Hello,

I’m a lurker of this site mostly. The situation I’m going to describe involves several aspects that are familiar to some of you. This is the situation of a dear friend and I don’t know how to help him.

In his present emotional state he has not been able to reach for help, that is why I’m writing for him. I’m planning to tell him to read here and post if he feels he can talk about his situation in “public”. (Excuse my poor English)

He has been divorced for many years, no children, and has had some long term relationships. Three years ago, while he was not dating anyone, a woman contacted him on an online dating site. They live in differents cities and corresponded for a while before meeting in person. She said she was separated and close to divorce.

They met like two and a half years ago and a relationship started to evolve. At the beginning my friend was not sure he could have a long lasting relationship with her because she had some problems and three young children.

Apparently the husband has been living in another country all those three years and only visits on some vacations. The husband pays all the bills as the woman doesn’t work. She separated from the husband after a very serious case of bing drinking that involved streapers and a night at the police station. After that, three years ago, they have not lived together. But, when the husband comes on holidays he stays with the children and the woman goes to her mom’s.

Back to my friend: Until a year ago she was mainly pursuing him until he fall in love and tried to explore a long lasting relationship with her. Last summer he took her and her children to a trip for different countries. During this trip he had to go to another city and leave her for a day or two in another city where her husband has some relatives. When my friend came back he discovered, through her daughter of ten years, that they had gone to another city to meet a friend of her mother. I don’t know all the details but what happened is that the woman met in this city with a man she had met in internet. My friend talked to her and she dismissed it as something without importance. My friend talked to this man and it seems there was nothing going on.

When my friend, the woman and her children came back from this trip overseas, my friend went back to his city. They kept in touch but she could not compromise with him entirely. My friend would came to visit her and she would have sudden changes of mood, blamed him for everything and always remained him of every little fault real or not. Last November my friend started to read about the kind of behavior she was having and thought she might be bipolar, in one of her calm moments she agreed to meet with a doctor. At this moment, my friend changed all his inside attitude towards her: He was ready to quite but the fact that she was ill gave him a new understanding and tolerance.

Before they could contact the doctor, she made a very suspicious trip to my friend’s city. She said she was going to be with certain people but my friend found out that she had stayed in a hotel with another man she had meet on internet. My friend says that they stayed in different rooms. By this time my friend is very forgiving and all he wanted is to get her some professional help. The doctor, a psiquiatre (sp) diagnosed her like bipolar, gave her two kinds of medicines and sent her to a female therapist.

One week or two laters, Christmas holidays, my friend went abroad, she was going to meet him with the children. While he is there the husband appeared here and she said to my friend that she coudn't travel. My friend was very confused because it was a holiday they had planed together. During those days the little stability she had won with the meds is lost.

(For some unexplained reason, every time her meds are over she doesn’t plan ahead to have them refilled. So she has had like two weeks on meds, one without it and like that.)

Since January my friend has stayed in this city to help her to get the medical attention she needs, but it has been very hard for him because although she gets better with the meds, without them she goes back to the mood swings and to blame him for everything.

The last strain was last week. He had to go abroad for some days, she said she was going to go with him, and then asked him to change the date. Finally she went, but as soon as they came back, even with the medicines, she started to behave in an unfair way. Las Sunday she treat him very poorly and yesterday my friend prefered to be alone than to accept her behavior.

This is more less the situation.
I understand the approach of Marriage Builders and I understand that you may say she has to deal with her marriage first. I thought so but I keep thinking that my friend is the one who really is helping her to get a grip on her situation. Although the husband supports his family, she doesn’t work; the children are 4, 7 and 9. He lives abroad and has not helped her to solve her personal problems or illness.

She has asked for a divorce but is afraid that he might stop paying the bills.

She’s 43 or 44 and my friend is 51. He doesn’t have children and is very willing to take care of her and her children.

My biggest question to you is: If her character flaws are because of the bipolar disorder?
When is enough, enough. What should my friend accept and what not? Is this relationship a failed war? Help him please. I don’t know how to help him and I’m very worried for him because they are planning to move to live abroad. This will require for him to do major financial changes. Coincidentally, it seems the husband now is planning to go to live to this same country.

As soon as I post this, I’ll send my friend the link to this post and hopefully he will be able to talk with you.

Thanks very much to all of you.

*******
I told my friend about this post and he agreed with it. Please if you have a bipolar wife, husband or relative, share your thoughts about this situation. My friend is ready to go back to his city if things don't change.

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: larousse ]</small>