I am about 45 days from 1 year anniversary of D-day. We have been through a lot, but I feel us drifting apart, felt closer 3 months ago than I do now. W has done a pretty good job with trying to help me rebuild my trust for her, but I have been very overbearing on her, asking for an EXACT accounting of her every minute. While I know I have the right to ask, and she has been open about where she has been and with whom, I have made it almost like an inquisition. She still feels I don't trust her, and will never trust her again. I have told her unconditional trust is gone.

Says that I don't respect her, and says can't live with me if I don't respect her. Yeah, I have lost some respect for her, but on other levels it has stayed the same, she is a great mother, and now is working, and pretty much running this household.

I have not always been someone that she would want to stay married to. I have said some things in rages that would push anyone away. Not only did I say them, but it was MONTHS after d-day, when she would have expected them. I called her selfish, a whore, a slut, would fall on her back for any greasy italian that said "ciao bella", said she only stayed with me for my paycheck and pension, immoral, adulteress, etc. I mean, I was just ugly to her. I can't unsay those things, and since I did it in NOV, things have changed b/t us.

I feel rudderless. We need a plan. W does not think anything will help. Cannot say ILY. We still have SF, but it is pretty passionless. I dunno, doesn't feel like we are moving forward.

Bet,

You are gonna have to remember you need the whole picture to match or else it isn't a good fit.

Your W m/b a good mother but if you don't trust her, then she isn't a good W and will not be a good mother. Trust spills over to each of our relationships, so motherhood w/b an issue eventually.

When she says you don't trust her, let her know that right now you don't. It is up to her on how well she is able to regain your trust.

Better to do nice things for each other to work on rebuilding the trust factor. Right now that is more important than ILY's.

Of course most of that work is in her court. So make sure she knows it. If she balks and says it is too much or too hard for her, then you may need to consider plan B. Why? Because she is the one holding herself back from being a W. She wants to stay as an Xws or even WS.

JMHO,
L.

Hey Betrayed Man - Sadly, I have said many of the exact same things that you've mentioned. I'm not proud of it... but I did it.

Are you guys in MC?

RIF,

MC is not an option here. Being such a small community, gossip runs rampant, we want MC, but with some anonymity.

The reason I ask, is that it sounds like you guys have come to a point where a MC would really help you keep some forward progress in your rebuilding process...

There really isn't any 'magic' time frame that says you should automatically start trusting your W... and there isn't any set date where all of the affair 'stuff' goes away.

You and your W must work through each issue that got you to where you are today... Once you both work through these issues you can then start learning to trust her again...

MC won't make rebuilding any 'easier' or any less painfull... but it will keep you both on track as you work on the issues together.

Have you considered phone counseling with the Harleys?

Semper Fi,
RIF

BetrayedMan,

I was reading your post and I can hear your regret for the things you have said and done since D-day. Your reactions have been normal and understandable, but I also hear from you that you don't like feeling and acting that way. I have seen a lot of the BS here struggling with the resentment, even though they are determined to work on the marriage. Please don't underestimate what that unresolved resentment can do to hinder your progress. What happens is, every time the resentment rears its head, the FWS goes on the defensive. Yes, we know that we probably deserve it, there is some truth to the things you say, and that you have every right not to trust us. But when we sense that resentment, we also realize there is not much we can do beyond what we already are doing and then it looks like there is no hope. You said your wife has been doing a pretty good job checking in with you and keeping you informed of her whereabouts and such...yet you have been having trouble trusting her anyway. We went throught the same thing, and I thought "What more can I do?" And if RH wasn't going to trust me even after all I AM doing, then what's the point?

Taking care of any resentment you may still be feeling is important for YOU. It will definitely benefit your wife and your marriage, but it is most definitely to your own benefit first.

Take care,

NOW

I'm sorry, I haven't read your previous posts and I don't know your exact situation.

But generally speaking, what's the point of even attempting to reconcile a marriage after a case of infidelity, it there can NEVER be any trust or respect? Why would a WS want to live a life-time sentence in the "doghouse"? Why would a BS want to live a double life as a parole officer? It seems to me that it would just become exhausting for BOTH partners after awhile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm no expert, but wouldn't it be best if the person who did the Love-Busting, took responsibility for it....apologised and atoned, case by case? Is it ever right NOT to take responsibility when you LB?

I don't think it follows that a WW cannot be a good mother, a good employee on her job, or even a good wife...once the fog is lifted.

BM,
Oh, so you've LB'd before. Who here hasn't. You were brutally honest, sharing exactly how you felt. Were the feelings accurate? (they were certainly warranted) Have those feelings changed? I've felt that way myself. My STBX earned those feelings. What I've learned is that there are better ways to share our feelings than to be "brutally honest". We can be "radically honest" without the LB's of name calling.

All you can do is change for the present. Demonstrate to her you changed from "brutal honesty" to "radical honesty". She has to do the same. There is not timeline on gaining trust. You will feel it whenever you feel it, not when she wants you too.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NOW said:
What happens is, every time the resentment rears its head, the FWS goes on the defensive. Yes, we know that we probably deserve it, there is some truth to the things you say, and that you have every right not to trust us. But when we sense that resentment, we also realize there is not much we can do beyond what we already are doing and then it looks like there is no hope. You said your wife has been doing a pretty good job checking in with you and keeping you informed of her whereabouts and such...yet you have been having trouble trusting her anyway. We went throught the same thing, and I thought "What more can I do?" And if RH wasn't going to trust me even after all I AM doing, then what's the point?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NOW, how long did it take for you to feel this way. My STBX said those things one week into the phantom recovery attempt. She tried to make me feel guilty for not trusting her, tried to threaten me to trust her or else. Well, I choose and accept the "or else".

Of course she lied to me during that time and broke her comittments too ... so she wasn't really demonstrating being trustworthy.
.

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 09:45 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Tom...you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NOW, how long did it take for you to feel this way. My STBX said those things one week into the phantom recovery attempt. She tried to make me feel guilty for not trusting her, tried to threaten me to trust her or else. Well, I choose and accept the "or else".

Of course she lied to me during that time and broke her comittments too ... so she wasn't really demonstrating being trustworthy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tom, it took quite a while, and actually my feeling that way came and went, off and on. I knew that I could not expect RH to trust me for quite some time. AND I was doing everything I thought I could, and when I got the feeling he wasn't trusting me, I got a little flustered...nothing major. I mean, I did have a really big sense of 'fairness" about all of it. I just didn't "like" it!
Now if I wasn't doing ENOUGH to help him gain his trust back, then it was up to him to let me know, and then we would talk about what exactly it is he wanted. Most of the time, though, since trust is such an elusive thing, the rest was up to him. I understand what you're saying....she MOST DEFINITELY ABSOLUTELY MUST do her part FIRST!!!! And she will have to expect to do her part for a VERY LONG TIME....and not do any further damage by lying in the meantime or I'd say it starts back to square one.
I'm not saying you guys aren't "justified" for not trusting....it's just that name-calling and yelling won't get you anywhere but backward, even if she is doing all she can. Of course, only YOU know when that's the case. And I know that BM and yourself realize this. You shouldn't beat yourself up for the mistakes and LB-ing....just move on and try NOT to...that's all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


NOW

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have seen a lot of the BS here struggling with the resentment, even though they are determined to work on the marriage. Please don't underestimate what that unresolved resentment can do to hinder your progress. What happens is, every time the resentment rears its head, the FWS goes on the defensive. Yes, we know that we probably deserve it, there is some truth to the things you say, and that you have every right not to trust us. But when we sense that resentment, we also realize there is not much we can do beyond what we already are doing and then it looks like there is no hope</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a living testamonial to that! After my A, and my return, my W never stopped resenting what I had done. I had no way to break thru - it finally drove me to MB and I realized I could only work on myself - improve what I could be. And still the resentment never ended - I just had to accept that it may be a long time - perhaps permanent with her (I pray not). And that anger toward me gave her the impetus to have her own affair, to move out, to break up our home and family. Things aren't working as well as she'd like, but so be it - maybe this is what she needed to get over the resentment.

All I'm trying to say is that resentment is a blockade to your recovery - it must go. Trust may build a little over time, but as Dr. Harley writes in his books - you should never trust your spouse - hence the policy of radical honesty.

Just my 2 cents worth,

David