Well, I am also new here (D-Day 2/3/05...he broke down and confessed all on 2/6) and am so glad I found this website. Thank you all so much, it has literally kept me from going insane.

I have talked to MC once and am going again...WS is going Tues. he has "issues"..then we will go together hopefully. STD tests are this Wed. his are Thurs.

NOW, since there is no technical OW (ONS with prostitute out of country on business) how do people get past this? Is his decision a lack of character? If yes, why did I not see it in 21 years? If yes, how do you fix that??? I guess I need to know WHY ????????

Alcohol was a factor and I told the MC this.
He had also accessed many porn sights in secret well before this happened-not anymore-well, I certainly hope not as I feel this led to the ONS,
IMHO.
He has told his company no more travel-I basically demanded this in a fit of rage too.

He is sorry.He is remorseful.He loves me. He wants to stay married.
He said he would take it back if he could, but he can't.

I bought and am reading "surviving an affair" and gave it to him to read. I am trying to do all the things in the book but I am so tired, so bitter.

I am in tears every time I look at him. My whole world was taking care of him-honestly- and look where that has gotten me! If my #1 priority is saving this marriage then # 2 is ME is that bad? It sure feels bad and...and selfish.
I just want to apologize to HIM - isn't that sick? I want to say "Sorry if I didn't meet your EN " or " drove you away" or something - I really want to say that to him. I'm not perfect !!!

Any thoughts would be appreciated right now.
Sorry so long...

tlsmi,

Welcome to MB. I am a long time poster here. Your situation EXACTLY mirrors mine...only, I faced this situation twice. There was nothing bad enough about our marriage to justify what H did....got drunk and hired prostitutes while on business out of the country. That doesn't mean that I'm a perfect wife...but I was a good wife and we had a good marriage. However, my H's job created many external stresses and opportunities for infidelity...in fact...glorified infidelity. How do you battle that? How do you recover from that? I will try to find some links to my story for you. I didn't deserve the betrayal and I do not take responsibility for my H's weakness or lack of character....neither do I punish or demonize him for it. I am four years past D-day....and firmly in recovery with a far better marriage than I had before. Feel free to write me off board: starfish4729@gmail.com The things I learned here were instumental in saving my marriage.

Here are some questions to think about:

*If travel and alchohol are triggers....what precautions are in place to protect your marriage from future problems in regard to those issues?

*What kind of recovery plan do you have in place?

*What accountability measures do you have in place?

*One of my biggest revelations in all of this was something I said to my husband:

"If your actions don't destroy this marriage, my REACTION to them will!"

What can you do to make sure that as the BS, you don't become a bigger danger to the marriage than he is?

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Welcome!!!

Thank you for your kind words and insight
Star*fish...I thought we had a good marriage too and I'm not just saying that.

My husband is SO STRESSED OUT from his job and has been for a long time. He always said even before this that he would love to find another position and now I think he may. I must say I listened to his moaning night after night, again ,before the ONS, hours on end I am not making this up. I really tried to listen and let him vent.

*If travel and alchohol are triggers....what precautions are in place to protect your marriage from future problems in regard to those issues?

He has went to his boss and HR and said he could not travel anymore. He has guys that work for him that want to travel, so he is sending them...
is it glorified? I don't know.They all drink alot I do know that for a fact.

I am REALLY trying to control all my actions but so soon after this D Day (just over a week ago) I am struggling.

Accountability??? I don't know.
Can you help me out on this one.
Sorry, I can't think clearly.

My advice is be honest with each other and work on the issue NOW! Do not sweep any of this under the carpet. Do not accept his apologies. Good to MC together and get to the bottom of it. I think my WH probably started this way. Porn and maybe something on business trips. We had little kids and I didn't force it. I think I was an ostrich and didn't want to see what he was doing. Now, years later, it blown into a full A and separation.

Work on it! Your marriage can be stronger for it.

tlsmi,

My story....well chapter four begins on this thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003181;p=3

It goes on for many pages.....so you may or may not be able to wade through that much...but I offer it to you because it mirrors your situation so much. Don't know if it will help.

I am so glad to hear that H has decided to stop travelling for now. Has he opened his life to you? Is he accountable for his time and money?

Star*fish..."has he opened his life" ? Yes, he had
a complete breakdown on confession night. It all came out..good bad and ugly. 21 yrs together and 14 married is alot of "stuff", we have dealt with infertility, moving twice, moved out of country once...suicide of my dad, on and on. He just let it all out.

I handle all the finances, so yes, he is accountable for money and believe me, right now, his free time ( anything not a work) is mine. I am not hostile now, but at the time I literally wrote a list of demands out. Not selfish demands, demands to save our marriage. No more drinking, no more internet porn, no travel, no lies, get counseling..etc. etc.

Thanks for listening.

Star*
I read your posts...a Southern gal like me!

May I ask what is your "boundary book"?

You are an inspiration and I cut and pasted the relevant parts and am printing it out so I can refer back to it.
I am so glad I am not alone in all of this
pain.


Thank you for sharing

"Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

tlsmi,

I hear alot of things encouraging about your story, unfortunately, recovery takes time....time to heal. You have found an excellent place to do that.

((((((((((((((((tlsmi))))))))))))))))))