OK, it has been 7 weeks since dday. the normal rollercoaster ride has not been fun.(trying AD now for depression and sf anxiety) can't get them out of my head. I am seeing IC about twice a month and we are in MC twice a month. Not real sure if she is out of fog yet, but going thru some guilt(Maybe), Has said she wants to work on marriage, but still will not talk about A at all. had a discussion/argument friday, (LB out the window on this one). Still not taking any real blame for anything regarding marriage(just A) Things are pretty normal as long as we do not discuss anything pertainging to A. I have had no answers to any questions. MC has been trying to get us to go on a date and she finally agreed to. and now talks about doing something big once a month. She talks big but her actions are different. We do have some SF,(I cannot w/o visions of them and help from AD and Viagra(sample to see if it helps, by doctor))How embarrasing is this. But I am trusting I will not be judged by people in this group.
We hug,(my innitiation), we kiss,(my initiation)Sf is by her, I don't think I can handle the rejection if I tried. But I still get no ILU from her,(should that matter at this time?) I tell her all the time now. I try to be up all the time which is reeeeaaaallllyyy hard sometimes. Triggers kill me. I had to pull over before I went home on friday and called the crisis line to help sort my head,(Suicidal thoughts)not real serious, just what if? W got upset at me for not answering the phone. upset that I might have tried something. She has started reading HNHN and picked a book up at the library on marriage help. (see, some good things happening) but the lack of talking about events of A has got me down. Any WW/FWW that can tell me how long it took them to talk to their spouse about the A and how much info did you share, BS, how much info did you want? I still cannot sleep for more than 4 hours a night and still not appetite, when I eat a regular meal, I get sick.
Sorry this turned out to be so long, but I am so lost and my spirits are really trying right now.I don't know where to turn.

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

heart, I don't really have time right now to post much but wanted to send you a cyber hug. {{heart}} Your dday was very recent. Give yourself some time and don't do anything foolish. No one, especially a WS, is worth throwing your life away. Always remember that in God's eyes you are perfect and He loves you. Keep posting.

Hurtnheart....Hang in there; sounds like you are still together and trying. Because of personal experience I will ask you this question that only you can answer...What do you want to know about the affair, and why? I understand how you feel and certain things may be needed for closure and recovery. However, in the end I believe only certain components of an affair need be divulged, others will no doubt disagree, but I believe that you should ask:

a. How long has this affair lasted; and how did my actions/behaviour contribute to it. Lurid details only inflict more pain.

b. What does this OP and affair mean to you?

The answers you get from these two simple questions can forever affect your life and marriage.

If it was a "one night stand" or came about because you were "not paying attn" or some other "just one of those things" event then you may already know the answer to the second question. If this is something that has been going on for a long time your approach, intervention, and outcomes are likely to be different.

If she tells you that she has absolutely no feelings for the OM or "hates" him consider yourself lucky. If she tells you she "cares" or "loves" him then there is a huge problem. There has to be disdain between a WS and the OP otherwise the WS spouse will always have a shelter to go to if things get tough at home. I think most people here agree that there can be no OP in the picture at all.

By all means continue the practice of seeking help when you know you are in trouble especially with suicidal ideations. It is not worth it to destroy yourself....suicide does not relieve the pain......only God and time can do that.

Hurtnheart,

I am so so sorry you are feeling so down. The situation you are in was not of your choosing and it does make it really hard to think. It sounds like you are experiencing tremendous grief. You have lost something very dear to you--the integrity of your marriage--so this is very natural.

You have come to a good place. It looks like the board is a bit quiet tonight, but I believe more members will post soon with some encouragement. I wish I could be of more comfort to you but I know what it is like to feel so down that you would rather be dead. But like Ecxpa wrote, It is not worth it to destroy yourself....suicide does not relieve the pain......only God and time can do that.

(((((((Hurtnheart))))))

Time WILL help.

Blessings,
Suzanne

HnH,

Sorry you are feeling down. Though you are right on target as far as your progress.

This is why it is critical you acquaint yourself with MB principals and put them to use.

Now what do you understand about plans A & B? R U aware you can't teach a WS anything? Also that personal recovery comes 1st and marital recovery happens only when both parties are ready to work on it together in an equitable manner?

Do you know what your and your W's ENs are?

Your health is starting to suffer. Getting 4 hours sleep is a luxury at your stage. The infidelity diet hits hard. There are things you can do to make these bad types of effects turn to your benefit.

I like to call it turning life's lemons into lemonade.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Also lots of patience.

Right now you must pull back from asking for affection from your WS. If she is a WS and not your W, then she won't be able to give it to you and if you force her you won't be happy either. So then you have 2 frustarted and unhappy people. Better to have 1 unhappy person who is working on bettering themselves (that w/b you). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let us know what you have read and put to use. Let us know your plan.

Do you have a good MC yet? Give Jennifer or Steve from MB a call. Phone counseling with them is great. Worth the call and much more convenient. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NOTE: Your anxiety attacks will lessen with time. Make a plan of action when they do hit. It c/b anytime and anywhere. Don't fight it, just have a backup plan. Notify your personal support group on how you need them to help you. Your personal support group does not need to know all but enough so that they can be there to help you. Ask that they respect your safe decisions.

You life is valuable to your family. Don't forget that.

take care,
L.

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

HnH I can absolutely identify with you. I have been there not so long ago.

Your life WILL be better in even anotehr six weeks than you can imagine right now. You are in shock. Re suicidal thoughts, well I tried it but failed...just bent my sports car <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You need to work on taking the pain out of you rlife, not taking your life away from the pain.

In case it helps I have gathered a lot of threads that helped me over the months from where YOU are today to where I am now ( recovering). Read and I hope they help you. All blessings.

**********************

i, I am Bob Pure !

My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB advice thanks to the wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.

These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.

God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage.

Firstly an introduction, who the heck am I ?

So who is Bob Pure?

My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape then , maybe just like you now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> :

How did I feel on D-day ?

I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day. My early posts show my state of mind and heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense,and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM. The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone on MB ! There are Angels here !

And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that ever reads this !

Note how generous in support are the FWS on this site. Do NOT be mean to them because infidelity hurt you. It hurt them too. You will NEED their insights. I learned from them how my Squid was feeling when she couldn't tell me herself. Their insight and support was central to our recovery.


See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !

First hopeless mess thread

I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.

New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.

WATs WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spouses

It made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.


Plan A advice from experts

Plan A is an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS too !

BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.

Experts stop my impatience with plan A

Here is a wonderful reasource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.


WATs guide to affair exposure 101

Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against teh affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband and WAT almost bullied me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.

Wierd affair dynamics with WS
You can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS and OP don't like exposure much...uot;images/icons/smile.gif" />

Fog from WS after exposure....

Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM s GF was the catalyst that sent OM into therapy and their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it feels good.

OM GF begs for proof of affair

SO...if starting plan A and exposing gets your baby back home with you (as I was blessed to find) you have work ahead of you, dear BS. You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"

Is it all worth it? temptation of BS in Plan A

Your FWS will probably suffer withdrawal fom their feelings of addiction to the affair and OP. You must support them through this, even though it hurts you so badly.


Suzet's wonderful guide to withdrawal

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=034754#000000


You think " I don;t want this betrayer back"

Don't particularly want her back


You will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice?

You may find you are tempte dto settle for teh easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in yoru arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not give in too easily through loneliness

After a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS
POJA even important stuff like contact with OMW

And you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.

You may feel that although life is imporving yoru WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS. You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.


Get inside a FWS head

as a FBS, you will find everything against your instinct that is successful. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than i could have dreamed.

Discussion on total forgiveness

And you may find yourself taking mor eblame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair

Isit all my fault ?

If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless sitiation.

Well, I am here to tell you that you CAN get your baby back and be happier than ever. My Squid loves me again and is working on our marriage in a loving and mostly fun environment.

Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.

^^^

hurtnheart,

You are not alone brother. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

BTW: I got both anti-depressants and sleeping pills from my Dr. Before I started the sleeping pills it had been about 3 months since I had any real sleep. That is also about the time my appitite realy came back.

We are at a little over 4 months since dday and I have only recently gotten more comfortable with the idea of working to keep our marriage. Before that it was a roller coaster with lots of fighting.

As I have been told before, this is not a race.
Take it slow and easy and do not expect anything from your wife.

Good luck to ya.

Well, I have had a decent couple of days. leveled out a bit. My job affords me a lot of time to think, which has it's good points and drawbacks.

First, let me thank all for responses. This is why I post. This is my only support group, as I don't have anyone I can confide in, other than W, and, well, not the best time to tell her things, major LB's.

ECXPA, I really can't put a finger on questions I have so that is why I don't ask her yet. as for the answers to any question, I can handle anything, the worst of the hurt has happened. nothing she can tell me can hurt me anymore, nothing!! And, Divorce is not an option to me, So that leaves just dealing with it.
WW had a 2 mos EA, although she denies anything but work related, which lead to a one nighter on 12/20. I called her on it that wednesday. It was someone she workes with.(not daily anymore)she has been taken off the project he was on. His wife knows,(by me) and they are working on their M. She has seen him twice in passing. AT first she said she cared, but has since said that what she misses most is the working relationship she had. (they have not had any personal contact since.)I do believe this.I have been doing my best to supply nothing but a loveing home since, minus a couple discussions. We are getting away next weekend for a night to just be together. she is really gung ho about this, as am I.

SUSU,Orchid, Thanks for the {{{{}}}}. I am no longer really looking for her affection, but I am giving her all of mine, If she responds, BONUS!!

The plan a and b haven't really applied because it ended immediatly and she wants to stay together so we build on this. I just have to find a way to keep up. and deal with the visions and questions that I don't know how to ask yet. I am working on our EN'S. Her fog is starting to clear a bit so we will see, day to day.
My sleep hasn't posed a problem yet, I have not been tired or has not affected me in anyway. so that is good. and the infidelity diet, well, at least I am not hungry. I take supplements that help alot.

BP Thanks, I have been following you and also Squid and deeplysorry for a few weeks and find you guys so inspiring. I will talk to you on another post as my questions for you are more related to me. I don't think I will try suicide, but just the fact that it was in my thoughts,just made me nervous. Again, I will address you later.

Greergan, Sorry you have to go through so much meds. I am only on AD just for a month or so, just to level out and the whole SF thing. just a temp fix. I do not think I need sleeping pills yet. If the lack of sleep starts affecting me I will try some over counter stuff..
I new I wanted my marriage to work as soon as my head cleared after DDay. so I guess I am lucky there,


I am just mostly curious how forthcoming the WW have been about things, and how much BS's wanted to know. maybe, based on the question's I can narrow mine down. Iwill follow closely Thanks to all.

^^^

^^^^^

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>