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#1276159 02/12/05 11:04 PM
Joined: Dec 2004
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Hey everyone,

Wow, I've never had two threads going on at once but this one is on a totally different subject. I am kind of in a quandary. My brother's wife had an affair about 9 years ago, they have since reconciled and seem to be doing great except for one thing. My SIL is still very dishonest about finances and this really bothers me. She has two credit cards that my brother has no knowledge of. It is one of his biggest complaints about her--that she spends too much money and hides it. I know about them because I get the mail occasionally and she has told me to never mention these particular bills to my brother. He found out about a different credit card about a month ago and went ballistic. She had the opportunity then to "come clean."

What really bothers me additionally, is that she pays my 14 year old nephew to cover for her. She is out of town for a few days and he knows to get the mail and hide these two bills. She basically pays him for his silence. I can't stand this. I have talked to my nephew about this-- that it is dishonest on his mother's part and that spouses should not have such secrets from each other. He rationalizes that it's okay because he knows his dad would get really mad. I am soooo frustrated because this will affect his future relationship with whoever he marries.

What should I do? I have tried to talk to SIL about it but she just tells me my brother will blow up so she doesn't want to tell him. I feel like I am also betraying my brother my being privy to this info and not doing something. It may seem like a small thing to my SIL, but to me, and (I know) to my brother honesty is a BIG deal. If she is being secretive about money, what else? Any suggestions? Do I try to talk with SIL once again. I don't want to be the one to tell my brother. I don't want my nephew to continue to aid and abet his mother in lying to his father. As I said, I know it will affect him in the future.

Thanks for listening.

Suzanne

#1276160 02/12/05 11:19 PM
Joined: Jun 2003
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Well not completely there on this, but I do have two SILs who do alot I do not agree with...

IMHO, stay out of it. No good can come out of you getting involved there. Why do you even know these things? If SIL is confiding in you about things that you are uncomfortable knowing, then ask her to stop!

You could talk to her again, encourage her to talk to your brother, but ultimately that decision and course of action is hers... Same w/ the nephew, you cannot parent properly for her, nor can you force her to do so. If you are truly looking to help here, you may help SIL by encouraging her to talk to her H and also maybe something to help her approach w/ a repayemnt plan to ease the shock and fear...

Is it wrong, yep, but what do you hope to gain by letting it all out? You cannot read into her integrity or lack therof, either... and even so, you can out all of this and you could become the offender!

FWH recently talked w/ his Mom about his CSA and tried to talk to his Dad...he was the victim, he and his sisters... yet now his Dad and both sisters have disowned him (even though SILs both talked about CSA in the past, so not made up and not new!!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Yup, this is best left alone... not really your place anyway, just my two cents! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1276161 02/12/05 11:26 PM
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Thank you Tx-RN,

I really wish I didn't know. But, I have pretty much decided to keep this info to myself. I just second guess myself. If anything, I would only discuss it with SIL. If I bring it up to my brother, I am afraid it will damage the relationship with both. Not a happy prospect. My biggest problem is that I HATE dishonesty. I am honest even when I will suffer because of it. That has been one of the biggest problems I have had with doing Plan A, I seem unable to act as if what is going on, isn't. To put up a false front is the ultimate in dishonesty. That is what allows affairs to begin and to flourish. Of course, radical honesty is what there should be between my brother and his wife. You are right I should not be in the middle of it. It just irks me to no end.

Thank you.

Suzanne

#1276162 02/12/05 11:37 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
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Hi SuSu.

I have to disagree with keeping the info to yourself.

For whatever reason, you are privy to the knowledge. That includes some responsibility, especially since your family is being damaged.

I think you should tell your brother immediately.

You might think that he has a relationship with your SIL. If she is doing what you describe, then that relationship is already very broken, and the truth is certainly not going to break it any worse than it already is.

Whether you tell or not, some damage is already done. What you can do, is prevent further damage by telling your brother the truth.

Wouldn't you want to know?

Gimble

#1276163 02/12/05 11:40 PM
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SuSu,
You know this kind of hit home for me, as my brothers ex-wife used to hide credit card bills from him. He'd find them under the seat in the car and in the trunk. He'd find them ripped up in the garbage.
I don't get it. It is a bill that she owed, yet she got rid of it like it didn't exist.

How is your SIL paying these bills for the extra credit cards? My brother's wife was not paying them. When the marriage was over, it was then my brother's responsibility to pay off that $10,000 that she had charged up on the cards.

It is wonderful that you are thinking of your nephew's future. If your brother found out about the other card and went ballistic, then I think that he would obviously be bothered by this whole situation.
Is your brother extra-tight with money? Some people are just "like that." If so, then maybe you shouldn't say anything. If not and he is just a guy trying to get ahead, then maybe you should consider saying something.
It would depend on the relationship you want to keep with your sister in law.
You know how families can be. My husband's family has kept a lot of secrets and I just don't get it. I am so honest that I can't even call in to work and pretend I'm sick. It just doesn't work for me. Good luck!!

Suzy

#1276164 02/13/05 01:10 AM
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Hi Gimble and Suzy,

My brother and his wife hav e a marriage that is totally weird in my opinion, but they have been married since 1986. They do not share a bedroom, they state that this is because both snore and keep the other awake. They also do not share finances totally. Even to the extent that my SIL bought her truck from my brother. WEIRD, but that's their business. My SIL has a job that she gets to keep all the money from. She is a shopaholic, mostly thrift stores and garage sales, but she constantly shops. She will be the first to admit this. The problem is that when she depletes the money from her account, she then dips into the joint account to get by until the next payday. My brother doesn't have a problem with her shopping as long as she doesn't "dip" too much. My brother also does tend to be very tight with the money. He is self-employed and has been for a long time. While his business is good and he works very hard, he doesn't like to overcharge people (he's a mechanic and a lot of his customers are older people). He tries to put money away for retirement and in case he is injured. His wife sees that he has some money put away and reasons that it is there to spend. She doesn't look at the future, she looks at the here and now only. I'm not trying to cut my SIL down, but she takes things to the Goodwill because she gets tired of looking at them, ie. a brand new blender that was cluttering her cupboard, a TV that was in the garage, my daughter's bike. Not things that are ready to be gotten rid of, then she buys more stuff. This makes my brother crazy. I might add here that she takes AD's for OCD. So he tries to cut her some slack. It's the dishonesty that makes him crazy.

I really wish I didn't know about this. I know about it because SIL was my friend before she met my brother and she feels that she can trust me. I don't want to be in this position. I get the mail sometimes so she told me that if either one of these two bills come to hide them in her room. She has a little stash where she keeps them, then she pays for them with her checking account. (She does keep them paid) I wish she would just be honest about it with my brother.

She is eccentric, but I love my SIL so I don't want to hurt my relationship with her. And I have told her I don't feel comfortable keeping this from my brother.

Gimble, if it was me, yes I would want to know.

Argh how do I get into these dumb things? More importantly, how do I get out of it?


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