</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I try to please him because I want him to be happy- Is that not my job as his wife?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope. That is not your job.

Your husband's happiness is HIS responsibility.

There is nothing wrong with being a good spouse.

You are not being a good spouse.

Do you know why?

Please think about it hard before you answer. No hurry.

All the best,
Gimble

Post deleted by KMEJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Always afraid of letting some one down. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are letting yourself and your children down right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> THere is no fix- none that doesnot come straight from me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ - the fix does come straight from you.

There is no "HOW" - you just do it. Period.

KMEJ,

The ONLY people you have to worry about letting down are your sons...and yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> wow- I guess I never noticed that. You actually missed one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I guess I am scared of him hateing me. Scared of being alone while he decides to move on and treat someone else BETTER then he treated me- or of him treating someone else the way he treats me. I want to be happy- inside my marriage. I do not view him as physically dangerous as he has not done anything like that in months.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ,

I do not want to hurt you when I tell you that your fears are already happening.

He is treating you like someone he does NOT love.

You are already alone...his body is just taking up residence.

Your fear of him treating someone better is moot. He is not capable of treating anyone good.

Why do you fear he will treat someone else bad?

Are you considering it your duty to stay with him, in order to protect all the others out there that might fall prey to him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He IS dangerous...physically dangerous. Just because it hasn't manifested itself in the past few months does not mean it won't happen again.

I usually don't wish ill on others, yet I do believe it would serve him right to get hooked up with someone that would clobber him on a regular basis! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

There...I said it.

I always felt that bullies need to be taken down a few notches by a bigger bully. Let them be on the receiving end of it and see how they like it.

JMHO
committed

The noun "care" has 6 senses in WordNet.

1. care, attention, aid, tending -- (the work of caring for or attending to someone or something; "no medical care was required"; "the old car needed constant attention")
2. caution, precaution, care, forethought -- (judiciousness in avoiding harm or danger; "he exercised caution in opening the door"; "he handled the vase with care")
3. concern, care, fear -- (an anxious feeling; "care had aged him"; "they hushed it up out of fear of public reaction")
4. care -- (a cause for feeling concern; "his major care was the illness of his wife")
5. care, charge, tutelage, guardianship -- (attention and management implying responsibility for safety; "he is in the care of a bodyguard")
6. care, maintenance, upkeep -- (activity involved in maintaining something in good working order; "he wrote the manual on car care")

If marriage is a relationship of mutual care, you don't have a marriage. Hard to face.

"The truth shall set you free." He doesn't care for you. It's as simple as that.

Cherished

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Hi KMEJ,

It is scary to do something completely different and take a leap into the unknown. I find that too. One way to approach might be to try to build up your self esteem and self respect. Once you respect yourself more deeply, it will be natural to you not to tolerate disrespectful behaviour from others. Here are some ideas that might help:

- buy a notebook to be your journal, and write everything down - this is about your life so its deadly serious!
- make a contract with yourself to last, say 2 weeks. That contract could be to say one assertive thing every day (not necessarily to your H) and to do one self nurturing thing every day (not self indulgent, like alcohol/food etc, just being caring of yourself)
- notice your self critical thoughts. When you are being critical, stop, try to breathe deeply, and calm yourself.
- write a list of the things that you most like about yourself, and situations in the past that you've handled well and are proud of. Then try talking about them with a friend.
- try methods for calming yourself before you have very stressful talks. One method is to visualise a beautiful, calm, deserted beach scene, and to imagine that just above the head of the person you are talkign to.
- finding a support group - I know MB is, but local people who you can really talk to woudl be even better
- know that you can take your time to respond to something. Its not necessary to respond straight away. Even if a day, a month, a year has gone by, its not too late to discuss something that needs discussion.

I think if you set yourself very high goals right now, there is a real risk that it might be too tough, then if you don't do it, its even more reason to feel bad about yourself, and to stay stuck. So maybe start small, but stick to it! and write it all down. I think the letter is a good start, but have definite consequences, and don't write anything that you are not certain you will be able stick to.

I hope thats helpful, I have been doing some of it, since I did an assertive communication course, and I do find it helpful.

KMEJ,

Don't bow out now. This is a pattern of yours. When things get too heated here with everyone encouraging you to stand up for yourself and your children, you disappear for a while.

I know it's hard to face all this. It's often hard to face yourself. Believe me - I have to face that I was a person who had an A - and I was allowing myself to be a victim of abuse. I can't take back the A - and I can't change my past victim status.

But I can change myself now and in the future.

My self esteem (although not where it should be yet) is higher, and although I mourn my M, I feel confident and better prepared for a healthy relationship. I am taking time to work on myself.

You are stuck in a cycle, and unless you change your patterns, you will remain there.

Please be bold and face yourself. Don't run away.

Post deleted by KMEJ

Now what? All I want to do is crawl under a rock- but that will not help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What did this conversation actually change?

What do you mean by now what? Now what suggests that something significant has occurred. I didn't see anything..maybe I missed it?

Noodle

I told him I was done- he wants 6 more months. That is now what.

KMEJ, you have to plan B him.

He has secured nothing but another half year of abuse of you as a willing partner.

PLEASE do not continue like this. You deserve FAR better than this and its within your gift.All a BS has left is their dignity for a while after d-day. PLEASE protect and grow the seed of dignity you have left, and let your abusive , controlling WH have the opportunity to miss you.

All blessings

I ask again,

What was significant?

He wants six more months..so what?

Yay for him..Men in jail want out.

He has had a year..a YEAR KMEJ..during which time he has accomlplished ZIP..NIL..NADA

He has been nasty..abusive..vile..untrustworthy and lazy..

Then..he has the unmittigated GALL to tell you he should have stayed with OW..

Then he asks for six more months..because..ya know..he shouldn't be expected to treat people well if he has..ya know..stress in his life..I mean..he IS the only person in the world who has a JOB..right?

So let's all sit on the edge of our seats and wait for him to FEEL like treating you with a shred of dignity.

The scariest part is..Kmej..I bet he'll get his six months. I'd put money on it. The fact that you are even considering this conversation to have revealed anything BUT the depth of his sickness is amazing.

Maybe you had to be there.

Kmej..you made a deadline..he failed.

What are you going to do? Have you made any preparations for this deadline? Did it EVER have meaning? Does it still? Was it just confortably far enough away that you could give yourself permission to go back to him?

Tell me what YOU have done to be ready..when you saw him fail at six months...seven months..eight months..nine months..ten months..now we are halfway through month eleven..and he asks for more time..while he backhands you with abusive conversation..are you going to give it to him because you sat and hoped and did nothing to be ready even though it was ever before your eyes?

Then, what pray do you think will have changed six months hence?

Kmej..you want HIM to change..but he isn't seeking change.

Change will come from YOU..amd yes that is scary..but if you wait to stop FEELING afraid before you act..you will never act..never.

I am being hard on you..asking for real answers..you gave me license and I'm taking it.

What is the significance of that conversation?


Noodle

Really sorry to hear things are continuing to spiral downhill. I wish for you that he would see what he is doing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong>
He wants me to give it six more months- until he is out of trainging and in his new posistion and home more before making a decision, he feels once he is home more things will be better.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How is being home more going to improve things if he isn't prepared to work on meeting your emotional needs?

I would suggest saying I'll give you 6 more months if you agree to go to marriage counselling for those 6 months. He needs to make some sort of commitment to your marriage, not just words.

JMHO. Take Care.

Miker

Post deleted by KMEJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> 1. That I keep a clean house- Not picked up, CLEAN
2. That I show him respect and listen to what he tells me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would that be when he was pushing you to commit adultery and have sex with your "friends"? How much respect is deserved when he's parading in your face pics of his coworkers on his cell phone?

You have got to stick to your March deadline. He has done squat toward reconciling or healing your marriage. He is outright telling you that he should have stayed with the OW.

I know that wanting to keep your child in the same school is important to you. But even that cannot trump the fact that your child's homelife consists of fixing his younger brother breakfast and "walking on eggshells" when daddy is unhappy. Again.

Please do not sign up for another 6 months of the same stuff you've had for the past 12.

Read what you have posted. Note what he has said. "It's still all your fault." You're still the one who must change. He has no intention of treating you with kindness and respect. He should have stayed with the other woman.

More of the "you've got to do everything I ask exactly as I ask exactly when I want it, and I can change those "rules" whenever I please."

I would start by seeking a shelter or refuge. I would seek out a local group for abused women. Somehow you have got to get a more accurate picture of what is actually going on in your relationship. I firmly believe that you don't realize how incredibly wrong what you are living in is - and you won't realize that until you've put some time and distance away from it. But you've got to start that distance.

If he can't currently spend time with you and his children, having even more time at his disposal means that he will spend even more time with his friends, his computer, his porn.

You left him once. You can go it again.

KMEJ,

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. He's been on notice for a year. He's still making demands and making no promises; blaming you because he made a token effort at setting things right, but the follow through he needed to do was empty. That's your fault, according to him...

Sigh. Dr. Irene would have a few choice labels for his behavior - starting with borderline personality disorder. www.drirene.com

KMEJ - I'll share with you what a friend of mine did when her husband cheated on her the EIGHTH time - this time while she was pregnant. She didn't dare make dramatic grand announcements. She did Operation Stealth.

She focused on doing one thing a day, just one, to prepare for separation. She opened a safety deposit box one day. She copied tax records for one year the next day - put the copy in the safety deposit box. the day after, another year, until she had everything for the last four years collected. Then she copied car titles, insurance policies, etc. One day she was shopping, and bought sheets for a new bed - they were on clearance sale - sheets he had never slept in. She put them in the trunk of her car - a place he never bothered to look or clean. Another day she bought a set of flatware. All were under a $10 purchase and could be considered just part of the grocery budget.

She established credit in just her name. She'd use it to pay for copies, or groceries, and pay the bill with cash that she'd normally use for groceries.

During the whole time, she focused on eating right, getting a bit of exercise, and focused on ignoring her husband's mean/selfish/foggy behavior. She worked on her resume and circulated it knowing she'd be ready to go back to work in two months - so she'd go on an interview or two a week.

Soon - 90 days, she had all the documentation she needed. She had the baby. She had her mom living with them for two months of that time, so that she had the moral support. And she had a job nailed down.

At that point, his time for remorse, clean up was up. She executed her battle plan, having fully prepared for it, knowing she had given him 16 years and eight chances to change.

I think, KMEJ, that you are just not inclined to believe that life can be better outside of prison. Or that you deserve a life of love, care, freedom, and peace.

Why is that?

KMEJ,

I'm completely with noodle on this one.

Your H is a a$$. He isn't going to change. He hasn't got a reason to. Things are just the way he likes them.

You know....I bet I know why your H is always accusing you of having an A or thinking that your #1 need is flirting from the opposite sex.

It's his way of justifying his own feelings. Reflecting it back on to the BS. It's classic. My H did the same thing. Actually.....when he was forced to either tell me or else by my sister.....that's the first thing he did. First he accused me of having an A....then he asked me if I was having an A.....then he broke the news. He was hoping that maybe I had done something similar so he wouldn't look like the bad guy...so what he did would be somehow ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I can't even imagine that you would even consider giving him 6 more months.

Six more months of what? What you've had for the last 12 months?

And one night out changes all that?

I can't believe he had the gall to say that he should have stayed with the OW. If my H would have ever said that to me....well....that would have been a deal breaker. He would have had the door hittin him in the a$$ on the way out of it with his arms full....and the next day the rest of his stuff would have been waiting for him in the yard.

What is it actually going to take for you to finally get it?

YOU can't change him. He has to want to change.

One minute he says he should have stayed with the OW....the next he's asking for 6 more months with you?

How is that rational thinking?

None of this is rational.

KMEJ,

Your H treats you like an animal. He keeps you in a cage, and whenever you look like you might escape, he turns things back around on you and scolds you. You are too insecure and 'obedient' to stand up to him.

Instead of cowering and continuing to take the abuse - hoping that maybe, just maybe this will be the time he will change, you need to be the animal that bites back at their abuser. You need to bite back and run away.

You put down a boundary, and all he did was turn everything back around to making it your fault. And you are falling for it!

Do you know why he asked for 6 months? Because he knows that if you agree, then he will get you under his thumb once again.

Set out specifics for your boundaries. Not that you need respect, but that you need MC, you will not be called names, you will not be controlled, your relationship will be equal with regards to friends, etc.

You did nothing but threaten divorce, get him to say he wants to work on it, and then fall for his manipulation. All words. No actions. By either of you.

THAT is what noodle means when she says nothing significant is happening.