</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> Thank you Bob Pure and LIT for your imput-
Last night just reaffirmed that I can not continue to sit idle- I am too miserable to stay in this state. Things continue to stay on the roller coaster- only improving when it suits my H.
He came home from work (he works evenings 4-12) talking on his phone- laughing, and went on the computer- continued to watch TV- and then put on P*rn- that is where I came in- I was able to sleep through most of it. Well of course the P*rn turns H on and at 3am he decides to push the issue- I will spare the details- but sufice to say that I asked him to stop several time- when it became evidant that he would not let it go I let him so that I couldgo back to sleep. I told him with out love I was not interested- and I was Dog tired!!
I know that SF is one of H's main needs- mine as well- however mine needs to have the emotional aspect of it as well- not just the physical release.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweetie, as soon as you said "no" the first time and his actions didn't stop, you should have picked yourself up out of the bed and moved to another room. Even if it was the living room floor. Or the bathtub.
It's not as if this isn't a regular occurring problem that happens every week. So, instead of taking the easy way out of it by giving in, make a plan for an alternative action - and DO it.
There are interactions the two of you keep performing, over and over again.
You can't control his words or actions.
You can't control his responses.
You can't control the ending of this movie.
You can only control *your* words and *your* actions.
And by doing so, you can impact the current script.
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I realize that this needs to come from me- however I could use some help with writting down my needs and my boundaries. I know several of you have helped me in the past- however H and I are going out tomorrow night and I thought it might be an okay time to have a real heart to heart- I want it to be good- so any and all words of wisdom are invited- even the 2x4's (gentle ones please)
Thanks </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you really think that he doesn't have a clue about what you want or need?
The fact is - he doesn't care.
You keep thinking that if you just express your heart the right way at the right time, that he's suddenly going to "get" it.
Maybe if you get the time right. Or the tone. Or the words. Or the emotion.
But it's not going to happen.
He's not going to change because suddenly he understands what you are saying.
Please hear me.
You are not ever going to express your heart to him in a way that will actually get through and make a difference.
You need to *stop* expressing yourself from your heart.
Because *every* time you express your heart, you are just climbing back on the treadmill to nowhere.
You need to start expressing from your head.
And that takes planning.
And practice.
And massive effort.
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
However I can already tell you how this conversation will go. I will state my concerns, I will talk from my heart, and H will ask me where these thoughts came from- state that I have been talking to my family, or a co-worker from my 2nd job- or my "new boyfriend". Once I state that I have done none of the above his eyes will ice over and he will turn it all around on me, and how I never will change and that he knew it was a mistake coming back to me.... Then I will go on and explain my feelings further and he will say he has no idea what I am talking about and then will spew out all the things he hates about me, I will apoligize and our evening together will have been ruined with nothing gained.
I have tried that approch more times then I care to admit- to the same resolve. I am looking for a new approch. Granted it is my backbone that always snaps- H knows just what to do or say. I know this is my fault - I am seeking new ways. I do not want to manipulate my H- I never thought I had- however Cherished says I am...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">STOP stating your concerns.
He's heard them all before.
You are NOT going to get through to him with WORDS.
He has developed defensive strategies that keeps him justifying his actions and treatment of you.
He has developed offensive strategies that divert every attempt you make at expressing your heart and concerns "one more time."
Why would you even attempt to defend the accusation that you must have gotten these concerns from talking to other people?
That is nothing more than a bullsh!t diversionary tactic, which you keep falling for.
It is a cheeseless tunnel.
You have got to stop taking blame. Have you been imperfect in your relationship with your husband? Yes. Manipulative? Maybe so. But, it's the equivalent of stressing out over the wart on your finger while someone with an axe is whacking away at your whole torso.
He says, "how I never will change and that he knew it was a mistake coming back to me" and you fall for it.
1. It assumes that you alone were supposed to change. He had the affair.
2. He places himself in a position of power by saying "you will never change."
Next time he says "it was mistake coming back to you" - I would agree!
You're plodding along on a treadmill, then are surprised when you arrive back at the same swamp, drowning.
Let's brainstorm. The interactions you two have established are ruts that you both tumble into.
Get out of the rut.
Go through the conversations that keep deadending and change your assumptions and responses.
Here's a
link to a description of conversations from hell. It compares normal convos to the manipulative, abusive ones that can occur.
Here's a link describing the verbal abuser -
link And here's a link describing controlling behaviors -
link And here's a link about when you still love your abuser -
link A quote, "If you run your life with your head instead of your heart, you will emerge stronger, wiser, and more self-confidant."
The whole site might be of benefit to you.
Because once you can determine more accurately *what* the problem is, the better chance you have of finding some resolution.
You keep thinking that the problem is that you haven't expressed your needs clearly enough.
That ain't the problem.
Regards,
Garmus
<small>[ February 14, 2005, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Garmus ]</small>