Thanks Binder! And thanks so much for considering my POV. You know your situation much better than I but I know you are a good man who will do the right thing. I hope I never conveyed the wrong impression that I think otherwise. I would just leave you with this point to consider: children "sense" right from wrong so I suspect that he already senses something is amiss.

My mother's silence shouted APPROVAL to me and the truth was that she did not approve; she only wanted to be "morally neutral." I would guess that is why, as an adult, I have grown to SO LOVE and CHERISH the truth!

My son pretty much figured out what was going on because his friends told him that "daddy probably had a girlfriend".....same thing happened to their parents. Anyway....my son asked me about it and I told him the truth....very few details.
Well, sure enough....my WH told my son about him meeting another woman so my son heard it straight from the horses mouth.
My point is.....they will eventually find out one way or another. I'm glad I talked to my son about it before his father dropped that bomb on him.

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]</small>

Very pertinent to my current situation. I have a thread about a week back which is my on-going saga with this issue...

My personal opinion is that while you cannot make the decision for your children what type of relationship they have with WS and OP they should at least go into the situation informed.

It is tough, however, to not let your personal feelings get involved and try to attempt to push your kids into your viewpoint. You also need to make sure your kids trust you and keep the lines of communications open in case they do have problems with WS and OP they feel comfortable coming to you to talk to you about it.

That's what I'm trying for but I find it hard to actually put it into practice when I'm so furious that I have to worry about it in the first place.

Cheers,

Miker

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

Hello ncwalker,

I was interested to see the answers you received to this question. I asked it myself a month ago and got different answers. Here is the link:

should I tell my son?

At the time that I typed my post though I was a mess. Our son had heard us arguing, which we never really have done much of in front of the kids. Our son told me that if I make daddy move out he'd never forgive me. (He's 10 yrs old.)

I wouldn't have told him out of spite or anything and hopefully would've allowed myself to cool down. Thank goodness I never told him and at this point I am glad I didn't. We are still together and I figure as long as we are, the kids have no need to know.

I'm not sure if OW is completely out of the picture yet or not. On that post I said I had no reason to believe they were still talking but now I know they did for a few more weeks.
I don't know what to believe anymore from him but I have decided that if we do get a divorce I am going to tell my son that it is not right for daddy to have a girlfriend when he is married.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ncwalker:
<strong>

There are only two purposes that could be served by telling the kids (assuming their lives or health are not in jeopardy).

Number 1: To make them dislike their mother.
Number 2: To make them like, or respect, their father.
NCWalker </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, IMHO I think there are far more than just these two reasons to tell the children. Primarily - you must establish a relationship of trust and openness with them so that they know they can go to you and get answers! To anything, at any time. I'm not just talking about your marriage. They already know SOMETHING is going on. If you do not create an atmosphere of complete RADICAL honesty with them (yes the same) they will not be able to come to you about the things that are going on in their lives. You will not have that open communicative relationship.

There must not be secrets in a family that affect the whole family. And that means you (being the adult) must initiate this conversation. Don't wait for them to ask. They won't. Obviously, you don't need to go into the gory details. But you need to tell them basically what's going on - be the 'go to' guy.

There is more to be attained here than making them 'chose sides.' In fact, I would hope you'd manage the conversation so they wouldn't feel like they had to choose sides. Like I said in my first post, for me truth, openness, and honesty are utmost on my list of needs. In fact, it ranks #1 on my EN list.

I have practiced this in my own family and quite honestly have had some very open and frank conversations with my children. I know that if I ask them something about where they've been or what they've been doing, I get an honest answer. But that's only because they grew up knowing they would get the truth from me if they asked about something important. And I volunteer information about things I think are important - drinking, drugs, smoking, sex, etc.

This is an important opportunity for you to create the kind of open, honest relationship you want with your children. Understand that.

Obviously, your mileage may vary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Whatever you do, however you handle this will help to establish the 'rules' for communicating in your household. Don't make one of the rules 'lies of ommission are OK.' Or lies to protect someone are OK. They are still lies.

Thanks NC for starting this thread - this is an issue that I have been thinking about quite often here lately.

My situation is a bit different in that it involves an OC. So I not only am faced with explaining to by DS-9 and DD-6 that daddy had an affair, I also have to explain to them that they have a new sister that has a different mommy.

I am so scared how this will effect them. I totally agree with being honest with them, but I really wish it is something that they just did not have to deal with at such an innocent time in their life. I don't want anything to spoil their childhood.

My WH moved out of the house a year ago. At that time, I just told the kids that dad was confused about some things and needed some time alone to think things through. I also told them that what daddy was doing - leaving the family - was not the right way to handle his problems, but as his family we needed to just continue to be patient and show daddy we love him. They seemed to accept this, but still question me alot about when daddy is coming home.

WH has been wanting to tell the kids for some time now about OC - she was born in Sept. I wanted to wait until a DNA test was done and was hoping he would be moving home before that time. I just felt the kids would handle the news better if they knew daddy was staying with them and not leaving them because of the OC.

WH has maintained that the R with OW is just about OC now. They rarely even talk other than to set up a time to visit. Over time, the OW is really showing her true colors and is making it difficult for my H to see the OC. She has threatened him that if he comes home she will keep OC from him.

Throughout this time, I have continued to plan A my H - probably for too long, but it seems to be paying off. My H is starting to see what he has given up in his family. The past few weeks he has really seemed to change and is acting more like his old self. He is now seriously talking about moving home. This has brought the issue of telling the kids to the forefront. Of course, my H wants to continue a R with the OC, which I would never ask him to stop. So, in order for this to continue, we are now faced with explaining things to our kids.

Sorry, for the long post, but just wanted to let you know my whole situation to understand. Just wondering what your advice would be in handling telling the kids about the OC. Probably not much different than explaining the affair, just some added info.

I just wish they didn't have to face this in their young lives.

I am glad that I am the one who told my kids. They were prepared for the things that their dad told them. I'm also glad that they didn't have to hear it from friends or neighbors. If you are a kid, having your delusions of the pleasant family bubble popped by a friend would be horrible.

Keeping the secret about WH from my kids was extremely stressful for me. Are you covering up? Making excuses? Is your concentration bad? Do you occasionally flare at your kids for no reason? Do they wonder why you feel the way you do?

After my kids knew, they became my biggest supporters. I'm glad I was honest with them. My kids and I really tight. We do alot of things together. We talk a lot.My DS at college calls at least twice a week and IMs a lot. When WH does something weird, they know to give me a little space. The kids have picked up the slack on many of the things that WH use to do. You know, garbage, feed the cat, etc. We have new routines. Much more healthy routines. We welcome WH into this circle. He just has to decide to come in.

NC - you sure got lots of good responses! We have many common elements - number and ages of kids, SAHM, multiple instances, the secret cell phone, trying to be the nice guy throughout, etc. Reading your 1st post was like deja vu all over again. In your 2nd post, you seem to realize that her life will get tough, and yet you can't predict or control how she's really going to react.

Well, here are my answers and other comments, FWIW:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told my kids that I could not stay with Mommy while she was seeing other guys. You must give a "good" reason for leaving, otherwise it diminishes both you and the marriage. That's the problem with a whitewash answer.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having said that, your wife will probably claim the boyfriend came after you moved out, or otherwise deny it. The kids may "know" otherwise, but still can't accept that one parent is lying. Here I just said, well, Mommy and I have different views on this, and left it at that. The pitfall would be insisting that the kids accept your version, that's what you must avoid.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Expect flack over SAHM having to work and having to worry about money. I showed my oldest my pay stub, showing the amount and percentage taken out for support, and I feel that's much better than arguing over it.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Child support is really household support; don't get into the mode of worrying about where it goes. The courts don't care.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pick some activities to support at an affordable level, if you can. More importantly, save something for their college, if you can.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You cannot earn any more brownie points, not with your wife and not with the court. Learn the rules (support, custody, and equitable distribution), and draw the boundary right there. You gain nothing by trying to be nice, believe me, and possibly harm your long-term ability to help your kids.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, I wanted to be brief. Best of luck.