Well....It's now been a year...since FWW moved out the 1st. time. July was the day of telling me the truth and she started NC and moved back home. She has always said she loves me...has moved out and back 3 or 4 times and can't seem to stick to her desicion, but always ask to be alone then misses me...and when I'm about through, and ready to stop our marriage she returns and the cycle starts over...we don't fight....she says she is very secure when she is with me, has not had contact with the OM...but seems to becoming "too close" of friends with a male co-worker....and is starting top have "feelings", she said she keeps 2nd guessing her decision...and I'm the 1st she has shared this with...the co-worker is unknowing of this and most people in her office including this guy...don't know that she is trying to work things out with me.. How many recovery FWS's understand these feelings and she asks about ..."I love you" but somethimes don't feel "In love?"...she is great for sharing this and admitting it's her promblem, but what and where do I look to help her?. Thanks and pray for Deb.

Nothing....?

Welderboy, I am not a FWS. But I think everything she is saying is still fogspeak. I am standing outside your situation, of course, and looking in, and it looks like to me that she is using you, playing you, and messing with your mind. She comes, she goes, she comes back, she goes back, and you are there waiting for her. I'm not anyone who should advise others on this forum, but I think you should read up on Plan B. If she keeps coming back, you're not doing a real plan B. You are her safety net. Stop being there for her. Let her live with her mess for a while. no contact, no support, nothing. Find friends and go out. Make a life without her. She needs a rude awakening. And you must provide it.

Hi Welderboy, The weekends are slow. I'm making my family's dinner around looking at MB. I hope somebody can give you some advice. I'm not at a place I can do that right now.

I can work on the prayer part.

She has to grow up--if there is anyway you can get her into IC, then she will be much better off and you will too in the long run.

Here is my view:

When you first fall in love and meet that special "someone", you are dizzy and so elated to be with them.

After a while, that feeling goes away. Something much more important and deeper is developing, but it sure doesn't feel like the first dizzying love you have.

If a person wants that dizzy kind of love back, then they can flirt a little and find something similar to it with another person. It is kind of a nostalgia for "lost youth".

In fact, you can kind of "jazz up" your relationship with her and give her more of the romance in your relationship that she wants.

Unfortunately, her adventures are delaying and perhaps destroying the development of a much deeper, more intense love with you.

Hi.
I am not an expert here by any means. However, I am an FWS.

I don't know if what she is doing is fog or not. I will say this... For as much as the BS thinks "How could this person do this to me?" so does the WS. Thousands of times I have said to myself,"What was I thinking?" or "Do I really love this person if I can do this to them?"

I know that answers to my questions but I can tell you that it is very confusing to the WS if they are genuinely a good person. Not unlike dealing with the fact that you have murdered someone if it is not a normal behavior you exhibit, I would think.

And because it is a confucing time for the WS as well, they run the world of thoughts through their heads and try to make sense of it.

The positives. She has come to you and discussed this issue without holding anything back it seems. That is a big thing, given the situation and should be recognized. Now, since she has recognized temptation, she must turn away from it. That does not mean quit the job or something knee-jerk and drastic. Just turn away from the temptation. Probably simplistic, but does the solution have to be difficult?

Overall, I think it is noteworthy that she came to you with this and did not try to hide it.

Good luck to you. The best way you can help is if YOU want your marriage, then fill her love bank, provide for her ENs and protect her from LBs. If she vascillates later, then you need to continue to do what you can to support the marriage until you decide you are done with it.

My opinion is you are either all in, or you are all out. There is no middle gorund where you hedge your bets in marriage to me. Again, my opinion. Good luck

**EDIT** I thought about what I had read and maybe it seems uncompassionate towards the BS. I am only trying to give insight to a FWS. Maybe it is good insight. Maybe it's not. As for as the being the BS, I am of course tremedously sorry that you are in the position you are in. I find it difficult quite often to look at myself in the mirror and not want to punch the guy I see out. Just once. Maybe get a point across. Anyway, I am sorry for the road you have laid before you, for I understand that you didn't even have the decision to have to walk it. Please take care.

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: patriot92 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How many recovery FWS's understand these feelings and she asks about ..."I love you" but somethimes don't feel "In love?"</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welderboy, during my fog and withdrawal I felt very confused about my feelings for XOM and questioned my feelings for my H. This was all part of the ‘fog’ and my own lack of knowledge and understanding about the nature of love and the differences between infatuation; “falling” in love and mature love in a M. I didn’t understand how it could be possible to develop such deep “in love” feelings for another man while you still love your own spouse… I thought it couldn’t be possible to have feelings for two men at the same time. However, I have read and researched a lot on this topic and discovered the following (it will also give you some insight into the head of a WS):

People and especially WS’s often confuse real, stable & mature love (which can only be obtained through a long, committed relationship like a M) with the first stages of immature, puppy love when people “fall” in love and when hormones and chemicals are running high… These are 2 completely different types of love (mature & immature) and many people often expect to always have those “in love” feelings for their partner. They think something is wrong with the M if those euphoric feelings wears off… When the WS then get involved with someone else and experience those early stages of love & feelings again, they start to say to their spouses: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. I thought the same thing after my EA ended, but I have learned and grown and realized that I was indeed “in love” with my H, but in a more mature way. I have learned there is a difference between “falling” in love and “being” in love: Spouses don’t stop to love each other, but instead, love transforms and develops into something more mature and stable.

The following is from a website link and very insightful:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Falling in love is obviously not confined to infidelity. Most contemporary marriages start out with romantic love. But, therapists say, couples have to grow up and understand that "feelings of love are neither steady nor constant but travel in natural cycles," as Abrahms Spring puts it. "If your relationship doesn't live up to your ideas about love, the problem may be not with your relationship but with your ideas," she writes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As explained in the above quote, maybe the problem with your W is her ideas about love and the true meaning of mature love in a M…

Welderboy, I think the fact that your W shared her attraction to the “friend” with you is very positive. At least she was honest and open with you… She was sharing her temptation with you instead of just becoming involved in another A again. Maybe her sharing with you was a scream for help? One of the guidelines to keep temptations at arms length is indeed to share you attraction and temptations with your spouse and be honest and open about it. Your W shared with you and that's very good, but it's clear that your W hasn't yet succeed in setting strong and effective boundaries with the opposite sex... Maybe this article will be of help & insight to her.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 03:01 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Thanks all...

Well after dinner Monday evening...Deb had made an appointment with her family Pastor.....she came home a few hours later...tired and didn't say much. I guess there is quite a bit of this she is trying to handle herself. Please cont. to pray for us. Thanks.

Tonights...latest. I've came home from work...12 hr. shift, home was if FWW? had left it this morning....no lights not message nothing on the answering machine or my cell....as if she disappeared....Heck...who knows anymore.