D-day was in June 2004 and I am still struggling with what happened when my husband decided to have an internet affair with someone he knew 20 years ago.

He has since told me that he loves me and never planned on leaving me as he had told his OW. Just all the things they discussed still weigh heavy on me and I don;t believe a word he says. He proclaims his love for me and says he will do what ever it takes to fix this. The one thing I asked him to do it read a book, he has read some of it.

He is in the military and currently deployed. My fear was that he is gone and we haven't really had time to work on our marriage, though even the time he was here before he left, we didn't cause he just figures it is over and we should just go on with life. Still acts that way today. We are in contact through email everyday.

I am currently in IC trying to deal with this myself.

I guess my question is, how long do I have to struggle with all this pain. It is still very painful to me and I figure it is because he says it meant nothing, but it did mean something to me. He tells me I am the love of his life, but I sure don't feel like it.

How do I convey to him how I feel? That this is not just going to go away. I am angry, hurt and it still feels very raw.

Have any of you dealt with this? what did you do? How did you deal? Did you just tell it like it is and let the cards land where they may? I just don't know. It seems like a long time to be feeling this way. I figure without him around, it would be easier, but it is not. I am trying to take this time to work on me, but this 'thing' just hangs around and won't go away.

Thanks

I am sorry you are still dealing with this but most BS will deal with healing for a long time. Much longer than the run of the A.

Your H is deployed and that does make healing harder. Your trust factor is shot and reviving it is difficult on your own. You can however, work on your personal recovery. Where are you with that?

As for your marital recovery, that will require the effort of both you and your H together. Some of it c/b done even though he is away but s/b completed when he returns.

Now he thinks it's over and you both can just move on? Maybe he can or it is his way of NOT facing the music. Maybe he does not see how badly you are hurting. Maybe he is scared of what it will take to help you bring closure. Maybe he doesn't know you need closure.

Can you ask him these questions? Try to approach your needs from an angle of asking him instead of telling him. It takes longer but more palatable to most recoverying spouses.

JMHO,
L.