First off, "WARNING: Adult Content ahead."

OK, you have been warned. I will try to keep it as clean as possible. Left home this morning to play golf (shot an 88!), left house at 6:20, got back around 4:00 this afternoon. Anyway, while W was in the shower, I checked the spyware, usually don't find anything on it, but it sometimes gives me an insight into what W is thinking, etc. Plus, it is the way I busted her. She must think it is off of the computer. I did take it off for a while, but put it back on later w/o her knowing.

Anyway, she gets on the computer at 6:58, and googles "how to give a BJ", and reads up on several websites about techniques! Then, and this has me just floored, she googles "anal sex" and reads a couple advice/technique website, and then goes to a porno site and watches 3 one-minute long videos about anal! W flips out if I surf for porn, which I admit I do from time to time. Now she is watching! I cannot believe this!

Background: SF is my #1 EA, by far. It is definately low on her list. In fact, last nite, I got turned away from SF. Sex with us has been very ruitine, and I have tried to spice it up a little, but she doesn't want to, happy with "the usual". About 2 months ago, we had a discussion about friend that is going thru a divorce right now (H is a real loser, I am glad friend is leaving). W's friend tells her (W) that x-hubby always wanted to do anal, and other deviant sexual stuff, which she sometimes did, and resents the hell out of him for it. W is telling this, and asks if I would want to do anal, and I say "yeah, of course". She asks me why I have never asked her to do it, and I reply "B/c I know you will say no, and would be mad at me for asking. I respect you too much to force you into that." Pretty good answer, I thought, and I meant it. Also, as for anything oral, she does not "give", same thing, don't want to force her, and have her resent me.

So, what is up? W is at her friend's house tonite to eat dinner and watch movie. I cannot believe I saw that she was surfing for that stuff. For what it is worth, she spent almost 30 mins surfing for that stuff. How to read this? Am I heading for the greatest v-day surprise ever? If she never brings up these subjects, should I be worried? I can't say anything b/c she will know I have the spyware still. On the surface seems very promising, but pretty scary too. Would love to hear what y'all think, especially from the ladies out there, and double especially from the FWWs.

It might simply be a legitimate attempt at self-education. Any reasonable adult would be aware that porn is just about the worst place to go for sex education, but hey, some people do make that mistake, as obvious as it seems.

She might simply be trying to figure out what the appeal is. It honestly mystifies me, so she might be equally puzzled by this pheonomenon and might be looking to understand it.

Edited to add: I was referring to anal sex in the above.

Oral sex I understand the appeal of just fine. And by the way, before I performed oral sex on my ex for the first time, I did what your wife did -- I went looking for explanations of technique.

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: mineownself ]</small>

Yuck - I think I can speak for many women.

But sounds like she is considering it. Might be a great V day for you.

My guess? She's considering it, has no idea how to do it, and is getting "pointers". If she's not feeling certain about techniques, etc., and/or if she's embarrassed about it since it's something new for her, you shouldn't say a word right now. Any mention of this could make her feel pressured, and she'll run from it.

Give her time to mull it over and decide whether it's something she wants to do. And if she makes a move on ya', PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE her. She is probably afraid she'll do it all wrong!

Good luck,
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> PM

I to ck'd this out as H always seemed to want to. He found out and has not asked just embarassed the hell out of me. Now I will not even tlak about that subject. So do not say anything. Just let it go. She may want to please you and is trying to find out how it is done, Yuck but some people like it I guess.

Ya know, if she were to suggest the "back door", I would probably not do it. I do not believe we are in a point of our relationship right now that we should do that. It is such a taboo, and I know for a woman, it is such an issue of trust, that I feel if I were to accept, it might still backfire on me. She can't even say ILY right now, I am not sure that we need this extra variable in the equation.

But, for the "oral", I would just let her go! I think that is more mainstream, that it could be a real bonding experience, b/c she knows I wish she would do that for me. I know it is totally selfish, but hey, men like it!

As for V-day, I have already told her, I want to make her dinner after the kids go to bed. I am not much of a cook, but I grill a mean steak, along with a baked potato, salad and a killer bottle of wine, hopefully we can just sit together, around a couple of candles, and be happy together. Would take that any day now.

I would also guess that she wants to do this for you. I look up things when I am curious, and there is a move that the OW did, that I am clueless about and am thinking of looking for that, so that I can do that for my H.
Also, I guess I am one of those strange woman, but both of those things are great! I admit in the past I have not been into the oral, but have gotten better since my H's affair! And women, if you haven't tried the back door, you can't say yuck, b/c I did too! I resisted for years!
Man, if she does give this to you, all I can say is take it easy, b/c it does hurt at first. Let her take control and go as slow as SHE needs, even when it you want to go farther. Trust me, she will enjoy it a lot more if she determines how far it goes.
Just some pointers from a sick woman, I guess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: truetoself ]</small>

Do you have independent verification that she is where she said she was going? Are you verifing her whereabouts when she goes out? It seems like she has to go out somewhere every weekend and this makes me very leery.

Can you put a GPS unit on her car and check her cell phone bill?

First, as always, thanks for the replies.

ML, I am beginning to think you are a glass is half full kinda gal... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you have independent verification that she is where she said she was going? Are you verifing her whereabouts when she goes out? It seems like she has to go out somewhere every weekend and this makes me very leery. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Went out last nite, I verified the mileage in the car, matched within 1 mile. Plus, when I called her on her cell, actually spoke with her friend. BTW, her friend really wants me and W to either work it out or end it as well as possible. She says in front of my W, that I am "a sweetheart". I have personally called in favors for W's friend, which even STBXH would not do for her or son. So, she is in my debt. I do not believe she would lie to me for W.

Today, she went into school to get ready for the week. Called 3 times on the class phone, batted 1.000.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you put a GPS unit on her car and check her cell phone bill? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GPS is worthless, I can track her my mileage just as well. Plus, to get a GPS for here (Italy) would run over $1K, not worth it. Time for GPS has come and gone. As for the cell phone, it is prepaid, no bills available. I can check her phone whenever I want, but she can also "edit" her phone, so what's the point? I have told her, that if she ever contacts OM again, we are done, and she knows I mean it. I really do not believe she has not seen OM since the chance run-in at a restaurant 8 months ago when I was with her.

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: betrayed man ]</small>

I don't know, I just have a feeling that her "reporting" of his "unexpected" call last weekend when she was at work was more of a fishing expedition to CYA than anything. It just doesn't make sense. First off, he would have no reason to think you called his phone and secondly, if he thought you HAD, what would the problem with talking to you if the affair has ended? And why would he assume it was YOU and not HER? Why would his response be to call your wife? Could it be because she DID call him? The story just doesn't add up.

And how does he have her cell phone #? Shouldn't she change it if he is calling her?

I just don't see the behavior of recovering spouse, BM. There are NO signs here of a withdrawal. I see a WS who is still very secretive and is still hiding things.

I am not a pessimistic person, but I am a realistic person who has seen an awful lot around here in the past few years.

I am not at all reassured by the fact that the girlfriend got on the phone and vouched for your W. It is very common for females to cover up for their friends. Even a good woman can be conned into thinking she should help her friend keep her dirty secret lest she "harm her friend." And after all, "she is my friend!" Very common.

BM, I sure do I hope I am wrong as rain, but I smell a rat here and it would make me feel much better if you would keep your eyes peeled and your ears open.

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, he would have no reason to think you called his phone and secondly, if he thought you HAD, what would the problem with talking to you if the affair has ended? And why would he assume it was YOU and not HER? Why would his response be to call your wife? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem with me calling is OM does not speak english and I don't speak italian. When I was calling before (and lying about it to W) I was doing it basically to screw with him. When I would call OM's cell, I would hide my caller ID, until one time when I screwed up and forgot and he got my cell #. I promised to stop calling OM, and have not called/harassed him for a couple of months. Why my W believed OM and not me, is b/c I lyed about it in the past.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't see the behavior of recovering spouse, BM. There are NO signs here of a withdrawal. I see a WS who is still very secretive and is still hiding things.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have seen the tears, I have seen the hopelessness in her eyes. I have been out with her shopping, when she hears a phrase in italian that he used to say to her, and breaks down in tears. You did not see her the day he called her, she was totally shaken. She is still going thru WD, and probably will until we leave italy b/c of all the triggers here.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not at all reassured by the fact that the girlfriend got on the phone and vouched for your W. It is very common for females to cover up for their friends. Even a good woman can be conned into thinking she should help her friend keep her dirty secret lest she "harm her friend." And after all, "she is my friend!" Very common.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I gotta go with my gut on this one. I trust her friend, and I consider her a friend also. I have done many things to help her out, so I feel she has some loyalty to me. She is also the type that wears her emotions on her face. If she were covering for W, no way she could look me in the eye.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BM, I sure do I hope I am wrong as rain, but I smell a rat here and it would make me feel much better if you would keep your eyes peeled and your ears open.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust me, I just haven't stopped checking up, still check mileage, now that she is working, her time during the day is accounted for, still have the spyware. As for the phone, what can I do? If she is going to call him, I will have no way of knowing. I have no other choice but prepaid cells here. I posted a while back that I was really having a hard time trusting W. One piece of advice I got was to just trust, if anything is going on, I will find it eventually. I have made a point to try to trust her, while still checking up on her w/o smothering her. She has done things to make sure I know where she is, and if plans change, she keeps me posted. Honestly, I think we are doing OK, as well as can be expected here. We need to move, get a change of scenery, and completely eliminate OM from the picture.

I for one was curious about the whole appeal of these types of sites. FWH looks at them occasionally and I wanted to "educate" myself.

Betrayed-

I think it's very possible that she was looking at those things for educational purposes. I also would NEVER give my husband oral, because I have NEVER felt good at it, we've been together 12 years, and I've never been able to do it to completion, so I decided...forget it. I would ask him for some "feedback" as to what I was doing right....or wrong for that matter, and he always said "I don't know", I asked alot of my friends, trying to get some tips...One of these friends was a gay man, I thought surely he'd be able to help me.....no such luck, he tried to explain it, but nothing really helped.

I also did research on this on the internet. I was looking for some kind of "instructions"....again didn't find any.

My husband also always desired anal sex too, and I thought that it was degrading. I tried a time or two, but it was very painful.

Well after my husband and I separated and I would either go to his house for SF or he'd come here, I FINALLY mastered oral, and also was able to do the big "taboo", I actually took over, and was on top at the time, he didn't know what to do with himself. He said "Okay, who are you, and what'd you do with my wife?" LMAO

So, truetoself don't feel 'weird'...well at least count me among the weirdos LOL!!!!!

I am actually really glad that the women here have responded how "gross" and unnatural it is, because I've ALWAYS been willing to bet I'm one of the few women he was EVER gonna talk into that....20 dollars says the OW doesn't do it, well...isn't that special, one more thing I do better than she does <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The long and short of it, Betrayed, is I looked up things like this on the internet too...so I don't think it's necessarily suspect, you might be getting a pretty good Valentines Day surprise.

-Caren

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Actually, the most surprising part of this is when she looked at these sites. It was the first thing she did after she woke up. Musta been helluva dream.

BM , I know this is really juvenile and I have been accused of having a sick sense of humor but I'm still laughing about the if I try the back door I think it might backfire on me comment.

Sorry, I just had to say something.

Poor choice of words <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BM,

You should pay attention to Melody.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW, her friend really wants me and W to either work it out or end it as well as possible. She says in front of my W, that I am "a sweetheart". I have personally called in favors for W's friend, which even STBXH would not do for her or son. So, she is in my debt. I do not believe she would lie to me for W.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't, even for a minute, think that you WW friend is in your debt. That is a very poor judgement. Another point is that she either wants to you save your M or end it amicably. Well those two desires do not match.

Sounds like she wants your W to do whatever makes her happy at a particular time. If WW wants to end it, then her friend will support her to end it amicably. If it is not amicable, then it will be your fault.

Sorry to be a stick in the mud. But as Melody said, many people here have lived it. And much much worse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Trust me, I just haven't stopped checking up, still check mileage, now that she is working, her time during the day is accounted for, still have the spyware. As for the phone, what can I do? If she is going to call him, I will have no way of knowing. I have no other choice but prepaid cells here. I posted a while back that I was really having a hard time trusting W. One piece of advice I got was to just trust, if anything is going on, I will find it eventually. I have made a point to try to trust her, while still checking up on her w/o smothering her. She has done things to make sure I know where she is, and if plans change, she keeps me posted. Honestly, I think we are doing OK, as well as can be expected here. We need to move, get a change of scenery, and completely eliminate OM from the picture. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the assurance, BM. The only thing I would suggest is that you should not try and trust her. All of the work needs to be done by her, not you. She has to earn trust, you can't restore trust for her.

I think one of the most dangerous things someone can do is to afford trust to an untrustworthy person. That is just asking for it. But it sounds like you are keeping your eyes peeled, and that is really all you can do. Take care.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Betrayed,

if you want a good site for sex this one is nice. web page it's called themarriagebed

You could always tell ww that you found this site today and take a look at it with her

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 08:39 AM: Message edited by: Enchantedlady ]</small>

Follow up: Nothing happened! Actually it was a nice V-day. The girls made some really cute things at school, got a card and chocolates from W. I gave her a card, CD she had been wanting and chocolates. I also surprised her when I came home from w/flowers. Made a simple dinner of steak, baked potato, salad and wine. She has not been feeling well the last couple of days, and has not been sleeping well, so I saw the writing on the wall about SF. She even apologized, saying she was just not feeling well, and wasn't up for SF. I said, I know, it can wait. All in all, not a bad V-day, all things considered.