A friend of mine at work told me what his brother does for entertainment. He is divorced and looks for married women in their late thirties to have affairs with. He says they are prime targets as they are nearing 40 and may be questioning their marriages. He has been involved in some very messy situations but he enjoys the thrill of it.

Now I want to know what type of SOB this guy is. Does he have ANY idea the hell he puts betrayed husbands, children, family and eventually the WS through? Has he no morals??? He hurts so many people just to get laid.

He is despicable and I truly hope he burns in hell.

I want to know what kind of SOB he is, too, because I know him. He was my OM, only difference was, he is married and had done this sort of thing throughout most of it. He said the EXACT SAME THING to me about women nearing 40. Creepy.

NOW

NotOnlyWords,

Can you tell me more? Did you reconcile with your H?

How did this SOB seduce you? How old are you? How long did it last? How did you feel about it? How did you feel about your H during your affair? Did you want to go back to your H after the affair?

Thanks - I just need ideas when my wife will leave the fog.

Thses people are sick! You are right...they have NO morals!!!!

Hi again....am happy to answer your questions.


Yes, my Husband and I DID reconcile...he posts here, too as Recovering H. As soon as the affair was discovered (he read about it in my journal) I stopped the affair right away. I was never to the point in the A where I was sure if I wanted to stay or leave, so my first instinct was to stay. That's complicated, though, because all along I knew somewhere deep down that this OM would never leave his wife and I wasn't so sure I would ever trust him myself completely simply because of all the things he told me about himself. I also stayed with my husband because I knew it was the right thing to do, and finally I had the chance to do something about our marriage and I would have been a fool not to try.
When the affair started I was 41 and it lasted about 16 months. Things started of fairly slowly....the OM started coming around talking to me, saying things that he probably knew would get me to open myself up to him. He was VERY smooth. I just liked talking to him, then started to like his attention because my husband was largely unavailable to me in the past 5 or more years....he works his butt off, which I admire, but I felt left behind.
Anyway, how did he seduce me? I'm not really sure....like I said, he talked to me, got me to open up a bit, and he "sensed" at some point that I was interested in him. He actually TOLD me this. Now, that is true, but I would NEVER have made a move on him. One day he just came to my house and asked me "How far do you want this to go?" Just straight out asked me! I was stunned and I stuttered around trying to find how to respond to that, and I mumbled some things about it not being right, blah, blah, then the next thing I know, he is in my face asking for a kiss. I gave him a REALLY quick peck and backed away. For the first two months, I would not let him into my house...we stood outside and talked. During that time, he wasn't pushy, but would tell me things about himself to make it look like he was vulnerable, open and honest, even while telling me he had slept with other women throughout his marriage. And I started opening up to him about my frustrations. The rest, is history.

I don't even know why I put up with it that long....he never made "promises" to me, just enough to make me think there was a possibility, to keep me going. One day he would tell me how spoiled and selfish I am and that "affairs can make a marriage stronger" and that maybe I expected too much from my husband. Then the next day he would say things like, "yeah, your husband should pay more attention to you, etc." I was almost constantly confused by this guy and I thought I was going to go insane....but I wanted so much to believe the parts when he said I was "special", i reminded him of his "first love", he nver knew a woman like me existed.....on and on.
Still, somewhere within me, I had a feeling he was playing me. I ignored that still small voice.

How did I feel about my husband during the affair? I don't know....I still cared about him, but I didn't like him very much. We had grown apart and it just felt like we were co-existing and I wanted much more than that from him but didn't know if anything I said or di would make a difference. I honestly believed it wouldn't have done any good to just tell him what I needed. I'll never know now.

I felt guilty about the affair while it was going on, because I knew it was wrong, but at the same time I felt justified. I see now that I was wrong. It was HELL on me, always worrying if someone would find out. I tried SEVERAL times to end it....but he wouldn't stay away. I never went to his place, and we never met anywhere....he always came here to my house. A few times when he did come, I didn't answer the door because I just couldn't take the secrecy. Then the next time I would see him, he would say, "Why do you women get so excited? " Meaning, we get too uptight, I guess!

A couple more things....he used to say things like:

"I'm the devil in disguise."

"I'm so good at what I do." (lying, cheating, etc.)

In reference to other women he slept with:

"I just wanted to get in and get out."
"I wouldn't have wanted to wake up next to them in the morning."

One more thing....I KNOW without a doubt that his wife suspected something and more than once, she confronted him about it and he was able to convince her she was being paranoid. In fact, he used to act suspicious of her, just for affect.

I still don't understand what makes a person like this tick. It would have been easier on me if I knew he had genuinely cared and had made an honest mistake. But I seriously believe he knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and didn't care what it might do to me in the end. That is what I had the most trouble dealing with.

Withdrawal took a while for me....maybe 6 months or a little more, because he lives nearby. I see him in passing, still....but honestly don't give a cr*p anymore. He is NOTHING and I felt like a complete fool for having ever believed anything he said.

Now having said all that, I want you to know that I still made a choice to have an affair. Yes, I tried to back out and get out, but I didn't try hard enough. He may have been a "predator", but that is no excuse for ME!
My husband and I have come a long way since then....D-day was last February 16....coming up here on one year this week. It seems like such a long time ago, and yet not so long ago...KWIM?

I am fortunate, when I think about it, that OM was the way he was (is!)....I never quite believed it was "meant to be". I wasn't quite as far gone as a lot of other WS are during an affair. It was still hell.

I hope this gives you some insight....if not, just ask again!

NOW

Hello Notonlywords

Thank you Notonlywords for being so honest. Your explained yourself very well. You discussed something that I have never understood and that is that you were having sex with the OM in your home while your husband was working. I just find that the ultimate in disrespect and humiliation to any spouse. The home should be the one place that is safe and sacred for any spouse. Can you imagine how violated you would have felt if the roles had been reversed?
I guess what I am asking is this: Many wayward spouses have stated that they would never engage in sex with someone else in their home and some do. My question is why didn't you see this as the ultimate in humiliation, disrespect and betrayal to your husband having sex in you and husband's home? I think you are very lucky that you have a very forgiving husband. Many husbands would see this behavior as the ultimate in cheating. I am just trying to understand what you were thinking at the time and why it did not bother you. I would appreciate your thoughts if you do not mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>A friend of mine at work told me what his brother does for entertainment. He is divorced and looks for married women in their late thirties to have affairs with. He says they are prime targets as they are nearing 40 and may be questioning their marriages. He has been involved in some very messy situations but he enjoys the thrill of it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just found out about that from my W - it's kind of a new fad - looking for MILFs. She has been hit on numerous times over the past couple of weeks - really upsetting her. She had no idea what the word meant, they just kept calling her that. Sick individuals....

David

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

BryanP,

It DID bother me. I was NOT thinking- clearly. I AM very lucky my husband is forgiving.
Before this happened, I would have said the same thing as you ..."How could you?"

NOW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is despicable and I truly hope he burns in hell.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow!

I gotta say that anyone who has a belief that such a place exist....and then would HOPE someone ends up there...seems to me to have more serious issues than the one who may actually be deserving of such a place.
I hope your soul finds healing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My STBX thinks he is a good man.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says they are prime targets as they are nearing 40 </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's been a good man for several internet girlfriends.


The man who fathered her children, kept her in house (the one I was thrown out of) and home, gave her a lifestyle in which she could be a SAHM. The man who endured working 2 or 3 jobs for the whole marriage, hardly ever got a cooked meal or an ironed shirt or for that matter a glass of water without having to beg for it. That man is not a good man. The man who always took the worst so his family could have better, who planned for the future, .... he is not the good man.

My STBX deserves better. She should be a princess ... no a queen.

The good man, is the internet pervert. The man who pursues married women on the internet. The man who can't sustain a "real-time" relationship because he is too selfish. To my STBX, this is the good man. The man who is better than me.

Just venting sorry.

Preditors are bad whatever gender. I know of a few women who find married men going through a tough marital time as "prime" opportunties too.

NotOnlyWords .... You make every BS here envious for a woman who could see what the OM is.

There's a lot of men like that out there. Women, too, I'd bet. A long,long time ago, in my 20's, I had an affair with a predator man like this. Absolutely no morals at all. He was nearing 40, I think he went after me as proof that he still "had it".

The only good thing about OPs like that is that when and if the WS gets away from them, the WS are affair-proofed for life. I know I am.

B4Long,

I appreciate your opinion but I feel that anyone that purposely gets involved and breaking up a marraige deserves to go to hell. Has this man sat up at night with my DS and DD and listen to them cry for mommy to come home? My kids don't deserve the pain they are going through at all. And it is real pain, believe me because I am going through it.

I have 4 oppurtunities in my life to cheat and never once did it.

No, I don't have issues. I am mad as hell at this guy and my WS and I have right to be.

Keith

I agree with you BHINWI!!!!

I agree with you BHINWI!!!!

i agree that anyone that comes between a person and their spouse and family should go to hell...i attempted to cheat as you all know BUT i realized that it was wrong and could not carry thru...i still lost my W but only due to her infidelities and deceitfulness ....
i am sure you didnt expect this reply but i am truly sorry that i ever attempted to cheat

Bryanp,

After reading your response to notonlyword’s, I just need to say the following:

You must remember that the FORMER WS’s who’re posting here are exactly that – FORMER!!! A FWS who works through recovery (like notlonlywords knows and understands the pain and damage they have cause their M and BS). The FWS have lived through their own pain and hurt as well. It’s difficult for everyone – BS’s and FWS’s alike.

Further you must realize it take much courage for a FWS to 'stick their necks out' and open themselves up and share themselves honestly and openly on these boards like onlywords have done on this thread… But we as FWS’s do that because we want to help other people and give insight (especially to BS’s to help them understand their own WS/FWS’s).

I’m telling you all this because, as a FWS myself, some of the things you said to notonlywords appeared very insensitive (almost reproachful) towards her... I’m sure you doesn’t mean it that way and I can understand where you are coming from as a BS, but I can ‘sense’ from her post that she found your response hurtful. I don't think she will open herself up on this thread again and it's a pity because her posts could have been of much further help & insight to the poster of this thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Notonlywords already know how disrespectful etc. her behavior was towards her H and M and it wasn't necessary for you to remind her about it again because, as I've said, she already KNOWS it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I just wanted to make you aware of this… It’s good for BS’s and FWS’s to try to always treat each other with sensitivity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 04:15 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

There are many BH on here who can vouch their OM is a serial adulterer who preys on 30/40 something women in the way the piece of slime you describe does.

My OM is such. Such behaviour is sleazy and self serving beyond belief. If I am honest, I could understand a 20 YO falling for such a proposal but a grown woman with twenty year sof adulthood behind them ?

One of the MANY saddening things I experienced over Squids affair was just how low she droppped her standards to have her affair.

I have often thought if OM had been a handsome, well off single person who had not lied to Squid I would have been hurt and angry but at least comprehending. I would have felt 'I can't compete with that' and I would have been able to get closure. Self worth issues for sure but understanding at least.

OM is a fiftysomething ,sleazy, workshy, unemployed ugly dwarf with the last mullet in England and a grandfathers wardrobe. He a triple divorcee, serial womanazer and child support avoider who makes drink money by selling counterfeit CDs , DVDs and cable boxes on Pub car parks. He is a retired jock who can barely string thee sentences together.

When Squid said " he was my total opposite" I have never been more flattered, truly. His predatory ways are just the cream on the foul cake of his personality.

It will take me a while for my respect for Squid to return...I had no idea she could drop her standards so low particularly for the man she chose to soil our marriage with.

When I asked her " why him?" she replied " he noticed when I put a colour on my hair and you didn't".

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

So there are a lot of such predators a round, and , it seems, a large number of smart, mature, lovely wives willing to to fall for them.

Bizarre....

Suzette,

Thanks for the support...it meant a lot to me.
It was hard reading what BryanP wrote. What do you say to something like that? I have to remember that he must have had bad experiences too. At least I am assuming so. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Suzette, you're the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob, yes....it is bizarre. The thing is, I am incredulous myself at how I could have fallen for that kind of man. I am a pretty naive 40-something year old...at least, I was, until this. I had only ever been with RH and was not skilled in the ways of the world. I always gave people the benefit of the doubt and learned to always try to see the good in people. If that is a fault or a flaw, then so be it. I did not know there were men out there who did such things for "fun". I did not want to believe it, could not believe it. My downfall was being too trusting, and too selfish.
Like you, my trust in people in general has been shattered. I will now struggle with finding people guilty until proven innocent. I will now look at every man's attention toward me as suspect. The way I see it, it's a darn good thing I was not like that before RH came along, or we would not have married....I probably would NEVER have married.

As Grapegirl, I think, said, having an experience with such a man cures you for life. And that's an understatement.

NOW

NOW & Suzet

I have been helped wonderfully by the FWS on this board, and I know how hard won that F is, yet even I occasionally write stuff out of my hurt that I have to delete or dilute before posting. And sometimes, as you both know, it passes through my filter and hurts you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What is really confusing for many of us FBS is that you guys AGREE with our confusion, and many of the judgments. Most FWS have NO IDEA how they did the things they did once the spell of the affair is broken.

So we can't even have a good argument with FWS !

It truly is as if WS have to become different people during affairs and make decisions that their Fws counterpart afterwards cannot possibly comprehend.

Please forgive occasional pain-led offences from BS and FBS on here, ladies. Without you FWS this is just a BS pity party.

Thank you.

* NOW, Squid is very similar to you too. Very naif is teh ways of the world,and only me as a previous partner.

She is still unable to see the bad in OM. I can only pray that comes with time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It truly is as if WS have to become different people during affairs and make decisions that their Fws counterpart afterwards cannot possibly comprehend. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is. The bottom line is that at the time, we seriously believed we were "justified" in what we were doing....how we get to that point is somewhat complicated, but mostly a result of selfish thinking and fear. Afterwards, we learn how ridiculously unjustified we really were.
I am smart, but was completely ignorant.
Sometimes you just have to learn the hard way....and I always think of Jesus' words as he hung on the cross, unjustly crucified..."Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

That would apply to the WS/FWS.

I know, Bob, that I can never fully understand your pain. I can try, but can not understand perfectly. I am sorry for that. Sometimes I feel like what I have done to RH I have also done to every other BS on this board....that is too big a burden to carry, but every time a BS lashes out I feel that I am being asked to carry it. I know you don't expect that from me, it just feels that way.

It is hard to get to the point where you see OM for what he is....I resisted simply because I was in the same category, that being a cheater. I could not acknowledge what he was for a long time because I knew I would have to also acknowledge my own sinfulness. To see him as bad and me as not bad at the same time, can't be done.
What I mean is, as long as Squid can still see some good in OM, she can hang onto the good in herself. KWIM?

NOW