Greetings I'm a new user. Here's how it went down.
Saturday I attended a memorial service in my hometown for one of my relatives that had recently passed. As I was saying goodbye I noticed an exceedingly attractive woman who I went to high school with whom I had not seen in six years. We had been good friends and never had a romantic relationship. I asked her if she wanted to have a beer and she obliged. The conversation was pleasant and safe. We talkled about old times and I proceeded to drive her back to her car. After we exchanged email addresses the most terrible thing happened, she leaned over and kissed me. Not a long kiss but a very passionate, sweet kiss. Then, I kissed back. I had told her I was married and very happy and was planning to have a baby with my wife. The scary thing was; I liked it. I felt like a million bucks. It's like the 18yo part of me was "paid in full" The joyous feelings are gone and all that remains is consuming guilt. I'm not telling my wife. That would hurt her in unimaginable ways. Just how do i deal with the guilt?

Domovoi-

Okay, you have to tell your wife, that's why you feel guilty.....and SHE has a right to know. There is obviously something going on. A) Does your wife know you went out and had a beer with her? Does your wife know you exchanged e-mail addresses? THROW AWAY HER E-MAIL ADDRESS, AND BLOCK HER E-MAIL ADDRESS FROM YOUR E-MAIL!!!!! There's a reason you want to hide this from her, and it's not because it'll "Hurt" her too much......You're in dangerous territory my friend. Your wife would rather hear it from you, then from someone else, correct?

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Tell your wife, if you're sorry, apologize and stay the heck away from that woman FOREVER! Those warm fuzzies you feel are going to get you into a full blown affair, and then you're really going to be in trouble.

-Caren

***Side note: Anything that you wouldn't do with your wife standing right there with you IS WRONG...you know it is, now you just gotta face up to it.

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Buy the His Needs Her Needs book and figure out why you are not satisfied in your marriage and thus drawn to be with another woman. (Even briefly)

My guess is that what happened yesterday is the symptom of something that has been building for awhile.

This is going to be hard to accept, but you HAVE TO to have the courage to tell your wife. There is NO OTHER WAY, honesty is the ONLY way to a healthy marriage. Take it from someone who has lied to protect spouse's feelings....and may have destroyed everything as a result. It is not the actions that hurt the most, but the deceit. If you love her, you must respect her enough to tell her the truth.

Also, if you don't tell her, you will be tempted to see that woman again...especially if it felt so good. BELIEVE ME on that one.

You are doing the right thing coming here to this website....and can save yourself and your family a lot of pain.

Stop this cycle before it goes any further. This is an opportunity....take the narrow path--have courage--the TRUTH is the ONLY WAY out!!

Hey Dom,

Do not fool yourself by saying you are protecting your FW (faithful wife) from the truth. She is a big girl. Besides that, she deserves to know.

You are really protecting yourself from your actions. If your FW had something like this happen would you want her to keep it a secret? To have her giggle about it to her girlfriends? Or would you more appreciate her sharing it honestly with you?

Of those two actions which one do you think demonstrates a true commitment to the relationship?

And by honestly sharing what happened, it also means saying how you honestly felt, ie school boyish. Do not play it off like it meant nothing to you.

I think everyone is flattered to feel wanted. I suspect that is all you really felt. But kissing is way over that line, maybe even hugging. Next time some woman wants to give you a kiss - stop her, you owe it to your Wife. And I do meant OWE.

You seem to have made the choice that your FW is your priority. But if you maintain contact to feed your ego, that may change.

You have to tell your FW so that the tempatation will be removed. I am sure she will help you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm not sure telling the missus is a good plan.
I feel this was an isolated incident. I don't think the moment of weakness shall bear any wicked fruit. My wife and I have a strong marriage. Sometimes we go awhile without really talking to one another because of our respective employment, but we more than make up for it on our days off together. The incident happened on Saturday. I felt really bad after it happened and I still do. It seems as the hours tick away the guilt gets to be less. I would like for my marriage of 3 years to remain exactly how it was before that hot, little tart exploited the bad Catholic in me. Also please take into consideration that God has forgiven me and my sins are between me and the Almighty. With his help I can overcome this. Plus I figured maybe you guys could help too.

I was Med to my H, a good Catholic boy, for 18 yrs. when he began his EA, which turned into a PA. Don't kid yourself. Both you and your W need to understand how to affair-proof your M. In our case his office manager aggressively went after him and he didn't have a clue until after it was over and he had to face both his and my pain.

This woman knew exactly what she was doing. And you, for whatever reason, asked her to go out for a beer, accepted both her kiss and her e-mail address. Educate yourself about meeting each others' needs by reading from this site, be radically honest with your W and tell her it's because you love her so much, and then do whatever you need to do to have a great M. Yes, God has forgiven you, now give your W the opportunity to also.

One more thing! Once you start keeping secrets you deny you and your W true intimacy. There was a point for my H that he decided to keep the 1st secret from me. We had never had secrets before. Slowly the secrets turned into lies. I know you aren't even close to that point, but you know what you did was wrong. Now fess up to it. Keep posting here. I wish I would have known about all of this info when I was only 3 yrs. into our M. It could have saved us a lot of grief over the years. This might be one of the biggest blessings for you and your W. Take advantage of it. Good Luck! CV

Fog.

Doesn't appear you'll get any advice or help here that you will take.

If you are looking for validation here to hide, decieve, and lie through ommission. I do not think you will find it here.

Oh, and you were exploited?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would like for my marriage of 3 years to remain exactly how it was before that hot, little tart exploited the bad Catholic in me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Drop the bad catholic line too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You are a man. Own your actions, your not a school boy anymore.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel this was an isolated incident. I don't think the moment of weakness shall bear any wicked fruit. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Going to have to drop off your thread Dom. Every BS on here has heard those lines.

The truth as I see it, is that you want to do, what you want to do. Period. You aren't interested in what is right, or what is best. Your just intereseted in what is convenient and satifying to Domo.

Going to get some Pepto now.


CV55,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you said:
There was a point for my H that he decided to keep the 1st secret from me. We had never had secrets before. Slowly the secrets turned into lies. I know you aren't even close to that point, but you know what you did was wrong. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think Domo is much closer to that point than you think.

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Does God forgive you with a lie on your lips? More lying is not the answer to infidelity. By not telling your W the truth in her marriage, you are lying to her. Your marriage is in trouble and lying is not the solution. I suspect the problem will get worse since you are hiding it.

It's wonderful that you've repented to God, that's as it should be, but alas, you aren't married to God, you're married to your wife, and keeping secrets is BAD NEWS.

I know God has forgiven you....and God has forgiven me my many transgressions, but that doesn't change the fact that your wife deserves to know, is she going to divorce you over a kiss? Probably not. Should she know about it? Hell yes she should, and it's going to hurt her, and to a degree you're trying to protect her.....but you're trying to protect yourself more. You're protecting yourself from the unpleasantry that is going to come after you tell her.

Step up to the plate......and do the right thing.

-Caren

You've been given good advice Dom.

My first thought on reading your post was that you need to tell your wife what happened and how you honestly felt while it was happening and how you felt about it after and how you feel about it now.

Even though it may be initially painful for her it isn't insurmountable and your honesty will contribute to your present and future intimacy within your marriage. You can both achieve more positive results from radically honesty than from withholding your truth and lying to your wife.

Let you wife know how you feel and how important it is for you both to understand and implement necessary bounderies for your marriage's sake. LEt her know that you understand that you made a huge mistake and will not allow yourself to repeat it. That you will flee from temptation in the future.

Welcome Domovoi:

Not sure how long you've lurked on here - if at all. I have to tell you that your post does come across as quite selfish and disrespectful to your wife and to marriage in general. You can expect some to admonish you as your story is common with WS's. My suggestion would be to re-write it in a manner that is less about "me" (you) and more about asking for input on what your actions actually reveal.

One more word of advice: Consider carefully when posting about how God views your actions. There are "theologians" aboard here that will blow your biblical references out of the water!

Please read Matthew 5:27-29, Leviticus 20:10 and Galatians 5:19-21

Good Luck.

FR

Hi, Domovoi.

Your wife kissed her high school sweetheart a couple of months ago. Since then, she has had repeated fantasies of being somewhere naked with him.

She feels terrible about it, she has repented but she just can't get the images out of her mind. She can't understand why the kiss felt so good to her. She wants to talk to you about it, but she is frightened of both her desires and of your response to her.

What would you tell her?

Gimble

hey dom....
take it from one who didnt get as far as a kiss...i was blown out of the water and the marriage terminated...but you still have to tell her....i am a lost soul as a result of my actions but at least she knows the truth and i know that i finally did the right thing...i hope that your M is on stronger ground than mine was but it sounds like thee are issues otherwise you would not have been tempted...think about how you would feel if she was kissing an old chum from school...your heart just jumped thru your throat didnt it...would you rather hear the truth from her or some rumor from a friend where you could stew and imagine all kinds of scenerios of her seperated from her panties...

its on you

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by knowalibis:
<strong> hey dom....
take it from one who didnt get as far as a kiss...i was blown out of the water and the marriage terminated...but you still have to tell her....i am a lost soul as a result of my actions but at least she knows the truth and i know that i finally did the right thing...i hope that your M is on stronger ground than mine was but it sounds like thee are issues otherwise you would not have been tempted...think about how you would feel if she was kissing an old chum from school...your heart just jumped thru your throat didnt it...

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Know - just to let you know - still working on that legal ??? you asked. Found nothing so far, a nd have only conversed with WW, not W, so still working on it....k?

David

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

hi david ...
thanks for your efforts...they are appreciated...good luck on your end

"I'm not telling my wife."

This secret keeping is in itself ANOTHER betrayal which will cause you even more guilt.

"That would hurt her in unimaginable ways."

Yes, it will hurt her to learn of your betrayal of her trust. BUT it will hurt her, you, and your marriage a whole lot more in the long run if you CONTINUE this betrayal with dishonest secrecy.

"Just how do i deal with the guilt?"

Honestly and with integrity.
Tell your wife the truth ASAP - ALL of it.
And then do WHATEVER it takes for as long as it takes to help your wife and marriage heal.

Minus that honesty there really isn't much of a marriage left anyway. You have chosen to share something intimate with an OW. And you think you can lesson the damage by keeping this a secret shared between you and the OW, shoving your trusting wife to the side yet again? From my perspective (BW) I doubt seriously that your wife would appreciate your continued secrecy as somehow protecting her from being hurt. You need to regain your wife's trust. And NO just keeping it secret so she doesn't even know she has a reason to mistrust you is not going to cut it. Confess and then get busy rebuilding the trust and repairing the damage.

IMO even going out for a beer with that woman was wrong, wrong, wrong. People don't really find themselves in these situations where one thing supposedly leads to another... They put themselves there. And as long as you keep this something just between you and the OW, something just the two of you know about and the wife doesn't know all about, you are still there. Now there's this day, things that were said, things that happened, that belongs to you and the OW, wife excluded. If you don't tell your wife what happened you will be preserving the inappropriate intimacy between you and the OW.