Can an affair be truly "just for sex"? My wife was cheating w/her boss for nearly a year and a half. The affair only ended when they got caught. They both got fired. She says she never intended to leave me or the kids, and that he met her sexual needs only. Help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gunslng44:
<strong> Can an affair be truly "just for sex"? My wife was cheating w/her boss for nearly a year and a half. The affair only ended when they got caught. They both got fired. She says she never intended to leave me or the kids, and that he met her sexual needs only. Help! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's POSSIBLE, if that is the ONLY EN she feels you may not have been meeting enough for her. My heart tells me it's more. Have you read thru the site yet? Check out the Basics, and try to get hold of a copy of Surviving An Affair. Could help explain a lot of things.....

David

Gun-

A One night stand may just be about the sex, but an affair that goes on for that long is not!

Of course she wasn't thinking of leaving you, why would she?? She had you and her piece of action on the side.

You need to get to Marriage counsling immediately!!!!!!

Are you POSITIVE they are no longer in contact??

Read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs".....these will be helpful.

-Caren

Hello, I'm the wife that had the affair. We have began rebuilding our marriage, neither one of us wants a divorce. Our relationship started with a great foundation, love, children, the works. Overtime we lost sight of making time for each other, showing affection, etc. We had not kissed in over four years. For those that are skeptical, yes the affair was only a sexual affair. I am not upset that it has ended nor do I sit and pine for my ex-lover. One of the problems we continue to have is he wants to have daily dicussions of the affair where I am finding it emotionaly draining. I understand his need to talk about it however I would like to limit it to a few hours a week and focus the rest of my energy on moving forward with him. Any suggestions?

My first suggestion to you would be to get your own ID. It isn't customary for two people to use the same ID, it would tend to be a little confusing.

I find it VERY hard to believe that it was only sex and it went on for that damn long.

-Caren

Mr. and Mrs Gunslngr,

Welcome to MB. I wish we could have met under different circumstances but welcome just the same.

Affair just for sex...could be. I think mormally (without being sterotypical) men can compartmentalize the sex in affairs easier than women. I think that is why there is some doubt as to the it was "just sex" that was thrown out there.

Also that excuse is often one of the first things that a WS (Wayward Spouse)says.... thinking it makes the affair seem less real if it was just physical.

How long ago did the affair end?

Have you guys been in any form of counseling?

We had not kissed in over four years.

This is a problem that really needs to be addressed.

Ms. G.....the quests by your H are an attempt tp figure out why the A happened. Your affair has probably made you H second guess his manliness and dealt a huge blow to his self-esteem. So to a point this is normal.

register and get your ID

Mr. G....get the books Tan mentioned and give them a read and you;ll see what you are going through is pretty close to "normal."

Keep posting...

God Bless

Doug

Caren,

I used my husbands ID out of convience. He was standing behind me when I typed the reply. I was hoping for some guidance on how we can move foward. I am sorry you don't understand how it can be for sex only.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gunslng44:
<strong> One of the problems we continue to have is he wants to have daily dicussions of the affair where I am finding it emotionaly draining. I understand his need to talk about it however I would like to limit it to a few hours a week and focus the rest of my energy on moving forward with him. Any suggestions? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. Gunslng, he needs to set the agenda for what is needed to move forward, not you. In order for him to move forward, he has to get lots of answers. So your willingness to cooperate is absolutely critical to his recovery. You should not try and limit his recovery. This is all information that he must know in order to move forward.

The worst thing you can possibly do for your marriage right now is to withhold information or not give him what he needs to HEAL. If you attempt to withhold information from him, it will only DEEPEN the mistrust he has right now and will prevent him from EVER trusting you.


It will take a lot of hard work on your part; as it takes months or YEARS to recover from an affair. And part of that is answering fully and honestly every question he has, no matter how hard. That is the LEAST you can do if he has agreed to stay with you. You will find that the more open and honest you are, the faster he will recover, though. If you tough it out now, it will be easier for you both in the future.

Some other important things you can do to begin your steps to recovery is:

1. send a letter of no contact to the OM, telling him that your affair was a terrible mistake, that you love your H, and please never ever contact you

2. open up your life to your H, such as giving him all email passwords, voicemail passwords, cellphone records

3. make sure your H knows where you are at all times. Stay in touch with him throughout the day

4. Agree to never ever contact or see the OM again and if he contacts you, tell your H

Those are some steps you could take to begin the process of rebuilding trust. It will take months, if not years, of trustworthy behavior, but this is a good start.

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Mr Gunslng, a really good book for you would be Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can get it at the bookstore or order it fairly cheap on this website. It would give you a pretty handle on understanding how all this happened.

MelodyLane,

Thank you for your advice. After reading a self help book with my husband I understand his need to hear about the affair and that he sets the pace. I have openly and honestly answered all his questions. My problem is that we seem to be re-hashing issues like a broken record. My affair ending the first of December and I told my husband only four weeks ago. You are correct in that I need to show more patience. When is it appropriate to limit these conversations - sometimes I feel as if he is wallowing? I would like to have more conversations on rebuilding our marriage.

MelodyLane,

Thank you for your advice. After reading a self help book with my husband I understand his need to hear about the affair and that he sets the pace. I have openly and honestly answered all his questions. My problem is that we seem to be re-hashing issues like a broken record. My affair ending the first of December and I told my husband only four weeks ago. You are correct in that I need to show more patience. When is it appropriate to limit these conversations - sometimes I feel as if he is wallowing? I would like to have more conversations on rebuilding our marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gunslng44:
<strong> MelodyLane,

Thank you for your advice. After reading a self help book with my husband I understand his need to hear about the affair and that he sets the pace. I have openly and honestly answered all his questions. My problem is that we seem to be re-hashing issues like a broken record. My affair ending the first of December and I told my husband only four weeks ago. You are correct in that I need to show more patience. When is it appropriate to limit these conversations - sometimes I feel as if he is wallowing? I would like to have more conversations on rebuilding our marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, Mrs. Gunslng, he needs to do the limiting and set the pace. He is the one who is wounded here and it is OK if he "wallows;" that is part and parcel of his recovery. See, he needs to fully understand this in order to "rebuild." Ya ain't rebuilding nothing if he is somehow limited from asking questions.

It might be appropriate to limit these conversations if he keeps this up after a YEAR, but this devastating blow is brand new. Only 4 weeks old.

I know this is tough, but I cannot tell you how important it is to his recovery for you to fully cooperate with him. He cannot recover unless you do.

Mrs. Gunslng, to put this into perspective for you, an affair is about as traumatic as the death of a child. People whose children are killed do tend to wallow in it for longer than 4 weeks.

Burying your child is a different kind of pain from an affair, but very similar in intensity and grief. Maybe if you think of it like that, you can be more patient with your H, because that is pretty close to what he is experiencing. In all of my life experiences, I know of nothing other than losing a child that even came close to the grief and shock one feels from an affair.

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

MelodyLane,

Let me explain further. It has only been four weeks - a short time by anyones standards under these circumstances. I was fired from my job, I am the bread winner of this family, which includes three children. I have landed another job, one that will be less stressfull and more "family friendly" and I start work tomorrow. I have spent four weeks with my husband, twenty-four hours a day, answering all his questions. I have opened up all information, contact numbers etc. I have not written a letter to the ex-lover because he has a family of his own. I do not know if they are aware of the affair and I do not want to cause them anymore pain then they may already be experiencing. I feel that in order to meet my husbands emotional needs I need some down time. Starting a new job will allow me some space - perhaps this will help. Let me know if you feel that this is unfair to him. I do appreciate your input.

There is no reason you can't start a new job. That will still give you both time to be together and work through this all.

When was the last time you were in contact with the OM? Does he try and contact you?

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

P.S. one of the best things you can do to restore trust in your marriage is send the no contact letter to the OM. If his family doesn't know, they should. First off, they NEED to know, and secondly, it will be extra insurance against any future tempations to contact him - or vice versa.

MelodyLane,

I was last in contact with OM the first few days in January. OM has not tried to contact me and I have not tried to contact OM since then. Because there was not a clear and clean cutoff of the relationship my husband is worried that if OM does try to contact me I will not have the will power to say no. I assure him that I am not interested in resuming a relationship with OM and I understand that it will take time for me to re-earn my husbands trust. A few days ago we took a step back in our rebuilding when my husband unexpectedly drove us to a site where OM may have been present for business reasons. I got very angry and expressed that it is important that I cut off all ties - my husband expressed that he just wanted to see the jobsite. Any insight on future visits to see jobsites?

It's real important that you never ever see the OM again, so if that means avoiding job sites to achieve that, then its important to avoid job sites.

Why did he want to go to the jobsite?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because there was not a clear and clean cutoff of the relationship my husband is worried that if OM does try to contact me I will not have the will power to say no.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this is the reason for the no contact letter. Without it, the your H just suffers needless anxiety. Just sending it demonstrates your committment the marriage and goes a very long way in rebuilding trust. It tells the OM that a) you regret the affair and b) you are committed to your H. It discourages him from contacting you again, which is a great relief for the betrayed spouse.

Would you like to see a sample?

MelodyLane,

A sample would be much appreciated. I will mail out a letter tomorrow. He insists the reason for the site visit was to see the progress of construction. I wonder if it is because he has not had that closure and insurance. He has promised me that he will never do that again.