Ok, so I'm needing some help.

Almost two years ago, my wife had an affair. It was physical for a month or two before she came clean. We didn't talk much about what happened before that, but I figure the buildup to the physical part lasted at least a year or two. Anyway, it was another 6 months before contact was completely broken and the whole time I tried desperately to follow the advice of this website and the million books that I read. She refused to read any of the books or this website.

Then a year passed as things quickly returned to normal and I was close to filing for divorce. But instead, I took the cowards way out and had an affair of my own. I confessed to my therapist, who insisted I tell my wife everything. And I did. My wife "saw the light" and decided to change her ways, but I didn't believe it so I didn't end the affair.

Now, my affair is over, died of natural causes. Mostly because of the guilt I feel I think. Anyway, I see all of these positive changes in my wife, and she is trying really hard to listen and she seems to have "fixed" the issues.

The problem is that I don't know anymore if I really care. Every day I wake up and think there has to be something else better out there for me. I look into my wife's eyes, hoping to see a spark of desire, but its not there. Or if it is, I simply can't see it. Where is it? I need to find it. If I step outside of my shell and look hard at my life, I know with all my heart that this is where I'm supposed to be. But those moments of clarity are getting harder to find each day.

I went out and got my wife some great "loving husband" type stuff for Valentine's Day. But when I gave them to her, I felt no love. I felt the love when I was shopping and buying those things. Where did it go? Why are my feeling flip-flopping all over the place? Somebody pull me off of this ride, PLEASE!

HI, welcome to MB. In order to get your thread back up to the top, i thought i would post. I'm not having the greatest day today so i feel less able to give good advice. i am sure others will reply soon too.

from what you write, i certainly believe there is hope. but you have to remember it is going to take time. it is wonderful that you felt love as you bought the gifts.

how long has it been since your A has been over?

FinallyLearning, my A has been over for about 2 weeks. I would figure I was just in withdrawl, but I don't really want the OW anymore so I don't think thats it. Mostly I just want to be happy and content with my life.

Beyond, are you and your W in MC? I see you are in IC. It is great that you confessed to your W. Have you read through the site's basic concepts? Have you and your W read His Needs Her Needs? Surviving An Affair or any of the other recommended books?

As for the love feelings returning, you really have to just continue acting loving and eventually the emotions should equal your actions. I would recommend you and your W fill out the emotional needs questionaire and begin filling each others top EN. Keep posting and asking questions.

faithful follower, my IC is also our MC. And yes, I have gone through this entire site and I have read the books. My wife hasn't, and won't. Last night I was feeling the love and I was a bit "in the mood" but then we had another talk and I felt like leaving again. I guess the one positive is that I didn't leave.

Beyond, I know when things get hard especially when you are the one that is the focus of discussion it is tempting to flee. Don't run, face your fears. Your W is willing to work this through with you and that should give you the courage to stay. Hang in there it is a rocky road but you CAN do it.

hi beyond, it is a very long road. even though you are not wanting the OW anymore, that does not mean you are not in a sort of withdrawal anyway.

be patient with yourself and your wife. try to remember the good times. how many years have you been married? do you have any children?

FinallyLearning, we've been married almost 10 years and have 2 young children. Picturing their faces as I leave is sometimes the only reason I don't.

So if its not about the OW, what am I in withdrawl from?

Beyond, to answer your question YES you are in withdrawal. Perhaps not from OW per se, but certainly from the high of that lifestyle. Now it's back to reality. Two weeks is certainly not near enough time for you to decide the fate of your 2 children. Step back and consider how much is at stake and put the effort into rebuilding your marriage that it deserves. Please give this some more time.

I also agree that you should continue to treat your W lovingly and be the best H you can be. After you have tried your best you will either see the results that make you want to stay, or you will be able to walk away with your head up knowing that you did your very best to save your family. Two weeks in nothing. Get back on your horse.