Right now, it feels like I need to press on with my life while being respectful and friendly to my WH when I see him - nothing more, nothing less. No wheels turning in the back of my mind that I need to save this marriage, smile at him just right when I see him, etc. Is this still Plan A? If Plan A worked for you or your spouse without going to Plan B, can you give me some "day in the life" examples? I truly don't like the idea of enforced separation when two people have not yet filed for D and when the WH is still supportive but not interested in giving affection, etc. I am getting weary of Plan A as I now perceive it but am not ready for Plan B - and may never be. I'd rather file for D and completely let go of my marriage rather than subject myself and my kids to the harsh environment of enforced separation. Should there be a Plan in-between Plan A and Plan B or does Plan A have more facets than I realize? (Guess I've thrown enough questions out there for one post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

I think that in every situation there has to be some reality to the fact that the marriage may not be able to survive.

I think that denying that fact is completely unhealthy to either marital or personal recovery.

There is still recovery of oneself even if the marriage ends in divorce.

Plan A is more about working on YOU than working on the WW/WH. It's about realizing what changes YOU want to make within or to YOURSELF. Not for the WW/WH.....but for YOU. It's about realizing what part you played in the destruction of your marriage and making the changes within you to make sure that those destructive patterns don't arrise again, either in your recovered marriage, future relationships or on your own.

Plan A is NOT about putting on a happy face to please the WW/WH.

It's more about preparing you to be....well....YOU....but just a little better.

That way you are well on your way....with...or without your WW/WH.

JMHO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 08:46 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

VSN,
Just wanted to respond. I know the more educated and wise MBer's will be there to help in awhile.

I believe Plan A is about recognizing and changing the things you did to adversely affect the state of your marriage Pre-Affair. Make the changes, practice the change, demonstrate the change. You are working on yourself. Showing your WS the kind of wife you want to be and can be. (whether for him or someone else)

Reconciliation may come about as a result of Plan A. But if you start Plan A with the sole purpose of getting WS to re-commit or reconconcile, then you may not maintain the gains you made for yourself under Plan A, after you acchieve a reconciliation, (or divorce.)

Plan B ... Plan B is for you too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You said:
I'd rather file for D and completely let go of my marriage rather than subject myself and my kids to the harsh environment of enforced separation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What? Letting go of your marriage, or pursuing divorce is not a harsh enviroment? Is it not enforced separation? Is it your perception that a divorce is somehow less harsh on the kids, or you?

Plan A for you, Plan B for you. You can't wake your WS up, you can't make him do anything. But you can change you for the better. You can protect your emotional state by Plan B'ing.

Also separation is not that bad if you are in a painful situation at home. I miss my kids, but I don't miss the abuse.

TJ

Miss Priss and TJ,
Thanks! I have received some great advice from veteran MB's - and I have been applying it bit by bit. I see my stumbling block now. Although I was letting go of my WH on the surface, not pursuing him, etc., I was still clinging to him emotionally inside. Huge obstacle in my PLan A path! My D-Day was 12-18-04 - not that long ago - but long enough for me to get Plan A right!

VSN,
You are early from DDay. Remember to set a time-limit for Plan A. Six months is a common time frame for that. A shorter time frame is reasonable if you are facing emotional abuse at home. Plan A is a hard enough goal when things are good, combine the fact you are trying to improve yourself while at the same time have a WS is very emotionally exhausting.

Set a time frame. Get a plan. There are excellent people on here to help you do that. Ask for a plan and some of these veteran MBers will come running to help.

I don't envy you. I've been there. Stayed too long ... almost killed me when I think back on it. I dreaded leaving ... but separation isn't as bad as I thought. Except for the kids <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

TJ,
My h already has his own apartment nearby - he moved into it 2 weeks after D-Day and comes over to the house frequently to spend time with boys and help out around house. Emotional abuse is not an issue - we've always respected one another (except his A) and still respect one another when he is here. He says he wants me to stand on my own but he also says he's not ready to file D so this makes me wonder if he might approach reconciliation at some point down the road. My guess is that if he does - it won't be for at least 3 months because he wants to see me strong and pursuing what is important to me. I think he also wants to be sure he still wants our marriage and not OW. We were married when I was 19 and I'm 39 now. I've never been on my own for a single day of my adult life and I've never dated anyone but him if you don't count my prom date that I dated for about 2 weeks in high school. I think the OW is still in picture on some level - don't know how much. I don't want to go to Plan B - NO CONTACT - because the contact we are having now is good except when I try to push him to SF through hints and direct comments. That was an area that contributed significantly to his A and our separation. I have a pretty good interest in that area but he did not give me the affection I needed to ignite it. Now, I realize he wanted to show affection through SF. We were just on different pages - just like it says in His Needs/Her Needs! Anyhow, I've only pushed him in the SF since D-Day because I want him to know I can be all he needs in that area now... but this approach has backfired on me one time too many so I don't think I'll try that tact again unless he reaches out to me first. The pain of rejection is just too intense and it completely fogs my judgment! Just in the last few days, I've realized/accepted that we should not try to repair that area of our marriage if his heart is not in it. Maybe down the road it will be but in the meantime, I will become a better me! Wow - I did not mean to write a novel! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Plan A in concept is ALL about faciliating what you the BS can faciliate in ending an affair.

period.

In theory plan A is about when in contact with the WS choosing paths that encourage communication and keep those lines open

In theory plan A is like water dripping on a stone....

in theory plan A is how Pep often refers to it...
planting seeds

Plan A is a guideline that when faced with huge emotional conflict that human nature calls for the BS to react emotionally....be it dispair...anger....physical acting out....it hopefully anchors the BS to not react that way...

WS expend a lot of energy villianizing the spouse....
this feeds their justification of why they are having an affair....

plan A decomposes these villifications by not reacting to the WS the way they expect and in anyway that feeds in to their villification....

plan A is about addressing the 'reasons' the WS uses to have an affair....
(though nothing a BS does or doesn't do justifies an affair...)

You always have the right to decide you don't want to be married
no matter how pro-marriage BUILDING/REBUILDING this site is....that always is a choice/option...

Plan A is MOST effective when there is also a goal of Plan B...

hence the term...

good plan A
great plan A
followed by good plan B

ARK