children miss you.

I also fixed the first paragraph to read...
When we met 22 yrs ago, I thought you were the kindest, sweetest guy I had ever met. You made me feel so special. I love how you have always taken care of your family; how you bring little gifts when you go out of town and how compassionate you are to others. You always try to go the extra mile for people....if you borrowed their car, you returned it filled with gas. I love that you are giving and have always been my cheerleader.

The rest is the same. I do have a question as to whether you think I should send a copy of this to the OW with a note at the bottom....such as SAA states one such person did. I would really like to do that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Katie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong> I just know I am sort of glad he is out of the house. It has been calm and peaceful here. Is that wrong?

A home should be a calm and peaceful place. It should be a sanctuary for you and your children. A place to find healing, to find strength and to be happy in.

If someday he is able to share and contribute to your peaceful sanctuary, then all the better. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel the same way - with WW out of the house, things have been so peaceful. I miss her terribly, and everytime I talk to her or see her, my heart breaks all over again. But the peace at home...

It's amazing..

David

Katie,

Sorry for the confusion. I know you don't need more of that. LOL!!!

I fixed the paragraph, please see if it makes more sense now.

Sorry, ;(

L.

Yes, I miss my husband as well. I see something or hear a song and want to share it with him....but he is not here. At he same time, the stress of wondering if he is talking to her or seeing her or emailing her....It is not under my nose. I just have to assume it is going on. But the wondering day in and day out if this is the day he is leaving and not coming back....
Kids and I are managing on our own. Boring at times and lonely, but less stress.

Katie

Ok Orchid and Weaver....one more time..

Dear Wh,

When we met 22 years ago, I thought you were the kindest, sweetest guy. You made me feel so special. I love how you have always taken care of your family; how you bring little gifts when you go out of town and how compassionate you are to others. You always try and go the extra mile for people…if you borrowed their car, you returned it full of gas. I love that you are giving have always been my cheerleader.

I want to apologize to you for my part in creating your unhappiness in our marriage. I did not realize how much hurt I had caused you by my actions, how much resentment you had for me or how it had built up over the years. I didn’t understand how important some of those needs were to you as a man. It hurts me to see how we have both hurt our marriage and relationship. We pray one day we will see my husband and the father of our children is returned to his family. We miss you, Dad.

I have done a lot of reading and soul searching these past months and have learned a lot of things. Tools needed to make a marriage loving, supportive, open and honest. It gave me hope that things could be different, that I could be different. I want to continue to change and grow into the woman God wants me to be. But as long as you continue your relationship with OW, I will do this alone, with our children.

You may call the kids or email them. I will email concerning the kids and finances only. If you want to make arrangements to see the kids, then I will not be here when you come by. Please respect my decision to separate this way. Your continued relationship with OW is hurting me and is hurting our children. I still love you, but I just cannot see you under these conditions.

If you are willing to permanently separate from OW and will go to marriage counseling, I would be willing to discuss this with you. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday, a new marriage built on truth and honesty. But I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are with OW.

I love you so much, WH

Very good!

David

Ok, it has been said there is too much fluff in the previous letter. After tapping into a little of the anger and a little of the hurt, this is what I have come up with.

Wh,

I want to apologize to you for my part in creating your unhappiness in our marriage. It hurts me to see how we both have hurt our marriage and relationship. I am working on changing myself so that I won’t make those mistakes in the future.
So I am going to avoid seeing and talking to you. Our contact will be limited to the kids and finances only. You may call the kids or email them. If you want to make arrangements to see them, then I will not be here when you come by. Please respect my decision to separate this way. Even though I love you dearly, I cannot allow you to continue to hurt me or the kids with your continued relationship with OW. The kids are very sad at your choice and they miss you, as I do.

Only if you are willing to permanently separate from OW and go to marriage counseling, will I be willing to discuss this with you. I pray one day we might rebuild our marriage, a new marriage, together. I still love you even now, but I won’t share you with OW.

Always your friend and all my love,
Katie

I noticed today that OW updated her profile on yahoo....not lookin good for the home team. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Katie